


Heero Yuy, L6, and the Second Suit Wars

by ellewrites



Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: Angst, Language, M/M, Sci-Fi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-03
Updated: 2013-10-03
Packaged: 2017-12-28 07:38:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 39
Words: 105,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/989455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellewrites/pseuds/ellewrites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack Kaufmann has no recollection of the braided man who claims they were once more than friends, but his quest to recover his memories leads him to discover a plot much larger than himself that is a threat to the peace he'd once fought to protect... 1x2x1, post EW, warnings at top.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1.1 The Meeting

**Author's Note:**

> Pairings/Warnings: 1x2x1 plus others TBD, occurs post-EW, language, angst, sex, hopefully acceptable OOC, 1st person POV (*shudder* sorry, no way around it!), plus a ton of minor and a few major OCs (since it's 1st person, you get to avoid dealing with them too much.)
> 
> Author's Notes: This fic starts off a little slow, in my typical psychological style, but will pick up into an action fic by the end so stick with it, please! =) The lovely Miss-Murdered beta'd this for me and frankly this story wouldn't exist without her encouragement. =) Definitely check out her work, if you haven't already for whatever ridiculous reason!
> 
> Oh and some of the topics I'm discussing here are waaaay out of my league so go easy on me, okay? My husband is a computer programmer and I've taken a few classes but my knowledge ends there. I hopefully know enough that I didn't make any glaring errors but no promises.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own the characters from Gundam Wing (unfortunately) and they were used without permission, but all the words are my own.

I stared at the mass of disorganized people swarming the mad digital explosion of lights and robotics geared to get their attention. I couldn't imagine a place I wanted to be less than where I was, disgusted by the display of swarming ant-like people vying to have the newest and best inanimate thing possible for the sake of their ego and vanity.

Yet here I was, to give a lecture to this horde, on 'Theoretical Compatible AI Implementation for Human Interconnectivity in Mobile Suit Construction.' Theoretical because mobile suit construction was outlawed, but also because god only knew if any one of these pathetic creatures would understand even a tenth of what I was going to say. Inevitably, I'd be fielded a bunch of questions that missed the point entirely and maybe that was a good thing. I didn't really understand why I was invited here to give this lecture, or why my boss was so insistent I come, despite the fact that mobile suit construction was a dangerous topic and if someone did understand what I was prepared to say... Well, they probably didn't need my lecture, I suppose.

But the fact of the matter is that I'm no show pony and this was far out of my league and I don't know what I was thinking when I felt compelled to 'volunteer.' Maybe it was too many years without a vacation. Maybe it was the hopeful look in Kerry's eyes when he suggested it to me. Maybe it was the chance to talk to a few of my industry peers in person. It didn't matter – either way I was here now and I'd make the best of it.

"Sir?" a quiet woman in an ill-fitted suit appeared behind me, the perfect picture of patience. She seemed a little intimidated by me as our eyes met. "We need you to come back now. It's almost time for your lecture."

I sighed heavily. It wasn't really that I minded giving speeches or being the center of attention, I didn't. It was just like any other task. If you were well prepared, there was nothing to worry about. It's just that I preferred to be alone.

I followed her back and into a large hallway that connected several lecture rooms. She was briefing me on the various technology available in the room, assuring me that they had my presentation pre-loaded on their computer, and she fitted me with a lapel microphone. Beautiful. I simply loved hearing my intentionally monotonous voice booming across a speaker system.

Did I mention how ill suited I was for this kind of thing?

"You know, I really admire your work," she said after a moment of quiet, almost blushing.

It occurred to me then that I could easily pick her up – slip her my hotel room number and spend a couple hours with her. I almost grimaced at the thought – a particularly rude gesture as she gushed her accolades upon me for my most recently published white paper. I wasn't sure she really understood the implications of that document, but I listened politely to her, nodding my head at key junctures, until I was allowed to escape into the lecture hall.

It wasn't a particularly large room, but then my lecture was going to be highly technical and I was sure I'd loose the hundred and fifty people in the seats anyway. I approached the podium and ruffled through my notes there, making sure everything was in order, and pulled up the introductory slide. I looked up and tested the microphone and noticed a man slip in. Normally I wouldn't note any individual person – they didn't particularly interest me in any way – but he stood out. Initially because of his ridiculous hair, braided straight down his back. And because he was young, about my age, which was surprising because I stood out dramatically in the field, having no formal education other than an honorary doctorate from MIT in Artificial Intelligence Engineering two years ago for my thesis work interfacing the neocortex with super computers to spawn a primitive secondary intelligence. Suffice to say I normally interacted with men and women at least fifteen years my senior and it was that crowd I was looking at now.

But then he became memorable because once his eyes fell on me, the blood drained from his face and he looked like he was going to faint. I didn't usually produce that kind of reaction in people – frankly, I maintain a rather blasé appearance – but he didn't make any move towards me, he just stood there, his mouth agape, leaning heavily against the wall.

It was easy for me to ignore him, however, and I performed my sound check then introduced myself.

"Welcome to this lecture on Theoretical Compatible AI Implementation for Human Interconnectivity in Mobile Suit Construction. As you can note in your schedule, I'm Jack Kaufmann, and I represent the Nexxus International Group. I will give my contact information at the end of the lecture if you would like any further clarification on the concepts that will be discussed over the next hour."

I paused for a moment and got a feel for the vaguely interested crowd. The young man managed to find a seat in the back, but his face still betrayed his shock and disbelief.

The lecture was an extreme jaunt through the underlying concepts and difficulties regarding human-machine interfaces and was filled with enough technical jargon that most of the faces glazed over after awhile. I left a minimal amount of time at the end for questions and noted that the braided man had furiously scribbled down my contact information while politely waiting for a few confused and rambling questions about basic database structure and interface mechanisms. I answered as concisely as possible, noting the young man practically jumping out of the seat, but not expecting a man with his pretty-boy exterior to have anything of much value to say.

"So if I understand correctly, you are postulating that a pilot could interface completely with a machine via a neural network such that their thoughts would dictate its actions, working in tandem with the reprehensible assumption of compliant AI, despite the limitations of the human brain. How can you assume synapses would increase at that exponential rate to keep up with the computing power of petabytes worth of RAM without destroying the subject?" he asked seriously, almost angrily. I didn't understand his depth of emotion on a theoretical subject but he continued, adding darkly, "Your personal experience should dictate otherwise."

I was surprised how shaken I was by his antagonism. "First of all, sir, I think you are taking this a bit too seriously as this is purely theoretical and I have no personal experience piloting or designing mobile suits. Second, while it is impossible to prove beyond a reasonable doubt whether the subject would be destroyed or not, Nexxus International Group has done extensive research on synapse development in the human brain. This theory hinges on the assumption that children would be recruited as their synapse expansion peaks so that their development could be artificially maintained and grown beyond that of a normal adult. But this is acceptable only given the completely theoretical nature of this discussion as such experimentation on children would never be allowed to come to fruition."

I noted he was physically shaking at this point, his hands balled into fists and his teeth gritted such that the muscles of his jaw were bulging, tight with strain.

He didn't sit down but he didn't ask anything else so I swept the room, looking for any other questions before realizing I was finally free from this lecture. I thanked the audience and exited the stage gratefully. I nodded my head at my peer who was waiting in the hallway to take the stage. He smiled back at me, but Milton had always been excessively friendly for someone in this field.

I thought about that braided man as the microphone was removed from me and I was thanked profusely for my involvement in the lecture series. The more I thought about it, the more I felt like he was baiting me, deliberately asking that question to see how I would respond. What could he possibly be referring to? My  _personal_  experience? With what? Sure, I wrote some high-level simulation scripts and developed some rather advanced AI but I wouldn't exactly consider that 'personal experience' with the subject of mobile suit interfaces.

He weighed on my mind as I wandered back down the hall alone – was the suggestion that an AI might be compliant really  _reprehensible_? – when suddenly he bolted out from a doorway and came at me with the fury of a hurricane. I glanced around but noticed no one was there, all my peers and the convention aides were in lecture rooms on the opposite end of the hallway around some bend or another. For a brief moment I thought he was going to punch me and I braced myself as best I could for the hit, but he stopped just short and he wrapped me in an inescapable hug.

I froze, unsure of how to respond to such an unexpected greeting. No one ever touched me. People rarely offered to shake my hand. His warmth overwhelmed me for a moment and the earthy smell of him was strangely comforting. I didn't hug him back, but I was almost disappointed when he pulled away from me and punched me hard in the shoulder.

"I don't know what the  _fuck_  you're playing at in there, Yuy, but goddamn I'm glad to see ya." He was so enthusiastic, his eyes shining, his hand gripping my upper arm like he was scared that if he stopped touching me I would disappear before his eyes. "Why you gotta say shit like that to piss me off? We haven't seen each other in over three years and you hafta do that to me? Jeez. You haven't changed a bit."

Finally I snapped out of my shock as he rambled and said bluntly, "I think you have the wrong person."

He laughed, a wonderfully loud, boisterous sound that resounded in the hallway. "Oh come on, I've finally caught you, Heero. There's no one here, you can admit it."

"I have no idea what you are talking about or who you are," I stated honestly. I think I would remember a man with a three and a half foot braid. Or at least that my name wasn't Jack.

"You don't remember me? At all? Duo Maxwell? God of Death? None of that ringing a bell to you?" He sobered up dramatically then, the light fading from his eyes and his shoulders slumping dejectedly.

"No." I felt a bit guilty striking the last nail in his coffin. His mouth dropped to a sad frown and he took a step back, crossing his arms over his chest to inspect me.

"Well, that fucking sucks," he stated plainly. "What happened to you, Heero...?"

"Jack," I said. "Jack Kaufmann." That just seemed to dig salt in the wounds of his internal suffering.

" _Goddamnit_ , Heero," he ground out and for a moment I genuinely worried he was going to cry. "You told me I'd see you again, but you didn't say it'd be like this!"

I really didn't know what to say to him. People didn't get this distraught around me. I didn't really know how to deal with this kind of emotional overflow. I think others sensed it and therefore avoided spectacles of this nature in my presence. I couldn't even apologize because what would I be apologizing for? I can't help not being who he wanted me to be.

So I stood there stupidly as he pulled himself together and dug into his jacket pocket. The way he stretched left his too-thin white shirt exposed, the top three buttons undone casually, and I could easily see how well muscled he was. I wish I wasn't looking, I never capitulated to this kind of base behavior, but his smell still intoxicated me and I blamed his stupid touch for my wandering eyes.

"Look, I don't care if you believe me or not, but I'm your friend and I've missed you, buddy. So here's my card." He flipped out the little white piece of paper and handed it to me. "We really should get lunch some time to talk about things. I mean... as long as you're on Earth."

I glanced at the card. Freelance consultant? What the hell did that mean?

"Nexxus' HQ is in Geneva," I stated absently, tucking the card safely into my pocket as his eyes shifted dramatically.

"For fucks sake we've been hours apart this whole time and I didn't even know it?" he asked himself aloud, appearing even more rattled by that realization than I'd thought possible. "I've been in Sanc since I always thought if you showed up anywhere it would be for –" Abruptly he dropped what he was going to say, clearly thinking better of it. "Well, what the fuck." It was a statement, not a question, and his eyes seemed the most vivid shade of blue I'd ever seen just then. I don't know why I noticed something so impractical but I felt this inexplicable draw to the other man, like he slipped perfectly into a missing piece of my soul. What kind of ridiculous sappy nonsense was that? I didn't think this way – this wasn't me. I banished the thoughts and gave him a cool glare.

"Is that all?" I asked impatiently, looking down my nose at him a bit through he was slightly taller. He seemed incredibly hurt by this but sucked it up well and gave me a big goofy grin.

"Just don't go redesigning the ZERO system or anything, buddy," he suggested enigmatically, tapping my forehead with one finger. "And call me sometime," he added with a wink, sauntering off.

My eyes lingered on his ass a bit longer than I felt comfortable admitting but I waited until he turned a corner and was out of sight before I slipped through the nearest doorway into a dark banquet hall, closing the door behind me and breathing deep, calming breaths.

Who  _was_  that? And why did he make me  _feel_  like that? Terrified, anxious, angry, and licentious – all at the same time? No one had ever produced such a visceral reaction in me. Frankly, I didn't want to call him. I didn't want to ever see him again. I just wanted to leave this conference, go home, and pretend we'd never met.

If only I had known how impossible that would prove to be.


	2. 1.2 The Email

I never thought the inside of my office would look so appealing.

Okay, that's a lie. I often thought the inside of my office looked like a practical paradise when compared with the mad social enigma that was the land of cubicles and break rooms. The few times I ventured away from my office and the labs into that maze of human melodrama I found myself bending over backwards to escape back to the closed-door safety of my personal space. Luckily many people didn't know me, at least in the divisions such as marketing or sales. Unluckily, many of those people were outgoing, friendly types who wanted to get to know 'the new guy' – never mind my extension has been on the phone list for three years now.

But that wasn't why I was enjoying my office at this moment. No, it was a reminder that my stint in New York was over. I was home. No more lectures. No more questions. No more strange men.

I pulled the card from my pocket. I retained it under the pretense that I saved all business cards acquired at any event and cataloged them in case I ever needed specific specialties Nexxus couldn't acquire for me. I don't know what I would need with a Freelance Consultant that appeared to have no specialty, but I had less useful cards saved so I could hardly make an exception based on my likelihood of using said contact.

I studied it for a moment as it sat on my desk while I logged into my PC. Realizing it was going to be too distracting, I opened a drawer and set it there. But even while I pulled up my email, the feel of it still burned my fingers and I remembered that hug, so tight and honest and... Whoever he thought I was, he must've cared for them greatly.

A sigh escaped my lips as I looked at the excessive number of emails I'd procured over the past few days. Quickly I began scrolling through them, marking them on a 1 to 3 scale on level of importance and deleting anything that wasn't applicable to me. And then I reached it. The email that would change my life in ways I couldn't even begin to fathom.

The email from myself.

When I first saw the sender I assumed it was just Yun down the hall playing a trick on me. He was a fabulous hacker, world class, and a bit of a prankster, much to my frequent irritation. We were the two youngest guys in the R&D Tech department so I guess we were supposed to be friends. And I guess I was his friend, in that I was friendlier with him than most of people in the company, but then I was friendlier with anyone in my department of 150 than I was with any of the other 250,000 or so people employed by Nexxus International Group.

But the subject nagged at me and, I'll be honest, scared me a little. So much so that I hesitated to open it.

**So you met him.**

The statement was bold and presumptuous and could only be referencing one person. How could Yun or anyone else in my department have known about this man? None of them were at this conference. Even then, no one at the conference saw our meeting. It had to be someone else, someone who could hack into Nexxus' very well secured servers and email system and fake an email from myself. I worked on that encryption myself and I was on the team that updated it every other week. While any security is flawed, I had previously thought it was unhackable, even by internal means as no one had access to the full code. Quickly I scanned through the email header for any clues but for all intents and purposes I sent this email to myself last night.

Except I didn't.

I pulled open my desk drawer and snatched up the card. Did  _he_  do this? Was he capable of this kind of thing?

"...don't go redesigning the ZERO system..."

The words floated through my mind and I considered them. What was the ZERO system? Did he design it? Was he some kind of specialized hacker? Is that why his card was so vague? This was leaving me with more questions than I could possibly answer so I took a breath and let my eyes fall down to the body of the message.

**What did you think?**

The first line immediately made my blood boil. Who did this jackass think he was? What kind of vanity did someone have to possess to send this kind of email to someone of my caliber after a single meeting?

**I've spent a lot of time wondering what you'd think. It's the only thing that kept me going. Although I doubt your first meeting involved the same amount of fanfare, I hope you still find him as intoxicating as I did, even from the first moment I saw him.**

Well, that strange paragraph either absolved Duo of his guilt or placed him firmly in the category of psychopath.

**You have to call him. He can help you. He can help you find something about yourself you're missing. I can try to help you find it, but without him, it will mean nothing. And he won't reject you, he never could. So don't worry about it. Put up with his eccentricities for a while. Talk to him. Learn about him. But call him. He has something he needs to give you.**

The email wasn't signed and it ended there. I slumped back in my seat, feeling confused and upset. And scared. I didn't  _want_  to call Duo but I don't see what choice I had. If he had any information about this I had to know. And god forbid if he  _did_  this I would –

What?

I was just a research tech, I wasn't exactly equipped to make threats. But this anger inside me sat like a brick in my stomach and I felt like I had to do...  _something_.

Quickly I pulled up my phone app, checking that my office door was shut so I wouldn't be disturbed, and dialed the number on the card impatiently. I didn't know exactly what I was going to say to him, but he was the one who knew me, I reasoned as the phone rang, so maybe he would do most of the talking.

Suddenly his cheerful face appeared on the screen from his cell phone – I could tell by the quality – but even over the pixilated distance his bright eyes made my heart beat faster.

"Heero!" he greeted me enthusiastically, his smile genuine. "You called!"

I found the statement obvious and tried to retain my grip on my anger and not be derailed by his obvious handsomeness.

"Jack," I corrected and he shrugged, closing his eyes for a moment, just looking so pleased that I'd called.

It was weird for me. No one had ever looked at me like that before. It gave me a peculiar feeling in my chest and I rubbed the space between my pectorals for a moment self-consciously, bidding it to go away so I could focus.

"What's up buddy? Can't get me out of your head, huh?" he sighed with dreamy smile and half-lidded eyes and finally I was shocked out of my stupidity. Who was he to talk to me in a ridiculous,  _romantic_  way like that?

"Hardly," I bit back and he chuckled. My eyes narrowed at him. "Did you hack into my email last night?"

He laughed. "Oh, come on. I'm good, but I'm not  _that_  good. I couldn't hack anything of yours."

I couldn't help feeling a little self-satisfied by that statement. Even if he wasn't really referring to me, I guess.

"Look, I have something for you, I just didn't bring it to the conference because I didn't think I'd run into you there," he explained, seeming embarrassed as he rubbed at the back of his neck. "Didn't think I'd run into you anywhere, to be honest."

"What is it?" I asked, suppressing my surprise at the way he mimicked the email, immediately doubting his innocence once more.

"Look, man,  _you're_  the one that gave it to me, so either you can come get it, or not, no skin off my back."

He seemed angry then. I wasn't sure what to say. But I didn't exactly see what choice I had – if I was going to figure out anything about this situation then I was going to have to play along. I spent most of my day alone. If someone wanted to kidnap me for some nefarious purpose they could do it at any moment in my secluded life. Traveling to Sanc to see this man wouldn't be any more dangerous than going home tonight, I told myself.

"Okay," I agreed reluctantly. "I'll come."

His face twisted with several emotions unreadable to me and he finally settled on a smile. "Great!" But his enthusiasm seemed forced now. "Saturday? We'll do lunch?"

I hesitated again. Saturday I usually spent holed up in the lab, blissfully alone and embroiled in my work, and the idea of being in a busy restaurant with a man I didn't know who seemed to know plenty about me made me feel a bit squeamish. But once again, what choice did I have?

"Okay. I can take the early train into Sanc and be there around 11," I suggested.

"Perfect. I'll meet ya at the train station. And I'm picking the place – hope Jack has a more varied palate than Heero did," he teased and I wasn't sure whether I did or not so I didn't say anything. He sighed, not amused by my silence. "Don't worry, I won't go for anything too exotic. Or Italian. Dontcha still hate Italian?"

How could he possibly know something like that about me if he didn't actually know me?

"You can change your name, 'Ro, but you can't change who you are," he said darkly, his eyes shining with something that made a shiver run down my spine. And then he was all smiles again. "Can't wait ta see ya, buddy." He winked and the call disconnected.

I sat there fore a while, staring at the black screen. I still felt uncomfortable with this whole situation, but I didn't know what else to do.

Then I pulled up a search engine and typed in his name. I didn't really understand why he thought I was named Heero Yuy. Who would name their child after a dead politician? I couldn't really search that name because all that would come up would be information related to him. So this was second best.

I was floored when images of Duo with Quatre Raberba Winner came up, one arm slung casually over his shoulder, Mister Winner's arm wrapped around his waist, both of them with huge smiles. It appeared as though some magazine ran an article a while back on Mister Winner trying to make him appear more relatable and they did interviews with some of his friends. Apparently Duo was close enough to be considered for and featured in a published article as his friend.

After that surprising revelation, I dug into some documents about him. He was featured in a ridiculously wide variety of documents and organizations. I found him on a Preventer's consultant list and then a government list of known Sweeper affiliates. He donated quite a bit of money to different charitable organizations on L2 and actively volunteered at an orphanage in Sanc. There were pictures of him with other notables such as Relena Darlian Peacecraft as well as her brother and sister-in-law and various politicians at different political parties and functions. Despite his apparent connections, he lived in a relatively bad area of Sanc in a low-priced apartment and the only vehicles registered to his name were two old motorcycles. And he had a lot of guns registered in his name, too. And not collectables.

Unfortunately, this just added a layer of complication to this entire situation. How did he know me? Where would we have ever met? He didn't appear to be active in any way with the scientific community at large and I didn't know anyone in what appeared to be his inner circle.

I realized I was developing a headache and I closed my browser, leaning back in my seat and staring out the window, across the parking lot, at the towering skyline beyond the office building. Puzzling this out in my head was becoming difficult. There were too many questions and not enough answers. There were very few problems I was incapable of solving, but right there, at that moment, I was stumped.

I just had to wait until Saturday to get some answers.

I never was very good at waiting.


	3. 1.3 The Accusation

The train ride to Sanc was relatively uneventful. I spent a lot of time wishing I were in my nice, sterile lab and not a train infested with cranky children and obnoxious young couples with their irritating public displays of affection. I failed to bury myself in a text I'd picked up at the conference and while I'd like to have blamed it on the external distractions I was honestly more internally absorbed and flat out anxious about my upcoming meeting with Duo.

The train arrived on time and I stepped out onto the landing platform and glanced around. I noticed him standing off to the side, about a hundred yards away, casually leaning against a column but staring straight at me. I swallowed hard and bid my heart to slow down. I wish I understood what it was about those eyes...

Since he knew I knew he was watching, he stayed where he was and I approached him. Maybe it was his way of letting me escape if I really wanted, I don't know. But as I got closer I realized he wasn't quite as enthusiastic as the last time we saw each other and there was certainly not going to be any hugging or paling around today.

"Hey," he greeted with a nod and I nodded back.

We sized each other up for a moment in that way men always do when they feel threatened but he backed off first and pushed himself off the column.

"Sorry if I made you nervous about lunch," he said with a subdued smile. "You'll like the place I picked. The waitresses aren't chatty."

Once again he knew something about me that I couldn't figure out. I didn't really know what to say, so I just followed him onto a bus. The silence between us was a bit uncomfortable, but not more so than the silence that preceded me as I walked into a boardroom, so I didn't mind.

We were let off in a distinctly East-Asian district of Sanc with signs advertising all different types of wares in various languages. I noted Chinese, Japanese, Korean, and Vietnamese. I vaguely hoped Duo knew sushi was my favorite because the smell and atmosphere we were in left me craving it.

It appeared I was in luck as he led me into a small, traditional establishment I would've never discovered on my own as it was nearly unmarked and down the side of a dingy alley. But inside was warm and cozy, the comforting smell of bamboo, short grain rice, and fresh fish immediately hitting me. I hadn't been to a place like this in a long time and I could tell by the self-satisfied grin on Duo's face as he studied me that he knew he had made a good choice.

He chose a secluded table in the back of the relatively empty restaurant and Duo ordered quickly for us the chef's choice. His ability to predict my actions was uncanny. Once the waitress brought and poured our water and tea he pulled a small envelope from his pocket.

"Here." He handed it over to me with a reluctance I didn't understand at first. "That's it. You can see I never opened it. I guess that releases me of all responsibility to you, now."

Ah, that was it. It was a phrase most people would've cheered at but in this case it meant that he had nothing of me left and no reason to see me ever again. I stared at the envelope, feeling the rough paper in my hands before cracking the seal on it and dumping the contents on the table. It was a key. A plain, small key with the number 012 stamped into it. I held it up as two sets of curious eyes looked it over.

"Aw man," Duo sighed, "that's so like you. I've stared at that damned envelope for three and a half years and that's it?"

"You don't know what this is to?" I asked skeptically.

Duo shook his head. I searched the envelope for any clue but there was none.

"Maybe a safe deposit box?" Duo suggested then, scratching his head. "You were pretty guarded the last few months before you disappeared... You never told me about it."

"Disappeared?" I inquired, tucking the key into my wallet carefully.

He seemed irritated. "You know, when you left me – really, us – without a trace? Oh, unless you call that vague 'promise' of our reunion a..." He trailed off but his glare deepened. "We all looked for you. Even Relena. She went off the deep end. You were supposed to walk her down the aisle at her wedding, you know? We all kinda hoped you'd show anyway but no, I had to do it, and God knows I told you enough times I'm never walking down a fucking aisle..." he muttered the last bit but I was still in shock.  _I_  knew Relena too? Well enough to walk her down the aisle? Is she how I knew Duo?

"I've never met her," I struggled out, feeling lost.

I just couldn't believe he would make all this up. For what reason? He was clearly going through some unpleasant emotions at my sudden reappearance in his life that I couldn't imagine he was faking it but that meant there was something seriously inconsistent with regards to my own life history.

Duo was shaking his head in disbelief. "At least we're both equally forgettable to you. The way we chased you around the world you'd think you'd remember one of us. Guess I'd be a little bitter if you remembered her and not me..."

Thankfully the waitress returned with a wide variety of sushi, more food than I thought we could probably ever finish. But we both eagerly dug in to avoid the conversation we weren't having.

"I read a lot of your work this week," he finally broke the silence after a good ten minutes. "Pretty fascinating stuff. I can see why MIT gave you a doctorate."

I nodded, studying his serious eyes. I felt almost threatened by them, like he was about to pin me into a corner. But surely he couldn't possibly have understood my work well enough to contradict me. Then again...

"The implications for memory reconstruction are vast," he said quietly, his eyes pinned to the plate as he planned what piece of sushi he was going to select next.

I snorted. "What do you mean?"

He'd selected squid. "You spawned a sentient AI. Clearly altering consciousness shouldn't be difficult from there." He looked at me as he popped it in his mouth, challenging me to rope him into an argument.

"I suppose. But altering an already formatted mind is far different than creating a basic sentient life-form."

"I would think the opposite. You don't have to develop a perfect environment to house the life-form – it's already been created for you."

"But we don't understand the inner workings of the brain to the same degree we do a computer. If you make one mistake, you could fundamentally destroy the subject," I explained, although I had a feeling he already knew the implications based on his accusations at the conference.

"You're a smart boy," Duo quipped in irritation. "I'm sure you could figure it out."

We lapsed back into silence. The sushi, while high quality, had lost its taste to me. For some reason his unhappiness affected me greatly and I felt strangely guilty. I wished I could give him something, I wished I could remember him, but I couldn't. I wasn't his Heero Yuy. I was Jack Kaufmann, precocious kid from L1 who dropped out of school at age 12 to do independent research on AI development.

As the food disappeared – I was shocked at how much he could consume – I think we both realized there was little else to say. No matter how much he wanted it to be otherwise, the fact of the matter was, we didn't know each other at all.

"I haven't told the others about you yet," he assured me, though I didn't know exactly who he meant. Maybe Relena? "I don't plan on it. You know, so if you don't want to have any more contact with me, you don't have to. We can go our separate ways and no one will bug ya."

"Is that what you want?" I asked after a moment, unsure of his reason for telling me this. He must know I didn't know who he was talking about. Unless he thought I was still faking it...

Duo shrugged, suddenly studying the tablecloth intently. "I dunno," he admitted, taking a deep breath then blowing it out so it ruffled his bangs. "Part of me wants you to stay but when I see you it hurts too bad. You're him, but you're not." He looked at me and the pain was evident in his eyes. "I guess it's selfish of me to want Heero when you're Jack now."

I didn't know what to say to him. I didn't think it was selfish, really, part of me wanted to be his Heero. Whatever had occurred between us was obviously very powerful. But that's what convinced me that I couldn't be him. I never felt something that powerful for anyone. I'm not even sure if I could.

"I'm sorry," I finally said, although I surprised even myself by saying it.

I didn't make a habit of apologizing for things that weren't my fault. Obviously he knew that about me because he blinked a few times in surprise.

"Huh?" he asked. "What for?"

"That I am a disappointment to you. That I went to that conference and you saw me."

I hated what I was saying. I never talked like this, rambling without reason. But it made Duo chuckle.

"Well, in that way maybe Jack is better than Heero," he said, leaning his chin on his hand. "Heero would've never said that."

I decided not to tell him I didn't want to say it either.

Despite his arguments, I paid for the meal to thank him for his time and he led me on a quiet journey back to the train station.

Duo got off the bus outside the terminal and walked me to the paneled glass entrance-way but he stopped about ten feet from the door. He tapped two fingers to his forehead and drew them away in a goodbye wave.

"I'd say I hope to see ya around, but I'm not sure that's true," he admitted with chagrin before turning on his heels and walking back into the street before I could conjure up a reply.

I stood there for a moment, until that braided head disappeared from sight, before signing in and boarding my train.

It wasn't until thirty minutes into the ride as I dissected our limited conversation that I realized, with sweaty palms, the logical conclusion of his allegations on my research.

"The implications for memory reconstruction are vast," he had said.

I remembered that look in his eyes, that coiled anger. I didn't understand, I thought it was my research – why didn't I see it for what it was...?

"You're a smart boy," he had said, "I'm sure you could figure it out."

_Duo thought I did this to myself._


	4. 1.4 The Revelation

It took me a few days to track down the safe deposit box the key belonged too. Half the issue being that I started my search using the name Heero Yuy but he apparently knew my name and registered it under Jack Kaufmann. Or I knew what I was going to be named. Or... I don't really know at this point. I just hoped whatever was in that box provided some answers.

It turned out to be a bank about an hour from my apartment. Too far to run on a lunch break, so I waited until Saturday to drive out there.

The bank wasn't anything special, but then maybe he – or I? – was trying to be inconspicuous. I'd never had an account there that I'd known of but when I asked the woman behind the counter if I could have my balance, she printed me out a ticket that claimed I had over fifty thousand credits in a savings account there. For the umpteenth time in the past two weeks I was completely beside myself. I hoped that whatever was in the safe deposit box had some explanation of what I was storing that money away for.

I was lead into the secured room and once the box was open I was left alone to inspect its contents.

Inside was a large manila envelope that felt like it had documents inside. I opened it carefully and a few photographs slipped out. Immediately I felt my hands shaking as I stared at the one on top. It was a picture of Duo, Mister Winner, two other men, Relena Peacecraft, and I at some kind of party. I could hardly believe it. Duo had his arm thrown over my shoulder casually and Relena stood on the opposite side of me, her arms wrapped around one of mine. They were both smiling wide. I was giving as much of a smile as ever I managed but I did seem to be genuinely happy. We were friends. We were all friends. Closer friends than I'd ever had in my life.

I flipped the picture over and it was dated in a scrawling, scratchy script that I imagined must've been Duo's, "Christmas AC 197 – The Gang at Relena's."

Of course then the next picture caught my eye. It was only a 5x7 but it shocked me more than the initial one. It was a picture of Duo and I in flight suits. I was holding the helmet under my elbow against my hip and Duo was just taking his off, his eyes closed in satisfaction, sweat on his face, his hair mused terribly. The way I looked at him made my stomach twist. It was clear to me – it was lust. I couldn't fathom who would take this picture and the back gave no indication of where or when this was. I don't even know how to pilot anything. At least, I didn't previously  _think_  I did.

I slipped it to the back of the stack and despite how shocking the previous two were, this one definitely couldn't be topped. It was a picture of me standing against Gundam 01 as it was colloquially known after the war. I had my hand on its leg, my forehead resting against it. I flipped it over quickly and the single word on the back led me to believe Duo may have been the photographer. "Goodbye." Did anyone seriously expect me to believe that  _I_  was a Gundam pilot? I mean... that was  _ludicrous_. Right...?

The next picture was another 8x11. I stared at it a long time, longer than I probably should've considering there could've been other patron's waiting. It was a picture of Duo and I. It must've been taken on a self-timer because it was taken at a low angle, like the camera was resting on a table. We looked a bit older than we did in the previous photos. We were at a restaurant. Duo was leaning against me with an ear-to-ear grin, holding up a beer and tilting it away a bit in a joyous gesture. Although I wasn't exactly smiling, I could tell I was happy. Happier then I'd ever seen myself. I was relaxed and comfortable with Duo there. I was beginning to understand why it hurt him so much to see me... And why I felt so uncontrollable around him.

I flipped to the back. The same handwriting. "New Year's Day – AC 200 – Best Life Ever." Ever was underlined twice. Over four years ago...

What happened? What would make me turn away from something that clearly made me happy? Something I longed for? It certainly didn't seem as though Duo left me...

I was starting to fall into the theory that I  _did_  do this to myself. How could I deny these pictures? As I thought about it through the week, I realized I didn't even remember much about my actual life, or what I thought my life was, my life as Jack Kaufmann. It was particularly uneventful, as I'd sectioned myself off from the world. Nothing stood out to me. No specific memories. Although I'd been living it, I'd never really stopped to think. Maybe that was normal when you had such a nondescript life. I don't know. It seemed normal to me. But anything beyond the past three years had no definition. I knew what I did but it didn't mean anything. My parents never grounded me. I never dated. I never went out. I never did anything different or suspicious. That was a result of quitting school at 12, right? I didn't do anything but research.

I felt confused and I wandered out of the room in a daze. I sat in my car and stared over the pictures once more and then the folded piece of paper that went along with them. I opened it and my own familiar handwriting greeted me.

**Duo will want these back.**

That was all it said. Fuck. It seemed particularly terrible that I would be so cruel to myself. Why didn't I write myself an explanation? About the money, about the pictures, about what the hell I did to myself. Why would I let myself live like this? Obviously Heero was a masochist. Maybe I didn't want to be him again.

Against my better judgment, I found myself starting the car. And although I didn't admit it to myself at first, I was driving to Sanc.

I was going to see Duo.

* * *

It was almost half past five when I arrived at his apartment. The whole drive had me shaken and I almost turned around more than once. But I had to know. Why didn't he say anything? Why didn't he tell me we were together? Did I just not hear him say it?

I was a little uncomfortable parking my Porsche in an area it stood out so blatantly but I didn't see what choice I had so I gave her one long, loving glance before taking a deep breath and ascending the four flights of stairs to Duo's place.

I felt like a complete idiot for doing this. He wasn't expecting me. What if he was angry? I should've called first. But it was too late for that, I guess.

When I reached his door, I knocked twice. I only had to wait a moment before the door flung open and I was met with those beautiful, stunned eyes.

"Heero...?" Duo was understandably confused. Hell, I was confused. He was dressed impeccably in tight black jeans and a deep red button up with a nice leather jacket. It occurred to me that maybe he was just about to go out and I was embarrassed then.

"I'm sorry," I apologized quickly. "I can be brief. I didn't mean to bother you..."

"I did have dinner plans." He folded his arms across his chest and studied me for a moment. "But I'll cancel them. Come on in." Obviously he knew enough about me not to question how I found his place.

Although it wasn't in a nice area, the interior was cozy enough and very well kept. I don't know what I was expecting, but the oversized plush furniture and bookcases full of mechanical trinkets seemed to suit him.

"Hang out here for a minute?" he asked. "I gotta call and cancel."

I nodded, sitting down, clutching the envelope of pictures and swallowing my anxiety. I heard him talking softly in the other room before he came out to join me again, shedding his jacket and un-tucking and unbuttoning his shirt, exposing a thin white undershirt that clung to his muscular frame. He sat down opposite of me and gave me a long, calculating stare. I was proud I didn't squirm.

"What do you want?" His coolness was somewhat hurtful but I knew I was being dramatic. He let me know he wasn't keen on seeing me again the last time we met. I should've respected that.

"I believe these are yours," I told him, handing over the envelope.

Duo took it without breaking eye contact, his suspicion obvious to me. He opened the envelope quickly and pulled out the pictures. His intake of breath was audible as he realized what they were and he clutched them briefly to his chest. Then he went through them one by one, touching his fingertips to my likeness softly.

It feels strange to be envious of a photograph, and even though he was technically looking at me, I suddenly just really wanted him to look up at me that way. The real me. This me. When I realized how ridiculously pathetic that was, I pushed that desire aside to focus on the ensuing conversation.

"I always wondered if you'd taken them," he admitted, sounding utterly forlorn, not able to tear his eyes from the glossy paper.

"You never told me we were..." I trailed off, not really sure  _what_  we were exactly. People who had apparently made each other happy once.

Then Duo looked up, incredulous, and held up the picture of me with the Gundam. "That is more noteworthy to you than the realization you were a Gundam pilot?"

Suddenly I felt embarrassed. Maybe I should've been more concerned about that but I guess I spent the whole drive thinking about  _him_  so it slipped my mind...

"I don't really believe it," I admitted.

Duo set the pictures down and walked into the other room. I followed him with my eyes expectantly, curious as to his actions. He came back from down the hall and threw me a gun from a few feet away. To my surprise, I caught it effortlessly. He crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the edge of where the wall met the hall, studying me.

"Take it apart," he instructed.

I barked out a rough laugh. "I've never held a gun in my life!"

Duo just nodded towards it and repeated the command. "Take it apart."

I stared at the cold metal in my hands, unsure where to start.

"Don't think so hard about it," he explained. "Just do it. Just think about it the way you think about me when you're not thinking."

On the surface that sentence puzzled me. But when the realization of his meaning hit me, it hit me like a punch to the gut. I felt weak, then, weak and frustrated and manipulated.

I knew why I felt all these things for Duo then. It was the other part of me, the part Heero had tried to erase, stuck somewhere in my subconscious, dictating my feelings without my control.

Now I didn't want to participate in this stupid challenge. I didn't want to know or deal with the implications. I wished I'd never come here. I wanted to go home. I wondered if I just got up and left right then, would Duo be able to reprise his dinner plans and we could all just go on living this lie.

But I couldn't. Because those sad eyes were trained on me, waiting. And as much as I wanted to be the victim here, I knew I wasn't. No one had suffered worse than Duo.  _Best life ever._  And I took that away.

I owed him this.

I took a few deep breaths and closed my eyes, feeling every smooth surface of the gun with my hands. I let myself stop thinking and before I knew it I had every piece dismantled on the coffee table.

When I came back to myself I was simultaneously impressed and angry but not really surprised. Duo knew him, knew me, knew what we were capable of. And I'm not referring to the gun, but to the fucked up thing he did to himself to create me.

"Pretty disconcerting to hear you say you've never held a gun in your life when you were holding one the first time I met you," he said as he began piecing the gun back together, deliberately not looking at me. "Weird to think you don't even remember me shooting you, rescuing you from that hospital... It's like our whole life together never happened when I'm the only one who remembers it."

"I'm sorry," I apologized to him for the second time. Although I wished it could be, I knew it wasn't good enough. I knew I couldn't really apologize for Heero when I didn't even understand his intentions. They were words from his mouth but they weren't his. They were only mine.

"What's sorry gonna do now?" he snapped, glaring at me and leaving the room quickly with the gun intact. I felt incredibly stupid. There was no way to fix this. Sorry wasn't going to cut it.

Eventually he came back and he seemed more subdued. He sat down next to me and leaned back on the couch, his hands propped under his head.

"We were pretty good together, you know?" Duo started, a wistful smile slipping across his lips. He didn't look at me, and I was thankful. I wasn't sure I wanted to hear what he had to say, but it was the least I could do. "During the war, you always had my back, even when I knew you didn't want to, you always came for me. You broke orders. You saved me from some serious shit holes. Despite how hard I fought it, I couldn't help falling in love with you..." He shook his head slightly, wandering down memory lane, accessing a place I couldn't follow.

"Quatre thought I was fucking nuts," he recalled with a chuckle. "Don't get me wrong, blondie always liked ya, but he thought I'd get hurt, that you'd never be able to have a normal relationship after what you'd been through. But Quatre didn't get it. I never wanted normal. I wanted your shit so I could feel okay about mine. I wanted someone to challenge me, to be rough with me, to fight with me, to complete me..." Duo bit his lower lip for a minute but regained composure quickly.

"You'd don't even remember the first time we had sex," he said sadly, reflecting on that for a moment before laughing out loud. "Or that time in the Preventer's HQ showers. I don't know what got into you that day but I knew the look in your eye when you shoved me under the shower and Wufei walked in right when..." he trailed off then, blushing slightly to be divulging his escapades, even if they were to his former lover. "Just take it from me, we were great that way too." I nodded despite the fact Duo's eyes were elsewhere.

"You always gave me anything I wanted." The words were soft now, back to being sad. "Any stupid thing I thought up, no matter what you really thought about it, you would make sure I got it. I couldn't believe you agreed to take me to New York City for New Year's Eve. You hate people and crowds and holidays. I didn't usually ask for things like that, though..." He took a moment to collect his thoughts then said, "Maybe you felt bad for me, but I didn't want your pity. Maybe you were trying to redeem yourself for your actions during the war by making one person's life special – I don't know. I guess I never will...

"Not that we didn't have our fair share of fights!" Duo's eyes turned to me for the first time since he'd sat down. "Man, but even our fights were sumthin'. All out brawls is what they turned into. I loved that about you. We were so physical. Well, until the end there... I guess I should've known when you stopped touching me." He shrugged and dropped his hands into his lap.

There was silence between us then and I sat reeling from everything he said. But I was still puzzled and unsure. If everything was as he said, if those pictures were to be believed...

"Heero was an idiot," I blurted out. He blinked and sat up straight, meeting my eyes directly. "If I had someone like you, I'd never let you go." For a moment he sat there, absolutely stunned, those eyes wide and trained on me. His breathing stopped and I was faintly concerned that I should say something to snap him out of it but he was so... and his lips parted and...

And then he was kissing me – or I was kissing him – but we were kissing each other, locked together desperately. And then he was straddling me, ripping at my hair, grabbing the back of my head and holding me against him so I couldn't break his kiss, even if I wanted to. My hands slipped under his shirt, gripping his waist, feeling his body shudder under the intensity of our kiss. Our breathing was ragged, slipping through our open mouths, mostly just recirculated air from each other. I started feeling light headed but I couldn't stop. I had never felt so alive in my life. Kissing him was exactly as I wrote to myself – like finding a missing piece of myself.

Then his hands were wandering down my torso, tugging my shirt out of my pants and teasing the sensitive skin under my waistband so that I was left gasping, dragging his hips closer to me by grabbing his ass firmly and drawing him forward. But when our hips collided the friction had us both writhing in pleasure and he moaned my name. But it wasn't my name. It was Heero's.

We both stopped abruptly, feeling the tension between us. He looked guilty and ashamed as we sat there, catching our breaths, letting the passion cool.

"This isn't right," I finally muttered, dropping my hands from his body. "I'm not him."

"You don't want me?" he asked cautiously, seeming very vulnerable, almost afraid of my rejection.

"I want you so bad," I admitted, my voice husky with desire, and I slipped a hand through the hair at the base of his neck, pulling him in for a long, lingering kiss.

"But I don't want to hurt you," I whispered as we parted and he rested his forehead against mine.

"It's too late for that," Duo whispered back. "You hurt me a long time ago..."

He kissed me then, lightly, his lips quivering, and I could taste the saline from his silent tears. The back of my knuckles brushed his cheek softly. I didn't know what to say or do. No matter how much I wanted him, it just wasn't fair to lead him on. He wanted me to be Heero, and I wasn't. Even if I wanted to be.

And then I realized what it was I had to do. I had to reverse this. The only thing I could do for him was to give him Heero back. Maybe that would obliterate me, but maybe I would be happier, too.

"I should go," I stated bluntly.

The words made Duo flinch but I think he understood why I had to. Though he didn't say anything, he did get up off me and backed away to the hallway, standing dejectedly with his arms across his chest. The way his eyes followed me as I straightened my clothes was heart wrenching. Maybe I had never felt as good as I had moments before, but I also had never felt as bad as I did right then either.

But those painful blue eyes I couldn't force myself to meet only steeled my resolve and as I made the long drive back to Geneva, I started formulating my plan.


	5. 1.5 The Proposition

I'm not really sure how much time I spent researching AI design in my life. Logically, I knew I had been diligently researching since 12. But now I knew that despite what I thought I knew about my life, that wasn't the case. It's strange – I didn't know why I did this to myself, and frankly, I didn't really know why I just accepted that I had. But what other choice did I have? What other explanation was there?

Which left me asking, if I hadn't spent almost fifteen years on this, how long did I spend? I should've asked Duo how long I'd been researching AI before I left. The idea that it might not have been that long at all made me feel vastly unsure of myself. I suppose if I was able to get myself into this predicament to begin with, I knew enough about the subject to get myself out.

... right?

I growled and slammed open my office door. I didn't doubt myself. I didn't spend time worrying about my abilities. These ridiculous thoughts did nothing but distract me from my purpose. It was difficult enough to think about having to wipe my own memory to restore a person I wasn't even sure I liked. I didn't need any second thoughts.

But thinking about Duo – the way he felt in my hands, the way he tasted on my lips, the way those eyes bore into my soul, begging me to be real, begging me to be  _Heero_  – steeled my resolve.

Why? There again, I didn't know. Why was I willing to completely destroy myself for that man?

I sat down at my desk and realized my fingers were trembling on the keyboard... and I knew. I knew I would do it for him because in my whole sorry time on this planet, no one left me feeling this way. No one got under my skin like this. I never spent as much time thinking about anyone else in the past twenty-four years the way I thought about him in the past twenty-four hours.

And that was only some reaction in my subconscious spurring me into this obsessive desire. If my feelings were this strong, even buried under heaping layers of Jack, even in the face of my own destruction I couldn't deny it simply wasn't fair to keep Heero from him. By contrast, I had done nothing noteworthy, had no experience worth even a tenth of the buffered feelings I was experiencing for Duo.

I sighed and tried to push those thoughts to the back of my mind. I had a lot to think about without such diversions. To be honest, I didn't even know where to start. I didn't work with memory specifically. I'm not even sure how Heero figured out a way to put me – us – in this position. From the outside, the whole situation appeared rather hopeless, I'll admit. But I tried to remain positive, tried to have faith in myself.

Unfortunately, I rather quickly realized I was going to have to attempt to weasel some kind of information out of Duo. While the prospect of talking to him again sent a thrilling shiver down my spine, I knew it wasn't going to be easy or even wise. But who else would know what Heero was working on before he left? At least Duo could give me a shove in the right direction...

And there I was – thinking about him again.

This was going to be more difficult than I anticipated.

Just as I was clearing out my inbox from the previous night – managing to will Duo from my mind for fifteen minutes – my phone rang and I pulled up the screen, immediately recognizing Duo's cell number. I froze for a moment, feeling like my heart was going to jump up my throat, before hastily accepting the call. His handsome face popped up, looking rueful and embarrassed.

"Hey Jack," he greeted, his face flushed, his eyes apologetic.

It was easy for me to hide my surprise at the greeting from him – I hid most of my emotions most of the time – but I still felt every bit of it. He'd always called me Heero.

But before I even had a chance to respond to his greeting, he continued quickly. "You know I was thinking, maybe Jack n' I should go on a date... A real date, that's not about Heero or the past or any of that."

I blinked, feeling suspicious. "Why?" I asked, immediately regretting the question when his smile slipped. Although he recovered quickly, the pain was still obvious in his eyes.

"Look – I'll be straight with you. You might not be Heero, but I'll be damned if you walk right out of my life again." Despite his smile, his voice had a harsh quality that made my stomach churn nervously. "So I wanna take you on a date,  _Jack_ , and I hope you'll agree."

I found myself nodding compulsively, personally humiliated at my quick capitulation – although I know I would've agreed anyway, in spite of my reservations.

"Good!" Duo exclaimed cheerfully, the authenticity coming back to his happy expression. "Are you free this weekend? We could meet half way, ya know, or I could come down that way."

"This weekend is fine." I thought for a moment. I realized quite quickly that I didn't want to risk him coming back to my apartment – or me going to his, either. It was too soon, the situation was too strange. I didn't want to hurt him again. "I think half way would be good."

Whether Duo knew my motives or not, he seemed genuinely pleased. "Well, I'm picking the place again! Unless you didn't like the last one...?" he asked slyly, feigning a lack of confidence.

"No, it was perfect," I admitted, unable to deny that fact.

"Ha, ha! I knew it!" he whooped and I could see why Heero fell in love with him – his enthusiasm was contagious. I felt the corners of my lips twitch involuntarily. "Don't worry buddy, I'll pick another good one, especially if we can meet in Zurich."

"Zurich is fine," I agreed, pleasing him immensely.

"Great! Take whatever train gets in closest to four, huh?" Once again, I agreed easily and he made a motion with his hand that imitated a gun firing at me. And then I realized, maybe a bit foolishly all things considered, that he was  _flirting_  with me. No one had ever...

"Gotcha! I'll see ya then, Jack," he emphasized my name with a wink and the screen cut out.

This affection left me feeling jumbled and lost inside. I knew he only felt this way because I was Heero, but at the same time, it felt... nice. Nice to be wanted by someone. Nice to feel desirable.

But... what if Duo was going to try to get to know  _me_? I had been so set on undoing what Heero had done that I never even considered that Duo might've been formulating his own plan. If he loved Heero, what's to say he wouldn't love me? I mean, I was him, at one point anyway.

I looked down at my hands and noticed they were so tightly balled into fists they were shaking. I stared at them in horror. I knew this whole situation was affecting me badly but...

I don't – I don't know how long I could be expected to deal with this!

* * *

By Wednesday I was feeling frustrated and confused and unsure of whether I should proceed or not with meeting Duo for our first date. I spent most of that morning doing nothing productive and so it was I found myself wandering back from the small, supplementary team break room with my mug of tea grasped firmly in my hand, the warmth of the dark liquid soothing me. The technical division office wing was always kept remarkably cold due to the amount of computer equipment and servers we had in our area. Typically it didn't affect me, altthough my teammates complained relentlessly about it, but for some reason after meeting Duo I felt the temperature much more acutely than I had previously.

Unable to help myself I glanced into the lab rooms as I passed, noting the different teams occupying them, until I passed the last one in which Aisha was working alone. I walked by and paused, turning back around.

"Aisha," I announced myself from the doorframe and she turned to me, offering a small smile.

"Jack," she murmured, leaning back in her seat, her soft blue eyes meeting mine affectionately.

She was easily old enough to be my mother, her blonde hair showing a few platinum streaks of age, and she had always been kind to me, as if sensing I lacked a maternal figure to care for me. Although I knew this wasn't the case now, I had always thought my parents died in a car crash when I was eighteen, but either way, I didn't have a mother to speak of, and her fondness had always seemed genuine enough that I accepted it without complaint.

"Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?" I asked as I walked in to meet her, sitting casually on the long, metal desk the computers in that lab rested on against the wall.

Aisha and I only occasionally worked together. Her research was more in the realm of memory storage and allocation though she knew quite a bit about the brain and its structure and interconnectivity so we only really overlapped where I had questions regarding the best ways to interface an AI directly with the brain. For a while we worked together regularly, but over the past year as I got a handle on my research we'd fallen away and I couldn't believe I forgot to speak to her in my quest for research regarding memory alteration.

In fact, I was sure she would be able to offer me key insights into my current condition – if I trusted her enough to help. But I didn't trust anyone and I was careful about what I pulled up on my work computer so that Nexxus wouldn't get suspicious either. Not that I thought it was any of their business, but I was a very well compensated, integral part of their organization and it's always better to walk the straight and narrow in that position. The last thing they needed to think was that I was doing personal research that would interfere with my non-compete clause on company time.

"Of course, anytime," she agreed easily, waving a delicate hand in a gesture of openness.

"I am having some issues regarding memory storage," I lied straight to her face without feeling a hint of guilt. "Some testing is coming back stating that the subject's memory is altered after interaction with the AI."

"I would love to see those result logs," she interjected and I made sure my façade didn't betray my irritation at her helpfulness.

"Oh, no, that's okay," I appeased, "my work has been a bit slow – testing has never been my favorite phase of development – and the instances so negligible that I thought I would just do some research on my own to come up with a plausible theory explaining the anomaly."

"Ah," she nodded her head but her brows furrowed as if she didn't particularly care for that explanation.

"Anyway, I wondered if you could send me some texts you thought were relevant." I gave her my most self-deprecating smile, though it was a struggle for me to do so. "Honestly the body of work relating to memory allocation is so large I'm unsure of where to start."

She chuckled, a sound a bit like pealing bells, and rested her head in one hand while studying me contemplatively. "A moment when age is better than intelligence," she teased. "I will send you some of my favorite theses on the subject if you'd like."

"I would be indebted to you," I answered honestly, and then decided to throw her a bone for her willingness to help me. "I'm sure in a few weeks I'll be at your office door with those logs in hand."

"Ah, the stubbornness of youth!" She winked at me and then shooed me away with one hand. "I'll get those materials to you this afternoon," she promised before I walked back out, feeling proud of myself for deceiving her so easily.

Maybe I wouldn't have to use that research, I still wasn't sure, but it certainly couldn't hurt to have information that could possibly clue me in as to how Heero did this to us. And maybe, just maybe, it would trigger some memory within me that could help explain  _why_  he'd done this, too...


	6. 1.6 The Date

I stood outside the Zurich terminal, breathing in the crisp mountain air and taking in the picturesque city surrounding me. While Geneva was all about new and most of the old city was torn down over time, replaced with gleaming spires of steel and glass, Zurich had attempted to keep its quaint charm and hailed itself as "the most romantic city in Europe" due to it's old world feel. I suppose I should have considered that when Duo suggested meeting here, but my mind was so altered by the sight of him I didn't even consider it until I was standing in the Geneva terminal, staring at a poster of my destination advertising that fact with a silhouetted couple kissing in front of a charming cityscape replete with cutesy red-roofed buildings and a mountain backdrop.

I wasn't sure what Duo was thinking. I hated romance. Maybe in that way I differed from Heero? But would a man who couldn't even smile on New Years Day when his restrained happiness threatened to pour out of his eyes really be the type that was into romantic gestures?

"You always gave me anything I wanted," he'd said the last time we met, the kind and gentle words floating up from my subconscious. Maybe Heero wasn't so terribly unromantic after all.

Glancing at my watch I noted the time was 4:15 and that the train from Sanc should've just arrived. I turned back around to study the doors of the terminal, waiting to spot the object of my intrigue.

I only had to wait another two minutes before he was walking through the doors, his eyes scanning the dispersing crowd and quickly landing on me. A smile broke unfettered across his face and I felt my heart catch at its sight.

When I walked up to meet him he looked for a moment like he was going to wrap me into a hug but then thought better of it so we stood there awkwardly, just taking in the sight of each other.

"You know, I was betting against myself that you'd agree to Zurich," he finally said to open the conversation.

I felt my face contort into a frown. "Had I been thinking, I probably wouldn't have."

But that just made him smile all the wider so I didn't mind. "Glad I could be such a distraction." He paused a moment, then looked at me, seeming a bit troubled. "Have you ever been here?"

I thought about that question for a moment and realized in light of my predicament I didn't really know how to answer. "Not that I remember," I finally settled upon, the truth as much as it could be.

"Maybe after dinner I'll show you around?" he suggested and I nodded, letting him dictate the terms of this date. After all, he invited me. "But let's go! The place I picked gets packed in the evenings and I wanna be out of there before that."

He didn't have to tell me twice so I followed him down the winding and confused corridors that were hallmarks of old European cities that hadn't been reformatted to a more sensible grid pattern. Although I began making a mental map in my head, I was glad for his guidance because finding the restaurant initially would've proven challenging.

We ended up at a lovely building situated on the Limmat and Duo had apparently placed reservations for us because we were lead up to a rather private booth next to windows overlooking the river and streets below. Perhaps I wasn't much into romantic gestures, but Duo clearly was. Although undoubtedly more frequented than the sushi restaurant he'd taken me to before, this one still had the same homey quality that I couldn't help but appreciate. He quickly ordered us a bottle of Malbec once the waiter came and not for the first time did I feel uneasy that he knew me so well but I knew nothing about him in return.

I glanced over the menu in an attempt to hide my agitation and noted the variety of traditional Swiss dishes. Despite having lived in Geneva for years now, I had never sampled much Swiss fare, but then Geneva was a very modern city and lacked establishments of this nature.

"The Zürcher Geschnetzeltes is great here," Duo offered, without even picking up the menu. "So is the fondue, but I know how you feel about cheese."

"Sorry," I found myself apologizing just to ease the tension I felt. He looked at me the way he had when I'd apologized before – like he couldn't understand what would possess me to say such a thing. Like he couldn't understand who I was.

"Eh, no worries," he replied easily and we sat in silence as I decided on an item. I suppose I'll admit to holding the menu long after I'd made a choice, nervous about having to face him and thankful for its place between us.

But eventually the waitress came back to pour our wine and take our order and I was left staring straight into his vibrant blue eyes, made even more so by the deep purple shirt he was wearing. I studied him carefully – the way his bangs fell into his eyes, the small scars that marred his face from what I postulated could only be wartime abuse, the way his shoulders filled out that shirt and lead to muscular hands that were calloused and abused and I wondered what he could ever see in a soft, cushioned research tech like me. Heero, his war buddy, former Preventer agent, that made sense. But Jack...? I was disgusted with myself for even considering it was a possibility. He had been studying me as well and I could only imagine what he thought. I wasn't him. Maybe I looked like him, wore his skin, but I wasn't  _him_.

"Did you date much since Heero?" I asked at length and Duo seemed surprised. He tilted his wine glass back and forth and took a huge gulp.

"I tried," he admitted. "But when your former boyfriend and first love's resume includes free falling from fifty feet and surviving, bending steel to rescue me from an OZ prison, screwing me raw in space under a canopy of stars,  _and_  saving the whole damned planet from certain destruction without regard to his own safety, well... makes it kinda difficult for your average accountants and run-of-the-mill bartenders to compete." Duo shrugged then, seeming a little embarrassed, but he'd confirmed for me what I was suspecting. I could never compete with that. Maybe I had done those things, or at least, this body had, but Jack couldn't repeat them. If I had to do them again, I would fail.

"I see." My words were terse, a bit more strained than I'd intended, and Duo jumped to apologize.

"Look, I don't want you to get the wrong idea, I'm definitely gonna give this a shot," he attempted to comfort me. "I've looked at your research. You're definitely smart enough to challenge me. You still know about many of the things that make me who I am. I mean, fuck, at least you know something about mobile suits. I was piloting years before kids get their learners permit. No one gets that. No one can understand what that does to you, what you become with that kind of responsibility. I just want someone who can understand..."

I felt guilty then for being selfish and doubting his ability to love me. Duo was obviously being sincere in his invite out here and he was clearly desperate to find someone who could be sympathetic to him. It was unfair to forgot how torn up he was about this situation and why. I was just looking to explore these deep feelings inside of myself – he had lost his soul mate.

Instead of apologizing I looked at him. "I can try," I promised sincerely. This brought his smile back and made my heart soar. For the first time I knew he was smiling at me. Not some distant memory of Heero.  _Me_.

"That's all I ask," Duo relaxed, leaning back in his chair with his wine glass held precariously in his rough grip and I thought – I liked him like this. Relaxed. At ease. I guess it was the first time I'd really seen him this way.

"So tell me about yourself," I propositioned, leaning across the table and fingering the stem of my glass in a way that I hoped came across as flirtatious and not feral, though I think most people found me the latter. "You know quite a bit about me, but I know nothing about you."

"Whaddaya want ta know?" he asked openly, gesturing in a way that indicated he had nothing to hide.

"What's a freelance consultant do, for instance?" I asked and he laughed.

"Oh, that," Duo waved a hand and seemed slightly embarrassed. "Once you left I quit Preventer in a rather undignified manner – oh, 'Fei would give you a load about how dishonorable it was but I'll let him give you the details sometime – and freelance consultant is just a nice way of saying hired help. I got quite a few connections, especially with Quat, so it really wasn't a bad transition. And freight piloting's been pretty good the past couple years with the L6 installation and the Mars Terraforming Project, so I can always find work there."

"You like that kind of thing? The uncertainty?" I asked warily and Duo stared at me for a minute. I was worried I'd offended him until he burst into laughter.

"Yeah, we're kinda opposites that way, ya know." He sipped his wine and contemplated his next words carefully. "I was only doing the Preventers gig for Heero anyway. Once he was gone, well, it was pretty obvious the job wasn't for me." There was something he wasn't saying, but I didn't want to pry so I changed the topic by asking about what he did in his off time.

Duo expounded at length on his various hobbies and the time he put in at the orphanage where he volunteered. He was describing different children he adored when the waitress came with our food. Pleasure was painted all over his face before he even took a bite and I realized then he had a great appreciation for food. I filed it away as potentially useful information, especially if I was going to initiate a date myself in the future...

"I'd like to go with you sometime," I said quickly, before I let myself chicken out. He stopped with his fork buried in polenta and slowly lifted his shocked face to mine.

"Go where?" he asked, incredulous. "The orphanage?"

"Or not," I replied, feeling like I'd made a terrible mistake. "I understand if it's private and you don't want –"

"No!" he corrected, cutting me off. "No, no, I'd love for you to come! It's just..." he seemed rueful and he dug his fork into his food a bit. "Heero would never have wanted to come. I never asked because I knew he thought it was silly and I didn't want to get hurt but I always wanted him to come..."

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes at Heero's stupidity. "I thought we already established that Heero was an idiot."

"It's not that," he replied quickly, then instantly regretted it when he noticed my curiosity. "Just... makes me think... maybe he would've come, if I'd have asked."

I sighed before I could stop myself. Do you know how hard it is to compete with a dead version of yourself? A version of yourself that your date was apparently still in love with and defended so staunchly he had no faults? A version who was assigned all of your limited good qualities?

I figured now was as good a time as any to bring up that version of myself as we were already on the topic.

"Speaking of Heero, I do have to ask you something," I opened softly, not really wanting to continue but having no other choice. Despite how well I thought this date had been progressing, the fact of the matter was that Duo wasn't ever going to be happy with me. Duo's face looked pained, like he didn't really want me to continue, but he didn't argue so I went on. "What was Heero working on before he disappeared?"

Duo harrumphed and blew at his bangs, rearranging the food on his plate for the second time. "Oh, I don't really know, I was pretty frustrated at him then, you know? He was always poring over these books that were as thick as my dick and apparently far more interesting." The crude reference made my face hot involuntarily. "I used to harass him about 'em, I didn't understand why he wanted all these huge books – no one buys physical books anymore – but he always gave me some bag of shit about traceability. I think that's a little extreme, no one cared if he was reading some bull about brain reconstruction except me, because it meant he wasn't paying attention to me."

I ignored the petulant tone of his voice in favor of his words. Traceability? I wondered... Maybe he intentionally bought books so that he could take them with him when he became me? I did have a rather large collection of books at home...

I snapped back to the present to see him eating angrily and I reached a tentative hand across the table and covered his left fist gently. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought it up. We were having a nice time."

He glared at my hand for a moment before his expression softened and he looked up at me. "Yeah," he agreed with a funny little smile. "We were."

"Then forget I asked and let's enjoy this lovely food and this great view you picked out for us and you can tell me more about the kids at the orphanage, huh?"

Very briefly he loosened his hand and slipped his fingers between mine, squeezing tightly before he withdrew and nodded, picking up where he'd left off in a tale about the pranks he'd had pulled on him.

I was glad to have him smiling and at ease again by the end of dinner and we left to wander the streets along the river as the sun shot brilliant, warm hues through the sky. Duo begged me to stop for ice cream, which I gladly purchased, and we enjoyed it while he led me through the city, pointing out different historic buildings. As the sun hit the skyline we crossed the Münsterbrücke bridge and stood before Fraumünster abbey, it's beautiful blue spire standing out brilliantly against the orange sky and the overwhelming feeling of nostalgia washed over me, like I had been there before and if only I shut my eyes and let go I would remember what I was doing there...

"Don't you want to know what your life was really like?" Duo asked quietly. "Your past, I mean. Not me, but before that."

I considered it for a moment. I guess I never really thought about it. I had finished my ice cream only moments ago so I slipped the napkin in my pocket and turned to him, the wind tugging gently at his hair so that it slid out of his braid and played across his face. He was even more striking than the abbey tower...

"No, I don't think so," I mused. "I had a good life, I think. I dropped out of school at twelve to research AI. I had a good home. Parents who loved me, despite their untimely deaths. I never got in trouble, I never wanted for anything. Is there anything in my past that would've been better than that?"

Duo studied the last bit of his ice cream cone intensely and I was worried I said something wrong. He looked on the verge of tears but he turned to me and smiled again, that tiny smile that was weary around the edges, like it hurt him to try.

"No," he admitted, "Heero's life wasn't better than that." He dropped his eyes from me and finished the rest of his sugar cone, licking his thumb to get the last bit of stickiness from his fingers.

"Duo," I called and he turned his face up to meet mine again. Tenderly I brought a hand up to his cheek, rubbing my thumb across his cheekbone. "It was better. He had you."

I felt Duo's body stiffen as I leaned forward and kissed him. And then he was trembling under my lips as he returned the kiss, leaning into me, lifting a hand to cover mine and press it closer to his face. He tasted sweet from the ice cream and warm against the chill in the air and I couldn't imagine anything more wonderful than that moment.

When our lips reluctantly parted our noses and foreheads stayed pressed together, our eyes so close they couldn't meet. Our hands dropped and I grasped his other one as well, squeezing them tightly as I leaned forward to brush little kisses against his cheeks and the corners of his lips and his nose and his jaw line.

"Will I get a second date?" I whispered in his ear, kissing it and eliciting a small moan from him that made my knees weak and my dick hard.

"Yeah," he breathed and the way his hips shimmied against mine as he pressed himself against me drove me wild and while in some ways I regretted that we were in Zurich and not Sanc or Geneva, I was glad I'd had the forethought to agree to neutral territory. I didn't want to ruin this little bit of progress we'd made just to jump in bed with him and fuck it all up.

"Good," I mumbled back, unable to come up with anything more intelligible in the heat of that moment.

"Fuck," he muttered then, pulling away from me slightly. "I'm going out of town for two weeks on a transport run to Mars."

"It's okay. I'll be here when you get back," I teased and he flashed me a bright grin, pulling me forward into another kiss.

"You better be,  _Jack_ ," he emphasized. "I can't handle being left by two handsome men." Although his tone was light and joking, I could tell he was serious.

"I will be. And I'll take you out next time," I promised, kissing him one last time as we both knew we had to be heading to the train station. He didn't let my hand go as he lead me back and although I normally wasn't fond of public displays of affection, we'd just kissed in front of one of the most popular landmarks in Zurich so it was a bit late for that now. Plus it seemed to make him happy and that was enough for me.

I watched him get on his train with the assurance that I'd call before finding my own.

I spent the pleasantly short train ride in a mix between jubilation and discomfort, remembering those lips under mine such a short time ago. But of course my thoughts turned dark and despite the nice date we'd had, I started to doubt him, worrying that he was forcing himself for the sake of being with a second rate version of Heero. So by the time the train pulled into the station I was more hurt than anything else and I drove back to my apartment in agitated silence.

I threw my jacket over the couch and flopped down on it, part of me wanting to down a fifth of whiskey and the other wanting to jack off to the thought of him but both felt unfair and both made me resentful towards myself.

And then my eyes fell on my bookshelf and I couldn't believe my most important recon mission had slipped my mind. I guess when I was kissing him I thought Jack and Duo had a chance. But now in the quiet aftermath I knew the truth.

I stood up and for the first time ever noted just how many books I had on the brain and memory reconstruction. I wanted to laugh! How come I didn't know these were here? But of course I couldn't trust my own head, it'd been altered without my permission and the laughter died in my throat.

In anger I began pulling them off, one by one, flipping through them quickly to see if there were any notes. But of course Heero Yuy was better than notes and I found nothing.

Until I yanked out a particularly large book titled  _Circuitry in the Cerebral Cortex_. As soon as I opened it a folded piece of paper slipped out and I stared at it laying on the ground as if it were a coiled snake that would strike me if I moved in the slightest.

Eventually I shook away my silly superstition and reached down to pick it up, carefully, as my hands were shaking.

Trying to hold off from opening it as long as possible I made my way back to the couch and flopped down unceremoniously, staring at the stark white paper. And then I flipped it open.

My own handwriting greeted me and I felt the piece of myself holding out that Duo was somehow mistaken, that it was all a joke, that I wasn't really Heero Yuy shatter.

**If you're reading this it means that you also find it impossible to deny him anything his heart desires, even if it means you have to destroy yourself to do so. Unfortunately I was afraid of that, knowing intimately how his pain haunts me, especially now. You must understand, knowing me and knowing him, I could never have done this if it wasn't vital to his safety and wellbeing. The pain I feel at this moment is overwhelming. I would give up and run away with him if I wasn't sure I was a threat as well. I left you money – take it. Take it and him and run far away from here. You won't be able to reverse this process, the amount of time and money spent to make you who you are today is astronomical, so I implore you not to try. If I have ever made him happy, then you can too, so don't doubt yourself. Please find it in yourself to love him as much as I do and let this matter go.**

I read the note several times, surprised and upset by its implications. From everything Duo told me, I knew he would follow Heero to the ends of the earth, so his perceived threat to Duo's welfare must've been real enough to warrant these extreme measures.

But unfortunately I was again left with more questions than answers. If Heero was going to hurt him, what's to say that I wouldn't? Somewhere in my subconscious mind, I was still him, after all. And if he wasn't the only one out to hurt him, wasn't he doing all of us a massive disservice keeping me in the dark about what that threat was? And who else was involved in the creation of Jack Kaufmann? I guess I always assumed that this had been a small-scale operation Heero undertook alone. Knowing other people were involved in my making without a clue as to who they were felt unnerving, to say the least.

I opted for the whiskey then, pouring myself glass after glass until my thoughts were so muddled I fell asleep on the couch.


	7. 1.7 The Two-Week Wait

Monday morning didn't leave me feeling resolved about much. Part of me wanted to see Duo desperately, part of me wanted to take the fifty thousand credits in that bank and run to Tahiti alone, part of me wanted to undo all this and force Heero to deal with this situation himself. Despite what he'd said in the note, he  _did_  run away. He ran away from Duo and himself and whatever threat there was and hid inside of me. And that pissed me off.

So I was mostly feeling pissed when the call came in that morning.

I didn't recognize the number but that didn't mean much recently and despite how angry I was I couldn't help but hope it was Duo, calling from wherever he was before he left for Mars.

You can imagine my surprise when I accepted the connection and was faced with Mister Quatre Raberba Winner's fair and none to pleased face. I'm sure my mouth opened and shut unsuccessfully as I attempted to find any words for this unusual situation.

"Hello, Jack." The soft, pleasant voice was a strange juxtaposition to the caustic way in which he shot the greeting at me.

"Mister Winner?" I finally asked in obvious confusion.

"Duo never could lie," he tsked and I got the feeling I was a bug he wanted to squash under his foot. "He told me he met a wonderful, intriguing man by the name of Jack who he thought he'd fall easily for." Mister Winner studied his manicured fingernails as if they were infinitely more interesting than me. "But I know Duo too well." His clear blue eyes met mine with a barely veiled threat beneath them. "I knew it was you. Every date he's been on recently was an abject disappointment. No number of nice guys failed to please him. I introduced him to princes but they weren't good enough, because they weren't  _you_." He spat the word 'you' as if it turned his stomach to have it in his mouth. As if I personally disgusted him.

"I don't even know you," I returned haughtily, immediately regretting speaking to a man of his stature that way but unable to stop myself against his insulting tone.

He looked at me and chuckled. "That's right. You don't. But  _I_  know  _you_." I knew that meant nothing good and I repressed a shiver at his cool and menacing tone.

"What do you want?" he asked after a moment, his hands gesturing in an open way.

"What?" I asked back, thoroughly perplexed.

" _What_  do you  _want_?" he repeated a bit slower, as if I were an imbecile. "You must know I can give you anything you desire. What payment do you want in exchange for leaving Duo alone?"

I was proud of myself for not letting my mouth hang open in my disbelief.

"Nothing!" I replied quickly. "I don't want to leave him alone. I just found him." I surprised myself with the strength of my conviction, but that didn't faze Mister Winner.

"That's unfortunate," he said with a sigh. "You know you tried to hurt him, don't you? This isn't a joke. If you don't hurt him yourself, they will."

"They who?" I felt myself at the breaking point, my anger roiling in my stomach, my fingers gripping my desk so hard they began to ache. "How can I defend him against a threat I don't know?"

"You  _are_  the threat Jack!" His words seared with their intensity. "What about that don't you understand? If he stays with you, he  _will_  die. If you love him, you will leave! It's that easy."

"No, it's not!" I shot back. "I can't leave him again. I promised I wouldn't. Isn't it his right to decide if the risk is worth it? Shouldn't you be honest and tell him what's going on?"

The glare Mister Winner leveled at me would've made a lesser man back down. But I was over it. I was tired of this game. I was frustrated by not knowing what was going on or why, pissed that I could hurt Duo and he knew how but wouldn't tell me, furious that he felt he could threaten me with no explanation. I easily threw his glare back at him and I was sure if we were in the same room it would've iced over.

"You have to decide if his life is worth it to you or not," Mister Winner growled through gritted teeth. "But let me warn you, his life  _is_  worth it to me. And if you make an enemy of me, I will rain hell upon you in ways you cannot even imagine so please back off before I am forced to eliminate you my self."

The screen went black then and I was left reeling from the threats against my person by the infamous business mogul.

I knew he and Duo were close, but... How was I supposed to deal with this? Should I tell Duo his buddy was a psychopath bent on killing me? Surely Duo wouldn't believe me. Mister Winner was well known for his charity and affectionate personality. And even if he  _did_ believe me, what good would it do? It would either frighten him or alienate him from one of us. Though I wanted nothing more than for Duo to chew him the hell out for his actions, I didn't want to cause him any more strife, especially when I was the cause of so much of it since our first meeting.

Mister Winner obviously knew something about why Heero was lead to such drastic measures – his words mimicked the note Heero had left for me. But his hostility made it clear that I wasn't going to get any useful information out of him.

One thing was clear, though. I had to be careful. Obviously Heero was a legitimate threat to Duo. And I might be too – as much as it pained me to consider that. Winner thought so, anyway. But Heero seemed fastidious, at least if he was anything like me he certainly was, and he had no concerns as far as my interaction with Duo. He basically begged me to run away with him, which he surely wouldn't have done if I was a legitimate threat, right?

The whole thing was so confusing I couldn't puzzle it out. And when I tried to ignore all the facts of the situation and think about what I wanted, I didn't even know if I could trust myself, thinking of Heero's subconscious screaming at me to stay with Duo. Because that was all I seemed to want. My beloved job didn't matter to me any more. My life meant nothing now that he was in it. He was it for me. He was all I wanted, all the time.

And I was pretty sure he felt the same way.

* * *

_Cold, white, sterile room. He felt like death, slipping silently forward, slipping into the seat. Cold, white, sterile seat. Uncomfortable._

_Eyes floating around the room, no defined point to focus on. Hard to force his eyes forward. Hard to close them. Fear pounding through him, not wanting to be caught off guard._

_Duo walked in, cupping his face with his hands. Warm, blue, comforting eyes. Giving him something to focus on. Whispering his love. Whispering that it was for the best. Warm, wet, fervent kiss. Perfection._

_But he wasn't real. A different man stood there instead. Old, white lab coat, acted confidently. A lie. False bravado._

_He was warning him about the procedure. Potential memory loss. No shit? Kinda the point, right? No, he assured, permanent. Unable to be reversed._

_Didn't matter now. Too late now._

_Duo staring over his shoulder, looking forlorn. Looking the way he would look if he knew what was going on. Lost. Abandoned._

_He blinked. Removed him. Now wasn't the time to be thinking that. For the best. It was for the best._

_Couldn't turn back now. Too late now._

_Sterile chair reclined. Neural transmitters attached. Machine sounds. Cardiovascular transmitters. Heartbeat. IV insertion. Impending sleep._

_He was talking about what to expect. Headaches. Nausea. Disorientation. Didn't matter. Wouldn't remember. Procedure. For him, his confidence._

_Drifting. Slowly. Sleep._

_Duo laying on him, pocketknife gleaming. One last kiss. Needy. Loving. Holding the knife. Slipping across his skull. Blood running. Down his head, down his eyes, down the chair. Drip, drip. Drip, drip._

_Drip in time to his heart beat._

I awoke with a start, gasping desperately for breath and fighting to rend myself from the sweat-soaked sheets entangling me. Then I stopped and just let myself breathe for a moment. I never dreamt like that, so vividly, about such a stressful, hopeless thing. This whole situation was too stressful. I had spent the whole week deadlocked, switching between reading Heero's books and attempting to do my job when in reality the only thing I wanted to do was wrap Duo up in my arms and hide away from the whole damned world.

But it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair to ask him to hide.

I finally unwrapped myself and picked up my phone, noting the time. Five a.m. Early, even for me. I got up, wrapped myself in a robe, my sweaty body cold now in the chill of my apartment, and started fixing a cup of tea to settle myself. My stomach still churned with the anxiety of the dream and I raked my hands through my hair a few times as the electric pot finally started to boil.

I sipped gratefully at the elixir but I knew even as I calmed down that I was going to do something stupid. How could I seriously be expected to go two weeks without seeing him? I found amusement in the fact that I initially wanted nothing to do with him, and now... It was dumb, it was weak, but when I was with him, I felt whole. Maybe that was wrong of me, maybe that in and of itself was a cause for concern, but it was the truth. And I'd be damned if I'd let anyone other than him dictate our relationship.

It felt good to finally come to that conclusion and I settled back in bed with my phone in hand, hesitating for a moment before dialing his number. I quickly got a message that my call was being transferred and then it was a good ten minutes before the phone started to ring, which I'd anticipated due to the communications delay between Earth and Mars but which also gave me plenty of time to reconsider this course of action.

But my desire to see him was too great. So I stayed on the line and hoped he'd pick up.

When his face finally showed up on the screen I fought back the smile that threatened to overpower my face. The connection wasn't great, the picture flickered in and out and was riddled with static interference, but it was  _him_. And I was happy.

"Oy, Jack, what the hell time is it there? Six in the morning or something? And it's Saturday, ain't it? What the hell ya calling me for? Go back to bed!" he teased with a wink. "Or are you already in bed...?"

Ugh. That voice. That husky, suggestive question made me wish he was in bed with me, whispering like that in my ear.

"Yeah, I am. And it's five," I corrected. "Couldn't sleep." There was a brief time delay between my speaking and when the words reached him so he reacted off beat. "Wanted to see you." But after a moment he was beaming at me.

"Aww, you're lucky, I just got back on the shuttle and we're headed home now." He paused a moment, his eyes changing and his mood sobering a touch. "I want to see you too."

"I will get to see you Saturday, right? You'll be home? I can take you out, this time." I tried not to let my hopefulness be too obvious but after my words transmitted his thoughtful expression became amused and cheerful again.

"You got it bad for me, don'cha?" Duo joked, wagging a finger. I hoped he wouldn't see my blush in the dark with a bad connection. "Unfortunately I'm 'posed to be helping out at the orphanage that morning since my normal routine got all outta whack."

"I'll go with you," I offered quickly, realizing how desperate I probably sounded but having a difficult time making myself care.

"You don't have to do that, I mean, a great date isn't really spent hanging out with a bunch of kids..."

"No!" I replied quickly – as quickly as the lag would allow. "It would be perfect."

"You'd have to meet me pretty early..." he explained reluctantly, turning his eyes from mine.

"I'm sitting here at five in the morning calling you. I don't care."

"You and your single-minded focus." He chuckled and turned his eyes back to me. "I guess. But if you change your mind, it's okay, ya know." I resisted the urge to interrupt him and assure him I wouldn't because with the lag we'd end up talking over each other. "I'll email you the specifics, huh?"

"Sure," I agreed easily, unable to suppress a small smile. I had a date when I would see him again...! That eased me far more than the tea. I wanted to warn him not to tell his friend Mister Winner, but I felt it was inappropriate under the circumstances and I didn't want to worry him so I just kept my mouth shut.

Duo grinned and tapped the screen with one finger. "Go back to sleep now, you! Now that you've seen me, you ought to have nothing but sweet dreams."

I ducked my head a bit, embarrassed by his teasing but hopeful that I would have more pleasant dreams now that I'd gotten a chance to see his face and hear his voice.

"Be safe," I cautioned him and he waved a hand.

"Always," he quipped with a relaxed smile. "Sweet dreams!" he sang and the call was disconnected.

I found myself staring foolishly at the screen for a while before setting my phone down next to the empty teacup, getting up and disrobing, straightening out my sheets, and curling back up in bed. I didn't really curl, normally... but for some unfathomable reason, after speaking to him, I found myself cradling a pillow and, though I wouldn't admit it to anyone – I almost didn't admit it to myself – wishing it were him.


	8. 1.8 The Orphanage

I did have to get up rather early to make the long drive to Sanc and be at Duo's apartment by ten but I felt strangely at ease and I didn't mind the drive. In fact, I had been much more relaxed this week than the last, ever since I made the decision to take Heero's advice and forget about attempting to reverse this situation and focus instead on loving Duo as Jack. At some point last weekend I realized that the only person who had Duo and my best interests at heart was Heero. Maybe I didn't know why he did this, but I had to assume based on his correspondence and my own feelings for Duo that he was sincere in his reasoning and he did mean the best for us.

When I arrived at his apartment he threw open the door and immediately wrapped his arms around me in a friendly embrace. Just that moment made the five-hour drive worth it.

"You came!" He drew back from me until I was arm's width from him and I noted a hint of surprise on his face.

"I said I would," I replied simply, feeling a sense of satisfaction that came with making him happy.

"Well, I'd offer you something, but we gotta go. They're having a big adoption reception today." He offered me a confident smile and patted my arm. "Kinda silly that I'm the one coaching the kids when I was the least adoptable scoundrel around, but hey, whatever makes 'em happy."

"Would you mind driving?" I asked, feeling a little weary and suddenly nervous about being around so many people.

Duo agreed easily as he locked up and we proceeded down the stairs but when he noted my Porsche he laughed out loud.

"I'm not taking  _that_  to the orphanage!" he exclaimed with finality and crossed the parking lot to a freestanding garage.

"Why not?" I asked, unconvinced. I couldn't imagine how it mattered. He opened the garage door and I noted two motorcycles inside, one dismantled for repair and the other a fierce, gleaming hunk of sleek black metal that he rolled into the daylight.

"Look, just trust me on this."

He swung his leg over and sat there easily, an eyebrow arched as an invitation to join him. To my knowledge I'd never been on a motorcycle in my life, but the expectant way he looked at me told me I was probably wrong. Damn Heero and the shit he did before he was me.

I tried to act more confident than I felt as I walked up and calculated how I'd get up behind him, his eyes displaying clear amusement as he watched.

"Never been on a motorcycle, huh?" Duo asked with a grin. "Don't worry, you can snuggle up close and I'll protect ya."

How mortifying. I tried to stop thinking about it so hard and channel Heero as I slipped up behind him. I felt my heart start pounding as I drew close to him, my anxiety and proximity conflicting and overwhelming me.

"Gotta hold on tight, now," he teased, looking back over his shoulder at me, grabbing my hands to wrap them around his waist. Feeling his heat, his muscled abs, it made me think of how he straddled me on his couch, that hungry kiss devouring me, and I couldn't help but want to rip him off the bike and drag him back upstairs. But I knew this was important to him and knowing I was about to enter a place Heero never did calmed my desire. Barely.

I actually found the motorcycle experience came easily to me and I leaned easily into the curves with him as if it were second nature. In no time at all we were pulling up to a rather uninspired, two story building flanked on one side by a grassy area with a well worn playground situated on it. There was bunting on the doors and windows advertising that it was a special event and a few women were carrying in oversized covered platters with what I could only assume were sandwiches and other buffet items.

Sadly, I _was_  glad we didn't drive up in the Porsche. Although the place was clearly well cared for, it was worn out, and I would've felt a bit of guilty for brandishing obvious money about.

Duo quickly ran up to the women, opening the doors for them and taking a platter. I followed behind, accepting a platter as well, and getting the impression from their conversation that they were volunteers bringing food to the event from a nearby church ministry. I felt very out of my element then but followed obediently to a large room set up with a long table where we placed the food and Duo thanked the women before he lead me deeper into the building.

"Mister Duo?" a tiny voice called from behind us as we approached a stairwell.

I followed his lead and turned to face a tiny little girl not much taller than my knees, her blonde ringlets done up in pigtails and a cute pink gingham frock adorning her. I noted the genuine smile on Duo's face as he crouched down to meet her pretty blue eyes.

"Hey Lizzy," he greeted gently, holding out a hand in which she gingerly placed one of her own. He folded his big fingers around her hand and squeezed it for a moment. "Why aren't you with the other kids?"

She looked a bit guilty as she tucked her chin and twisted a foot nervously. "I just went to find Missus JoJo but Missus JoJo isn't in the kitchen and I couldn't find her and then and then I didn't want to go back cause I got scared."

Duo chuckled warmly, placing his other hand on her shoulder. "Why should you be scared? They're gonna have a big party and you're invited!"

"But what if no one picks me?" Her tiny, frightened voice tugged at even my taunt heartstrings. I remembered what Duo said at the apartment, about being the least adoptable kid around, and I knew instantaneously why he did this. How many times had he been rejected? How many times was he forced to feel the fear this little girl did?

"Hey, it's okay. You know what? I didn't get picked for a long time," Duo told her sincerely.

"Really?" she asked, captivated by him.

"Oh yeah, so I got to go to all the parties and eat all the good food!" They both giggled. "But you know what? I grew up and someone  _did_  pick me." He glanced back at me and my throat constricted, overcome with emotion at the implication and the meaningful look in his eyes. I found myself walking up to him and putting a hand on his shoulder. "This is my friend, Jack," he explained.

"You never had a friend before," Lizzy pointed out.

"I had to find  _him_ ," Duo told her with a knowing smile and she smiled back, her whole demeanor relaxing, so different from when she first approached. "Now, come on! We gotta go back and get ready, huh?" He scooped her up into his arms then, throwing her in the air and eliciting a fit of laughter from her.

Duo threw her over his shoulder, tickling her, and we climbed the stairs to the second floor, which appeared to be a dormitory. Children were running in and out between the rooms in various stages of dressing while two women – I could tell by the two distinct older voices attempting to corral them in line – tried to make them presentable. Duo was explaining to Lizzy that he'd have to help as he set her down and once the children caught sight of him we were bombarded by tiny hands and voices all vying for Duo's attention.

"I was on Mars," he was explaining as he shook hands with and picked up different children, greeting them one by one. "This is Jack." A pause to listen to another question. "He's my friend." How he deciphered amongst all the excited shouts I was unsure. "Oh you have to listen to Miss JoJo, now."

I noticed the women then, standing in opposing doorways, smiling at Duo's presence amongst the thirty or so children. "Thank you, Duo," the elder of the two said as she walked forward and took a girl from Duo's arms, smoothing her wild hair with a patient hand.

"No problem, Jo. Sorry to cause such a ruckus."

She laughed, warm and friendly, similar to the way Duo laughed. "Oh, this place was a ruckus before  _you_  got here, don't flatter yourself."

"I can help ya get some of these little monsters dressed," he offered and she nodded before throwing her speculative gaze at me.

"Who's your friend?" she asked and I couldn't even believe the blush that spread across Duo's face. This woman must really be important to him.

"Ah, that's Jack," Duo explained, picking up a little boy who was begging for his affection and propping him on a hip. "He's an old war buddy. Hope it's okay that I brought him..."

"Of course," she reassured him easily. "As long as you plan to tell me what makes him so special...?"

I shifted uncomfortably and they seemed to realize I was, in fact, still standing there. Duo flashed me an apologetic smile and introduced us before carrying the boy, and two others wrapped around his legs, into one of the rooms. I attempted to follow him but got stopped by a tugging at my pant leg.

"Mister Duo likes you a lot, huh?" Lizzy asked and I blinked, confused. I'd never been near a child before. Briefly I wondered what I was thinking when I insisted I come here. This is where jealousy over yourself gets you.

"Yeah, you could say that," I agreed at last, proud of myself for a successful response.

"Well, then you're my friend too!" she pronounced and hugged my leg.

A smile tweaked the corner of my lips and I reached a tentative hand down and stroked her soft, wispy hair. I felt sure someone would have to adopt a girl with such a sweet disposition as her.

"I would like that," I told her and she beamed up at me. Then I looked up and noted Duo wearing a similar expression, leaning against the doorframe, watching us. But just as I noticed him he managed to find a child to scoop up and attack with tickles.

Once the children were tired out and dressed it was about time to go down to the meet and greet. I wasn't precisely sure how these things worked but Duo sidled up to me and our shoulders brushed as the children began filing out at Jo's instruction.

"You're doing great!" he encouraged me softly, grabbing my hand and squeezing it for a moment. "You don't have to talk to anyone, you know, just stand off to the side or whatever, but I like to be available to the kids in case they start getting upset. This part can be kinda hard. People are always looking for perfect but no kid is perfect..."

I knew instantly that this wasn't about the kids as much as it was about him and found myself whispering, "you're perfect to me."

He smiled up at me gratefully. "I'm glad you came."

I reached for his hand then and returned the quick, supportive grasp. "Me too."

We wandered into the crowded banquet room and I observed the event with casual interest, but mostly my attention was focused on the braided man floating easily through the room. Duo was great at calming the children and introducing them to potential parents, pointing out their strengths and helping them shine.

I found myself snacking on sandwiches and glancing out the window when I saw it – the Nexxus International Group personnel vehicle. The vehicle didn't stand out, no Nexxus vehicle did. But I was gifted with exceptional powers of observation and I noted the make and model and the parking garage badge hanging from the rear view mirror.

Quickly I scanned the room but didn't note anyone I recognized. Why would they be here? They weren't following me, were they? I mean, that would be ridiculous, to drive all the way to Sanc and Duo's apartment just to see what one AI researcher did in their free time.

I guess that wasn't fair. In fact it was egotistical and paranoid. Surely it was just an employee looking to adopt one of these children who was breaking policy and driving a company car for leisure.

I pushed the thought from my mind and turned back around to see Duo walking towards me with a nice looking couple, Lizzy tucked comfortably into his arms.

"Hey, Jack, these guys work with you!" Duo announced as he reached me and I felt relief wash over me.

See? Paranoid. We introduced each other and I found out that her name was Kimi and she left HQ after she got married to work with her husband Daniel who lived here in Sanc and was in outside sales. So I wasn't surprised they afforded him a company car. We chatted briefly about work and Lizzy and I wished them luck in their quest and Duo was ferrying them away again.

After a few hours the event wound down and Duo was busy buoying their spirits, singing songs and carrying them upstairs for naps. Lizzy insisted I carry her and although I was naturally reluctant I sucked it up and lifted her up against my chest. Her tiny arms wrapped around my neck and she laid her face there against my throat, sighing contently. I found it thoroughly strange that she would have any affection for me – I certainly wasn't warm and outgoing like Duo or Jo. Plus I felt a strange, subconscious anxiety around children that I suspected had something to do with Heero as my past in no way implied any difficulty with them. But that didn't seem to matter to her. She just yawned and snuggled closer.

"Make a friend?" Duo asked me, clearly delighted with me as he carried his own two children upstairs. I just nodded, my heart swelling with pride at his pleasure. Duo showed me to her bed and I laid her down carefully, tucking her in.

"Will you come back?" she asked quietly as her hands sought out a well-loved teddy bear.

"I'd like to," I answered honestly. She smiled then and looked like she was going to say something else but she was asleep before she got a chance.

I walked quietly from the room and found Duo waiting for me in the hallway.

"Didja mean it?" he asked quietly as we headed back down the stairs.

"Yeah," I replied, surprising us both. "I did."

We helped them clean up and Duo said he'd treat me to dinner for being so helpful so we were back on the motorcycle. But this time I wrapped my arms around him willingly and leaned in against his back, burying my nose in the nape of his neck and breathing in the heady scent of him.

He took me to a park square surrounded on all sides by little boutique businesses and quick eateries. There were a few families letting their kids run in the grassy area one last time before the dying light forced them to pack up and leave. Luckily there didn't appear to be much other foot traffic aside from a few young couples who were visiting an ice cream parlor. I guessed there were more interesting attractions on a summer night than this small park.

"I know this isn't your typical fare," he said apologetically as we got off the bike, "but I'm kinda in the mood for some comfort food."

"It's fine," I assured him, knowing how taxing today must've been for him.

Duo lead me to a walk-up Chinese restaurant and we ordered kung pao chicken and twice cooked pork, only forced to wait minutes for it's completion before being handed two hot paper containers and chopsticks. We sat at a little wire table bordering the park, watching the kids escape their parents' directives to head back to the car.

"Back when I was a kid on L2," Duo started slowly, staring at his food with what I can only describe as appreciation, "there was a little Chinese restaurant owned by an old couple from L5. What they were doing there, I'll never know, but the woman had no kids of her own. Maybe. I don't know. Sometimes I think maybe she lost a kid and they left L5 to get away from it." He shrugged and took a bite. "Anyway, at the end of the day, if we were around, she would always give us street kids anything she had left over. I know her husband wasn't too keen, he was always worried we'd start hanging around, ya know? Begging." He grimaced, as if the very idea disgusted him. "But we didn't. We respected her. And damn if those weren't some of the best meals I ever had." Then he smiled in a far-off way, remembering pleasantly something that sounded horrifying to me.

"Feels strange to have to tell you all this again," he admitted and I frowned.

"Heero knew all this and still wouldn't go to the orphanage with you?" I asked carefully, not really wanting to talk about him, but unable to believe a man who confessed to loving Duo so much he'd destroy himself would be so cruel.

Duo seemed like he wanted to evade the question but then met my eyes straight. "Yeah, Heero knew I was an orphan. But see, Heero was an orphan too. But he didn't have anyone like Jo or Sister Helen. His guardian was cruel. Even before I found a place, when I was stealing food on the street, it was still better... Heero was taught to kill." My teeth clenched and a peculiar fear took hold of me. "I always thought maybe it was too much for him, to know some kids got lucky when he had such a shit experience... Not that waiting around for someone to love you is great, don't get me wrong, but jeez, it's pretty incomparable to being trained as an assassin at age five."

I felt a pang of sympathy for my creator. It was no wonder Heero gave me such a boring, non-descript past. He had no concept of normal. It was the best he could do for me.

"That's why you said there was nothing better in Heero's life," I realized softly and he nodded.

"Not sure if it gets better or worse from there," he admitted with a tense chuckle. We lapsed into silence then, having enough depressing thoughts to occupy ourselves without having to share.

It was dark by the time we made it to Duo's apartment. I watched him in the pale streetlight secure his bike while leaning against my car. The drive back wasn't one I was looking forward to. Unfortunately Duo must've guessed my thoughts because he walked up to me and put his hands on my hips, a mischievous glint in his eyes.

"You can stay, ya know... if you want," he offered. I didn't move, terrified I'd do something stupid even if my intentions were good. At length, he added, "I'm going back to Mars Monday morning..."

"I know I'm just an old lover to you," I started, the words difficult to say, "but you're something new to me and I'm just –"

Duo shushed me, his eyes mimicking the pain I was feeling. "It's a lot to sort out," he agreed although I could tell he was disappointed.

"Hey," I brushed his bangs out of his eyes, meeting them honestly. "I'm glad you found me."

I heard his breath catch in the quiet and I leaned in and pressed my lips against his. I felt I could feel his emotions so much more acutely like this, the little tremor shooting through his body, the tremble in his lips. And when our lips fell apart I wrapped him in a warm embrace. He buried his nose into my neck and sighed, so similar to how that little girl had...

"It was a good day," he murmured and I kissed his forehead.

"Yeah," I agreed. It might have been sad in so many ways, but I was with him, and I was quickly learning that that was all it took.


	9. 1.9 The Old Friend

I spent several days regretting my decision to drive home that night. In the emotional upheaval of that moment it seemed the right thing to do, but after the fact, when he was on a shuttle to Mars and all I could think about was how close I was to having sex with him... Well, I've lived the life of a lonely man for a while. Turning down a willing participant seemed less than prudent in retrospect.

We sent a few emails back and forth while he was in space and he decided to come to Geneva the Saturday of his return so I could show him around my city. I spent some time trying to find a romantic restaurant and settled on an upscale fusion place on the top of the tallest building in Geneva after a unanimous recommendation from my team. That was an unfortunate incident, as I was overheard asking Jill privately for her advice, which garnered much ribbing and harassment every time I passed a co-worker on my wing. We're all techies and not exactly the most successful at interpersonal relationships so I knew their teasing was good-natured and that they were genuinely excited for me, but I still felt an awkward sense of embarrassed pride at the attention.

The teasing culminated that Friday, though, and I locked myself in my office to avoid it. Not so much because it bothered me, but because my excitement would've been too obvious even to my generally clueless colleagues and I was afraid of saying something incriminating.

So when my office door opened I answered it with a glare and a scowl, only to see a secretary and a young Chinese man with a visitor's badge on. My expression quickly changed to surprise as the woman hastily explained he was Chang Wufei from Preventer HQ and was there to ask me some questions.

As most people did, I knew a little about the covert agency charged with keeping tabs on all suspicious activity since the war. But I felt this was more than likely a personal call as Duo not only mentioned that we had worked for Preventer at one time, but I recognized this man as being part of "the gang" in Duo's picture that Heero had left for me in the lock box.

"Jack Kaufmann," Chang Wufei greeted shortly once the secretary was gone. "Or should I say, Heero Yuy?"

I stiffened as if it were an accusation. "Jack," I stated, letting him know in that one word how I felt about his question.

"I had to see if it was really you." He glanced furtively around the room and then tapped his watch. "Can you leave early? I'd like to go somewhere more... comfortable to talk about some personal matters."

I knew he was calling into question the privacy of my office and for a brief moment I hoped that he was going to be a missing link to my past, someone who could be forthright without damaging our relationship the way inquiries made of Duo would or threatening me the way Mister Winner had. So without any further prompting I agreed and shut down my computer, locking my office on the way out.

"Heading out early, eh? Have fun on your date tonight!" Yun teased me in a singsong voice as we passed in the hall and I shot him an evil look. Chang just lifted a questioning eyebrow at me and said nothing.

Without any discussion I led him a few blocks away from the typical Nexxus haunts and into a café I'd never visited. He seemed to approve and ordered us coffees, insisting he pay. We sat down across from each other and he studied me intently with those hard black eyes but I felt no discomfort from the scrutiny.

"Did Duo tell you about me?" I asked at last, once I felt he was satisfied I was who I appeared to be. That question seemed to make him nervous, though, and he glanced down briefly at his coffee.

"Not exactly," he admitted. "He told me he met someone and I didn't think twice about it. Maxwell's personal affairs are not as much my business as he seems to think. It was Winner who made me suspicious." I had grimaced against my will at the name and of course he noticed it. "Did Winner contact you?"

I felt uncomfortable divulging the threats but I also didn't feel I could lie to this man who likely knew me better than I knew myself and so I settled on a short affirmative.

"I take it he wasn't as pleased to see you as Maxwell had been?"

"You could say that," I agreed, sipping my drink.

"Maxwell is much too forgiving of your transgressions," he conceded a bit bitterly. "But Winner... I suppose you're the only one who really knows the source of his anger."

"Do I?" I asked, likely sounding as confused as I felt. Chang gave me a curious look.

"Don't you? You and he were very close before your disappearance. I thought that he was the source of all Maxwell's jealousy," the other man admitted, seeming surprised that he was wrong.

Damn the things I didn't know! The way Winner had treated me... it seemed impossible to believe that we were ever very close. And Duo never mentioned anything regarding my relationship with the multi-billionaire, so I had nothing to go on.

"I don't know anything," I finally offered honestly, hoping I would get more information with honesty than a charade. "I have no memory of my life as Heero Yuy."

I will say to his credit, Chang didn't seem the type of man who was easily flustered. But that sentence made him stop cold and his eyebrows rose significantly until his eyes narrowed on me suspiciously.

"What do you mean, no memory?"

I sighed and shifted. "I mean the only true memories I have are of the past three years. Everything prior to that has been falsified. For all intents and purposes, I am only Jack Kaufmann. I never was Heero Yuy."

He considered that for a moment and I expected him to ask me to elaborate. Instead, he surprised me. "So you don't know where Barton is, either?"

My brows furrowed, not recognizing the name. "Barton...?"

Chang clicked his tongue and shook his head slightly in disappointment. "He disappeared shortly after you did, stating irreconcilable differences between himself and Winner. I always wondered if he went after you. I didn't know Barton well, but I always felt he seemed angry with Winner over your disappearance. I'm typically not one to pry into other people's personal lives, but after three and a half years my curiosity has naturally peaked."

"Unfortunately, I'm afraid you know more than me," I said with some resignation to the fact that Chang might not be able to illuminate much more of my situation than Duo could. The only person who really seemed to have a clue was Mister Winner and I obviously couldn't ask him without unknown retribution.

"I counted you as a rare personal friend," he admitted quietly. "When you left, it was not only a blow to Preventer, it was a blow to me."

I didn't know how to respond to what I assumed was an extraordinary admission on his part and I found myself staring down at my cup uncomfortably. I wasn't his friend. I was only Jack.

"And Maxwell was devastated," he continued and I caught the hint of warning in his voice, vaguely hoping I wouldn't end up with the same dressing down I'd gotten from Winner. But then I remembered something Duo had said weeks ago.

"How did he quit?" I asked carefully, suspecting the story wasn't pleasant. Chang seemed hesitant to relay it and I continued, "He said you would give me the details sometime."

"Well, Maxwell is prone to theatrics..." A small smile teased his face as he remembered the incident. "I can only laugh about it now after so many years have passed," he cautioned me with a threatening look that I assumed was theatrical itself as the smile replaced it quickly. "After a particularly difficult assignment in which he took two bullets to the shoulder he levied a very public and  _very_  scathing character assassination of his new partner in the cafeteria. He went on to state that Preventer was a completely useless organization without you, called into question Commander Une's sanity, flipped over seven tables and destroyed several chairs, maimed four security guards that had come to escort him from the premises – all with a seriously wounded shoulder – and then broke down into tears. At this point no one except my wife was brave enough to face him and she managed to get him back to her apartment where she spent the next 48 hours with him on suicide watch. To say he quit is... generous. He was fired."

I felt shell-shocked. Regardless of whether Heero did the right thing by leaving, it seemed cruel to put a man you loved through that kind of pain.

"I told you," Chang said, not unkindly, "he was  _devastated_."

And then, at that confession, I realized I wanted to see him.

No. I  _needed_  to see him.

I needed to wrap him up in my arms and hold him, kiss him, let him know I'd never leave him. Heero had left me here because he couldn't bare the thought of Duo being alone any more. I knew this for a fact because  _I_  couldn't bare the thought of Duo being alone any more. The idea made my heart feel as though it were physically breaking.

"Are you okay?" Chang asked me and I suppose my inner pain had leaked out through my face. "I didn't mean to upset you, I just thought you more than anyone would know how many times he'd been left by those he loved."

"I  _should_  know," I spat angrily, though I wasn't angry with him as much as I was myself. I existed for Duo and I had been selfishly focused on myself this whole time.

He gave me a moment to gather my thoughts and I pushed my feelings off my face. When I looked back up at him he had an open expression.

"I don't know what's going on in your life and I'm not sure how you'd feel about it, but Preventer HQ is just over the border in France and we live only an hour and a half away in Lyon. I'm sure I can speak for Sally when I say we would very much enjoy meeting you for dinner one weekend." I thought for a moment he seemed nervous as he twisted his coffee in his hand. "Though I understand if you would rather not reprise our former relationship..."

I couldn't help but give him a tentative smile. "I'm not sure what kind of friendship I could offer you in my current state, but I would like that very much."

He returned my smile. "I'm glad I came then."

"Me too," I replied truthfully. He must've felt my tension and my need to get out of there because he stood then and he reached out his hand, which I accepted and shook gratefully.

We walked back to Nexxus HQ with promises to keep in touch and once I slipped into the driver's seat I started the long haul to Sanc.


	10. 1.10 The Interloper

I had picked up fast food on the way in and ate it in my car as I waited for him to get home. At a certain point I felt pretty foolish and thought about leaving before he even got there. What if he didn't want to deal with me after nearly two weeks in space? We had an agreed upon plan, reservations in Geneva for tomorrow night, and here I was, messing all that up because of one story from a former friend I couldn't even remember. But where Winner was menacing, Chang had been sincere. I immediately felt I could trust him. And I had to trust the feelings Heero left me with because if I didn't...

The implications were too vast to consider.

It was almost nine thirty by the time I saw the taxi pull up, having spotted it down the street from where I was parked. With much trepidation and fear I got out of my car and leaned against it, the way I had the last time I'd seen him. I immediately noted the confused look on his face and tried not to let my heart sink too far. I would be confused too, in his position, but still happy to see him.

"Jack?" he asked on his approach, seeming worried. "Is something wrong? I wasn't expect –"

But before he could finish, before he could say he was angry with me, I helped close the distance between us, wrapping him up in my arms and drawing him into a long, fervent kiss.

"Shit," he breathed out slowly as our lips parted but I refused to loosen my grip on him. "What happened? Why are you here?"

I buried face in his neck, feeling overrun by emotions in a way that was uncommon for me, and I begged myself not to do something humiliating like start crying.

"I'm never going to leave you," I whispered hoarsely into his shoulder and I felt his grip on me tighten. "I'm never going to leave you," I repeated. "I'll quit my job, I'll move here, I'll do anything just to be with you, I –"

His lips were on mine then, crushing me, overpowering me, making me light headed with the force of his passion.

And then we were tumbling into his apartment, lips locked, fighting to breathe, fighting to stay standing.

And then we were leaving a trail of clothes from the door to his bedroom, each piece falling to the floor, each piece of new skin exposed forcing our lips away from each other to trail across it, memorize it.

And then we were on his bed, and he was straddling me, cradling my head, kissing me until my lips were tender, my hands clutching his thighs, running to his waist, unbuttoning his pants, unzipping his pants, forcing him to stop and groan as I slipped my hand inside them, past his boxers, my fingers brushing against his stiff, needy cock.

"Not fair," he muttered, ripping at my pants, ripping at my belt, ripping it from my belt loops and yanking down my pants.

He got off me for just a moment and had us out of our pants in record time before throwing himself back on top of me, our lips meeting at the same time our dicks did. I found myself moaning helplessly into his mouth as my hips bucked up against him, begging for that delicious fiction and his wonderful heat.

I felt his hand trailing down the soft hair of my abdomen, down my thigh, down to where it cupped my balls, brushing that secret, sensitive place beneath them and my head snapped to the side as I muttered a curse, unable to believe his touch could feel that good. And his lips were on my neck then, nipping it, biting it, trailing down to my shoulders, down to my nipples, which he tweaked with his teeth and his tongue.

I dug my fingers into his hair as he trailed kisses down my body until he enveloped me in his warm, wet mouth. I was without words, without thought, without strength as he slipped up and down, teasing my foreskin with his tongue, passing it over my head, ever so gently flicking that slit on the top so that I jerked helplessly, slamming my eyes shut and feeling a guttural growl rip from my lips.

And then he was digging in the nightstand, looking for lube, covering his fingers in it. And he was kissing me again, his fingers slipping back down between us, fingering me, making me bite down on his lips, abusing them, making me dig my fingers into his thighs, sure my fingernails would leave impressions in his skin.

"Fuck me," I groaned impatiently as his fingers left me, wanting more. No,  _needing_  more. I needed to make this concrete. I needed to know he still wanted me – or that he wanted Jack. In this state I felt confused, I didn't want to think, I just wanted – I fucking  _wanted_  him.

"That's the plan," he chuckled, dumping a liberal amount of lube on my hand and pressing it to his dick. I felt his hips twitch as I coated him in it, tugging on him lovingly until his hand clamped down on my wrist, forcing me to stop.

And then he was positioning me under him, his dick pressing against me, entering me slowly, his fingers clamped on my hips, his head bowed, concentrating on the feeling of me, of  _us_. It made my heart pound in my chest and my fingers twisted in his sheets as I tried to remain still.

"Fuck." His voice rose from deep in his throat as he finally buried himself completely in me, pausing a moment, and I could feel him throbbing inside of me, and I could feel him tremble at it, his whole body quaking with sensation.

He tilted his head up and looked at me then, his eyes full of lust, and I returned the gaze with my own affectionate one. And then he leaned forward, supporting himself on one hand as the other wrapped around me, and he started to move.

And then I was gasping, writhing under him, every one of his careful movements washing waves of pleasure over me, my knees tightening around his torso, pulling him closer, forcing him closer to me every time he dared draw out an inch. I wrapped his braid around my hand, lifting myself up while I dragged him down to kiss his lips ardently, wanting to know this wasn't just sex, needing to feel his affection, his – No. I wasn't Heero. It was okay if this wasn't love. As long as I had a chance.

As long as he'd give me a chance.

His steady, calculated rhythm drove me mad. I didn't understand how he could be so precise, so exact. I never felt so powerless to someone else before and that feeling of letting go, giving up, handing the responsibility of my pleasure over to him was liberating. I knew in that moment that I could trust him, absolutely.

And then, it was too much. I felt myself convulse with the power of my ejaculation, my whole torso twitching up to meet him, my hands reaching out desperately to grip his waist, feel him, feel his strong body as it jerked forward, feel it shudder as he released himself inside of me.

"Fuck," he repeated breathlessly as he slipped out, collapsing upon me and pressing gentle kisses on my lips and my jaw and my cheeks. I ran my fingers up his sides, causing him to shiver and then laugh at his involuntary reaction to my touch.

We lay there a long time, tracing each other's bodies with delicate fingers. I found the bullet wounds Chang referenced and I felt a touch of sadness as I circled them specifically, wondering if they'd be there at all had Heero stayed to protect him.

As I felt the scars that crisscrossed his body, I wondered if Heero knew all their stories. I wondered if I would ever know Duo as well as he did, as intimately. I wondered if Duo knew the stories behind mine, if he knew parts of me better than I even knew myself. It was disconcerting, but also in a strange way comforting. Nice to know there was someone who fit me, who understood me, who could accept me and the gaping hole in my memory that swallowed most of my life.

"So what happened to Geneva?" Duo asked after a long while, his fingers idly closing and opening, stroking my chest lightly from his position wrapped up tight in my arms, his body pressed firmly against mine. "Not that I'm complaining," he added as I gathered my thoughts. "I just thought you wanted to wait."

"Chang came to visit me," I started cautiously, debating on what I'd tell him.

"Wufei?" he asked, clearly surprised. "I didn't tell him about you, you know. I mean I said I met someone at the conference but that's it."

"He works for Preventer – I'm sure he can find out anything he wants," I explained, a half-truth, if not an outright lie. But I didn't want to bring up Winner and upset him. "Anyway I'm not mad. He wants to go to dinner sometime. Maybe you could come?"

"Aw that'd be great!" he agreed easily and I was immediately relieved. "I haven't seen 'Fei or Sally in months."

I kissed the top of his head. "So it's settled, then."

"But that doesn't explain why you came all the way out here," Duo chided gently and I cursed his inability to be distracted.

I breathed out a sigh and squeezed him tightly for a moment. "He just said some things that made me realize..." I hesitated, hoping he didn't take what I was about to say the wrong way. "Heero left me here for you. And I've been selfishly caught up in why and what it meant for me – but I realized none of that matters. I should be here, next to you, loving you."

He tilted his head back to look up at me, a primal fear written all over his face. "But if you don't want me –"

"I  _need_  you," I told him honestly, meeting his eyes with unwavering resolve. "I never want to leave you." I rolled up to claim his lips, trying to impress upon him how deeply I felt. He relaxed again as we parted and snuggled against me, elation filling me, glad we'd had this conversation, glad I was able explain a small piece of the puzzle I'd been working with for weeks now.

"I'm glad I found you," he murmured sleepily.

"Me too," I whispered back as I drifted into sleep.

* * *

I awoke with a pounding headache and I rubbed my eyes carefully, trying to remember what happened last night. I realized I was in an unfamiliar room and I glanced around slowly, my memory coming back in a pleasant wash. But then, where was Duo? I couldn't help but feel disappointed at his absence, wanting to wake up to his bright eyes and kisses.

I sat up with a groan, slowly seeking out my boxer briefs, feeling suddenly self-conscious. I slipped them on and padded carefully to the living room where I found the object of my affection.

He was curled up on the couch in an oversized robe with an electric cigarette, cradling a picture in his lap, his fingers brushing over it slowly. My clothes were folded on the coffee table. I felt confused, like something was wrong, but I couldn't remember anything and the pain in my head made it difficult to try.

He blew out smoke vapor and without even looking at me he said coldly, "you should leave."

"Duo?" I asked, unable to keep the confusion from my voice. "What happened?"

"I can't do this," he said flatly, his eyes affixed to the frame though his fingers stopped momentarily.

I took a tentative step towards him. "I thought –"

"Don't!" he warned me, turning his pained and angry eyes towards me. I felt my heart clench with that tortured expression. "I don't know who the fuck you are, but you need to _leave_."

"What do you mean? I thought..." the desperate tone my voice took would've embarrassed me under normal circumstances but the only thing occupying my mind was how to keep him with me. "I thought we had something."

"No," he said mournfully, looking back to the picture fondly. I had to assume it was a picture of us. New Years Day? Best life  _ever_? I guess I paled in comparison. "Some people just aren't able to change their forevers."

I stared at him, not sure what he meant, but knowing beyond a doubt that I was going to lose him if I didn't act carefully.

"Before you left, you said we'd always find each other. I didn't know what you meant, you weren't typically that romantic. I knew something was bothering you, I should've... fuck. There's so much I should've done."

I noted the way he was acting as if Heero and I were one in the same, something he hadn't done since our first date.

"Talk to me," I begged him quietly, feeling uncomfortably helpless.

"Who are you?" he asked, a sharp note of aggravation piercing through as he turned harsh eyes back to me. "Heero? Or Jack? Because I thought I fucked Jack but then, in the middle of the night, Heero was staring down at me."

"My head..." I realized, unsure exactly what he meant but feeling like I was going to collapse.

"No, I knocked you out. I couldn't take it," he admitted, dragging in deep on the cigarette, his eyes falling to the floor. "I thought I could be okay with Jack. You're like him, but sweet, like he had no inhibitions, none of the bullshit of his training or the war or whatever the fuck. But when he was looking down at me through your eyes again..." Duo turned away once more, wrapping his arms around himself. "I can't do it. I can't do this." He rested his head on his knees, the picture tucked up in his curled body, and I heard a small sob choke through. "I just want  _him_  back."

Frustration and hurt rocked through my body then. I felt myself start to shake. He was the only reason I even existed and he was  _rejecting_  me? What was I supposed to do now? Go back to work, continue on with my life, find someone  _else_? How was I going to be able to do that with Heero buried underneath me, dictating my emotions, hopelessly pining after Duo?

Did he even  _begin_  to understand what he was asking of me?

Did Heero even  _think_  of what this would do to us?

Wouldn't it have been easier had he just  _died_?

And then I remembered the email I'd received after meeting Duo. And I wondered, was this the same thing? Had I actually sent myself that email that night – but not me, Heero? Was he somehow able to claw his way out when he wanted and... and  _use_  me?

"What did he say?" I asked gently, grabbing my pants off the table and sliding into them, making sure Duo realized I had every intention of leaving, but needing my questions answered.

"Fuck you," he muttered instead, not moving a muscle from his protective stance.

"What did he say?" I found my tone a bit harsher than I anticipated and he flinched, but didn't answer. I threw on my undershirt and stepped closer, not wanting to confront him like this but surprisingly unable to reign in my mounting anger.

"What did he  _say_?" I practically shouted at him, crossing the space between us easily.

He glanced up at me like a caged panther, and while I noted the tears running down his cheeks I found it difficult to care in the wake of the realization that I might be able to get Heero back. Kill myself and end this misery of an existence. Let Duo have back his fucked up genius solider boy.

"None of your goddamn business!" he shouted back and I grabbed him then, without thinking, and dragged him up off the couch.

"It's  _my_  body, it's  _my_  life!"

Maybe. Maybe that was true, I don't know, but that was how I felt at that moment. All I knew was that I was being played and I was fucking sick of it.

I didn't even see the punch coming until his fist collided with my face and I felt my head whip to the side, the sharp sting of it jarring me, causing me immeasurable amounts of pain considering my previously sustained damages which left my head aching.

"He fucking told me loved me, okay?" Duo was yelling at me from up against the wall. I wasn't sure how he escaped my grasp but then I wasn't sure how he managed to hit me either. I staggered, trying to maintain a standing position and listen to what he was saying. "He told me he was sorry, he told me not to worry, he told me that you would always be there for me because he couldn't be. I begged him not to go. I fucking  _begged_  him to stay with me and he said he wouldn't. He said I had to accept the second rate version of him. Are you fucking happy,  _now_? Are you fucking  _happy_? Even  _he_  knows you're a pathetic imposter!"

The words hurt far worse than I was expecting and I sucked wind, feeling like I'd been punched in the gut. Wishing I had been. Wishing Duo had just kept assaulting me physically, instead of saying the words I hoped I'd never have to hear.

Imposter. I wasn't Heero. I was a fake. A pathetic fake, at that. A second rate version.

And I couldn't help it. I felt hot tears run down my own face as I turned away from him, gathering up the last of my personal items and leaving without another word.


	11. 1.11 The Discovery

It's hard to figure out a direction in your life when your sole purpose rejects you.

I spent that weekend in and out of bars, drinking so that I didn't have to think, out so that I didn't have to be home, surrounded by shit Heero put there for me so that I could maintain a semblance of his life.

I mean seriously, tell me. What the fuck was I supposed to do now?

Dragging myself into work Monday morning was an exercise in masochism but at least my job was something I chose for myself, as far as I knew.

But it wasn't until I got to the office and had curious coworkers hovering around my door that I remembered the date that never happened. Fortunately all they had to do was take one look at me before they realized they'd better not ask. Or maybe that was unfortunate. Even though they didn't ask, I still felt incredibly low every time those eyes changed from excited curiosity to sympathetic sadness and I got the strong urge to just walk out, get in my car, hit the highway, and take a hard right into oncoming traffic.

And even when I shut the door and drew the blinds and locked out the world, I found myself thinking about how my hands slid across his skin in the dark, how he felt tucked into my arms, how he looked at me as I held Lizzy, how he held my hand as we walked to the train station in Zurich...

All these stupid fucking memories. Memories that meant nothing because they went no where, lead to nothing. Nothing but an aching heart.

I never said I loved him. It wasn't because I wasn't sure that I did. I knew that I did. That's the only word that could hold a candle to the emotion I was feeling. But the reason I never said it was because I couldn't be sure if it was Heero making me feel this way, or if I genuinely loved him as Jack, as myself. Now, though it was too late to do anything about it, I knew it didn't matter. My love for him overwhelmed all reason, all logic, all of my emotional capacity.

And he was gone.

I couldn't help but resent how selfish Heero was to leave a piece of himself intact to destroy all the progress I had made in his stead. What made him believe that could possibly have done anything  _but_  backfire? But I knew the truth if I let myself think it. The truth was that he couldn't deny himself. The truth was that as deeply in love with him as I thought I was, Heero was even deeper in, and he couldn't help it. He had to see him. No matter what the ramifications, he  _had_  to.

In lieu of any other options, I began to bury myself in the research Aisha sent me, cross-referencing it with materials from my apartment. Slowly but surely I began to get a picture of what Heero must've done to create this situation for us. But the more I understood, the more I realized I had no idea how he could ever have pulled it off. I came to the conclusion that he must've repressed all of his memories, supplanted new ones over top, and sectioned off some part of his mind from me where his actual self still existed. Despite the fact that I didn't have any of his memories, I had plenty of his emotional sensitivity to the world around me. When I interacted with people or things familiar to him, I felt a backwash of what I now knew were his emotions.

The delicacy of all of this cannot be overstated. In my life as I knew it, I worked primarily with computers. Computers, while still temperamental and fragile in their own right, were nowhere near as complex as the human brain. It was easy enough to yank memory from one slot to replace it with more and rewrite existing code to other easily defined areas in the circuitry. The brain, on the other hand, was unique in every instance. Synapse development was complex and to some degree inexplicable. Memory formation, storage, and allocation even more difficult to correctly quantify. Even in this day and age there were still many things about the brain we didn't understand. Frankly, I could easily be a rather impressive science fair project if someone stepped up to claim me. I think Heero could've won much acclaim and the ability to work anywhere. Even here. I probably would've attempted to recruit him.

This thought amongst all my depressing frustration quite frankly made me curious. And so on Friday afternoon – when I knew that despite the rigid security Nexxus employed, people would be excited for the weekend, overlooking their protocols in order to chat with coworkers or get out of the office a few minutes early – I decided to snoop.

First of all, Nexxus had a lovely open system policy towards its techies at HQ. Frankly, almost anyone on my wing could hack into any of the lower level systems with nothing but pitiful things like file permissions and set user roles securing them. So instead of bogging us down with regulations when we might very well need to access those systems for our legitimate work, they just installed sophisticated monitoring software on all of our machinery. Fine. This usually wasn't a problem because I usually wasn't looking at anything unrelated to work.

Second of all, I knew that we weren't being monitored very closely. Working with the security team assured me of this fact. There were just way too many people working at Nexxus that were far less reputable than us good little highly compensated techies to worry about what we were doing every second of every day. I'm sure they went through our logs at some point... But I was sure that today wasn't going to be the day. And tomorrow probably wouldn't be either. I knew beyond a doubt that Bryan had a bit of a porn thing going on and it'd been that way for months without even a reprimand. So needless to say, I wasn't too concerned.

Look, every company has their blind spots.

Although I felt fairly confident no one was observing me, I still waited for Friday just in case some anal retentive jerk decided they wanted to be thorough. No one ever wanted to be thorough on Friday afternoon. Except for me. And even then, if I had anything, anything at all to look forward to, I could be persuaded into sloth. But as such I had nothing.

So I began to dig in the recruitment files. I knew even I wouldn't have access to HR files – legality and all – but I also knew Nexxus had a separate talent search team that did extensive research on high profile, qualified candidates in order to woo them. I had been recruited myself, after all, and I certainly wasn't as high profile as a Gundam pilot.

Or wait. Was I? I certainly couldn't have been recruited for the AI research I wasn't actually doing in my teenage years the way I'd believed.

How come I hadn't thought of this before?

I eventually came across a folder with what appeared to be large psych profiles of eligible candidates. It was a big folder but I scanned it quickly for my name and, upon coming up empty, I searched for Heero Yuy. And of course there was a hit.

I opened it, feeling strangely perverse to be spying on my former self, and found a hundred page document discussing Heero's potential to the company as well as a complete psychological profile – based on what information, I was unsure – as well as many photographs and a list of his accomplishments during the war. I knew immediately that I couldn't just download this document for my leisurely perusal without drawing suspicion so I took screen captures of the ten page preface materials instead, quickly saving them on my personal device, knowing it would be a bit more difficult for them to prove and a lot less incriminating if I was found out.

Then I had another thought. Why would they only recruit Heero? Were the other Gundam pilots somehow less worthy of Nexxus' attention? It seemed unlikely so I then went in search of Duo and immediately found his own briefing materials. Again, screenshots. And then I looked for Chang, Barton, and Winner working on the assumption that they had to be the other pilots. I saved their information as well, hoping it might give me some clue as to why I was picked and no one else, before logging out and briefly hoping no one would see fit to pull my logs.

Then a knock fell on my door and for one brief, paranoid moment my heart raced, thinking I had already been discovered. But I knew that was impossible so I cleared my throat and announced they could come in.

It was Aisha.

"Hey Jack," she greeted warmly, crossing the room to rest a hip against my desk. I could tell there was concern in her pale blue eyes as she looked down on me. "Is everything okay?"

I wondered how some people could do that to you. Look at you, ask a fairly simple question, and make you feel like baring your whole soul to them.

"Yeah, fine," I replied shortly, attempting not to divulge my whole sorry state of affairs upon her.

"You've just been holed up in here, avoiding everyone, even more than usual," she explained softly in a way that I knew was an attempt at prompting me to talk. "You were so excited last week... did something happen?"

I raked my hands through my hair in aggravation, standing and staring through the window down at the parking lot, just to get away from her prying eyes. I noted all the little people making their way to their cars, stopping to chat about the week or weekend plans. I felt an up swell of jealousy as I had never felt before. They got to be normal. Heero tried to give me – himself – a piece of that normalcy, but he fucked it all up.

"My date didn't go very well," I admitted carefully, trying to keep any trace of emotion from my voice.

"She didn't like the restaurant?" Aisha asked in surprise, a hint of guilt there since she corroborated the glowing reviews.

"We didn't make it to the restaurant," I replied, throat tightening as my mind flashed back unbidden to his bed, his lips, his fingertips.

"Aw, Jack... I'm sorry," she murmured sympathetically and I could feel her eyes on the back of my neck. I just wanted her to leave.

"Its fine," I muttered.

"No, its not. I can tell she meant a lot to you."

"You have no idea," I said quietly. I heard her get up and walk towards me, placing a kind hand on my shoulder. I couldn't look at her, scared I would break down, say something I shouldn't, or – god forbid – cry.

"You know, you can come over for dinner tomorrow night if you'd like. I'm sure Bruce would love to show off his new sound system," she chuckled.

"Thank you," I forced out, "but I really just want to be alone."

She sighed and squeezed my shoulder. "Well, you have my personal number. Please call me if you change your mind. It doesn't matter if it's last minute, either. You're always welcome at my house."

I finally turned to meet her eyes and I attempted an appreciative smile. I don't think I succeeded. I wasn't sure though – I couldn't see her expression through the water glassing my eyes.

She hugged me briefly, a bold action I never would've permitted in any other circumstance, before she left me there. Alone again.

With great effort I pushed away all thoughts of him and grabbed my tablet and cell phone to head out. I stopped and picked up some whiskey after finishing everything in my apartment over the course of the week. Maybe I should've just purchased some Valium. But there was something strangely satisfying about the self-destructive nature of liquor that fed my internal loathing.

I made myself a sandwich and ate it standing at the counter and drowned it with a quick shot before pouring myself a generous glass of whiskey and settling in on the couch.

I opened up the screen shots I'd previously saved, starting with the one on Heero.

Even though it was only an overview it contained many details about him as well as a strong recommendation for recruitment. It stated that he had a flexible sense of morality and was suspected of schizoid personality disorder. That his hacking and piloting skills were unparalleled. That physical genetic modification was highly likely. That his experience using the ZERO system was invaluable due to his to mastery of it. That the biggest obstacle to his recruitment was his refusal to leave his partner, Duo Maxwell. In fact, he wouldn't do anything to compromise their relationship, including take a job Maxwell disagreed with. It was suggested to proceed with caution regarding Maxwell because he would not hesitate to defend his partner from any perceived threat and he was quite dangerous.

So what changed, I wondered. I was here – the file even confirmed it. 'Recruitment successful,' it stated in black and white. Did Heero really want the job so badly he created me for it? While taking a job against Duo's wishes may have hurt him, it hardly seemed worthy of all this effort, all this pain. There had to be something more...

I pulled up Duo's file and read the words 'ineligible for recruitment' written across the top of the file.

Heero's summary, although dry and clinical, was glowing in comparison to Duo's. It outlined several tragedies in his life, including a virus which wiped out not only his family, leaving him an orphan, but also the gang he found comfort in a few years later when the mutated strain devastated the colony a second time. It also mentioned a horrific fire in which he was the only survivor, his church orphanage destroyed. It labeled him reckless, impulsive, unpredictable, and extremely dangerous, stating he was suspected to suffer from borderline personality disorder. It warned to act with extreme caution and not evoke his wrath in relation to Yuy or the results could be lethal. The document also stated that he refused to use the ZERO system after his initial experience and was against Yuy's participation in any further testing. It hinted that his elimination would be the easiest way to recruit Yuy – although thankfully they didn't take that route, as Duo was still alive. Then again, it didn't sound like "elimination" would really be that easy with the amount of warnings in both files suggesting they could easily incapacitated any recruiter bold enough to try.

But that didn't really answer any questions. It certainly made Nexxus look suspicious, but from everything Heero left me it seemed that his repression was a personal choice made out of desperation and fear. And even Winner said it –  _he_  was the issue,  _he_  was dangerous, not Nexxus. Nexxus just indirectly benefited from his self-destruction.

I glanced through the other three files. Although there were files on Barton and Chang, there didn't appear to be much more than half hearted recruitment attempts and their files were pegged as 'pending further review.' It gave me a small insight into their personalities though and I filed the information away for later use.

Winner's file was a surprise. It was labeled 'recruitment pending' although I was certain Winner was never employed by Nexxus nor would have any need to be. He was busy running his own corporation. A corporation that was in league with Nexxus on the L6 installation. Maybe it was an error. These files were clearly old – perhaps the recruitment fell through and the file was never updated. Maybe it was even in reference to his co-sponsorship of the project.

His file went on to describe his family situation and assets, describing him as empathetic to a fault, allowing his feelings for others to affect his actions. It went on to state that he was involved in the construction of the ZERO system and struggled but was ultimately able to successfully utilize it long-term. It was the third file that mentioned the ZERO system. I remembered Duo tapping my forehead the first time we met, warning me not to recreate it.

But what  _was_  it? I had a strong suspicion that more than Yuy or Winner, Nexxus really wanted  _that_. And since Yuy and Winner were the only ones to pilot it, we were the only ones who really mattered. The only ones who needed to be recruited.

Unfortunately the only people who would know I couldn't ask. Maybe I could ask Chang, but I didn't want him, his curiosity, and his Preventer badge poking around and causing issues for me at work before I was able to uncover any additional information. No. It was better to go it alone.

And then, I picked up a pad of paper and a pen and started to write.


	12. 1.12 The Decision

I appeared to act as normal as possible Monday morning, despite my desire to tear apart every file in Nexxus' database looking for more clues as to what the ZERO system was and how I was involved.

Unfortunately, every good intention I had of searching for additional information was completely sidetracked by an email I received from Duo.

Once I managed to get it open – I'm embarrassed to admit how much it terrified me – I was simultaneously relieved and disappointed.

It wasn't a grandiose apology, but I guess after over a week I wasn't really expecting one. It simply stated that he just signed a contract with Nexxus for shipping runs to L6 and that they'd be setting him up in a swanky hotel in downtown Geneva for the next few months. He emphasized that the only reason he was telling me this was so that I wouldn't try to visit him because he didn't want to see me. He was merely concerned I would find out some other way and show up unannounced and humiliate the both of us.

So then I had to spend an hour or two deciding what I was going to do with that information. I quickly sought out the L6 delivery schedules and found where Duo's run would be added. It was an aggressive schedule he was likely very well compensated for. I could also draw the assumption that he would be getting into town Saturday as his first run was scheduled to leave Sunday morning.

But then, as all of his travel arrangements would be made by HR and be therefore beyond my ability to snoop into, I realized I was going to have to do a bit of face to face recon.

At this point, I'm sure that anyone would question my sanity. Why did it matter where he was going to be staying? He didn't want to have anything to do with me, right? That  _is_ what his email said. Wouldn't it add insult to injury to show up now?

Well, as ridiculous as this may sound, he  _did_  email me. Despite what he said in that email, I chose to believe that the fact that he wrote was proof enough that I was on his mind and that he wouldn't turn me away if I showed up. Probably not the wisest or most logical thought I'd ever come up with, but infatuation and desperation and a heavy weekend of drinking will obscure even the most calculating of minds.

So I went in search of people on the tech wing who I'd known made the short trip to L6 to approve whatever systems needed attention at that moment – life support, weather systems, gravity simulation, and so on. Obviously there were tech teams stationed on L6, but often my coworkers tried to make me jealous with the information that they were getting a sneak peak for their consultation skills. I had no interest in another colony so their attempts had always failed.

But now I needed them to tell me where the teams from L6 stayed when they came to Earth.

I went out in search of Yun, knowing he had gone to L6 more than once and was rather close to the security team out there. I eventually found him in the break room, stuffing a box of left over Chinese into his face as quickly as possible.

"In a hurry?" I asked as I started to prepare myself some tea as a cover.

"Ah, yeah," Yun explained around a mouthful of noodles. "All them L6ers are out ta lunch and I've gotta set up their conference room and give a damned presentation when they get back and God only knows when that'll be. Damned work lunches, so unpredictable..." he finished with a mutter.

"There's a team from L6 here right now?" I asked, surprised, not remembering any email about it, though I suppose their visit wasn't related to me or the AI team in any way.

"Yeah, yeah, their all stoked to be back on Earth, ya know? They probably won't even listen to a damn word I say, too busy staring at the trees and the roads and you know, the _everything_  they don't got up there."

I forced myself to chuckle. "Yeah, I'm sure NIG puts them up real nice too, huh?"

He smiled conspiratorially at me, pausing his chopsticks. "I knew ya had a little jealousy in there somewhere, man. That LY hotel surely is the shit. Shocked they can even drag themselves outta them big comfy beds, am I right?"

I nodded, a real smile spreading across my face. Too easy. It was lucky they were ramping up construction and teams were frequenting between Earth and the colony so often now.

"Maybe one day you'll getta go," he offered with a shrug, turning his attention back to his box. "But if I have to be honest, I think they got the better end of the stick gettin' ta come back here."

I threw away my tea bag and agreed with him, wishing him luck with the presentation before making my exit.

One more thing accomplished. I was starting to feel pretty damn impressed with myself so far. Maybe I wasn't Heero Yuy, but Jack Kaufmann wasn't so bad at this intelligence gathering stuff either.

Unfortunately, that was where my luck ran out.

Nexxus International Group was the type of company that had its hooks in everything. Their bread and butter was computerized electronics – everything from refrigerators to car parts. Then they had specialized robotic products for their more advanced client's requirements. And those clients ranged from electronics resellers to governments. The R&D department, of which my AI department was merely a minute part, made up a relatively large part of the company, although clearly it had nothing on sales. So trying to ascertain where I might find any additional information related to Heero, Winner, or the ZERO system was next to impossible.

You might want to believe that I was recruited into the AI department and since they needed me in regards to the ZERO system then any other mention of it should be within my own department's file system. But you would be wrong. I had never come across any mention of anything even remotely related to the ZERO system in any of the R&D databases. And since I didn't actually know what the ZERO system was, other than something involving mobile suits, which there again I only knew about in a very theoretical way, stumbling upon it short of going through every one of the billions of files in the whole network would be pure happenstance.

I did go through the flight data from the war we worked with to develop our AI interfacing theory out of desperation. I did note something that seemed peculiar now though at the time I reviewed this data over two years ago I hadn't considered the fact that actual people were piloting these suits. However, now that I knew that I had and that I was actively recruited to Nexxus for that fact, the data seemed different to me, more personal, more unique.

There were two subjects who, while their data was always significantly better than average, suddenly had their accuracy increase exponentially. I couldn't fathom what that meant exactly. I had to wonder if this ZERO system had something to do with it but having no information other than a set of data points, I was forced to dismiss that as paranoia.

By the end of the week I was tired of the search. I had formulated another plan, a plan that would finally let me escape this weary, unsuccessful existence – if I was lucky. And it really did feel like my whole existence was unsuccessful now that Duo had completely rejected me. I didn't see any way I could get him back at this point, which meant my whole purpose for being was void. I had failed in my only mission. Granted, I hadn't been set up to succeed. In fact, I began to feel like I was sabotaged. Heero could've given me a clue from the beginning, he could've left something in my memory to that made me to seek out Duo, he could've forced himself to butt out and left me to make Duo mine in peace.

But he couldn't. He was too damn selfish. And so, I failed. I tried to convince myself that it was his fault, but it didn't make me feel any better. I wished it had. I wished I could just turn off all of this. I wished I had never set eyes on him. I wished I'd never touched him. I wished...

Except it didn't matter what I wished. The fact was we found each other and I did love him and there was damn well nothing I could do about any of that now. I never could. I was forced into this fate, like a reluctant Achilles, a man with a hidden weakness so great it would prove to destroy me.

So it was I found myself Friday night compiling all the data I had. The note from Heero, the pilot profiles I'd found, the key to the lock box as well as the location of the bank. And then I started to write a lengthy catalog of everything that happened to me from the moment I met Duo. Everything I'd discovered, Mister Winner's threats, all my thoughts on Heero's motives, anything I thought could possibly be useful while leaving out all the things I wanted to remember.

Our first date, the way it felt to hold his hand, the way the sky looked as I kissed him so gently in the middle of the square, tasting of ice cream, his hips pressing against mine, his lips trembling against mine...

Riding behind him on his motorcycle, my nose buried against his neck, breathing in his scent, feeling his warmth against the cool wind whipping past us, feeling his taut muscles with my fingers, just below his thin shirt...

Meeting the children who meant so much to him, so wrapped up in his pride and affection, his eyes beaming at me every time I turned to meet them, basking in his full attention, thinking I had finally proven myself to him...

And of course, the tender, systematic way he made love to me, the way his fingers made my muscles shiver, the way his kisses made my stomach twist, the way he felt inside of me...

Duo would have to remember those things for both of us.


	13. 1.13 The Fall

Saturday morning I went to the bank and got a print out of my account balance and took out ten thousand credits. They were understandably reluctant to give it to me, but I made up some excuse about booking tickets for an impending vacation and asked other convincing questions about how I could access my account from out of town. The girl behind the counter somehow came to the romantic conclusion that I must be booking a honeymoon and became overly curious about my plans.

This is why I don't talk to people. Talking to people can get your feelings hurt.

I told her Tahiti, wishing it were the truth. But even had I booked those tickets weeks ago and run away as Heero suggested, he would've come out sooner or later. Eventually, he we would have ended up just like we were now.

At least, that's what I told myself as I left the bank.

I made sure my bills were set to autopay, my rent paid in advance. I threw away anything perishable in my apartment. I wasn't sure when I'd be coming back. I suppose I should've requested time off officially from work, but it was too late now. I wasn't really in the right frame of mind. Once I made this decision, it was all I could think about. That and Duo. But what else is new?

I arrived at the hotel late, around nine, the information I'd gathered and money I'd taken out wrapped up in a large envelope, tucked safely under my arm. It was late enough that he should've eaten but wouldn't yet be asleep. I doubted he would go out after nine, having such an early departure time tomorrow morning.

Carefully, with the kindest expression I could muster, I walked up to the hotel desk and explained that I forgot my room number. The young man at guest services clearly attempted not to roll his eyes and I explained with as much embarrassment as I was able to portray that it was a big hotel. I gave him Duo's name as my own and he told me 3151. I thanked him profusely as I headed to the elevators, punching the button for the 31st floor.

Part of me couldn't believe that I was doing this, that I was really this bold. This wasn't me. I was a researcher, better suited to my pleasant, private office, paid lots of money for my brains – not my brawn. But I guess the old adage is true, love makes you crazy. And I certainly felt crazy for even attempting to talk to Duo at this point.

Too late now. In too deep.

I knocked on his door. I heard the television and I knew he was there. But he didn't come to the door right away. In fact, it was at least five minutes before I finally heard footsteps. And then, they crossed the room several times, growing closer and then moving further away.

Finally, the door swung open and his eyes were angry, contempt pouring out of them as he stared me down.

"You couldn't leave me alone for  _one_  fucking day?" Duo spat and it felt like my heart was breaking all over again.

I hadn't prepared myself at all for how seeing him again would affect me. How desperately I wanted to hold him, beg him to forgive me, take me back, forget Heero, drug me every night so he couldn't sneak out –

But it steadied my resolve. I knew I was making the right decision. He wouldn't forgive me. He wouldn't take me back. He wouldn't forget Heero.

"Look, this is it," I told him flatly. "I'm not here to beg for you back. As much as I might like that, I know it's impossible."

His expression softened for a minute even as he studied me with hard eyes. Then he shifted, allowing me in, and I didn't ask for clarification, I simply entered. I set the envelope on the little writing desk and my eyes fell on the balcony to avoid the bed. I didn't need to be thinking about  _that_  right now. How he'd look laid against all the white fluff of the sheets and pillows.

"Come out with me?" Duo asked, noting my eyes as he grabbed his e-cig and headed for the sliding glass door.

I slipped out behind him and we leaned over the balcony, side by side, keeping a respectful distance. He stared up at the stars as he drew a long drag on the cigarette. I couldn't help but gaze at him out of the corner of my eye, the way his face was illuminated by the city lights. He looked tired. It made me ache to see him like that. I wished desperately that I had been able to take away his pain, instead of adding to it.

"I'm leaving," I told him. "I don't want to be a burden for you."

He exhaled vapor and didn't say anything, his eyes still trained on the sky.

I sighed and continued. "That envelope I'm leaving you –"

"Don't do that shit," he demanded, turning his head to level his glare at me. "Don't leave me some damned mystery envelope, just like last time. I'm done with that shit."

I shrugged, feeling uncomfortable. "It's not some mystery envelope. You can look at it, I don't care. I..." I hesitated, not wanting to make him feel guilty. "I'm not coming back."

He snorted and his eyes shifted back to the horizon, staring out over all the skyscrapers of Geneva. Similar and yet so different to the way I had planned to introduce him to the city, in a restaurant overlooking the skyline at night, with his affection intact.

"Make a promise you can keep," he retorted.

"For what it's worth, I wish things had turned out differently between us," I continued, undaunted. "You know, as Jack. My love for you is pure, unadulterated. Maybe I was selfish at times and maybe I'm not enough for you but... Heero left me all of his love – for you."

I noticed the slight tremor in his hands and he drew shakily on the cigarette. I didn't want to hurt him, but I had to say it. I'd never have another chance.

"I just need you to know that. That I loved you honestly. That I never meant for any of this. I just want you to be happy. I know that's all Heero wanted when he created me."

"Fuck," he mumbled and his breath hitched. Duo pressed his eyes against the heels of his hands to stop himself from crying.

I stared down at the street below, the little bits of cloth tenting popping across the walkway like bunting, people walking leisurely around beneath them, noting the different buildings, the landscaping around them. There was no road on this side of the building, just a large bricked pedestrian boardwalk. I wondered if we could be down there right now, walking along hand-in-hand, if things had gone differently. Maybe he would've even declined this hotel, coming in from his deliveries to stay at my apartment instead. Coming to my bed, wrapped in my sheets, laying in my arms...

Yeah. Duo nailed it. Fuck.

"I wish I could do it," he told me, his palms digging into his eyes as he rubbed at his face. "I fucking wish I could do it."

"Why?" I asked, turning to face him for the first time, trying not to beg. I told him I wouldn't beg. I told him...

"I don't know." His voice had a hopeless tone to it that made my chest seize. "I... You're just... It's not the same. You feel too much. You care too much. Heero... With him, there was always this distance. It grounded me. I never got like this around him because I knew he could let my shit go. He could let my emotions go..."

Duo turned his head to look at me, his face wet with tears, and I wanted to reach out to him. I wanted to hold him. I wanted to do everything he didn't want me to. Tell him it would be okay. Lay him down on that big bed and kiss him so gently he would change his mind. He would change his mind and love  _me_.

"But you," he started again, grimacing. "You're him but yet you make me feel all this shit ten times more intensely than I ever felt before. I don't know if it's the time we were apart, or the way you look at me, but fuck. I can't do this. I can't feel like this every fucking day. It's killing me inside. It's  _killing_  me."

"I'm so sorry," I replied honestly, looking back at the street below, feeling a sense of abandonment unlike any I had ever felt before. Feeling completely alone. I was causing the one person I lived for to suffer. This couldn't end soon enough.

"No, Jack," he spoke quietly. "I'm sorry."

We stood like that for a long time, each staring off into the distance, buffered by our own individual but not dissimilar thoughts.

"Where are you going to go?" he finally asked and I sighed, not daring to look at him.

"Can't tell you, defeats the purpose," I explained shortly, feeling like my time was up anyway. I told him what I'd intended to, and he let me know beyond a doubt that it was over. I couldn't bear the thought that I was hurting him, so I couldn't bear to be with him.

"But I can't handle knowing you're somewhere out there," he gestured towards the stars, "and I can't reach you."

"It's better this way."

Seriously? What the fuck was he doing to me? He didn't want me, but he didn't want me to leave. It wasn't fair. What was I supposed to do? How could I do right by him, Heero,  _and_ myself? It was impossible. It was – No. It wasn't impossible. I just didn't want to do it this way.

"I didn't want you to fucking disappear," Duo challenged me. I didn't have to look at him to know the way his eyes contorted in frustration, the way his lips twisted around the words. "I just wanted you to back off, give me a month to figure out my head."

"Look, do you really want to know?" I asked, defeated, sparing a fleeting glance for his changed expression. I'd like to say it looked affectionate, but I didn't let myself go that far.

"Yeah," he breathed, "I do."

I hesitated a long time, staring at the street, calculating... Should I just do it? Here, now? Or should I make up some elaborate lie and hope he wouldn't try to contact me? This wasn't what I'd intended, but I guess it was as good as any other way. Maybe better. Maybe –

"You once told me Heero fell fifty stories and survived. Right?"

Duo chuckled. It was a sad little laugh, nothing like the ones I'd once dreamed I'd hear as I wined and dined my way into his heart. But it could've been worse. At least I got to hear it one last time.

"Yeah, he was kind of a jackass like that. Shoulda just pulled the shoot," he recalled fondly, placing the cigarette back in his slightly curled lips. "But what's that gotta do with anything?"

I turned around so my lower back was resting against the railing, my palms placed firmly on the cool metal. My eyes faced his, taking in his handsome face. I quelled the urge to touch it, forced myself not to lean forward and kiss him. But God it would feel so good just too –

"It's for the best, Duo."

My voice was breathy and he gave me a confused look. And in that moment, before he had time to react, I launched myself backward over the railing, watching those eyes as they widened in horror when he realized what I'd done.

But then they were gone. And I was gone. And I felt the wind shift through my hair, pricking my skin, ruffling my clothes.

And I closed my eyes, knowing it would be over soon despite how leisurely I seemed to move as floor after floor passed by me in slow motion. But on the back of my eyelids, I remembered.

I remembered.

I remembered he was curled up in bed, the blankets sliding off his prone and helpless form. His breathing easy, deep. His eyelids fluttered, sleep.

And I stood over him. Me. His lover. His companion. His comrade. His trustee. His everything.

I stood over him.

Cool, calculating.

He made me feel. Made me feel in ways I couldn't describe. Made me weak. Made me vulnerable. Everything about him a temptation, everything about him a fault in me. One look, one caress, one sigh, one groan. And I was on my knees. I was begging.

Lovingly, with the gentle tenderness I couldn't help but give him, I brushed his bangs away from his eyes with the point of my pistol, caressing his forehead with it. Knowing that it was time. Time to destroy this weakness. Time to end my vulnerability.

Time to kill him.

And my eyes shot open, realizing in that perfect moment why Heero had done this. Why he had locked himself away from Duo. Why he had to destroy himself.

But it was too late.

Fuck.


	14. 2.1 The Awakening

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The beginning of Part Two, A Former Life Reprised =)

When I began to regain consciousness the first thing I noticed was the damned IV in my arm. It was always the first thing I noticed. That horrible needle placed under the skin, in the vein, a method of control beyond any I felt comfortable with.

And then the crushing physical pain took its toll and my head ached. It hurt to think but I forced myself to do so, to remember how I got here.

A memory of Duo floated to the surface, sleeping, so at peace and I, I was standing over him, with my pistol clutched tightly in my –

Fuck.

 _FUCK_.

Immediately I forced my body to move, fighting the pain, pushing it deep away inside of me so that I could do what I had to do to get to him.

I ripped the IV out of my arm, barely noticing its absence. I felt panic rise in my throat as I tried to sit up, fighting gravity becoming more difficult than I'd anticipated in my debilitated state.

"Duo – !" I choked on his name, my throat raw and dry and I struggled harder, not sure how I'd gotten here but determined to find him. If I was in the hospital, then surely he must be –

Suddenly strong hands were on my shoulders, pushing me back down, and I fought them too, but I could barely jerk away and it hurt. I tried to push the pain down, but fuck did it ever hurt.

"It's okay," the calm voice comforted me and it wasn't his. "It's okay, just lay back down," it commanded and my eyes focused on the man in front of me. Wufei. Why was Wufei here? I couldn't tell whether I should panic because Duo wasn't with me or calm down and let Wufei handle it.

"Duo?" I croaked out desperately. "He's – I –"

"It's okay," he said for the third time, a firm hand placed in the center of my chest. "He's just down the hall getting some coffee."

I relaxed and didn't even protest when Wufei hit the nurse call button to get my IV replaced. It was okay. Duo was okay. I didn't hurt him. Not yet. I didn't hurt him yet.

I heard the door open and Wufei turned towards the sound. "He's up," I heard him say but I didn't move, not wanting to draw the ire of the nurses who were already going to be angry that I removed my IV.

But the sound of liquid splashing across the ground made me realize it wasn't a nurse. It was Duo.

Instantly I was trying to sit up again to get a look at him and Wufei was trying to fight me back down but I whipped my head around and saw him approaching me. His eyes... His eyes were the only eyes I was ever able to read, having studied them so intimately for so long. There was something amiss there. He was scared and angry. I expected relief, maybe even joy at my consciousness. I wish I could remember what I'd done...

"Fuck, Jack," he started but my face contorted in confusion then before I could clamp down on the emotion. "Heero...?" he tried again and I felt sick. He couldn't even remember my name? How the fuck long had I been out of it? The nurse came in and started attempting to replace my IV, but I pushed her away.

"Jack?" I would've roared if my throat didn't hurt so badly.

With my voice as it was, I tried to intimidate him with my glare instead. Then the nurse was back, Wufei helping her hold down my arm.

"Holy shit." His eyes went wide with surprise. "He's never coming back. He fucking told me he was never coming back."

And then irrational anger overrode any other reasonable thought and I thrashed, my glare pinned on my lover, meeting his horrified eyes with a threat as I fought to get off the bed.

"Listen, Heero, you don't understand," he begged but I didn't care what he said.

All I wanted was to get out of that bed and throw him up against the wall, demand he explain who the fuck Jack was. Here I was, contemplating completely destroying myself to save him and he was running around with another man.

And then Wufei was fighting back, hard, and Duo was slumping into a chair off to the side, and the nurse was pumping me full of sedative because I collapsed into a dark, dreamless sleep.

* * *

That groggy feeling you get from heavy sedation clouded my mind as I came to for the second time since being admitted to the hospital.

I heard voices. They sounded distant and far away but as I forced away the fog I realized it was Duo and Wufei.

"But maybe he did. I could've died. If he wasn't in the hospital I'd have been on that freighter and –" Duo's voice. Confused. Scared.

"I have no doubt he loves you." Wufei interrupted. Calm. Matter of fact. "But Heero is a purely selfish person. Putting you through that was selfish and nothing else, don't fool yourself."

Pause. Duo. "I don't know, 'Fei..."

I tried to turn my head to alert them to my consciousness but it was difficult to make even that small motion. I wondered what the fuck they hit me with – a damned horse tranquilizer?

But Duo must've noticed my struggle because he was by my side in a flash. I looked up into his eyes. Concern. Fear. Noted.

He grasped my hand tenderly and squeezed, though the effect of the lingering sedation made the touch feel muffled.

"Heero...?" he tried cautiously and I didn't reply, I just continued to stare. "Can you talk?"

I tested my voice a few times on the reply until my "yeah" came out somewhat normal, though scratchy.

"You've been in a coma for a week," he explained gently and I groaned inwardly. A fucking coma. Brain damage. I was too sedated to figure out to what degree – it was too difficult to think.

"Do you remember what happened?"

It was hard to shake my head so I answered verbally. "No."

Duo sighed, his eyes changed. Sadness. Noted.

"You jumped thirty floors off my hotel balcony," he explained. "I thought you were over doing shit like that. You're not some hot shot fifteen year old any more. That fall could've killed you. Should have.  _Would_   _have_ if you hadn't hit all those tents on the way down..." Duo shuddered then, clearly remembering the image.

"Why?" I asked, confused, unable to remember why I would jump off a balcony. "Mission?" I asked then, the only reason I could imagine.

He blinked. Shock. Noted. "You don't remember?"

"No." I knew my voice had a trace of irritation that Duo would immediately latch on to but if I had remembered I wouldn't have asked.

"You don't remember Jack?" he asked. I thought he was using slang at first until I remembered him saying the name when I first woke up and suddenly anger was rising within me again.

"Jack?" I asked through gritted teeth.

"You don't remember the last three and a half years?"

He dropped my hand, balling his into fists. Anger. Noted. He was flipping through emotions too quickly. Something was wrong. He was losing control. Also noted. But in my own anger I found it difficult to care. And I almost missed his words in favor of trying to figure out his emotions.

"I'm not brain dead," I retorted, having difficulty keeping my anger in. "I remember our time at Preventer." We'd signed up about four years ago. It was the only thing I could think.

" _Fuck_  you, Heero Yuy," he spat. I couldn't see his eyes but the tone of his voice was enough for me to go on. He was pissed. "You put me through fucking  _hell_  for almost four  _years_ and you don't fucking remember it?" Then he lifted his eyes. I was right. Pissed. Noted.

He didn't give me a chance to protest before he stormed out of the room. I watched as he attempted to slam the door but it was one of those ones with a buffer so it was impossible to slam and instead just stopped and shut slowly for the last few inches. I heard him growl and then the sound of his fist connecting with it. Twice.

Correction. Flaming pissed.

I was left feeling tired and confused as my anger quickly dissipated. Once he was gone, I felt a void and I just wanted him to come back. But instead Wufei came up with a thick brown envelope in his hands. He sat down in a seat next to me, seeming weary. Old. Older than I remember him being.

"What year is it?" he asked quietly, turning the envelope over in his hands. I was thankful he was here. He was much easier to deal with than Duo when I was unsure of myself.

"AC 200," I said, suddenly remembering vividly how Duo and I celebrated New Years. Pressing him against a brick wall in a heady throng of people, all drunk, so drunk, even I was drunk and I was kissing him and jerking him off and he was moaning into my mouth, his hands latched on the back of my neck, forcing me closer, ever closer –

I stopped. Not the time to think about that.

Wufei sighed and met my gaze with some effort on his part. "No, its not. Its 204."

I stared, confused. I knew Wufei wouldn't lie to me, but what could he mean by that? Duo said I'd been comatose a week, not four years.

"You disappeared on August 1st, 200," Wufei began and I reeled from the words. What did he mean, I  _disappeared_? "You told Duo you had a solo mission but you didn't. You simply left. No one knew where you went. You're untraceable when you want to be."

He paused to let me absorb the information but it didn't make sense. I left Duo...?

I left Duo.

I groaned, remembering my fear as I awoke here the first time. I was going to hurt him. Fuck. I was going to hurt him and so I left. But I wasn't gone. I was back. How did I get back?

"Duo found you by accident at a tech conference in New York a little over two months ago," Wufei continued then, rubbing a temple with one hand. "You were going by the name Jack Kaufmann and working for Nexxus International Group as an AI Researcher."

Then it hit me fully. Jack. Jack Kaufmann, the man I was to become to save Duo. I'd done it. I'd really done it. I had become someone else.

"When he learned you were living in Geneva and working at Nexxus HQ, you two decided to reprise some sort of relationship. I only learned of your existence here in Geneva a month ago."

Shit. Wufei. A true friend. I apparently hadn't seen him for years and yet he was still here for me when I needed him.

"Duo called me once you were checked in and I took time off to be with him. Understandably, he's a wreck right now. Something happened between you two before you jumped. I'm not sure what, nor do I care, but despite your condition you should try to be sympathetic to him," he warned me and I felt somewhat humbled. He didn't look pleased with me either. I suppose I couldn't blame him but at this point he should've known that I don't do anything without careful, dedicated planning and if I did something so drastic it had to be for a good reason.

And that I would have to do it again if I was still a threat to Duo.

"He's also a bit upset to learn the freighter he was due to pilot the day after you foolishly fell thirty feet to your death exploded en route to L6," Wufei explained and I recognized it as part of the conversation they were having as I was coming to. "The cause appears to be engine failure but they're still investigating."

Fuck. We should both be dead. That thought was less than pleasant.

"Do you think you can sit up?" he asked and I contemplated that, moving my arms a bit and feeling that the sluggishness had left to a degree. He helped position my bed at an incline and set the envelope on my lap.

"Your alter ego Jack left this with Duo before he jumped." Wufei just couldn't help himself, he was going to dig it in at every chance he got, just like when a mission fucked up. He always had a bit of a superiority complex with me. Probably something about his own fuck up with Mariemaia. "Duo refused to open it, so I respected your privacy as well, but I hope it contains some explanation of why he decided to selfishly fall to his death in front of a man he supposedly cared about."

See? Couldn't help himself.

"We'll see," I muttered as I turned the unmarked envelope over in my hands.

"I'll go calm down Maxwell," Wufei stated, not unkindly, though it irritated me in a way. I wanted to be the one to calm him down, like always, the way I'd learned how through years of careful study, but we were probably beyond the point of no return now. We probably weren't even technically a couple any more. It had been almost four years...

Suddenly my heart ached and it had nothing to do with the fall and my broken bones and sore, unused muscles. We had nothing. We were nothing. His hand on mine... Residual affection from a failed relationship.

"He has no obligation to me," I said simply and Wufei turned from where he stood, only a foot away from the door, pinning me with a sad look soaked in pity.

"He doesn't," he agreed before slipping through the door and leaving me alone.

Alone.

I guess it hadn't been such a long time since I was alone. Three and a half years. But to me, it was yesterday that Duo was stretched out in the middle of the bed, laying on his stomach, one arm flopped over my waist, a foot hooking one of my own, snoring lightly, peacefully as I remained perfectly still, basking in his presence, waiting for the alarm to blare and his familiar string of curses as he hit snooze and snuggled up next to me.

I hadn't been alone since the war. Duo was always there. Even when I didn't want him to be. Even when I tried to push him away. He clung to me like a fucking leech. But not now. Not any more.

Fuck.

I pushed those thoughts away and studied the envelope with a bit of apprehension. I remembered suddenly giving Duo a small envelope before I left with a key inside, telling him to hold onto it for me. He thought nothing of it.

I remember slipping his pictures of me into another envelope, leaving them in a lock box, waiting to be discovered one day.

They must've been discovered. Right? He had found me. Or the me I'd left for him.

It was coming back to me, now.

_A man stood there. Old, white lab coat, acted confidently. A lie. False bravado. He was warning me about the procedure. Potential memory loss. No shit? Kinda the point, right? No, he assured, permanent._

With shaking hands I opened the envelope, sliding its contents into my lap.

A stack of credits. A stack of print outs. A handwritten letter – my own familiar handwriting. The key. A bank business card. Another, smaller envelope. Addressed to me. In my handwriting.

I was glad it wasn't sealed because as embarrassing as it was to admit I wasn't sure I would've been able to open it in my severely weakened and post-sedated state. My hands trembled slightly as I drew out the folded sheets of paper and opened them carefully.

 **To Heero Yuy** , it stated with simplicity. But right under that there was a space and an additional note.  **But if Duo is reading this, please understand, I didn't want to involve you further in my personal issues. I know I hurt you and I saw no reason to hurt you further. I hope in time you will come to understand and forgive me.**

I blinked and reread the sentence, wondering what kind of relationship Duo and Jack had. There was space after that before the letter started in earnest.

**This letter will outline my findings over the past two months after meeting Duo Maxwell and discovering the true nature of my past. Despite my belief that I was a simple man who had dropped out of high school at age twelve to study AI design it became quickly apparent to me that this memory had been planted there to cover up the fact that I was apparently a former Gundam pilot. From what I have been able to ascertain from the information left for me by my previous self, Heero Yuy, he went to great lengths to create me, his alter ego, leaving intact my technical ability and my affection for Duo Maxwell. In the end, I have come to the conclusion that I can no longer continue this false existence. My knowledge of the truth and inability to reconcile my relationship with Duo has made this life too unbearable and although selfish I feel it is necessary to end this act and attempt to resurrect my creator. This letter will outline my findings over the past two months as well as the conclusions I have drawn in the hope they will prove useful to whoever finds this letter in their possession.**

He went on to outline his first meeting with Duo, how Duo presented him with the key to the bank account and lock box full of photographs, how Quatre called him and threatened him to leave Duo alone, how he found the note I left for him in a book on brain circuitry begging him to run away with Duo, how he eventually realized Nexxus wasn't recruiting him for his AI research but for his experience as a Gundam pilot and his suspicions regarding the psych profiles he found and included in the envelope.

At the very end he left an additional note for Duo.

**I never said it because I knew you couldn't reciprocate, but I'll always regret not telling you that** **_I_ ** **loved you too.**

Even though he was me and I left him there specifically to maintain a relationship with Duo, I still felt heavy anger in my gut reading that last line. Jack was selfish to bring me back. If he loved him, he should've stayed with Duo and stuck it out, no matter how difficult. Now neither of us had him and I was frustrated at the prospect of how much time it would take me to win Duo back a third time. Especially considering I'm still puzzled as to how I even got him in the first place.

I placed everything back into the envelope and lay back in the pillows.

_Sterile chair reclined. Neural transmitters attached. Machine sounds. Cardiovascular transmitters. Heartbeat. IV insertion. Impending sleep._

Sleep. Suddenly I was so tired. Overwhelmed. Just so... tired...


	15. 2.2 The Return

I spent a lot of time sleeping over the next week. I suspect it was a combination of the brain damage I sustained during my surgery and the fall as well as the fact that I was clearly not in the same physical condition I had been when I agreed to the brain reconstruction years ago. Jack must've kept up some kind of gym routine but it didn't appear to have any of the ferocity mine usually did. While genetic modification had helped maintain my muscle mass to some degree, I could tell I was going to have to start an aggressive regimen when I got out of this bed.

I'm sure the week I lay in a coma didn't help my muscle tone either.

Memories started to come back to me in dreams and waking moments and at first it was incredibly overwhelming and difficult to manage. Sometimes I couldn't tell if it was a memory of mine or a memory of Jack's and that was especially disconcerting. Sometimes Duo seemed too old, older than he would've been if it was a memory of mine, but then he'd be doing something I was sure we had done together and I would become confused. So instead of trying to figure them out, I simply catalogued them and filed them away for future use.

Both Wufei and Duo floated in and out of my room during that time, although in an unusual turn of events, Wufei was the talkative one that I preferred to see when I awoke. Duo usually just sat quietly and tried to avoid looking at me and sometimes it was almost more than I could take, although I didn't let him know that. The thing I craved most in those quiet moments was his physical contact – and he saw fit to deny me it absolutely. But there was nothing I could do, nothing I could say. He had every right to be angry and I supposed I should've been grateful for his presence at all.

The day the doctors started talking about my discharge I heard Duo and Wufei arguing outside my door. Their words were muffled but when Duo eventually walked in he wore a look that was downright pathetic. He stared at the ground nervously, scratching the back of his head.

"Guess they're gonna let ya break out of here," he finally opened, glancing up at me sheepishly as if even he was embarrassed of the way he was acting.

I hoped he was going to enlighten me a bit more than that so I waited. But, unfortunately, he just asked me what I thought I was going to do.

"I'm not going home with you?"

Before the words even left my mouth I realized with horror that I wouldn't be. We didn't live together any more. There was no home, no us. He wasn't just pissed about me pulling another "hot shot stunt" on a mission. We wouldn't go home and we wouldn't fuck and I wouldn't apologize in my own way and we wouldn't be fine. No. I was alone now.

It was going to be hard as hell to start thinking that way.

"Never mind," I told him by way of apology as he floundered for words. "I don't know. I assume I have an apartment."

"Yeah, 'Fei found the address for me." Duo paused, looking guilty. "Do you think you'll make it on your own? I live in Sanc, ya know, like five hours away."

Shit. That knowledge felt a bit like a punch to the gut. He was going to leave me in that apartment that was Jack's all by myself. And while that was fine, I didn't mind being alone, really, it was just... I didn't want to be that far away from him either.

Instead of moping, I sat up, attempting not to wince from the pain of my broken ribs, and threw my legs over the edge of the bed. My left knee had been shattered as I had twisted at some point on the way down and it impacted with the ground first. So it was immobilized in a large brace, making the move awkward. I had to scoot way forward on the bed to rest my good leg on the floor, supporting me in a half standing, half leaning against the bed position. The exertion was brutal and my head swam a bit but I felt I kept my composure better than was expected and Duo gave me a skeptical once-over.

"I'll be fine," I said boldly, although it was an obvious lie. Anyone who looked at my chart would've known sending me home alone was a cruel and mean-spirited suggestion.

"Okay then," Duo shrugged without arguing. Both our heads shot to the side though when we heard a cough as Wufei made his presence known.

"Maxwell," he warned with a cool look.

I glanced back at my ex-partner and he whipped out a full on pout.

"Wufei," he whined the name like a petulant child, drawing the two syllables of Wufei's name out in an absurd way.

I assumed this had something to do with their argument outside earlier. Wufei's eyes hardened and Duo crossed his arms over his chest defiantly. I fought the urge to roll my eyes at their juvenile power struggle and decided to show them both I was fine by limping across the room and gathering my things. But while I made it the short distance to the supply table on the other side of the room, I was unaccustomed to my body being in this poor of shape and I pitched forward on the last motion, quickly catching myself on the table, leaning my full body weight into it and trying not to collapse.

"Fuck," I muttered as my vision came back to me and suddenly my arm was being thrown around a familiar neck, gentle hands slipping around my torso, attempting not to aggravate my ribs, and I was guided back to rest against the bed.

"Hey, you – you're in no condition to be pulling stunts like that."

Soft, kind words. I had to clamp down hard on my emotions so as not to humiliate myself. After a week of feeling like Duo would've been happier had I died in that fall, I just really needed to hear words like that. I stared at the ground, unable to look at him and certainly not Wufei, feeling a sense of vulnerability that was rare for me.

"What if I come back with ya?" Duo offered carefully and although I knew he didn't really want to, and I didn't really blame him, I couldn't help but nod my head ever so slightly.

"I know we're not... whatever," I muttered dejectedly, trying to assuage his fears about the impending experience. I wanted to say 'in love' but that wasn't the truth. Maybe  _we_ weren't, but  _I_  still was.

Duo didn't say anything. Instead he left my side and went to go get a nurse so that I could sign my discharge papers.

"He's afraid of his feelings for you," Wufei told me bluntly once Duo was gone.

He had crossed the room and sat next to me on the bed. It was uncomfortable; Wufei was never so outwardly compassionate to anyone. I felt a bit like he was trying to dig this in too, but I knew that wasn't fair or justified so I tried to let my shame go.

"I still love him," I whispered, feeling like I just needed to say it. Needed to say it to someone so I wouldn't end up saying it to Duo and hurting him even worse than the past four years had.

Wufei put a hand on my back then and I balled my hands into fists. "He still loves you too," he assured me softly. "But he's got a lot to consider." Then Wufei's hand fell and he chuckled slightly. "And once he does, hopefully I'll never have to discuss your relationship ever again."

I let myself smile a little at his joke, appreciating that this was not an easy situation for the normally reserved man to be thrown into.

"Thank you," I told him quietly. "I'm glad you were here."

He just stood, gripped my shoulder and squeezed a moment, and then Duo and a nurse were walking in with a big stack of papers in hand.

They rolled me out of the hospital in a wheelchair, to my public consternation but private relief, and Duo helped me into Wufei's car. The ride was a relatively silent one as I think we all had things to contemplate. We pulled up to an unfamiliar building and bid Wufei farewell, Duo letting me lean heavily on him as we made our way to the elevator.

That feeling of having him there, supporting me, was such a comfort. So familiar. He was always there for me in a way no one else ever had been.

Once we got inside – Duo had to dig through everything in my personal affects to find the key – we both looked around as if we were seeing the place for the first time. I hoped it would be familiar to me, but it wasn't. The bookshelf was the most familiar thing, but only because it reminded me of my bookshelf at our place in Lyon.

Our place in Lyon. No longer ours. Someone else lived there now, probably. Duo lived in Sanc. I lived here. Remember.

"I'll take the couch," I said quickly as Duo started forward.

He tried to protest but I shut him down with a glare. If he had given it a second thought, he wouldn't have started to argue. The last thing I wanted was for him to have to interact with me in any way involving a bed. The thought of him being forced to bring me food in bed... It was too romantic. Too familiar. No. It was better this way.

He helped me over to the couch and then announced he was going to make us some lunch. I heard him rustling around in the kitchen and then an irritated curse. "I'm going to have to go shopping. There's nothing here. You apparently don't eat."

And then I was absorbed in a memory of yanking food off shelves, out of the refrigerator, throwing it into a trash bag as quickly as possible and I buried my aching head in my hands as it passed through me so quickly I could hardly catch my breath.

This fucking sucked.

"...Heero?" Duo asked carefully and I saw him staring at me from over the bar in the kitchen. Concern. Noted. "You okay, buddy?"

"Yeah, fine," I replied as monotonously as possible.

Duo came to inspect me for himself and I leaned back on the armrest and glared. Okay, I was never good at being babied, that's for sure.

"It's okay if I go to the store, right?" he asked cautiously, walking the very thin line between offending me and making sure I really was 'fine.'

"Yeah," I shot back, then thought of something. "Could you get me that envelope Jack left?"

I almost regretted asking when Duo looked stricken and turned away hastily to go get it. He kinda threw it into my lap but I ignored his attitude and opened it, pulling out the stack of credits.

"Holy shit," Duo breathed in awe and I realized at that moment that Wufei was right, he'd never opened the envelope. I don't know why that surprised me, maybe because Jack seemed so sure he would in his letter. Selfishly, it made me feel a bit better that he didn't read Jack's notes to him.

I freed a thousand credits and handed them to Duo. I looked up to catch his surprised and reluctant expression.

"For things for me. Groceries," I explained.

The truth was that I wasn't entirely sure why Jack had taken them from the bank I'd left them in. He didn't explain it in his note, just stated that there was more money there if it was needed. But this seemed as good a use as any. Finally, Duo took the money and asked me if I knew where a market was around here.

"No," I replied honestly and he scowled, though I recognized he wasn't irritated at me, more at himself for forgetting that this wasn't my home. It was Jack's.

"I'll find one," he announced and headed for the door. But after opening it he paused. I don't think he looked back at me because I couldn't feel his eyes on me, but even if he did, I couldn't turn to see him from my position on the couch without a lot of maneuvering and pain. "You still think we live in Lyon." It was a statement, not a question, and it was quiet and sad.

"Yeah," I answered simply as a memory of him came crashing through my brain unannounced.

I was standing at the window, leaning against it, looking down at the city, just back from a mission. Something political. Must've been after Zurich. Feeling weary. Defeated. Tired. Like a failure. And he came up behind me and slid his arms around me and held me. He didn't say anything. He just held me like that for a long time.

As I cleared my clouded mind, I wondered if he missed Lyon, too.

"I wish we still did," I mumbled out – but it was too late.

The door was shutting and he didn't hear me or maybe he didn't want to hear me so he left.

I spent a lot of time thinking while Duo was gone. I thought about the psych profiles Jack had found in the Nexxus database. Though I thought borderline was a bit too harsh a description of Duo's personality, frankly, schizoid was a good guess on my part, and I was proud of them. Hell, probably to some degree they were right. One of the reasons I managed so well with Duo was that we shared so many interests together and he made no demands on my emotions. Never needed romantic gestures, never asked me to open up and talk to him about my feelings or any of that bullshit. He was happy sparring at the gym or fixing up a bike together or rolling in the sheets. Just spending time with me. He made it easy...

I remembered Nexxus aggressively recruiting me. For almost a year they lavished offers upon me. Higher and higher pay, more prestige within the company, a pent house suite, expensive cars, an unlimited bank account. Then they started targeting Duo, bribing him, thinking he was holding me back. They offered a large donation to the orphanage he volunteered at, glamorous vacations for two, even going so far as offering him a very well compensated, high ranking position within Nexxus' manufacturing division.

But frankly, I just didn't want the job. I did some coding in my spare time but robot AI was of very little interest to me. I didn't want to fuck with everything Duo and I worked to build with Preventer, in Lyon. I knew he only took the job at Preventer for me – I could hardly ask him to pack it all up and move to Geneva for a different job even if I had more than a casual interest in it.

But now I knew their interest in me wasn't purely motivated by my skill as a hacker or status as a Gundam pilot, as I assumed it had been. They wanted me specifically for my experience with the ZERO system. Unfortunately, they never told me much about the particulars of the position – although they clearly didn't realize it, this was another big obstacle to me accepting their offer – and Jack didn't leave me any information about his job. I couldn't imagine what Jack would know in relation to ZERO that would make him worthwhile to Nexxus, especially since I purposely tried to rid myself of any lingering knowledge of ZERO when I underwent the brain reformatting.

After all, ZERO is what caused me to be a threat to Duo, so what would be the point of leaving it intact?

This caused me to think about the events leading up to the reformatting. If only I'd known how something so simple would completely alter the course of our lives in such a supremely negative way I would've – no, it'd be a lie. I couldn't deny Duo anything. And anyway it would've been silly and suspicious to do so. We had some time off coming up and despite our short New Years vacation in New York, we'd had to return to work quickly as the new year, for whatever reason, always brought out the best in criminals. So when Quatre invited us out to his private beachfront property that spring just as the days grew warm, I couldn't refuse Duo on any grounds. It was a friend, we had time off, it was only a few days, and work was relatively quiet.

We were having a nice time. Wufei had brought Sally and Duo had great fun teasing the new couple. Duo shared recipes with Sally and Trowa and they made us fabulous food for every meal. Wufei, Trowa, Duo and I played cards on the patio at night until we were too drunk to count so then we would just stare at the stars and reminisce about battles we fought. I got to spend time in the comfort of the only people I considered my friends and that was rare and wonderful. I found myself having a good time, which of course meant I must've let my guard down.

For whatever reason Duo egged us all into taking out the jet skis. Not that it was a hard sell. Even though the water was cold we all have a bit of a hard streak and cold water wasn't going to dissuade us from an adrenaline trip. Of course, we all had to push it too hard as we chased each other around the waves. Once again, I can't really complain. It was a rush. And any minor fuck up only made it more thrilling once balance was re-attained.

But then Quatre lost control of his vehicle too close to me and it careened into mine. He managed to get off before the impact but I didn't and the collision forced me under and down into the water. I remember fighting it briefly before my head smashed into something – the ocean floor or a jet ski I'll never know – and I blacked out.

I came to on the beach with Duo resuscitating me. My injuries were minimal, mostly just scrapes and bruises, but Sally determined I had a concussion so I got to sit through hours of watchful eyes and no alcohol or other activity while Wufei and Trowa hauled in the wreckage.

And that was it, or so I thought. But vestiges of ZERO started coming back to me after that. I began hallucinating during the day. Not much at first but it quickly became worse. I started imaging different ways I'd kill Duo. Sometimes I'd beat him to death, sometimes I'd pull out my gun and shoot him in the head, sometimes I'd push him in front of a train or some other equally devastating vehicle. It was horrible. I'd snap out of it and he'd be smiling at me and all I could think was what if I did it? What if, one day, it wasn't a hallucination? What if it was real?

Then came the horrible night I snapped out of it and I was actually holding a gun over him as he slept.

By that point I had already been working with Quatre on ways to reverse the effects of the ZERO system on my brain. He was the only one I confided in, the only one I felt like could truly understand my plight, having worked on the development of the system and feeling the full force of its effects. We were hitting wall after wall when that fateful day came and I gave up. I knew that I had to do something drastic and so I moved in another direction with my research.

I contacted a doctor at Nexxus who helped me develop the process and who would get me an in with Nexxus once I was reconditioned. I figured I could kill a few birds with one stone. Fix my brain, save Duo, find a job I'd be good at that wanted me in my reconditioned state so that my new self would have somewhere to go. The day before the procedure I met with the head of the R&D department and explained my situation. They were all too happy to have me – maybe even happier than had I been Heero as my alter ego would surely be easier to placate, right? I don't know. I don't know that I'll ever truly understand their motivations.

I kept that decision from Quatre as I had from Duo and everyone else. To truly disappear, you had to make sure no one knew you were doing it. But the thing I didn't understand, the one piece of this puzzle that truly perplexed me, was Quatre. I could understand him calling Jack and threatening him. He knew how difficult my hallucinations were for me and how I had always anticipated I might one day hurt Duo, hence my desire to fix my broken brain and quickly, though I never told him just how close I got. That wasn't what bothered me. What bothered me was the note on his psychological profile. 'Recruitment pending.' What did that mean? When did Nexxus start attempting to recruit Quatre? And why? For his knowledge of the ZERO system? He was the owner of WEI, what would possibly motivate him to work for Nexxus?

I considered going back to work as Jack for a moment to try to learn more about Nexxus from the inside, but quickly abandoned the idea. I simply didn't know enough about his coworkers or his personality to pull it off. And having been out of work for a month in such a terrible accident... no matter if he was the most caustic, anti-social asshole on the planet,  _everyone_  would be in his business asking him where he was and how he was doing.

Unfortunately, I would have to ask Duo. Wufei had mentioned we met at a tech conference. I must've been giving some lecture about my work, right? Or Jack must've. Maybe he was published and I could read some of his work. I resolved to find out.

Before I could work my way off the couch to get my tablet and begin my research I heard the door open and Duo walked in, laden down with groceries. Thankfully, he was able to manage without my help, chatting about the different people and things he ran into on his quest as he put the food away. Eventually he fell silent and I heard the sound of food cooking and then began to smell the pleasant, fatty smell of bacon frying.

I remembered waking up that first morning in the beach house to Duo kissing my shoulders and my neck. I was sleeping on my side, strange for me, and longer than usual. The late night, the excess alcohol, and the rough, sloppy sex must've thrown off my internal system. I turned over to kiss him thoroughly and he grinned afterward, handing me a plate of eggs and bacon, proud of himself for waking up before me for once so that he could bring me breakfast in bed.

I groaned and rubbed my eyes, the dull ache in my brain throbbing painfully. Duo didn't hear me over the sound of the kitchen and I was glad. This was going to be a long,  _long_ recovery.


	16. 2.3 The Recovery

The next two weeks were weird, to say the least. Every time things became too comfortable one of us would push away and it would get awkward again and we'd spend a whole evening not talking to one another. I slept on the couch and Duo slept in the bed. He cooked for me and helped me get in the vicinity of the shower but I refused to fall so low as to make him help me with it.

In fact, I started a rather aggressive training program as soon as possible. I had Duo pick me up free weights, despite his protests, and between those and lapping the apartment in a quick hobble I was starting to feel a bit better about my overall condition. Duo harassed me about nearly everything – but then, he was about as good at being stuck in a house as I was about being babied – and I managed to let it all go. I didn't know what I was going to do when he left me and went home to Sanc. It was becoming increasingly apparent that he wasn't about to fall down in my arms and forgive me any time soon and I didn't even have the slightest clue what to do to usher in any reprisal of our relationship.

I wanted to make some grand gesture of my affection but with a knee brace and a healing body it didn't seem prudent to take him out for a night on the town. And although I did once or twice have the idea I might try to kiss him and hope that would fix something – after all, our relationship  _started_  that way – any time I got close enough to try he would back away as if I were going to attack him. For a short while I even worried he knew about my conflict with ZERO and the night I almost killed him, although I quickly realized he was just protecting his emotions.

After a particularly grueling day in which I took off the full brace and started with a short, flexible one and therefore pushed myself to a degree that was likely foolish, Duo made us steak and potatoes and steamed vegetables. I remembered the day he learned how to cook steak. Hilde was visiting for the week and he was teasing her relentlessly about making him a steak – some inside joke between the two. She bet him that she could drink more beers than him without passing out – the wager being she would make him a steak or he would learn how to cook one so he'd never have to ask again. To this day I'm not really sure how she managed the feat – Duo can drink a  _lot_  of beer. But she did, or at least she convinced him she did, although as an unhappy observer I'd say they passed out within moments of each other. Despite the inconvenience and the pissy attitude Duo had the next day, I would give anything to go back to that moment and wake up to his arms wrapped around me, pressing against me for comfort against his headache.

We ate in silence for a while. I knew Duo was a bit upset with me for pushing myself so hard, but I also suspected he was unhappy because it also meant he would be leaving soon. That might have been wishful thinking on my part, I'll confess. People need hope, I once said with a certain level of disdain. But now, I realized,  _I_ needed hope.

There were many questions I'd avoided asking. I hadn't gotten the wherewithal to ask about Jack or his research yet. Although I was curious, I wanted Duo more than I wanted to know, and if not asking kept Duo here one more day, then I wouldn't ever ask. I didn't ask about his life in Sanc or what he did after I left either. In fact, we were both acting as if the past few years hadn't happened in a way. After the statement about Lyon, he didn't say a single thing about our life together or ask what made me leave. I guess at some point I realized that had to have hurt him more than anything else. I had simply abandoned him with no explanation. And I couldn't apologize because we were dancing around the truth and while normally I'd just say what needs to be said I was locking down from the stress and my fear of losing him.

In times of duress, the solider persona is a difficult one for me to escape. And the more distant we grew each day the more difficult it was for me to fight.

So it was with a certain amount of reservation that I asked him that night what he did that allowed him to take so much time off to deal with me.

He snorted and shook his head. "Well, I don't work for Preventer any more if  _that's_  what you're getting at."

I sighed. "I know you were never truly happy there."

Neither of us was looking at the other but I noted the way his fork stopped. I think he was maybe surprised that I knew how he felt about the job I so enjoyed.

"I had a freight contract with Nexxus for a coupla months delivering to L6," he explained as a way of changing the subject.

"Nexxus?" I asked, finally looking up to study him. "Jack's company?" It was a question I knew the answer to, but I saw a way to bring Jack up in conversation now to get it over with.

"Yeah, but it had nothing to do with him," Duo stated, still not looking at me. "It was just a contract, whatever, I'm a freelancer and it was good pay."

We lapsed into silence for a few minutes as I struggled to figure out why he was upset. Was it that I brought up Jack? Was it that he thinks I'm judging him about being a freelancer?

Luckily he took pity on me and despite his anger and our awkwardness, told me what was bothering him. "Actually Jack kinda saved my life jumping... The freighter I was supposed to take exploded on its maiden voyage."

Shit. How did I completely forget that conversation? Usually I was better than that, even considering my waning sedation at the time.

And then I was up and moving around the apartment with a speed that clearly surprised Duo.

Something was wrong. Really fucking wrong. Nexxus made an attempt on his life. They had promised me that if I signed their contract, they would leave him alone. Fuck, it was in that same contract that they would. But they broke that contract. Even before Jack jumped, they broke our contract.

"Heero?" Duo followed me around as I dug out a duffle and started throwing clothes into it. "What are you doing? What's wrong?"

I paused and turned, leaning heavily on my good leg and pinning him with a very intense stare. "What did Jack do?"

"Huh?" Duo asked, perplexed.

"What did he do? What did he do for Nexxus? You met him at a conference, right? What was he talking about? What was his lecture on?" I asked quickly, noting the way Duo's eyes shifted as he thought back to the day.

"Something theoretical," he said, still thinking. "About mobile suits. And AI. Ah, yeah, I remember, it pissed me off! He was suggesting we could use AIs to help humans interface with machinery but that he'd have to use fucking kids to do it or some shit so as not to overwhelm the subject, completely disregarding –"

"Fuck," I muttered, cutting him off, tuning him out, turning away from him and continuing my frantic packing as it all came together. " _Fuck_."

"Heero, man, you gotta give me more to go on than that! Can't this wait a minute?" He grabbed my hands and forced me to stop.

"No. We need to go.  _Now_ ," I emphasized.

"Where?"

I paused and considered that. I didn't know where. I sighed, defeated, and sat down on the bed. Duo's eyes studied mine quickly. Concern, again. After a moment he joined me on the bed, gripping my hand and squeezing.

"We've been sitting here for two weeks. Whatever you need to do can wait until the morning."

But it made me nervous in a way I can't describe. I wanted to be moving, acting, doing  _something_.

"I have to get to L6," I finally decided. I looked at him, a bit hopefully. "Will you come with me?"

Duo frowned. "On blind faith?" he asked carefully.

I guess I shouldn't have expected him to jump with me, the way he would've before.

"Do you remember how Nexxus recruited me?" I inquired and Duo nodded.

"They recruited me too, just to get to you."

"Right," I agreed. "Jack left me some information in that envelope that makes me believe they wanted me because I piloted the ZERO system."

"Fuck," Duo parroted my earlier articulation, immediately putting two and two together. Not hard to understand that a guy giving a lecture on mobile suit AIs, no matter how theoretical, who was recruited due to his experience with ZERO was probably feeding Nexxus information of a more than questionable nature.

"Yeah."

We sat there contemplating the implications of that. Why else would they be recruiting me other than to redesign the system? And if they were redesigning ZERO, where else would they store it but on L6? L6 was a great big floating closet in space that only certain pre-approved people could get to. The perfect hiding place.

"WEI is cosponsoring the L6 project, right?" I asked, unsure of how much had changed in the past few years.

"Nah, can't go to Q," Duo replied reluctantly. "Talked to him while you were comatose. He's pissed. And busy. And he won't want to see you." He paused. "Fuck, do you think Quat knows?"

I grunted and shook my head. "No. Quatre would never want to redesign ZERO. They're probably just using him for his money."

Duo seemed to ease slightly although I felt like I was lying. I didn't want to believe that Quatre would do something like that, but what else could 'recruitment pending' mean?

I had to push that thought out of my head for later as I reevaluated the situation. I couldn't just walk into L6 as either Heero Yuy or Jack Kaufmann without raising some serious red flags. Duo might be able to get through if his name wasn't removed from the authorized entry list, but it was too risky. If we stowed away on one of Quatre's shuttles without him knowing it...

"Relena," Duo stated firmly, derailing my train of thought. I raised a questioning eyebrow. "She could lend us a shuttle. Or at least give us a good idea of one we could board."

"There'd have been a time you'd groan about having to go to her," I pointed out and he shrugged.

"We're kinda friends," he explained, looking down at the carpet. "Tortured over the same guy and all, ya know?"

Okay, that was fair. "Duo?"

He looked up at me and I could tell, the color of his eyes, the way they were just a bit too big. Sad. Really sad. Noted.

"Thanks."

He blinked. Surprise.

"For taking care of me. For going to L6 with me."

He shrugged and looked a bit uncomfortable, staring at his lap. "Glutton for punishment."

I placed a gentle hand on his knee and felt him jerk instinctively away from me. That hurt, but he didn't remove my hand in the end so I took that as a good sign.

"I know the last three and a half years have been difficult for you," I forced myself to continue, hoping that I might be able to offer a small olive branch. "But you need to –"

Duo levied one of my own glares at me then, a clear indication that I was to shut up. That he wasn't ready to talk about it yet. That underneath his sadness he was still pissed. I removed my hand and stood, gathering up the clothes I had been throwing around and starting roll them for easy packing. Duo began to assemble the few outfits he had here to wash.

"I'll contact 'Lena and see if she can spare some time tomorrow," he announced in a very business-like way as he walked out of the room.

I listened as he put the clothes in the washer and then he walked into my office and shut the door before I fell into the bed in a moment of weak self-indulgence.

It wasn't that I was uncomfortable on the couch. I wasn't. It was just that, if I lay there where Duo laid his head every night for the past two weeks, I could lie where he lay, smell the faint scent of him, and imagine for the briefest moment that I was still welcome in his bed.


	17. 2.4 The Reunion

After a night of packing we woke up early the next morning to hit the bank and take out the rest of the credits I'd left for Jack. I was a little bit surprised to discover that Jack drove a Porsche. Duo laughed and assured me he wasn't as inconspicuous as Heero and winked before climbing into the driver's seat.

I couldn't help but wonder if Jack drove Duo around in this car. If he was more romantic and interesting than I was. I tried to get a grip on myself. We were starting a mission. It was unfortunate that I wasn't able to repair our relationship before the mission started – I honestly didn't realize we would be on one so soon or maybe I would've tried more drastic measures – but I wasn't going to have the luxury of sitting around, loathing myself and the situation and longing after Duo.

Duo insisted on coming into the bank with me and when I walked up to the counter I had the disconcerting experience of remembering the girl as I met her for the first time. It was a strange déjà vu that I forced myself to get through by shear willpower alone.

"Ahhh, Mr. Kaufmann?" she questioned, concern in her eyes. "How was Tahiti?"

I wasn't entirely sure what she was talking about but I went with it. "I had to cut the trip short, actually. Had a bit of a rock climbing accident. Smashed my knee," I explained curtly and she gasped.

"Oh, no! I hope you're okay," she soothed, giving Duo a sideways glance. "And on your honeymoon, too. Poor things."

I was impressed that neither of us flinched at the suggestion given our current relationship status. Years of undercover work paid off... but what the hell had Jack told this woman?

Suddenly I felt Duo's arm wrap around my waist and his nose nuzzled against my ear. I'm sure I looked like a newlywed as the touch I so craved made my breath catch and my hands tremble slightly.

"S'not so bad," he drawled sweetly at the girl. "Got ta take s'more time off work to take care of this lug." And then he smacked the back of my head and his touch was gone.

I regained control of my weak body and mind and explained that I had to take out the rest of the money to pay for the surgery and she complied easily. I left some in there just to keep the account open but had her split the rest and place it on two different prepaid cards so that we didn't have to carry around forty thousand credits in bills and then we were off. Duo couldn't help but tease her – and likely me, I'm sure he noticed my reaction at the desk, he noticed every damn time he'd ever affected me – by slipping a hand across my ass as we left, fondling it gratuitously. I fell into the car with an irritated huff, standing half-mast and knowing there was nowhere to go but down.

"Aw, come on," Duo teased, so damn self-satisfied that he had the upper hand. "You enjoyed it."

He knew I did so I saw no reason to give him any more satisfaction with a response. Instead I shifted uncomfortably and settled in for a wonderful five-hour car ride to Sanc.

Between my dark thoughts and Duo's off-key singing I was just about ready to jump out of the car by the time we pulled up to an expansive cottage. Relena's idea of a cottage. A three-story structure with balconies and fifteen windows across positioned on what I guessed was ten acres of land replete with manicured bushes and fenced in flowers.

Her and her fiancé Edward – husband, likely, at this point – were standing in the doorway as Duo parked and I limped out behind him.

They met us halfway to the house, Relena striding forward with intensity written across her face. But unfortunately, I missed the deep seated anger, although apparently Duo didn't, because he side-stepped and only moments later, before I had a chance to process his action, I felt the startling sting of her back-handing me across the face.

"You selfish  _bastard_!" she snapped at me, visibly shaking as she restrained herself and I stared at her in surprise.

I heard the throaty sound of Duo's genuine laughter pass me as he walked over to Edward, placed a hand on his shoulder – Edward's surprised look surely mimicking my own – and told him they 'oughta give us a minute,' sparing a sympathetic glance in my direction and shaking his head before leaving me with the pissed off former queen.

"Relena," I started smoothly, hoping to pacify her.

"No!" she interrupted, not allowing me to finish. "Somewhere along the way I learned to expect that you would break your promises to me, but to  _him_? I accepted that you didn't love me years ago, I even managed to be happy for you. I thought you found someone that understood you and accepted you." She laughed shortly, perversely. "Ah, how foolish I was! I should've been worried about him, not you, because no matter what you'll just disregard everyone else's feelings in favor of your own selfish motives." She hit me with a horrible look that made me feel instantaneous guilt. Not that I hadn't felt enough of that over the past few weeks anyway. "How could you leave him like that?"

"I had a good reason," I retorted bitterly, not wanting her narrow-minded, idealistic opinion on my actions.

"He loves you." I noted her eyes starting to water and I was stunned at the level of compassion she was showing for Duo. He understated their friendship greatly. "Truly  _loves_  you, not some idealized version the way I did, not some knight in shining armor, but  _you_ , and you just walked away from that."

"I had my reasons," I repeated angrily, taking a step forward with the intent to walk past her, but she held out a hand to stop me.

"How could you do that?" Christ, but she wouldn't let up. No one was as persistent as she was. " _How_? If you don't love him enough to stay this time you better just walk away right now because I won't let you hurt him again."

"Don't you think I might have left  _because_  I love him?" I growled, failing to see how this was any of her business in the first place but tired of being accused of not loving him when the feeling had been practically crushing me under its oppressive weight since I woke up in the hospital over four weeks ago.

I had finally seemed to derail her, though, and she looked at me critically. I shifted my weight, uncomfortable from standing on my recovering knee for so long, and crossed my arms over my chest. A bit defensive, maybe, but old habits die hard.

"You have a lot of explaining to do," she informed me as she drew herself up to full height, giving me the distinct impression she was trying to look down her nose at me despite being several inches shorter.

"Can I do it with Duo?" I asked, running a hand over my face wearily.

She gave me one last hard glance before escorting me into the mansion and across to the large patio out back where Duo was reclined in a seat with his boots up on the table, chugging back iced tea and expounding at length upon Edward. It was so normal. He looked so normal. Like none of this had ever happened. Like he was still my lover, this was just a day trip, and we'd return to Lyon together, climb into bed together, and laugh about Relena slapping me.

But that was ridiculous so I sat down next to him and Relena sat between her husband and me.

"I was just telling Ed what a stubborn bastard you are," Duo chuckled, shaking his head, but there was a certain hardness in his eyes when looked at me that I knew all too well. Duo had no allies, he was his own man, and even those he loved could become enemies if they crossed him just once. "Pushing yourself around that apartment with a busted knee and five cracked ribs. Stupid, stubborn bastard."

I took a deep breath and steeled myself. I had a feeling I was about to be torn apart by everyone sitting at that table, sooner or later. Although I suppose Edward didn't have an issue with me. That I was aware of.

"But that's neither here nor there," Duo waved diplomatically. "Unfortunately, this ain't a social call. We gotta get to L6."

"So he's going to take you with him this time?" Relena asked in a demure way, without sparing a glance for me. I knew was one of those scathing, underhanded comments politicians employed.

"Wouldn't have believed it if the words hadn't have come straight from his lips," Duo quipped back with an evil smirk. "Still can't be sure."

"L6 isn't an easy place to get into." Relena spared me another character judgment.

"Neither is Heero Yuy but I've gotten in  _there_  more than once." Duo drummed the table triumphantly while Relena tittered, Edward looked horrified, and I finally gave in to the urge to roll my eyes.

At this point, I would've just taken over this conversation, but Duo was doing much better with Relena than I had been up to that moment and I was afraid that if I asked for anything I would immediately be denied. So I had to leave it in his more than capable hands, even if that meant more than one crude joke at my expense.

"Well, you're likely going to have to go in disguised," she mused after regaining her composure.

"That's the plan," Duo agreed, swirling his ice in his cup. "Or just stow away. I'm cool with that too."

"Too risky," Relena stated absolutely. "I've heard of how they check those ships on docking. Even for you... it would be nearly impossible to pass by unnoticed. Not only that, but they have rigorous daily checks of all their employees  _and_  random worksite inspections." She shook her head.

"So we'll go in as employees," Duo shrugged, flicking his eyes in my direction. "'Ro can get us in, right?"

It was the first time he'd used my nickname since we'd been reunited. I tried not to stare. "I am confident," I said simply.

"I'm not," Relena replied, shaking her head. "I don't think it would be so easy to hack into their system. If they're that strict on security... It might not matter though."

We both gave her a questioning look as she stared thoughtfully at Edward. They seemed to come to some kind of agreement because she finally looked up at Duo.

"Nexxus is recruiting pretty heavily right now, but they're having some problems," she explained. "Their security clearance for construction workers is abnormally high. Much higher than is reasonable for the jobs they're looking for. Frankly, we all know most construction workers these days are either old soldiers with little education or failed rehabilitation attempts or just people hard up from the war. Not exactly types that can get clearance and they're having a difficult time hiring to capacity through the normal channels.

"I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but Edward works with the European Unit of the ESUN on human welfare projects which includes employment initiatives. They approached Edward – privately – with some... 'unique' propositions that he categorically declined."

Duo raised a speculative eyebrow and I couldn't help but scowl. Great. A shady company gets even shadier.

"How unique can it get? They're looking for construction workers," Duo stated dismissively.

"They're looking for a slave workforce," Edward interjected, the first time I'd heard him speak today.

" _What_?" Duo asked, incredulous, almost choking on his tea. "How do they think they're gonna manage that?"

"Memory reconstruction," Edward had answered simply, but I felt my mouth go dry and my stomach churn. Did I play some part in this? Were they going to utilize my technique to brainwash people into building their fucking colony?

"What do you mean, memory reconstruction?" Duo prodded.

I noted how his eyes flicked towards me so quickly you would have missed it if you hadn't known him as intimately as I did. He certainly knew a bit more than I told him, but I wondered to what extent Jack knew. What he had shared.

"They explained to me they had a process whereby they could reshape a person's memories and implant a false persona over top. A persona that could work happily on L6 with no other desires until the job was done. Then, they would remove that persona and send them on their way with no memory of what they'd done."

Edward sounded truly disgusted by the concept. I was equally disgusted – but mostly because I was pretty sure whoever approached Edward was lying. I couldn't figure out how Jack had come to the conclusion that brain trauma would reset me, but I counted myself lucky that it actually worked with seemingly little side effect. The consequences could've been much,  _much_  worse.

All I knew was the procedure I created was meant to be permanent.

"So what? Just scrounge up some citizens they think have pretty shitty lives, scramble their brains a bit, give 'em a shiny new life working on the colony? What kind of bullshit is that?" Duo asked, sitting up in his chair and facing Edward directly, anger written all over his face.

"They said it could be 'consensual,'" Edward explained with a grimace.

"They want people to  _volunteer_?!" Duo's voice was growing louder and under normal circumstances I would've placed a hand on his shoulder or knee or something to ground him. He may not have had borderline personality, but his emotions could very easily get out of hand, especially since the war when he didn't have the constant outlet of missions and physical activity to exhaust him. "Why the fuck didn't you call them out on this?"

"Who would we go to? We're as high up as it gets!" Even I could detect the helplessness and frustration in Edward's voice.

"The fuckin' media for starters!" Duo burst out but Relena was quickly taking over for an emotionally compromised Edward.

"They made him sign all kinds of confidentiality agreements before they even discussed the offer," Relena stepped in diplomatically, putting her hand over Edward's protectively. "They threatened to get him removed from his position if he told  _anyone_. We've done so much good here; Sanc's employment numbers are rising all the time – as well as the rest of Europe. Overall our numbers are up twenty percent in the two years Ed's been there. We decided it was better just to avoid them. He's done so much good for the European Unit..."

Duo simmered. I could tell he was thinking over plenty of retorts and biting his tongue on each one.

"How does this help us?" I stepped in once it became obvious that Duo wasn't going to be able to compose himself enough to reprise the conversation.

"We could still offer them some employees with clean records that could qualify for security clearance," Relena suggested with no small amount of hesitation.

"Fuck that," Duo replied definitively. "I'm not giving those fuckers half a chance to fuck with my head, let alone 'Ro's!" He shook his head so hard his braid jerked back and forth behind him.

Well, I knew that Nexxus made an attempt on his life – even if he didn't quite realize that's what they'd done –  _and_  I knew that he knew enough about Jack to know that I'd messed with my own head to create him. He might even suspect that I was in league with Nexxus when I'd done it. But neither Relena nor Edward knew any of that and they stared at him with unabashed curiosity at his strong reaction.

"But they wouldn't have to," I argued. "We could give ourselves clean new records and be handed over as a peace offering by Edward. Maybe get a few other volunteers with nothing left after the war. Wipe their slates clean for them and swear them to secrecy. Tell Nexxus that you can offer them employees without requiring their extreme methods."

Duo looked at me pointedly. Edward was agreeing with my suggestion but I was enraptured by those eyes, pushing his concern onto me. Now we knew there was obviously something on L6 – something big. Something they didn't want  _anyone_  to know about. Four years ago he would've never backed down from something as suspicious as this. Even if I hadn't been recruited by Nexxus for my knowledge on ZERO, it would still be suspicious as hell that they were threatening a politician into sending bodies to L6 for what basically amounted to reformatting. I wondered how many other people in the ESUN they'd approached.

"But what if they mess with our minds against our will?" Duo asked, his voice sounding just a bit thin. His eyes changed then. Fear. Noted. "I just found – I can't – you fucking know what I mean," he muttered, dropping his eyes and grabbing his glass as a distraction, understandably not wanting to go into a big explanation in front of Relena. I sure as hell didn't want to.

"It's a chance we'll have to take," I answered firmly. I wanted to reach out to him and reassure him, but remembering that mean look in his eyes earlier and the way he'd avoided my touch at every turn over the past month stopped me.

"Shit, no we don't," he growled, looking off across the lawn, deep in thought. I gave him a moment, unable to help but wonder if he was wishing we were back in Lyon, wishing he'd never heard the name Nexxus.

"No,  _we_  don't," Duo restated, completely sure of himself, no doubt in his voice as he turned back to look at me, then Relena. "We don't have to do this. The war is over. This isn't our fight. There are people we can notify. Une. Someone. I'm not fucking doing this."

And then he was standing and walking back into the house. I was standing and Relena was standing but I motioned her to stay with my hand, giving her a look that clearly said that this was between us. I was grateful she didn't argue for once and instead, settled back down to share a worried look with Edward while I went after him.

"Duo," I called when I found him starting off across the front lawn. "You're just going to leave me here?"

He paused and reluctantly turned to look at me. The keys were in his hand. "Maybe," he admitted. Then changed his mind. "Yeah. I guess I was."

"You really don't have to do this," I told him frankly. "But I do. Even if there's nothing else on L6, which I seriously doubt, I can't have Nexxus using my brain reconstruction technique to destroy other people's lives."

I said it. I'd just come straight out and said it and the shocked look on Duo's face quickly shifted to pain and then determination.

"Why do they  _always_  matter more than me?" he asked bluntly, crossing his arms over his chest again defensively.

I scowled. Duo wasn't usually prone to this type of pettiness, but then he rarely doubted my affection. Not since the war. Not since I left Relena for Preventer. Not since we became official and I dedicated myself to making sure he would never doubt me again.

For all the fucking good that did.

"This whole damned situation is about you," I ground out, not wanting to disclose the whole truth but seeing no way around it. "They tried to  _kill_  you. Don't you get that? That shuttle explosion wasn't an accident. They broke their promise to me and tried to kill you. I'm going to find out what they're hiding and I'm going to make them pay."

Then Duo looked very uncertain. I knew the way he thought, knew that he had probably tried to convince himself from the very moment heard about the explosion that it was an accident. Tried to override his innate paranoia, that piece of him that allowed him to survive the street, survive the war. But this time, I was sure it was right.

"Is that why you left me? Because they were going to kill me?"

The sound of my silence after his question was deafening. I hadn't wanted to divulge that much, my weakness, my inability to control myself or ZERO. But the look on his face, so desperate to know why I would just abandon him, needing to have a reason that was grounded in fact and not emotional suspicion about his worth...

"No," I answered honestly and the crushed look on his face was nearly unbearable. I would've reached out and kissed him, held him, but in light of the confession I was about to make, it didn't seem prudent. " _I_  was going to kill you."

I almost couldn't bear to keep my eyes on his as they changed to a certain kind of horror I'd rarely seen on his face. Even when I was holding a gun on him in an OZ prison, intent on killing him, he didn't look as horrified. But he had to know, needed to know that I was serious.  _I_  was afraid. I wouldn't have left him if there had been any other choice, if I wasn't truly terrified that I would hurt him.

And the truth was... I was  _still_  terrified. I hadn't had any vision from ZERO since the fall, but that didn't mean I wouldn't. That didn't mean I wouldn't still hurt him.

"Heero...?" His voice was small, lost, and I knew he felt like everything he knew was crumbling around him. At least, that's how the confession felt to me.

Fuck. If only I could kiss him, hold him, feel him solidly underneath me, it just seemed like everything would be so much easier.

"I almost  _killed_  you," I whispered, unable to look at him any longer.

My chest ached far worse than the cracked ribs ever did and I just wanted this moment to be over. Wanted him to leave or attack me or do whatever it was he felt he had to do to protect himself from me.

"When?" he asked quietly. I dared not look at him.

"A few months after the cabin," I confessed, only realizing in that moment how my hands had been clenched into fists.

"Why?" His voice was just as quiet and unsure as before.

"Something happened to me. I think the jet ski accident triggered residual effects of ZERO in my head and I..." I paused, swallowing hard as memories of that night came back to me. The way I cradled my gun against his temple. "Quatre and I tried to fix it, but we couldn't. And when I woke up with my gun trained on you I..."

I panicked. I lost all control. I couldn't cope. I did everything that Heero Yuy would've never done, should've never done. The threat was too close to home, too personal. And I panicked. I shut down.

"Fuck," he said simply. Duo. Always so damned eloquent.

And suddenly my knees felt weak. I don't know. Maybe it was a combination of all the strong emotions and how out of shape I was and the fact that my knee was still recovering but I felt myself start to crumple and on the way down a memory seared into my brain.

_I was talking, standing with Duo, on a balcony, and he was smoking, and upset. Really upset. "My love for you is pure, unadulterated. Maybe I was selfish at times and maybe I'm not enough for you but... Heero left me all of his love – for you."_

But  _I_  was Heero...? Strong arms were leading me down to the ground, helping me straighten my leg so that I wouldn't hurt it.

_"I just need you to know that. That I loved you honestly. That I never meant for any of this. I just want you to be happy. I know that's all Heero wanted when he created me."_

I buried my head against my other, bent knee, the splitting headache from the memory forcing its way through my fucked up head, my ribs aching as I breathed heavily. It had to be Jack's memory. He knew. He understood my motives and he told Duo. Hopefully Duo understood. Hopefully he understood...

And then Duo's arm was wrapped around my shoulder, pulling me close into him, his head resting against mine and I felt my throat constrict with the amount of emotion I couldn't control in this ridiculous, pathetic state I was in. God, how I needed that touch. That familiarity. The touch of the only person I'd ever let close to me, the only person I ever trusted to touch me like that.

"If you only knew the shit I thought," Duo said quietly and I envied his composure. "Mostly I thought that I did something to drive you away. I mean, after Relena's wedding and I gave up all hope that you were ever coming back..." I felt him squeeze me a bit tighter with those depressed words. "I thought just me, being who I was, was so repulsive to you that you couldn't handle it anymore and would rather separate yourself from all of us than have to deal with me any longer. I felt so hollow. So alone."

"No," I choked out hoarsely, embarrassed by how my voice sounded. "For months I watched you die by my hands so many times. Over and over." I could feel that I was shaking and he turned his face into mine so that his nose pressed against my cheek, comforting me.

"I'm still scared," I admitted. "Scared it'll start again."

I found my head falling on his shoulder and I buried my face into his neck, feeling so damned guilty as I breathed in the warm and earthy scent of him. Warm. Alive. Maybe I had hurt him, but he was still alive. For now.

I only realized I was crying when my breathing became difficult and the pain in my ribs became nearly unbearable. It was hard for me to even think of my actions as pathetic because for fucks sake I nearly killed him. I nearly killed this handsome, funny, intelligent, generous, caring man.

I nearly killed the man I  _loved_.

And though I knew that, knew it from the moment I'd woken up in the hospital, I had never felt it like that. All that shit came back to me then. All the fear, living every day wondering if that day would be the day that I would actually do it. The day I'd actually kill him.

Eventually I felt myself start to calm down as I focused on the thought that I'd succeeded in protecting him thus far. And I tried to take a few deep breaths but it hurt. I guess Duo knew I was coming back to myself again because he brought his hand up from where it was holding my shoulder to ruffle my hair.

"We've got an audience," he mumbled, an amused hint in his voice. But then he was serious. "Just... If it starts up again, just tell me. Like you should've in the first place."

The words hurt though they contained no venom. Maybe I should've told him. Hindsight is 20/20. But I'm not sure I would've done anything differently. It was hard enough to tell him now, and we're not even together. If he had walked out on me then...

Well. That realization made me feel like a bit more than a total dick.

He stood then and helped me up. We approached the house to meet Relena at the front door. She was clearly surprised and worried and led us down to a little bathroom so I could freshen up.

How goddamned humiliating.

I leaned heavily on the sink, staring at my puffy red eyes, and fought down the urge to shatter my reflection. I really had to get a fucking grip if I was going to infiltrate L6 and find out what Nexxus was up to as well as protect Duo. From them and myself.

I poured cool water over the hand towel and pressed it to my face. It was soothing and it helped settle my turbulence. I realized then that Relena and Duo were arguing outside and I quieted my breathing to focus on them.

"– should be the one who's upset. He should be comforting you out there!"

"You don't understand," Duo defended himself. "I've had plenty of years to distance myself from –"

"Well, so did he!" Relena snapped impatiently.

Duo paused. I knew he didn't want to have to tell her the truth without my permission, even if it would get her off his back.

"Look, 'Lena, I appreciate the concern, but I can handle Heero Yuy. Always could." He chuckled introspectively. "I sought out his shit. Even as a fifteen-year-old kid I knew he was trouble, that even if he was capable of something like reciprocal love he'd eventually break my heart. Didn't stop me. So the disappearing act for a coupla years? Ain't gonna stop me either."

" _Four_  years!" Relena reminded him petulantly.

"Drop in the bucket." There was silence between them and I would've laughed at the image of Relena's flabbergasted face my mind supplied if I wasn't so foolishly enamored by Duo's replies.

"That's love," Duo finally said quietly, so low I almost missed it. "That's the dumbfuck kinda love I feel for that man."

"You're impossible!" she huffed back and I took that opportunity to finish up and walk out, deliberately acting calm and composed, as if I hadn't just heard their argument or Duo confessing that he still loved me.

"Am I interrupting something?" I asked coolly, channeling a me from years past as I inspected them.

"Nah, man. Just ready to get this show on the road and start talkin' 'bout how  _we_  are gonna infiltrate Nexxus." Duo smiled and seemed to be all warmth to my cold. His eyes betrayed him and I saw something there I hadn't seen for what felt like a very long time.

 _Affection_.

Definitely noted.


	18. 2.5 The Interlude

We had a lot to accomplish in a fairly short amount of time. The four of us decided at the cottage that Edward would reach out to Nexxus and offer ten men who could pass a background check and get security clearance. He said he knew some men from his involvement in White Fang who he could trust to keep their mouths shut if we wiped the dark spots from their pasts and gave them an opportunity for a new life, even if it involved something as dull as colony construction.

I felt like the risk of our minds being reformatted under those circumstances was low and acceptable. Edward would be sure to let Nexxus know he would be considering their offer but that he wanted to hear from us ten first to see how the memory procedure affected those already working on the colony, acting quite contrite about his quick refusal. Surely no one agreed right away, at least Duo and Relena both hoped as much.

So Edward and Relena returned to their palatial home to carry out their half of the plan and Duo and I, unfortunately, returned to his apartment. I was greeted with the heartrending memory of kissing him desperately on that couch as soon as I entered. It was as though my mind saw fit to mock me, showing me visions of what I couldn't have. But I resigned myself to sleeping on said couch for the next week and giving Duo his space.

Duo, for his part, was managing rather well considering the circumstances. He was still distant and introspective and sometimes when he looked at me I could tell that he was still pretty damned angry. But then he didn't spend the whole war warning people away from his wrath, calling himself the God of Death, and killing without a cause for nothing. Duo held on to his anger like it was a life force, propelling him forward through his pain so that he didn't have to feel the low or the heartache of it, just the hot adrenaline of unadulterated rage. By contrast I boxed up my feelings and disposed of them, all of them. Hurt and anger were an equal distraction to me.

Unfortunately, as I adapted to civilian life, allowed myself to open up to the idea of love and not just mutually infatuated sex, I found compartmentalizing my feelings to become more and more difficult. Instead, I began to rely on Duo to help me cope with them the way he began to rely on me to help manage his. He was so forthright and understanding and he lacked any judgment when it came to me. He accepted me wholesale, despite my tortured and abnormal outlook on life. It took us a while to work it out – our stubborn and overbearing personalities warred with each other daily in the beginning. I quickly lost count of the number of times we beat the shit out of each other before he slammed the door on me and turned up drunk the next day on someone else's couch. Especially during that regrettable, mistaken time, I still viewed Relena as a mission and answered to her every demand in desperation to hold on to some semblance of a life I thought was normal.

Despite Duo's best efforts to point it out to me – although frankly he was suffering from deficient communication in the same way I was, unable to get through to me as he could only explain himself in emotional ways foreign to me – I didn't  _really_  understand until I accidentally overheard Relena and Milliardo discussing my employment.

"You can't keep him here," Milliardo was explaining to her gently. "You can't keep him hanging on to his past or he'll never have a future."

"What future is there for him without  _me_?"

Even despite my emotionally stunted perspective at that point in time I could tell from her voice that she was verging on tears.

Milliardo was silent a long time then. So long I almost walked past the open doorway, thinking the conversation was over. But just as I was about to move, he spoke.

"I think Duo Maxwell is his future."

The words were cautious but I felt my heart slam in my chest as I heard them. Duo? The guy who stormed out on me last night after we'd fucked and who wandered in with a hangover this morning as I was leaving? I felt sure Milliardo was mistaken. I never thought of him as long term at that point, but I guess I hadn't much thought of my life as long term either, then. I wanted him to explain himself. I wanted him to tell me what he thought my future was because if it didn't involve protecting Relena then I didn't have a damned clue what I was good for.

"That pilot? His roommate?" Relena asked incredulously.

At least _I_ could admit we were more than roommates. Though I wouldn't have called him my boyfriend, exactly, or maybe even acknowledged our relationship at all to anyone else.

"Relena," Milliardo said sensitively, "I'm fairly certain they are  _more_  than roommates." She didn't say anything and I couldn't see her expression so I wasn't sure what she thought of that. I wondered how the hell Milliardo of all people knew about us. "He's the only pilot who stuck around. Why do you think that is? It's not like Duo didn't have other places he could've gone."

When Milliardo uttered those words I felt a way I had only felt a few times before. I felt like I couldn't breathe. Like I was making a mistake. A mistake with astronomical consequences. Everything had become clear to me in that instant. Duo  _did_  have other places to be. He  _could_  have left me permanently any of those times he walked out that door over the past few months. He could've gone back to Hilde. He could've  _never_  come back. And the feeling that left me with, the feeling of loneliness and fear I felt imaging our apartment without him far outweighed my feeling of uselessness after the war.

Relena was arguing something but I was sliding down the wall, holding myself tightly, unable to fight the painful feeling in my chest as I thought about never seeing his face again. Not his radiant smile, not that handsome scowl. No teasing or fighting. No touching. Just me. Alone. And fuck but I didn't want to be  _alone_  any more.

I'm not sure how long I sat there, listening but not listening to their argument, wrapped in the insecurities in my head, before I realized that I hadn't made the mistake yet. That Duo was probably passed out on the couch right at that very instant, waiting for me to get home so we could kiss and fuck and he wouldn't have to think about his own pain any more.

Why didn't I see it before? This wasn't any easier for him than it was for me. And it was then that I realized all of my counting his transgressions was petty and immature. He was fighting to regain some grip on reality just as hard as I was and he was fighting me on top of it.

I remember how I felt dazed as I made my way back to the apartment, quitting my job without a single word to anyone, just hoping that I was able to repair our ship before it sank, not knowing what the hell I was going to do to prevent that.

I remember how I found him when I got back, passed out on the bathroom floor, looking rough as hell and the whole room stank of sick but I hardly noticed. I gathered him up into my arms and held him for a long time until he came to. As soon as his eyes cracked open I announced that I had quit. Confusion beset his face quickly and he rubbed his eyes with one hand, swallowing hard.

"Come again?" he asked at last. "Room's 'till a little wobbly."

"How much did you drink?" I chided.

Although I'm sure my words were as cold as they ever were, I didn't mean them unkindly. In fact, just the opposite. I was genuinely concerned. Even though Duo was often hung over in those days, he was rarely sick.

"'Nuff to forget," he muttered and closed his eyes.

I didn't ask him what he wanted to forget, although I was curious. Our argument last night wasn't the worst we'd had, if anything it was typical, so I wondered what made it more worthy of being forgotten than all the others.

Then he was cracking one eye open to study me. "Wait – whadja say jus' now?"

"I quit," I repeated. "I'm not working for her anymore."

Duo sat straight up then and stared at me like I might spontaneously combust. The blood drained from his face and I couldn't tell if it was from shock or the sudden movement in his ill state.

"What?" he asked quietly, disbelieving.

"I quit." And in a bold move, spurred on by the eloquence of Milliardo and my own glaring deficiencies I repeated what he told to Relena. "She's my past.  _You_  are my future."

At that time I had no idea what the contortions on his face meant or the way he blinked and narrowed his eyes. I decided in that long, terrifying moment that if he would accept that as an apology I would dedicate myself to understanding that face as well as I understood Wing's cockpit.

Then he stood quickly, pitching forward against the counter, obviously not having regained his balance from the effects of mass alcohol consumption, and I stared in confusion as he furiously brushed his teeth. It seemed particularly out of context and he turned to meet my stare after rinsing out his mouth and slamming the brush down on the counter.

"I almost gave up on you," he stated and it sounded like an apology.

But I hardly heard the words because no sooner had they left his mouth than he was falling on top of me, kissing me hard, bruising my lips with his own.

I hadn't realized I was so caught up in my memories until Duo was snapping his fingers in my face.

"Oy! 'Ro! Where are ya, buddy?" he asked curtly and I stared up into his eyes. His expression softened then. I guess my eyes showed him something about what I'd been thinking. "Just wanna know what you want for dinner as this is our last meal before our enslavement on L6."

I sighed. "Just order pizza or something."

He cocked his head to the side and studied me for a long minute. "You hate pizza."

"But you love it," I responded without thinking. I didn't really care and I wasn't really hungry.

"This ain't a dictatorship," Duo replied automatically in a teasing tone of voice, "it's a democratic monarchy."

But as the final words were leaving his lips we both looked a bit horrified. It was something he said to me frequently when I would predict his desires and give in to them without a second thought. He seemed to think I was being masochistic or insincere, but most of the time I really just didn't care. And if it made him happy, so be it.

"Duo –" I started but he was turning away from me, picking up the phone.

"I'll order you a gyro," he explained, brushing me away with one hand as he dialed.

I followed him with my eyes as he disappeared from sight and then I listened as he placed the order and opened the fridge to grab a beer.

This was the shit I was bad at. I knew I should go to him and say... something. Maybe what I said to him that day our relationship changed? That I still wanted him to be my future. But the difficulty of dealing with him and my emotions and his emotions seemed overwhelming and I just wanted to shut down to save myself the struggle. But on the other hand my fear of losing him and his familiarity and our relationship, our lives, was equally overwhelming.

And then he was coming back like nothing happened, a beer in both hands and he offered me one. I took it and immediately set it down on the coffee table while he threw his back.

"I never wanted you to be my past," I said bluntly and he paused mid-swig and cracked his eyes open at me. Then the bottle was leaving his lips and he fell back on the couch next to me. He threw his feet up on the coffee table and picked at the label on the bottle a moment.

"Maybe you shoulda thought about that before fucking up your head and disappearing."

"I did," I replied coolly. "That's why I left Jack."

Duo snorted and rolled his eyes. "Oh, yeah, real smart move there."

"But you were with him," I pointed out, already growing frustrated with this conversation.

"I wouldn't go that far." Duo finished the beer. "We went on a few dates, that's all." Then he was up and moving around the room.

I watched as he picked up a gun from his bookshelf amongst all the gadgetry strewn across it, opened the barrel, gave it a once over and clicked it shut.

"Wish we could take some fuckin' firearms," he muttered under his breath before setting it back down and walking back to the kitchen for what I assume would be another beer. Duo reentered with a new drink and stared at me.

"You try going on a few dates with a person you love but know nothing about. Someone you spent years tortured over who doesn't even recognize you." The anger in his voice and eyes was unmistakable. " _Fuck_ you, man."

He walked out of the room and left me alone with my thoughts for a minute. Although part of me may have thought I could've handled the whole situation differently years ago, I couldn't truly regret it as he was safe and I appeared to be fixed – at least as far as ZERO was concerned. If he couldn't forgive me for the drastic measures I had to take to achieve that, we would both have to live with that reality. Fine. But then maybe he shouldn't be coming with me. He compromised me emotionally and he certainly was going to compromise himself if he couldn't control his anger.

I heard him before I saw him but suddenly he was charging back into the room, fire in his eyes, words flying out of his mouth at the speed of light.

"I know you were just trying to protect me but just fucking  _think_  about what that did to me! How I felt.  _Try_  to understand how I feel for once – !"

And then I  _was_  feeling him as he threw himself into my lap, straddling me in such a similar way as how that memory presented itself to me over a week ago, as if it were a premonition instead, because he was pressing his lips to mine roughly.  _Fuck_  but it felt good to have him on me again, his solid body underneath my hands, his needy tongue roving my mouth. I felt so weak under him, like he was fire – melting me, and I knew I was shaking as my hands slid up his shirt and across the muscled expanse of his back.

We were both panting by the time we pulled apart and I stared at him as if he were an idol and I was privileged to worship him. I noted the way he blushed, his sensitivity to my intensity.

And then he scowled, hauled back, and punched me.

My head snapped to the side and I was completely caught off guard. I don't know how I forgot how fast he could move but I did. I didn't forget his strength, though, and I knew that wasn't the hardest punch he could throw. Regardless, it still hurt.

"Shit!" I cursed and turned my head back around to glare at him.

But fucked up as I was I wasn't actually angry. Frustrated, yeah, and hard. I was hard, harder than if he'd just kept kissing me. And when my heated eyes met his I saw my lust reflected there.

And then we were kissing again, his hands pulling painfully at my hair, and my hands were on his hips, pressing them down so that I could grind into his ass and he was rocking them back and forth over me, jerking forward into my abs, desperate for some kind of friction. I wanted to throw him backwards onto the coffee table and fuck him senseless but my ribs were already sore with my labored breathing and I didn't think I could lift him even that short distance with my knee as it was.

 _Fuck_  this was some serious bullshit!

I found my hands fumbling with his pants instead, hoping to at least manage a hand job. Or that he would stand and I could feel him in my mouth again. Just the thought of it made me groan in desperation.

This is what we were good at, this was us, our relationship, and hell yeah I wanted to reprise that. The sweetness  _and_  the sex, the adoration  _and_  the abuse. His love  _and_  his hate.

I wanted  _this_. I wanted it all back.

With shaky fingers I had barely managed to reach into his pants to help release him from that constrictive prison when the doorbell rang.

"Holy goddamned  _fuck_ ," Duo growled, eyes wide with surprise and he was off of me instantaneously, sucking in deep calming breaths as he zippered his pants back up carefully, taking a huge swing of his beer, trying to straighten his clothes. My heart was racing and I wanted to grab him and drag him onto the floor, force him to stay here with me, not let him go that easily but he was already at the door forking over money for our food.

He set it on the coffee table before disappearing down the hallway for a moment, muttering something about magnets, and I stroked my aching dick through my pants in frustration. When he came back he seemed more collected, to my extreme disappointment. I wondered if he'd jerked off and the thought of it made me angry and hard all over again. And I wasn't that hungry to begin with, at least not for food. Duo brought back yet another beer from the kitchen and a mean spirited little part of me wanted him to get trashed enough to be that vulnerable again because the determined set of his jaw and the way he sat down across from me on the floor let me know that he wasn't going to slip up that easily again.

Then he was eating his pizza with full concentration and I forced myself to eat my gyro with practiced methodic movements. He wouldn't look at me, but I couldn't  _not_  look at him. Finally he finished off his second beer, slammed it on the table, then looked at me.

"That was a mistake. I'm still mad."

I nodded. I didn't agree, and I think he knew that, it was just an acknowledgement that I'd heard him.

"It's been a long time since we've done a mission together."

I frowned. Not to me it hadn't. I mean, this was certainly different, but our last mission was only a few weeks before I woke up in the hospital.

"Not to you, I know, but whatever. Not important. I just – we need to trust each other. I guess it's a little too late for that now, but I'm having a hard time trusting you. You need to know that."

I was nodding again. "We'll keep it professional."

Duo heaved a sigh of relief and popped the bottle cap off the third beer on the edge of the table. "Good."

Although I didn't say it, I made a silent promise to him that I wouldn't leave him alone. I would be there every step of the way, protecting him, making sure he made it out of there with his memory and body intact.

We  _would_  reprise this. Tonight gave me just enough hope that it was still possible.


	19. 2.6 The Infiltration

Contrary to popular belief, I am capable of making mistakes. Not only am I capable of making them, I am more than capable of feeling the effects of those mistakes acutely.

And as we sat on that shuttle headed to L6, I was positive I was making a serious mistake.

Of course, you wouldn't be able to tell. Hell, even Duo, the person who knew me better than any other person on the planet, wouldn't have been able to tell. I am able to wall myself in enough indifferent over-confidence that I was sure he was ignorant to how nervous I was as he chatted with the guy sitting next to him.

I really wanted him off this damned shuttle. I wondered why I invited him in the first place. Oh yeah, I remembered. Love. The same damned love that endangered him in the first place and put us in this stupid position. Doctor J was right. Love is an absolutely dangerous emotion, not to be engaged in recklessly.

This was surely a suicide mission. What made me think we would be able to get off the damned colony if we even got in? Nexxus had profiles of us in their databases – pictures of him and I, descriptions of our personalities – they kept track of us. Even though we changed our names and various other details, what really made me think we'd be able to walk right in there without sending up a single red flag? I worked for these guys less than three months ago for Christ's sake and I was sitting on a shuttle full of Nexxus employees! I was endangering Duo. All because I loved him and wanted him with me, the way things used to be. I was endangering him and I couldn't even warn him.

We had to be ready for shit to hit the fan as soon as we walked in there.

I was left to sit in my own thoughts for at least another half hour before he finally wore the other man out with his rambling opinions on various battery powered car engines and fell silent. I knocked my foot into his. He looked up at me, those hard blue eyes curious at the strange move on my part.

"Do you remember Zurich?" I asked softly.

Zurich.

Code for 'epic fail' between us. The only mission we blew absolutely, completely missing the target, losing a busload of children held hostage, and Duo was laid up with an infected, punctured lung for almost three months. I was put on probation and forced to go around as a bodyguard for different political functions as well as required to go to over six months of therapy. It was something we'd rarely discussed after the fact – mostly just when we had to get through the nightmares – but I knew he'd know what I meant when I brought it up.

A weird expression floated across his face – almost a smile, which I couldn't figure considering I knew he took the loss of thirty-eight children between ages five and ten on his watch pretty damn hard. He'd required twelve months of therapy.

"Yeah," he replied, at last, with a huge sigh. "Shoulda asked before I got on this shuttle, man, or I wouldn't be here right now."

My confidence. I knew he was irritated by my misleading confidence. I was used to that frustration. I wasn't used to his reluctance to take a dangerous mission.

"You guys friends?" the man sitting across from us – Lennon? – asked.

I would let Duo handle this, and he knew it. "Yeah, old war buddies, ya know?"

"Ha! Do I ever!" Lennon offered Duo a fist and they bumped their hands together in some weird display of masculine camaraderie I was ignorant of. Neither Trowa nor Wufei would ever bump my fist. That's why I let Duo handle these things. "Ralph and Miguel there –" he thumbed over at the guy sitting next to him and the one sitting next to Duo who'd he'd been in conversation with earlier "– we were with OZ from the very beginning but bailed to join White Fang at the end. Can't even believe it's been almost ten years."

We all nodded at the somber words. Ten years. What did we have to show for it? I sure as hell didn't have the only thing I wanted.

"Nice to get a clean slate." Ralph broke the awkward silence.

"Yeah, been real hard to find work when your only skills are piloting," Lennon agreed easily. "Only so many pilots needed on colony runs and inter-earth routes."

"And you can't exactly put White Fang on a resume," Miguel grumbled dejected.

We all nodded sympathetically and there was a long pause before Duo started talking again. "You guys all pilots then?" The three nodded and Duo grinned. "Yeah, Ron and I too." He jerked a thumb to indicate me. Ron. What a horrible alias. Duo picked it out, cackling about how he'd still be able to call me 'Ro. "Not as illustrious as piloting for White Fang. We were just ground troops for OZ. Things got real iffy there at the end, ya know? Not even sure who we were workin' for."

Duo and Lennon shared a chuckle as Ralph and Miguel smiled on. I remained completely indifferent, taking in the back-story Duo was creating for us.

"Didn't catch your name," Lennon asked of Duo.

Duo made an apologetic face and held out a hand, which Lennon accepted with a shake. "Drake. Drake Johnson."

They talked amongst themselves for the rest of the voyage. Sometimes I got a questioning glance but none of them asked the reason for my silence. Probably thought I was some PTSD case and that my past was worse than theirs so they should just mind their own business. Miguel wasn't exactly the most talkative guy either. Maybe they understood.

After Duo, and with his help, I began to form an understanding of the way people saw me. Not that I cared to any degree, but it did make the unfortunate reality of social interaction easier. I was okay with them ignoring me. I was okay being a PTSD poster child in their eyes. Duo was always better at social engineering and interpersonal recon anyway.

Duo was always better than me at a lot of things.

Eventually we were docking into what appeared to be the only completed docking bay of the only piece of what would soon become the L6 colony cluster. Duo had whistled at it when he got a glimpse out the window. It was a pretty impressive hunk of metal. A big round ball floating out there in space, spinning slowly to maintain artificial gravity.

I was more impressed by the clean up after the never discussed L5 self-destruction which was quickly and publically swept under the rug – another reminder of a cruel war that no one seemed keen to memorialize. Instead, the entire sector was renamed L6 and I was sure when Nexxus started their planning every politician from Earth to L3 jumped on the opportunity to erase the tragedy even further from the public's memory.

Not that Wufei would ever forget.

Quickly, we were heading out in single file, those of us who were bound for construction work grabbing oversized duffels with meager possessions enclosed. Those in suits and business casual grabbed their small travel suitcases and eyed us warily.

The docking bay was nicely constructed. We wandered down the cool corridor, advertising various slogans on colorful banners with the WEI or Nexxus logo imprinted across them. "A New Colony for a Better Tomorrow." I frowned at an oversized framed poster of Quatre in a smart suit shaking hands with Sergio Caldas – President and CEO of Nexxus International Group. "A Partnership for the Future." What kind of bullshit marketing lingo was that? What did that even  _mean_?

Eventually, we were forced into a paper check and we shuffled to pull out our hiring papers. Those who were already employees lined up to the left to present badges while us ten new hires were forced to the right. Duo was right behind me, joking inappropriately with Lennon about concentration camps. He already found a friend. I fought down a little jealousy that I wouldn't normally have felt if things had been better between us.

There were only three people before me and I was presenting my documentation to the man behind the desk. I stared at him, a cold creeping feeling of recognition seeping through me as I did. I stiffened imperceptibly, ready to be stopped, apprehended, detained. Ready to fight. This had to be someone Jack knew, right? He was tall, engrossed in his work, a thick rusty beard covered his face and his hair was cropped short. His nose looked as though it had been broken before and didn't quite heal right but otherwise his face was almost delicate. I sure as hell didn't recognize him.

But then he was handing back my paperwork and a temporary badge with the dedicated boredom of any assembly line worker. I didn't think twice, I just accepted the documents and moved forward to where the other new hires were waiting with an escort. I had that stupid rushed feeling of a narrow miss and glanced back at Duo who was happily chatting away with the stoic man, getting no reply. This was the part of missions with Duo that I hated. Wasn't like he didn't stand out enough with the braid and all, had to go trying to make nice with everyone.

"Jealous?" Miguel asked and I turned my eyes slowly towards him so that I didn't betray my surprise at how close he was to the truth.

"What?" I bit off as if I hadn't heard him. He just shrugged and turned his eyes back to Duo, who was approaching with a big grin.

"We got barracks assignments!" he teased and pulled out one of his papers, crisp from having just been printed. "C-4," he announced with a whoop. "Whatta wonderful number."

Miguel and I began reviewing our documents to see our assignments and we all appeared to be in the same housing unit. Lennon was too, we learned as he approached after Duo, and so was Ralph.

Once everyone was through security we followed the escort through a cursory tour of our area of L6 and a bit of a more detailed explanation of our particular worksite, titled Delta 2. Then we were lead to 'the barracks' as Duo had affectionately named them and were instructed to meet in the cafeteria for dinner in an hour after which an orientation was to take place with some other men who had arrived earlier that day. I wondered how many men. I wondered if they had arrived earlier to be brainwashed.

It appeared that four out of our team of ten were assigned to fill C-3 and one of the others, who introduced himself as Blair, was to be with us. The room was relatively small, very similar to a barrack in all actuality, six beds, six chests, three on either side of the room, and two toilets, two showers attached at the back. All cool metal, just like the rest of the colony. The structure appeared temporary, though, as if they'd just tear all this down and put houses over it, or skyscrapers, or whatever they'd intended to build, and erase all memory of those who'd constructed the place. An eerie comparison considering the way they intended to erase the memories of those who'd constructed it as well.

Duo served his function as we all put away our things and checked out the space by introducing us all to Blair and chatting him up about how he ended up here as well, although no matter what Blair said, Duo and I knew it was through Edward. I took a bed closest to the door and Duo took the one next to mine, in between Blair and I.

Lennon harassed Duo about not clogging the showers with his hair. Duo harassed Lennon about not cracking the mirror with his ugly face. This lead to any number of good-natured insults about Duo's required preening and teasing retorts from Duo on Lennon's lack of luck with the ladies. I'm sure I stood out with my absolutely absent commentary – even Miguel joined in at times – but no one pointed it out and I suffered through social hour until an announcement came over the PA system that dinner would be served in five minutes.

We all wandered down to the cafeteria stationed just beyond the housing area and I noted that there appeared to be four sections of 12 barracks in our area, though I suspected that this was only one of many construction housings complexes on L6. I would have to make finding blue prints a priority.

The cafeteria had a wide range of food that actually appeared edible. Not that I really cared, though civilian life had made me a bit more picky than I was during the war, but even Duo whistled appreciatively at the selection. I was somewhat surprised by the assortment simply because this was a colony, after all, and everything had to be imported. I suspected this was a way of keeping employee satisfaction high.

I was impressed with the banter Duo managed to maintain through dinner. Although I was sure no one else was able to tell, I knew by the way his smile didn't quite reach his eyes that he was tired, worried, nervous. Probably my warning about Zurich keeping him on edge. I was being hyper-vigilant but we already passed my biggest concern. As long as we continued to pass employee inspections I didn't anticipate that this would blow up in my face.

Eventually we headed out to the orientation and Blair sidled up next to Duo.

"You know that guy, right?" I heard him ask Duo quietly – likely not expecting that I could hear him – and noted Duo's eyes thrown over his shoulder to give me a quick glance. Probably trying to warn me I wasn't being friendly enough. Typical. "What's his deal?"

"Aw, 'Ro's a good guy," Duo apologized for me, meeting Blair's quiet tone, "but the war was real hard on him. Never completely rehabilitated, ya know? He won't bother ya. Unless you call him 'Ro. Only  _I'm_  allowed to call him that." Duo's voice had a hint of self-satisfaction in it. Blair seemed to ease up though and we found seats in a semi-circle of about two hundred and fifty folding chairs that looked like they were sitting in that area on a permanent basis.

In front of us was a short podium with a mic set up and a woman in a smart suit took the so-called stage. Duo leaned back and threw his arms over the back of the seats so that one was resting behind Blair and one behind me. I didn't look at him but I felt his fingers brush my shoulder quickly. 'Everything's okay,' he said. I knew from years of working with him what that touch meant. 'We're doing good. This is going well.'

I took a moment to note that there were about fifty of us new hires as she introduced herself and carried on a little spiel about the mission of L6 and the future of humanity. It seemed a little lofty and over the top to me, but then what did I care about any of that? She went on to describe our schedule, making clear to me just how much like indentured servants we were. Well, we got paid. But otherwise we were to be up and at breakfast by seven. After breakfast we would work until lunch when we would get a two-hour break to eat and rest and then return to work until dinner. After dinner we were free – to do what on a construction site I'm unsure – but then by ten we were expected to be back in our rooms. Sundays were an off day to do laundry and contact our family and friends or socialize amongst ourselves.

She explained that there was no night cycle on the colony right now which I knew had to be about as big a disappointment for Duo as it was for me. No covert ops. She also explained that those of us with the correct backgrounds and experience might get to do some work in space on the hull of the colony, a prospect I might've cared about if I were here honestly and not undercover. She also explained that there was a commissary that carried things like cigarette cartridges, candy, and various forms of entertainment, but no alcohol. For that I was somewhat relieved. I noted that there were only three women amongst us and I considered that would probably lead to many a hormonal pissing match amongst this many men. The last thing the situation needed was chemically impaired judgment.

After about an hour of presentation, we were lined up to receive work clothes and watches to keep track of the time considering there was no night and day. I was thankful for the windowless rooms when we eventually returned to housing complex C-4. The artificial colony light I had once been so accustomed too seemed overbearing with nothing to dampen it.

I took a shower to avoid further socialization and when I got out no one but Miguel was left. He was reading on a tablet and didn't spare a glance for me as I made my way across the room. At first I was thankful for his silence but my curiosity over Duo's location eventually forced me to speak.

"Where did they go?" I asked, staring at him from my bed across the room.

"You mean, where'd Drake go?" he probed and my scowl deepened. When it became obvious I wouldn't grace that with a response, he continued. "They went to look around. I guess to find the commissary. Said they'd be back by ten."

Ah, Duo. Always thinking. He would have a visual map of our whole area by the time he got back tonight. It was times like this I appreciated him as an invaluable partner.

I knew I wouldn't be able to rest until Duo was back – I was still somewhat suspicious of how easily we got through the checkpoint – so I grabbed my own tablet and downloaded the material available to us over the freely accessible intranet on the L6 project, committing it to memory. There were even relatively detailed blue prints of the colony available – but then when you intend to fuck with the head of everyone who's seen them, I suppose it didn't matter if you handed them out or not.

The whole colony appeared to be made up of six concentric rings. The top three outer rings had plans drawn in for residential, commercial, and industrial areas but the middle three were suspiciously blank. I knew logically the very center had to house controls for the colony's functions including the gravity matrix and that not much of anything would be there based on the way artificial gravity was distributed across a sphere. But I had a feeling whatever they were hiding was somewhere in those lower two layers. The weaker gravity would make construction of anything heavy and large easier and it didn't appear that that those layers would be easy to get at either.

It was almost ten when boisterous laughter filled the room. I think Miguel fell asleep while I was meditating on ways to get into the lower levels of L6. I reached over to hit the light over Duo's bed so that they wouldn't be coming in blind and our eyes met for a moment. Duo winked at me, announced he was going to take a shower, gathered some things and was off. And, finally, I was able to fall asleep.


	20. 2.7 The Plan

We spent a slow week learning the schedule of our construction area, feeling the flow of bodies through the housing complex and the cafeteria, learning the expectations placed on our team, testing our roommates' expectations of our behavior as well. We didn't want to do anything that would cause them to become suspicious so we made sure to vary our schedules – where we went, when we went, whether or not we went together – just so they wouldn't have any preconceived notions of our activities that might alarm them if they suddenly changed.

I was actually thankful for the work. It tweaked my knee and ribs something awful but I felt my muscle grow by the day. I was thankful for my genetic modifications, which expedited my muscle repair significantly. And I was thankful for how nice it was just to work beside Duo quietly, hear his playful banter, watch his muscles flex as he moved, rhythmic and deliberate. Occasionally, I would catch him eyeing me as I worked and I tried hard not to let it affect me... but sometimes I would lose myself in a small fantasy that this could be our life. Maybe in some ways it would be better than Lyon. No Preventer missions, no one who knows us, just us. Simple work, simple life.

But I pushed it off and waited patiently for Duo and I to get some time alone together. We tried not to show each other any special favoritism aside from my natural proclivity towards his conversation and his tendency to seek me out in a room first with a warm smile. But nothing that would make us stand out as anything more than close friends. Everyone in our room knew we were friends from before our assignment here and I'm sure they assumed I was some charity case for Duo now. He made sure to spend most of his time with his new friends, cultivating relationships with them, and I often found myself observing traffic patterns, conversations, interactions.

Despite my inability to relate to most people, I could pick up fairly easily on the way people interacted with each other. Not subtle things, not when they were interacting with me, causing me emotional distress, but the tone of their voice, their posturing. Those things were drilled into me. Friend or foe? Flight or fight?

And what I saw I found disconcerting. I needed Duo to help clarify it for me. The only people who heckled, the only people who argued, the only loud and boisterous ones were in our initial group of ten. Was it possible the other two hundred and fifty or so people stationed with us were all so passive? These were ex-military guys, men who couldn't find jobs in offices or retail. I expected showdowns of testosterone filled boredom at least once a week, if not once a day. Hell, if Duo, Wufei, Trowa, and I were in a room longer than an hour without a deck of cards all bets were off on what injuries Sally would be wrapping up. Even then I was sure Duo would find an inventive way to use cards as a weapon if he got bored enough.

We finally got our opportunity on Sunday. I was growing restless with waiting for him to make time for me, despite the necessity of it all. I thought we were going to miss our chance when Lennon invited Ralph, Miguel, and Duo to run a few laps around the housing block, but Duo made a guilty face at me and politely declined. He followed Lennon out and I heard him say something about needing to spend some time with me, all apologetic like. It did wound my pride a bit, but this was the character I was playing, so I took it in stride and buried my anger.

Then he shut the door and we were alone.

His eyes studied me for a long time in the dim light and I repressed the urge to cross the room and pull him into a deep kiss. Just as I fought the urge to crawl into bed next to him at night. Just as I fought the urge to grab his ass on the construction site. Undercover. Professional. Not a couple. Nothing. Fucking nothing.

"Obviously nothing to learn here," he opened, sitting down on his bed across from me. We'd long ago checked the place for bugs and came to the conclusion it was safe.

"Need to get to the lower levels," I agreed.

"My guess is there's special teams working those areas. Their own barracks. Their own cafeterias. Maybe they don't even know we exist up here."

I nodded. "Have you noticed the people?" I asked carefully. Duo's eyes narrowed in worry. "They're so docile. No fights."

Duo mused over my words and a look of fearful understanding swept over him. I knew from his stories of his times with the Sweepers that he knew all too well the trouble a group of lonely, bored men could get into. "You don't think...?"

That they wiped all their minds? Didn't need to be said.

"Yeah. I do."

"Fuck." Duo paused. "How long do you think...?"

"We have to check in with Edward. After that."

Duo stalked up and down between the beds in the small room a few times before he threw himself down on his and then rolled over to face me. I was used to his anxious habits and knew he was feeling frustrated by his inability to do anything useful. He wouldn't have looked at me if he had a plan.

"What are we going to do?"

I couldn't help the pleased feeling it gave me to know that he needed me.

"I need to get more detailed blueprints. We'll probably have to make a run of it. Slip down into the lower levels and back to the loading bay and stow away on an outbound ship. Don't think they check outbound goods as closely."

Duo stewed over that, gnawing on his lower lip.

"You don't usually do this kinda shit," Duo grouched. "This is a Maxwell plan."

"It's flexible," I repeated the words he often used to try to convince me, though with a deadpan and not his usual optimistic boasting. "It's adaptable. It's fun."

He was grinning at me then, his eyes finally shining the way I remembered them. Excitement. Noted.

"Well, I can probably get a pretty good shuttle schedule outta Sal down at the commissary. But how ya gonna get the blueprints?"

I sat down on my bed and he rolled onto his side as I contemplated that.

"Our access is too restricted here, even for me. But I suspect they'll hook us up to some kind of externally connected computer to contact Edward. You saw all those business people on the shuttle here, they have to have more access than we do."

"So what, you're just gonna wing it?"

I frowned. "Yeah."

Duo smiled. "Cool." He reached out a hand and I stared at it for a moment and finally returned the reach tentatively. This confused me. I thought we were supposed to be professional. But his fingers were warm as they curled around mine and I couldn't have denied the touch even if I wanted to. "You're doing okay, right?"

I nodded.

"Good. This is more emotional than normal, more personal." He squeezed my hand and let it go. "Wasn't really expecting it. But every time I see a picture of that asshole's face I want to rip him a new one for trying to kill me." Duo barked a short laugh. "As if he could kill death."

I recognized that as his own attempt at over-reaching self-confidence. Unfortunately, he was never as convincing as I was.

I was quiet for a long moment as he studied me. It was a routine I knew well. Despite his lack of self-assurance, he would always take it upon himself to care for me. He could be bleeding out in my arms and he would ask what was wrong, was I okay?

Luckily no words were needed to explain my guilt in this particular situation. I could see the concern deep in his eyes and he sat up, reaching to grasp both my hands in his own.

"We'll take these bastards down." His words were firm and even somewhat comforting. "We'll bide our time, won't let 'em get to us."

He was quiet then, dropping my hands and leaning his chin into one of his own as he studied me. I felt somewhat self-conscious under the scrutiny.

When he spoke again his voice was soft. "Stop doubting yourself. I understood why Jack was different but you... You're not the same either. This whole thing, this whole plan isn't you. And I don't know –"

He was interrupted by the door swinging open and Blair entering. Duo called out a cheerful greeting and I was silently grateful his intrusion brought an end to Duo's introspective rambling.

The truth was I couldn't place what exactly was wrong with me. The self-doubt I was experiencing was vastly greater than any I had ever experienced before. Greater than when I took down that shuttle of Alliance members, greater than when I shot the wrong man in Zurich, greater even than when I was sitting in that white room waiting to reformat my life.

The only moment that comes close to this was when I showed up at that OZ base and saw Duo's battered face.

_"Hey, you're seriously gonna shoot me, aren't you?" For some reason, despite the reality that shooting him was in fact my intent, the words sliced through me like a knife. And I hesitated._

I hesitated. I hesitated and that confused me. I changed plans – no, I had no plan. I risked myself – and by default the colonies and the outcome of the whole fucking war – for him.

Because I hesitated.

Because I doubted myself.

_"I came to kill you. I hadn't thought up an escape plan yet."_

_Stupid. Ridiculous. What the fuck was I thinking? A liability. He'd just get caught again. J would fucking tear into me for this._

And now I was doing the same damn thing. I only doubted myself when it came to him. And this whole damn thing, this whole damn mission was about him.

Fuck. As Duo would say.

"Yo! 'Ro!" Duo's voice broke through my muddled thoughts and I stared up at his smiling face. "Come get some lunch with me and Blair!"

I always found it difficult to say no to him.

* * *

After lunch Duo, Blair, and I headed up to the commissary just to dick around and we ended up running into our other roommates. A couple hours later and we were all settled around a table in the cafeteria playing poker.

I have to admit, I am damn good at poker. I am a keen strategist and I am incredibly difficult to read. Duo, on the other hand, is horrible at poker, as I have learned through the years. When he has a good hand he attempts to bluff, but his nervous excitement is obvious in his body language – as obvious as his disappointment when he gets a bad hand. I think the game was a good idea because I couldn't help but crack a small smile as I won a third round, narrowly beating Lennon with three of a kind. I guess it humanized me. The other guys teased me good-naturedly and bitched up a storm, claiming loudly to no one in particular that if they were going to have to take this abuse they should at least be able to drown their sorrows in a bottle.

Lennon for his part was actively trying to befriend me and I wondered if it had something to do with Duo choosing to hang out with me earlier today. So I sucked it up and engaged him as much as I possibly could and Duo seemed pleased by that turn of events. We honestly worked better when we didn't have to interact directly like this. I knew my reticent nature could make his infiltration tactics difficult. I preferred to do technical recon while he scoped the area and made contacts.

But eventually the guys got tired of losing to me and we headed back under the disconcertingly constant artificial light of the colony. Duo and Lennon hung just outside of the door, pulling out cigarettes and staying out to talk for a while. Blair and Ralph decided on showers leaving Miguel and I alone.

Miguel had been suspiciously quiet around me since his few pointed comments, but my eyes lingered by the door for an extra second and when I turned to glance at Miguel before sitting down, I noted the way emotion contorted his dark, faintly Hispanic features.

"Do you ever think about it?" he asked me, drawing close before I had a chance to sit down. He didn't intimidate me, I knew I could take him down easily. But I thought the move was strange and too intimate and it confused me. Think about what?

I guess the confusion was obvious in my face and he leaned even closer, his voice a whisper. "You want him, don't you?"

I backed up a degree and shot a cool look at him. "What?"

"I see the way you look at him, the way you stare just a little bit longer where ever he is, where ever he's been. But he's just a friend, isn't he? He doesn't see you as anything more than that. Always right there, he'll always have your back, but he'll never be what you want him to be. He'll never be yours. Right? Tell me I'm right!" The words tumbled out of his mouth in a surge and his thick brows furrowed. I could tell he was experiencing some kind of extreme distress but I didn't know how to respond. I forced myself not to look at the door. Duo could talk for ages. It was futile to hope that he would walk in any time soon.

When I didn't answer him, he backed up, seeming frustrated and dejected. Unfortunately, despite the fact that I didn't answer, I still felt the sting of his words. And I had to remind myself, he was wrong. Duo and I – we could still have something. We  _did_  have something and we could get it back.

I was saved from that dark train of thought when Miguel spoke again, soft and contemplative.

"Did Edward tell you about what they want to do here?"

With the quick change of topic, it took me a second to register what he was talking about. The memory reconstruction.

"Yes."

He jerked his head up at my response and studied my eyes for a minute. Not that I gave anything away there, but I tried to look somewhat compliant to the conversation. I didn't expect Edward to have told the others about it. I guess it was only fair to warn them, but I felt obligated to find out what exactly he knew. And I knew Duo would be pissed if I passed up this opportunity.

"Have you ever thought about it? You know, going through with it?"

I couldn't stop the painful thud of my heart. Yes. I had considered it. Yes. I had done it. But I shook my head ever so slightly. Then clarified. "No."

"But it could take all of that away, couldn't it?" I noted his distress was back, his voice was sorrowful, sad. "You could forget about Drake and start over."

My reaction surprised us both. I was shaking my head violently. "No." I said, and then repeated with more force, "No!"

"But I came up here to get away from her," he started quickly and he looked like he might punch me, assault me in some way, but he stopped himself. "But all I can do is think about her. Think about what she's doing, who she's with right now. You know what that's like! You understand, don't you?"

"No." I was firm and I pressed a finger against his chest. Over his heart. Ironic. "Even if they take your memories, you will still feel that. But you won't know why. You will hurt. But you won't know why. You will never feel complete for the rest of your life, because you won't even know her, but you'll still want her. And you won't know why."

Miguel blinked in shock. To his credit, that was probably the most words he'd heard me speak at one time since we met. I'm sure it was disturbing. And then his face changed, maybe confusion, as he thought about what I'd said. Then, understanding, I think, and he was charging out of the room, the door slamming behind him.

After a moment two heads peeked in, Duo's long braid falling down in to the side in a straight line to the floor and Lennon's fairness blending into the brightness beyond.

"Whad'ya do, 'Ro? Ask him to play a round of strip poker?" Duo's words were lilting and jovial – causing Lennon to chuckle – but I could see worry as plain as day in his eyes. "'Ro...?" he asked cautiously after a moment and then he exchanged a glance across the doorway with Lennon. "Hey, stay out here a sec, huh?" he asked quietly, handing over his cigarette for safekeeping. Lennon took it, nodded, and shrugged, turning back to lean against the building, out of sight once more.

Duo shut the door softly and walked up to me. Miraculously the showers were still going, but I didn't know for how long, and I just wanted –

"Hey." Duo was facing me, a hand on my upper arm, that incessant worry, those kind and curious eyes seeming huge and wonderful and I realized my heart was still hammering painfully against my ribs. "What happened?"

Quicker than Duo could react, I dug my hands into his shirt and drew him into a fierce kiss, trying to impress upon him everything I felt for him in that one simple action. I didn't want what Miguel had. Fuck, but I just –  _I didn't want him to be right_. I didn't want a friend. Not this pseudo-professionalism bullshit, not the unrequited glances, not his soft, tentative touches. No.  _Not anymore_.

I wanted Duo to  _want_  me. I wanted my  _lover_  back.

And  _damn_  if I wouldn't go down fighting for him.

Duo's lips merged against mine as his hands instinctively sought out my waist and his fingers curled up in my shirt. My hands loosened their grip and slid across his shoulders, up his neck, to the back of his head, cradling it and pulling his face nearer until our foreheads pressed and our noses mashed together and I knew we couldn't possibly get any closer.

And then we heard a shower shut off and immediately we broke apart, breathless and overly alert.

"Shit," Duo breathed and he looked up at me, wide-eyed and gentle with affection, drawing a tender hand across my forehead to brush the bang out of my eyes. "What was that for?"

"I made a mistake," I told him quietly, bluntly. "My life was so much better when you were my future."

A faint flush colored Duo's face and for once he said nothing. Instead, he gave me one last lingering look before he joined Lennon outside again. I wondered what he would tell him about Miguel and I. But more than that, even though I knew he couldn't possibly, I wondered if he understood.


	21. 2.8 The Former Colleague

Another uneventful week passed. Duo and I were back to our thin professionalism, which I accepted as a means to an end. Miguel mostly avoided me. Lennon however became some strange imitation of a Duo from the early part of the war – always engaging me in conversations I didn't want to have, initiating physical contact I didn't appreciate. It was unsettling. But I knew this behavior as an attempt at friendship and I let it pass without incident. It was easy to understand why Lennon and Duo became friends so quickly. They clearly had a similar disposition.

But Saturday night a stiff employee in uniform and obviously not from construction site Delta 2 broke the monotony when he came to inform us that we would be making special trips in rounds Sunday to place an outbound call to Edward.

So I wasn't surprised when Sunday after breakfast another uniformed employee came and requested Lennon, one of Edward's other picks who was housed in C-3, and I follow her to make the call. Duo gave us a dubious glance as we left him with the others. I didn't like the feeling of leaving him there, especially when I knew I was going to have to make a drastic and dangerous move to attempt to get additional information on the colony structure, but I reminded myself firmly that he would be fine.

She carted us almost fifteen minutes to the Alpha site, a more complete section of the colony closer to the docking bay. It was an area laid out in a grid pattern, rather ordinary looking although often half-complete office complexes were built into some squares and there were empty areas between the buildings where I assumed parks would one day be placed. Without a variable climate functioning, plant life was unsustainable and it would've been a wasted effort to start on parks. To say this area looked relatively normal would be an overstatement, but considering the L6 installation started only five years ago, the amount of progress that was being made was remarkable. But I figured that's what money like Winner Enterprises Interglobal and Nexxus International Group could provide.

Not to mention slavery.

She pulled up to a long building with a windowed façade and through the glare I could see long rows of cubicles with computers in each one. Perfect. I'm not sure about fun, but this plan seemed to be working well so far. Hopefully it would prove adaptable enough.

We were lead into the building and I noted the barebones staff. I guess techies were the same everywhere. Hated to be parted from their work, even on the weekend. She led us to a videoconference room with little preamble and dialed in to Earth. After a few minutes Edward appeared on screen. He was smiling and friendly as he and the employee talked for a minute, but when she exited the room his smile dropped and he seemed anxious.

"Okay, the truth – how's it been up there?" he asked brusquely. Lennon was quick to answer.

"Fuckin' boring as anything," he admitted with a grin, "but otherwise not too bad."

The other man from C-3, Nick I learned only a little while ago, corroborated Lennon's assessment. "We spend most of the day on the construction site. There's at least another two years' worth of work to be done up here before anyone could move in. Probably more. At least six months in our area. We haven't seen much of the rest of the colony."

"Yeah, didn't even know all this fancy stuff was here." Lennon grimaced and then amended his statement. "Fancy is too kind. Just... put together, really. Not sure when they're getting the weather functions up and running, but that'll help a lot."

This rambling sort of conversation about the colony and their apparent mental health went on for a few minutes before Edward looked pointedly at me. "Ron? You're being awfully quiet."

Lennon tried to stifle a laugh as he shot a glance at me. "I don't know what Ron you know," he quipped cheerfully at Edward's big face plastered on the screen. "He's always quiet!"

"Everything is fine," I offered, ignoring Lennon. Then I pulled up the agreed upon phrase indicating that we hadn't found anything alarming and that everything was, in fact, truly fine. "But they're right, it's pretty dull up here. You owe me dinner when I make it back to Earth."

Edward was smiling then and Lennon raised a curious eyebrow. I guess the idea of me going to dinner with Edward was outlandish to him – but I fought down irritation. I probably wouldn't ever willingly go out to dinner with Edward anyway. Duo would've laughed at me and told me I shouldn't be irritated at someone for being right.

They finished up whatever last minute comments they had to say to Edward and I got up, presumably to find our escort although my real intention was not quite so innocent. My rather short-sighted goal was just to slip out and head in the opposite direction for the most remote computer terminal I could find and hope that I could hide in a vacant cube for a good fifteen minutes before being discovered and that said fifteen minutes would be enough time for me to find some better blueprints and set them up in a hidden folder on their open access intranet.

I am quite aware how ridiculous that plan sounds. But I've extracted data in similar ways with less time in buildings rocked by explosions with gunshots whizzing past. Surely this would be a leisurely walk in the park by comparison.

But just as I opened the door for a furtive glance – helpfully noting my escort was fifteen feet away and talking to another employee escorting two of our guys from C-3 and Miguel – my eyes met with those of a young Asian man and I ground out a curse as my head began pounding with the tell-tale sign of an impending memory assault.

I had all these vague recollections of him laughing at some non-joke I'd made, sitting across from me, shoving food in his mouth, waving over his shoulder as we walked across a parking lot, arguing hotly over lines of code on a computer screen. And I knew I was totally, utterly, and completely fucked.

This was someone Jack knew. And he clearly recognized me. I stood frozen for a moment as events unfolded faster than even I could process. Our escort had noticed me and was heading in our direction. But this guy Jack knew intercepted her and they talked heatedly between themselves for a moment. I decided there was nothing else I could do. I turned around and sat back down, staring at Edward blankly on the tele-video screen.

What was that Duo always said? Flexible? Adaptable?  _Fun_?

I calmed myself with great effort, trying to focus on Lennon and Nick's conversation to ease my tension while I considered my possible courses of action. I couldn't leave Duo. I simply  _wouldn't_  leave Duo. Which left very few options and none of them good – namely waiting for them to enter, knocking everyone unconscious, escaping this room, finding Duo, and executing plan make-a-mad-dash-to-the-lower-levels, hope-to-god-we-find-something, and get-the-fuck-out.

Yeah, when I thought about it that sounded nearly impossible and stupid as fuck. But then, all I could think was  _Duo would love it_.

The door opened again and we all turned to look at our escort and the man standing with her. I tensed, ready to implement my foolhardy plan, and she pointed at me.

"You. Go with Yun. He wants to escort you back to Delta 2."

I forced myself to stand. Well, that was somewhat of a relief. I apparently wasn't going to have to knock out four people single-handedly. Not that I couldn't, it just complicated things. This was easier.

He – Yun, I supposed – lead me in silence to a two-seater NEV of his own and as we climbed in I figured this was pretty fortuitous. Sure, these dinky vehicles didn't have much horsepower but Duo and I could get across the colony much faster in a stolen NEV than we could our own two legs.

As soon as we were out of the vicinity of the Alpha site, Yun slowed the vehicle way down and gave me a look of what I figured was shock and relief – a ridiculous facial contortion I thought only Duo was capable of.

"Holy shit, Jack, what are you doing in construction?"

I didn't say anything as I groped for an acceptable answer, but luckily his own question didn't stop the ramble of words from his mouth.

"I mean, they told us you were transferred to L6 and I was like, what the fuck, that ain't right, Jack didn't give two shits about going to L6. Ya know how you always were, you were always so cool about never going. And anyway, what did they need  _you_  for anyway, right? An AI researcher? On colony? Made no sense, I mean, that's what I thought."

He took a deep breath then and let out a weak, nervous chuckle before continuing on his long-winded rant.

"I looked for you, man, ya know, we all missed you! It was so sudden like. It was like Aisha lost a son or sumthin'. I told her I'd look for ya but I couldn't find any records of the transfer. It was like you just up and fucking disappeared and with all the shit going on, I mean..." He paused and gave me a furtive glance. "You know some strange shit is going on up here, right? I mean, I don't know much, but it's just fucking –"

His flow of words stopped so abruptly I briefly considered that perhaps he'd passed out from lack of oxygen except his control of the vehicle never wavered. Then I was once again concerned I was going to have to say something and I began fumbling for some kind of explanation.

"You aren't fucking Jack, are you?" His a-ha! moment absolutely rocked me to the core. Did he know about the memory reconstruction surgery? Is  _that_  was he was referring to when he said there was some 'strange shit' going on? I could see how that would rattle a normal human being with certain expectations of morality.

"I mean, you're Jack, right," I felt instantaneous relief, and he continued, "but you're not an AI researcher. You work for fucking INTERPOL or Preventer or something, doncha, and you're here to investigate from the inside out? Awww, holy shit man! That's so fucking cool. You definitely came to the right damn place, I'll tell ya what. I don't know what they're doing down there but it's something big man, something real fucking big."

I had no idea how he drew these conclusions as his mind jumped even more rapidly than Duo's and Duo was really the only person I truly understood and fuck if I understood him even ten percent of the time.

"Yes," I finally said, figuring his speculation would only be enhanced by my simplicity.

"Damn anyway!" He let lose a long and somewhat fanatical laugh. "All this time, quiet old Jack, sitting on his computer, spying on NIG..." Shaking his head slowly he stared at me with something akin to admiration. "What do you need me to do?"

"What?" I asked incredulously. What did he even mean by that statement?

"Aw, come on Jack, you know you can trust me. You're over there in Delta 2 while I'm in the thick of things." Then he looked stricken. "I mean, don't take that the wrong way, I'm sure you have a great plan, ya know, far be it for me to question a damned secret agent, I'm not like that, it's just... Let me help you, man!"

I shook my head definitively even though I was actually considering his proposition. That was what Duo would do, right? This whole damn encounter should be taking place with Duo, not me. I had to think like him, right? Think like a man I only half understood on a good day.

"Come onnnnnn," he whined petulantly. "You  _know_  me! We worked together on encryption for the whole damned company. You  _know_  my shit is good." He whipped out puppy-dog eyes the size of Quatre's but unlike Quatre, Yun didn't know only one set of eyes worked on me. And there was nothing remotely 'puppy' about them.

It could be a trick. I was fully aware of that as I reformulated my Maxwell-style plan. They could've told people I was here just to try to draw me out. Hell, they probably knew I was here. They probably let us right through the front door just to see what we wanted. But if that was true, then we had no chance anyway and what risk was I really taking? We were already fucked.

I tried to make a big production of my change of heart but that wasn't really my style and my grand capitulation was really more of a sigh. But he clearly knew me because the look of triumph on his face was unmistakable.

"What do you need me to do? I'm your man! Anything, anything at all!"

Even my cold heart felt a bit of guilt at dragging someone so clearly naïve and innocent into a potentially disastrous situation. But despite that I didn't find it difficult to subjuct one man to death when we were facing a colony of fucking slaves. Moral relativism. Very useful in war.

"I need blueprints of the entire colony. Including the lower layers." The request was simple and hopefully not difficult for him to manage.

"That's it?" he asked, clearly skeptical.

"For starters." I hoped the lure of more potential tasks would keep him engaged.

"That's what you were trying to do there with all those computers, huh? Get into the system, am I right?"

I nodded and realized that he wasn't taking us back to Delta 2 the way we had come. I brushed off my suspicions. He was probably taking the 'scenic' route so we could talk.

Then he was frowning. "Well, how am I gonna get them to you? The intranet is pretty damned risky, we can't print shit here and even if we could, programmers just don't waltz around construction sites, ya know, even if you were a long-lost buddy like I told 'em. This is pretty suspicious as is."

I contemplated that. And then it occurred to me.

"Can you get it on a jump drive and send it to the commissary?"

Yun seemed to be mulling this over and he nodded. "Yeah, I can do that."

"Okay. Address the package to Drake Johnson. Sal and Drake are friends. He'd overlook something strange if it were for Drake. Me, not so much." I fought a grimace as I threw Duo's alias out there. This was a risk. A risk I just included Duo in without his consent. Not that he wouldn't have done exactly the same to me...

I was glad Yun didn't ask if Drake was my partner. I didn't want to give him away like that. Instead, he just nodded, his crazy black hair bouncing around his head with the motion. Something about that made me wonder – were we friends because he reminded me of Duo? And that was the closest my battered, forgotten heart could get to him?

"Okay, I can do this." I was a little less than thrilled with his shaky pep talk. "I can  _do_  this." He was growing more confident, at least. And then he flashed me a big grin. "Fuck ya, I can do this!"

"You can." Being an encouragement wasn't my strong suite, but I hoped the words offered him some comfort. It seemed to work because his smile widened.

"I'm just glad you're okay, man. Aisha will –"

"No," I cut him off abruptly. "No one can know I'm here."

He swallowed and looked guilty. "Yeah, you're right."

We were silent for a moment and I realized I wouldn't have the opportunity to interrogate him further as we were heading up to the Delta 2 sector. He pulled up to the cafeteria – as the biggest building in the housing complex – and I immediately caught sight of Duo hovering around outside it anxiously. Lennon was with him and when they saw us pull up both of them wore relieved expressions.

Although it looked like Yun wanted to say something more to me, I glared at him and walked away as if I had never met the man before. Which was easy because I hadn't. But Jack had. Shit, this was fucked up. Not the first time I'd thought  _that_.

"Christ, 'Ro, I thought –" Duo's words died in this throat and the worry in his eyes threatened to cross between us and draw me into his arms. But there was nothing either of us could say or do with Lennon standing right there. He was scared I was caught trying to get the blue prints, scared they took me, scared I wouldn't be me any more. And I didn't blame him. But I couldn't say a thing. I couldn't comfort him at all.

"I'm fine," I told him instead, my words easy and smooth but they offered him no relief. Instead a smirk broke across his face that was absolutely fake in every way, and he punched me in the arm.

"You wouldn't know ta look at him," Duo was joking with Lennon, winking a big eye over his concern, "but Ron can get himself into all kinds of trouble if he's left alone for too long." Lennon gave him a knowing nod and part of me wanted to punch him, but I didn't. I might've been Duo's charity case, but I wasn't fucking Lennon's.

But that just gave me all these negative thoughts and I stormed past them to our room, unable to look into those blue eyes any more. It was like when you notice two shades of black just don't quite match and suddenly you can't unnoticed it. In fact, you just keep staring, you can't draw your eyes away, and no matter how much I didn't want to think it I couldn't avoid it.

I was always just a charity case for Duo. From the very beginning. I was a fucked up kid who had no concept of normal. No concept of how to live. In the absence of war, I had no emotions, no direction, nothing to live for. And after the war he was there for me, just like always, holding out his hand, ignoring his pain to care for me. As I opened up it only made it worse. After the Mariemaia incident, he was so mad, so angry that all our progress had dissolved that he left me. Only to return two months later when he learned how hopelessly lost I was.

All to fucking care for me.

But I didn't want to be  _his_  charity case either. Not like that. I didn't want him to love me out of some strange obligation. Or fascination. Out of fucking  _pity_.

And for the first time in weeks I was tired of fighting for him and thought maybe, just maybe, everything would have been better if things had just worked out between Duo and Jack.


	22. 2.9 The Breaking Point

"Hey." Duo leaned against the wall and stared down at me. I looked up from my tablet, feeling tired after hours of work and a rushed dinner and not much like dealing with him. It had been two days and we never got a chance to talk about what had transpired after the phone call with Edward. But when I noticed the small package in his hand I sat up, my eyes pinned upon it.

"So...?" he asked, the question clear as day to me. I nodded and held out my hand. He handed it over to me and I opened it discreetly and held the tiny jump drive in my hand with a great feeling of satisfaction. Yun had come through for me.

Quickly I stood up and Duo followed me out and we sat down against the corner of the building together, hiding in plain sight. He watched with obvious curiosity as I plugged the device into my tablet and pulled up the blue prints stored in it. He gasped almost imperceptibly when he saw them.

"That man I came back with – he knew Jack," I murmured softly as we reviewed the plans. "We worked together. He said he thought something suspicious was going on. I didn't get a chance to ask further."

"He got you this?" Duo's voice matched my whisper.

"Yeah. He thinks I'm a spy."

Duo laughed under his breath. "You kinda are." I shrugged.

"Pretty sure they know I'm here," I warned him a bit reluctantly. "He told me HQ said I transferred here."

Duo scowled but didn't say anything.

And then I found what I was looking for, on the second innermost ring. There was a series of power stations adjacent to a series of empty rooms. And for some strange, inexplicable reason there was a corridor directly from the docking bay to that series of rooms. The bold lines indicated the power stations were already completed. The  _only_  thing completed on any of the three lower levels – with the exception of the center level, which appeared to house the inner mechanics of station operations as I anticipated.

"Here," I pointed out what I was seeing, shifting between a few different views. Then he took the tablet from me and started riffling through the blue prints himself, staring across the Delta 2 site as if he was looking for something. Finally, he pointed at what appeared to be a waste corridor in the blue prints.

"This is in the cafeteria. It's a waste pipe," he explained and I already disliked where this was heading. "It looks like it cuts through all the levels and runs directly down to an incinerator in the center there." It did look that way as he flipped through the blue prints. It wound sideways until it met the outer hull wall and then ran the circular length of the colony, branches connecting with it from all the other levels, until it emptied into an incinerator.

"They probably only flush it a few times a day so it could be pretty rank..." My cool eyes didn't betray my disgust at the prospect, although we both knew how I  _really_  felt. But we had no choice. I wondered why he even said anything.

Then he was taking out the stylus and writing a series of complex calculations on the surface, the tablet automatically calculating the answers for him. Despite what people might have thought about him and his total lack of any formal education, Duo was incredibly intelligent and a remarkable engineer. Sometimes his formulas made me nervous as they were often hacked together with his understanding being mostly practical and not at all theoretical, but to my knowledge his calculations were never wrong.

"Forty-five seconds from here and we pass the point of no return," Duo explained, tapping the juncture where the waste corridor met the outer hull and took a sharp turn into the center of the colony. I knew what he meant by the point of no return. The point where gravity failed to act normally and we would be stuck floating in limbo without enough force to propel ourselves in either direction to get out. Frankly one of my least favorite death scenarios. Self-detention might have hurt like a bitch, but at least it was quick.

Duo was factoring a few more calculations and then he pointed to the juncture we would need to reach to access the area with the power stations. "Cutting it close," he announced at last, chewing on the end of the stylus absently. It irritated me, but I let his nervous habit go. "Forty seconds to the inlet."

Five seconds was actually a rather long time in the grand scheme of things. Besides, I knew Duo had a metronomic way of keeping time. He'd explained it to me once, how he could be so accurate down to the half second, but I failed to really understand. Some song he'd memorized and knew every beat of. It seemed easier to count, but then I knew he was more accurate than I was so I couldn't fault him.

"When?" I asked and he met my gaze with a long, contemplative look.

"I can probably get a good handle on the flush schedule from Betty," – shit, did he know everyone in this damned sector? – "you know, so we don't get fucked with the flush..." he mused and then I noted Lennon heading towards us and I took the tablet back from him, closing out the blueprints.

"Hey buddy!" Duo called with a wave and an easy smile floated across the blonde's face.

"Did you hear?" he asked as he pulled out his cigarette, falling to the ground next to Duo. "Supposedly we're all having some special time of it Sunday to listen to Quatre fuckin' Winner give some speech."

For the briefest of moments Duo's fingers flicked over to meet mine even though his face stayed firmly focused on Lennon's and he gave no indication that anything at all was amiss. I knew, however, exactly what he was thinking and what he meant by that gesture. Then. We would have to go then.

"No way! The big man himself, huh? I thought he hated this godforsaken shit sack." Duo was grinning and Lennon was grinning and I think I was looking at them like I might be sick, but they seemed not to notice.

And then something incredibly unfortunate happened. Miguel wandered up out of nowhere with a disconcerting frown plastered on his face and he stared at us and the C-4 building like he'd never been there before.

"Uh, hey, Miguel...?" I heard Duo's concerned voice but it sounded distant, far away, like maybe it was coming from down a tunnel somewhere and not right next to me. "You find some liquor or sumthin' cause you  _know_  you gotta share that shit."

Miguel's dark eyes turned towards us again and he blinked. "Excuse me?" he said carefully. "Do I know you?"

And then something snapped inside of me. Some part of me that had probably been protecting me from my own internal self-loathing and hate. Some thin membrane spread too taunt over my guilt and shame and horror. But in that moment I felt every ounce of desperation, anguish, and gut-wrenching grief over what I'd done to Duo, to myself, and it crashed over me like a tidal wave, dragging me under, suffocating and drowning me and spitting me back up on the shore and I was standing with the forward momentum – I was standing and I grabbed Miguel by his neck and I slammed him into the outer wall of our building, the sound of his collision with the flimsy metal construction reverberating across all of Delta 2.

"Don't tell me you fucking did it you goddamned bastard!"

I realized I was screaming at him though the words didn't even sound like my own. They sounded like some dark, otherworldly beast possessing me as I slammed him into the building over and over.

"You didn't have to fucking do it! You fucking idiot!"

I felt hands on my arms trying to drag me away but I knew that even despite my weakened state I was still hell of a lot stronger than anyone else on that whole damned colony and I kept my hands locked on his throat, undeterred.

"She'll never leave you! She'll always be there! Don't you fucking  _get it_?!"

His eyes were wide and wild and his face was turning slightly blue but I could hardly see him. I could only see myself staring back at me. My own dumb, guilty eyes. Unknowing. Confused. And fuck, I wanted to take it all back. If only I could slam myself hard enough I could go back in time and fix all of this. We wouldn't be on this goddamn colony –  _none of these people would have to suffer_.

"You goddamn coward!"

Duo wouldn't have to suffer.

_Duo wouldn't have had to fucking suffer._

I was as bad as all of them – everyone who fucking left him.  _I_  did that to him.  _I_  hurt him. All those broken promises, whispered in the safety of twilight and bed sheets only to be torn asunder when the light of day reached them.

And I was screaming at myself.

"You goddamn fucking coward!"

And suddenly I was looking into Duo's face – his eyes wide and blue the way only ozone and atmosphere could produce – and his arms were wrapped around me and his lips were on my ear and his breath was washing over me and I...

"It's okay 'Ro," soft and gentle and totally void of all judgment. "Just let him go."

...I fell apart.

My stomach hit the floor as adrenaline curdled in my veins and my hands fell weakly to my sides. I guess I saw him fall to the ground in a sputtering, coughing mess but I was shaking and weak and I thought I was going to be sick but Duo was holding me up. Always holding me up.

He moved away from me and in an effort to drive my mind from the horrible, swirling mass of thoughts in my head I began to wonder how he managed to wedge himself between my arms. I focused on his touch as he grabbed my arm and walked me away from there. And in my disorientation I stupidly hoped he was leading me off the colony and back home. Back to where we were together and we fucked every other night and fought over stupid shit that seemed important like whether or not to buy a house and I capitulated to his every whim.

But we were just walking across the eerily metallic bright and searing landscape of the Delta 2 sector of L6 and as I came back to myself I began to realize we were doing laps around the housing structures but his hand didn't leave my arm and I almost didn't want him to know I was conscious again because selfishly I never wanted him to stop touching me.

Selfish. Yeah. That about sums it up. Relena was right. I was a selfish fucking bastard.

"Heero," he warned me quietly and our pace slowed.

"I fucked up." The admission wasn't one I made often but I just wanted to get it out in the open before the accusations started.

He didn't say anything for about half a lap and finally, when we were out of sight behind the cafeteria, he stopped.

"What the hell?" His voice was tight with worry. To me, that was far worse than anger. "I know this is more personal but we can't do this if I can't trust you to keep your cool."

I nodded numbly but that didn't seem to please him at all. He crossed his arms over his chest.

"Seriously. What the fuck was that? You almost killed him."

"He opted for the reconstruction," I replied, as that should've explained everything.

Duo sighed grandly and rolled his eyes. "We knew that might happen."

He didn't understand. Miguel did it for the wrong reasons. The same reasons. How could I explain it to him? He would've never put us in this position. He would've asked for my help. He would've never piloted ZERO in the first place.

"Do we change the plan?"

Duo scowled at the question but I knew it wasn't the question itself but my avoidance of the real issue.

"The plan stays. You need some time to cool the fuck off and get your head straight. Besides, the most cargo ships come in Sundays." He didn't reach for me then, but his eyes spoke all the volumes of his worry and the feeling of crushing guilt returned full force. I could only nod once more.

It was time to follow Duo's lead. I was clearly a liability to my own mission. But we'd reached the point of no return. I might die a slow, suffocating death... but it was too late now. We were stuck.


	23. 2.10 The Execution

The minimal repercussions for my total lack of self-control made me incredibly suspicious and I decided they  _must_  know who I was and were deliberately keeping me close for observation. Miguel was transferred out of Delta 2 for his protection and my pay was docked but I was expecting something along the lines of getting sent to jail for assault. Or a forced memory wipe. Something with a bit more impact, anyway, if I were just a regular employee to them.

And if I wasn't a social pariah before, I certainly was now. Not that I cared, it just made my interaction with Duo difficult and while I did care about that, frankly it was probably better that way. At least Lennon stopped pretending to be my friend.

With Duo at arms length and physical evidence of my instability in the form of Miguel, I finally began to shut down again. I even managed to sit through a lecture the day after the incident on the benefits of the memory procedure that helpfully informed us of why Miguel choose to have it done. I tuned it out and focused on compartmentalizing all of my emotional baggage regarding the situation.

By Saturday I couldn't even feel the painful looks Duo was giving me. I knew the way those eyes looked at me that he was concerned and upset about how I was shutting down but logically I didn't see any other option. I was able to look back at my actions over the past few months and I was glad that his emotions were rendered ineffectual against my carefully placed armor. It was better this way.

In this place, I was beginning to have a difficult time rationalizing why I indulged in a relationship with him at all after the war. If I hadn't broken down these walls, none of this would've happened. I was foolish to believe in Relena, Millardo, Trieze and their lofty talk of peace. True peace was impossible. I should've known that. I should've known there would never be such a thing as civilian life for me. I should've never given in to those eyes, that body, my lust. I should've never given in to the burgeoning desire within me to understand love.

But in lieu of a time machine – and god only knows what ramifications would result by building one of  _those_  – I could only move forward as a solider once again.

And so I found myself glancing impassively towards Duo to judge his state of readiness as we stood lined up and ready to be bused to the Alpha site to listen to Quatre give a lecture on what I'm sure would be a thrilling exposé detailing the progress of L6 and what gratitude he had for all our happy, mind-wiped co-harmony.

I suppose I should be fair. I wasn't convinced Quatre knew about the mind-wiping part even if he  _was_  in league to redesign ZERO. He didn't appear to visit the colony often and I doubted that while here he spent his time talking to construction workers. It was difficult for me to see him agreeing to be part of something that violated a person's rights so completely. Then again, he was quite a remarkable strategist...

But I shoved the thoughts out and noted the way Duo's eyes flicked to mine, a slight nod in my direction. I looked at the employee coming down the line towards us with a scanner. Duo and I took places near the back of our respective lines so that we could ditch as soon as the employees completed their tally of Delta 2 personnel. And as predicted, as soon as they hit the back of the line they turned to walk back up to the front.

Never underestimate how easy it is to get by unnoticed in a group of two hundred and fifty people.

Quickly and discretely I snuck my employee badge into the pocket of the man in front of me. I knew Duo was doing the same. The badges contained RFID chips and while I doubted they could pinpoint our location while in the belly of this beast, I figured it was better to have all identifying information off our persons when we stowed away.

And then it was just a matter of slipping away. Easier for me as no one wanted to see me doing anything after my attack on Miguel. I felt Duo's eyes on me as he watched me leave and I made my way into the empty cafeteria directly behind us, heading towards the back and into the kitchen. One employee was back there cleaning and prepping for dinner but I made short work of her and found the waste access panel in the floor underneath a row of sinks. I stared at the dripping grate with a level of irritation. It appeared the employee I'd just incapacitated had recently mopped the floors. Lovely. And the grate was probably only three feet by two feet wide. This certainly would've been a lot easier when we were fifteen.

I heard Duo's distinct yet light footfalls coming from behind me as I grabbed a knife from the cutting area and began to unscrew the grate from the floor. He paused and I assumed he was assessing the potential weaponry available in the kitchen. I guessed right as I heard him pull a few knives from a butcher block and rip towels to create carriers for them. I found this a bit excessive but I knew Duo wasn't as skilled in hand-to-hand combat as I was and he felt much more comfortable armed with something.

I felt his body heat and noted his braid on the ground when he knelt next to me. I spared him a glance as the last screw was undone, noting how he had two knives wrapped on either side of his upper arms, and he grunted a little laugh.

"Can't help myself," he explained softly and I nodded, pulling the grate up. It groaned a bit at the unusual treatment. "Got twenty five minutes 'til the flush."

I glanced down and noted that true to the plans the soaking wet corridor only dropped about three feet before bottoming into a T. Lovely. But at least we may be spared going face first as it looked like the corridor below was big enough to turn around in.

"Rock, paper, scissors?" Duo asked with a smile and I pinned him with a glare.

"Don't be ridiculous. You're going first."

I expected my harsh tone would produce a frown considering the way he'd been treating me recently but to my surprise he smiled even wider. "Come on! Admit you just want to stare at my ass."

"You have to time us when we reach the main shaft," I explained impatiently. "I don't think you'd be able to crawl over me down there."

Duo winked then and lowered his legs into access hole and tucked his braid into the back of his shirt. "Gotcha. No grinding in the corridors. Whatever you say, boss." And then with one fluid motion his smile was gone and I heard a string of curses a moment later as he repositioned himself in the muck below.

Once his profanity had ceased I lowered myself in as well and found myself in the same frustrating position of turning around in a wet, soapy, metal corridor. I even found myself muttering a curse or two – to Duo's extreme amusement – as I face planted into the puddle beneath me after finally getting my legs behind me, not exactly the easiest task with the limited range of motion my recently shattered knee offered me. But with some level of satisfaction I noted his face also gleamed with wetness in the dim light as he turned back to look at me.

I nodded and he started the rather long crawl forward. Luckily our slipping stopped after about thirty feet when we were not directly in anything wet and our clothes had enough time to absorb everything on us. Unluckily we wandered through three more wet patches before reaching the main shaft. The industrial strength soap was starting to itch at my skin and my knee was starting to nag and I felt a bit like a drowned rat and I knew Duo had to be absolutely miserable but neither of us made the smallest complaint. Although I'll admit I was more than pleased to hear his hiss of pleasure when he reached the drop.

"Getting too old for this shit," he muttered as he leaned over the edge. I could just barely make out his head in the dark. I was thankful for my altered eyes and I realized, not for the first time, that Duo had to have the most self-confidence out of all of us. I was reckless because I didn't care about my own life. Everything Duo did was born out of the sheer knowledge that he was skilled and capable of completing the task. He must've been completely blind down here, but was willing to jump off that landing into a reverse gravity well that would bottom out into an incinerator in only –

"How long until the next flush?"

"Nine and a half minutes."

– nine and a half minutes when the system flushed. Even while playing the solider, I was forced to admit what a fucking sexy badass he was.

Goddamn it to hell.

Obviously the solider was never immune to him anyway.

"Okay boss," he was looking back up at me although I couldn't make out his face and I knew for damn sure he couldn't make out mine. "I'm gonna fall down there. Give me a good three count and then come on down. I'll catch ya."

And then he was gone.

I immediately started counting out three minutes as I scooted carefully to the edge and leaned over although I couldn't make him out in the darkness. Despite my training I felt my heart squeeze – it was like he had disappeared from all existence. I couldn't see him. I couldn't hear him. And I wouldn't know if he was okay until it was too late for myself. Luckily the main shaft wasn't any bigger than the one we were in now and as long as I spread my arms out he should be able to catch me without a problem. Unless he fucked up. And then we'd be completely screwed.

Instead of going down face first like Duo, I decided to reorient myself so that I was heading down feet first. I've fallen face first quite a bit in my life. Sometimes it's nice to be heading the other direction.

Once my three count was done I took the plunge into the inky abyss.

Falling through variable gravity is a disconcerting feeling if you haven't done it before. You get a very dreamlike sensation as the pull of gravity becomes less and you start to feel like you're floating. In total black, it can disorient you enough that you think you are actually beginning to float up instead of down. Or you can feel stuck, like you aren't moving at all, which is incredibly terrifying when – as in this situation – you actually  _can_  become stuck in a no gravity zone. It had been a long time since I dealt with variable gravity and forcing myself not to panic was difficult, even for me, even for forty seconds.

But just as my heart began to pound a bit harder I felt Duo's hand on my leg and slowly it slid up my body. And I slowly slid down, my back pressing up against the cool metal of the corridor while my front slipped in line against Duo's body, his arm wrapping around the small of my back. So much for my pounding heart.

"Boss said no grinding," he teased me, his whisper filling the corridor and I fought to regain control of the solider. Thankfully he was quickly guiding me to the entrance of the corridor and warning me to be careful of his knife which I realized he had jimmied into the seam where two plates of metal met so that he could use it as a handhold.

"Got just under five minutes," he warned me as he joined me in the corridor and I began to make a mad dash towards the first grating I could find. Thankfully there appeared to be no cleaning or other waste in this particular corridor and we were able to move much more quickly, looking for a light instead of heading into total blackness. I knew the first junction should only be fifty feet in but I would've completely missed it had Duo not put a hand to the ceiling, feeling for a break.

He hissed at me and I stopped immediately, turning to look at the vague outline of him. I immediately realized he was crouched up into the three foot area, quickly unscrewing the nuts from the bolts. I guess whatever room we were entering into was empty and therefore unlit. I suppose that was a blessing, minus having almost missed it. I recalled the blueprints and recalled that this room was adjacent to the power stations and the room servicing them. Duo pulled himself out and I followed suit, although he graciously helped me out without comment or complaint when it became clear my knee stiffening up was causing me to struggle.

Duo replaced the grate as I got my bearings and I realized we were in some type of dormitory. There was enough soft ambient light from night-lights that I could make the room out fairly well. Duo, however, was still relatively blinded. I gripped his forearm and pointed in the direction of the door and we headed in toward it.

Once we were at the door, Duo whipped out one of his knives and we shared a look before I turned the knob and swung the door open.

I don't really know what I expected. There were a lot of power boxes down there. More than a colony of this size required. And the suspicious direct corridor to the docking bay. But none of that really prepared me for what was in that room.

Correction: that hangar.

In my time working for Preventer I uncovered more than one terrorist cell with a mobile suit or two hanging around, an old patched together Leo or a couple Taurus units. Not an entire fucking hangar of over a hundred new type mobile suits. They were like nothing I had ever seen. Tall, hulking structures that were thin and almost spindly. I wondered what they were made out of that would allow them to hold up to any sort of combat. Then again – what combat would there be? Mobile suit construction was outlawed in the ESUN.

"Aw goddamn motherfucking son of a bitch," Duo rambled quietly next to me as we stared in awe across the open space. "How many of these fucking hangars are there?"

My mind traced through my memory of the blue prints. "Twenty four."

"Fuck."

Yes, Duo. Fuck indeed. If there were a hundred suits in each that would be an astronomical number of suits for the undefended Earth Sphere to take on, structurally unsuited for combat or not. We had to hope these were the extent of them.

And then we were both pressing our backs against the wall, shifting our attention to the left where we heard footfalls. And suddenly a man in a white lab coat was walking over. A man I recognized. The man from the check-in. A tall, vaguely familiar man with a copper colored beard...

"Oh holy hell," Duo breathed out weakly and he grabbed a fistful of my shirt, leaning heavily on me.

It was then the realization hit me, too.


	24. 2.11 The Infiltrator

"Took you long enough." Despite the significantly altered appearance, the quiet sneer in his voice was completely unmistakable.

"T-Trowa?" I mumbled stupidly.

"Travis," he corrected with a casual wave of his hand. "I'm surprised you two managed to get your shit together long enough to make it up here before a war started."

I'm pretty sure Duo felt at least half as insulted as I did by that criticism.

"You could've given us a goddamned hint," Duo snapped back. "Not like Q isn't here right this fucking minute!"

Trowa's chuckle wasn't very kind as he pulled from his pocket a jump drive hanging from a chain, dangling it from his long fingers. "If you think I can go to Quatre with this, I hesitate to hand it over."

I reached out my hand for it but he withdrew his, catching the drive in his other hand and staring down at it thoughtfully before pining me with his irritation.

"Are you over it, Yuy?" he asked, his tone caustic and biting. "Whatever it is you thought you could trust Quatre with but not the man you supposedly love?" Accusation fell heavy with his words through the quiet room and Duo released the hold on my shirt, taking a step away from me. I didn't want to see his face. I was the solider but I still didn't want to see his face.

"It's between us now," I stated simply but the look Trowa gave me as his eyes shifted from Duo to me was doubtful. I guess Duo never really figured out just how close Quatre and I were during the six months before I disappeared.

"Look, our personal shit is just that – personal," Duo stepped in to defend me, much to my surprise. His words were laced with frustration that I didn't think was aimed at me. "This is way the fuck bigger than that."

Trowa sighed and handed me the drive. "Just be careful who you share that data with," he warned as I slipped the chain around my neck and into my shirt. "No one involved with NIG or WEI should know you have it or it will compromise my position here." The warning was explicit enough. Don't tell Quatre.

"I don't like this," Duo muttered. "Q deserves to know. You've been gone almost as long as 'Ro."

Trowa's eyes were like ice as they turned to Duo. "He might not know that I'm here, but he  _knows_  why I left."

Yeah. That particular barb was directed at me. But I didn't even flinch and he was back to business.

"I'm about to send some carts back to outbound that you can easily sneak back onto. But you'll have to make your way onto a ship from there. I can't help you any further." He appraised us with one sweeping movement of his eyes. "And you look like shit. So don't let anyone else see you."

Duo grumbled next to me, something about shitty reunions, and we followed Trowa through a few rooms to the receiving area that connected with the docking bay four levels up. Although I couldn't force my eyes from the strange suits with small cockpits and lanky limbs, I was distinctly relieved to be away from them and have the door shut behind us – as if maybe I could just forget they existed when they were no longer in my range of vision.

"You're the only employee down here?" I asked a bit incredulously when I noticed the suspicious lack of anyone else around.

"Training," Trowa explained absently, as if that one word should explain everything although it didn't. Duo shared a look with me that mimicked my concern.

"Here, take one of these carts back up," he instructed, lifting a big shipping blanket and exposing a cage-like cart underneath that could be rolled and hooked into an automated track system that carried it up and away to the docking bay. Duo and I slipped inside and Trowa met my eyes with one last look of warning.

"Remember, be careful. Don't trust anyone. I bought you a little time at check in and I'll buy you some once you leave but you should know they expected you to find this."

I felt my eyes go wide at his confession but before I could question him any further he threw down the burlap over us and was hooking us in to the track.

"Heero!" Duo hissed at me. I could barely make out his shape in the darkness.

"I don't know," I murmured back, just barely audible over the clank of the chain driving us forward.

After what had to be a good five minutes of slow movement in which Duo and I were left with our own thoughts over what Trowa could've meant, what it meant that he was here at all, the car rolled to a stop. Carefully and slowly Duo lifted the burlap and we stared into the rather quiet docking bay. I calculated how long we'd been down there, maybe an hour at most. I guessed most of the docking bay employees were listening to Quatre's speech. Which made me curious as to what Trowa meant by 'training.' Wouldn't any lower level employees also be forced to listen to the colony's cofounder? Or were they different somehow?

"Speech will be over soon," I said softly and Duo nodded, assessing which ship he thought we should take.

"Those are big ass freighters," he muttered. "Probably won't waste much on heating cargo levels with nothing to ship back." I wish we had thought of that before. Freezing to death in space on a cargo freighter wasn't exactly my idea of a successful mission.

"What about that one?" I pointed to a smaller passenger shuttle to the far side of the bay. It was similar in size to the one we'd come in on. In fact, we'd come in on a Sunday. It seemed to be a popular day for passenger craft. It was sure to be heated throughout and even if we were discovered, between the two of us we could easily take out the crew of a private shuttle that size.

Duo nodded and both of our eyes assessed the situation for the best path to it. There weren't many employees hovering around. Trowa had told us not to be seen but I thought our best chance was just to social engineer the situation and walk around as if we belonged. The bay employees didn't seem to be dressed much differently from those on the construction site. Probably had different badges, though.

"No reason to make a production," Duo warned quietly, his finger tracing a route along the freighters that kept us mostly hidden from the main corridors. Then he took off his knives, leaving them on the floor of that cart, and stepped out. I followed.

We snaked along the big hulking metal underbellies of the freighters with little interruption. When we were almost caught by two wayward employees, we turned our backs to them, Duo punching open an access panel and bitching about the lack of quality in freighter construction these days. My heart raced, fingers twitching with the impending fight, but I just heard chuckling as they passed.

When we made it to the shuttle we paused to determine whether it was manned or not. There appeared to be two employees inside and Duo cursed under this breath. We couldn't just knock them out if they were pilots or the shuttle would certainly be searched.

Then I noted a toolbox left lying near the hatch of a freighter nearly a hundred feet away. I nudged Duo with my elbow. "Distraction," I mouthed and signaled him to wait there.

I strode up to the box, gave a cursory glance to make sure no one would come looking for it right away, and snatched it up, carrying it quickly back. Duo gave me a curious look as I motioned him to the nose of the shuttle we were about to board. We stood on the left side, at the tip of the nose, the only door being on the opposite side. Quietly I opened the toolbox and pulled out the biggest wrench I could find.

Duo cocked an eyebrow and I gave him a clear look of warning and then I slid up past the nose and threw the wrench as hard as I could twenty-five feet into the freighter parked next to it. The loud crash reverberated across the entire bay and even though Duo was prepared, he still jumped at the sound. I had crouched back against the opposite side of the nose of the shuttle, listening carefully to see if the crew inside our shuttle exited. And of course, they fucking didn't.

"Damn," I growled as I picked up another wrench. I didn't really want to have to knock these guys out but I only had a limited amount of time before other employees showed up on the scene and I needed them out of there before we were caught up in a rash of curious bystanders.

Quickly I pitched forward, launching another wrench with the same force and speed, the same deafening ringing following the impact of metal on metal.

And then not only did I begin to hear voices of several curious employees from elsewhere converging on our location, but I thankfully heard the shuttle door hiss open and I motioned to Duo, turning into the corridor and playing up a quizzical expression – not exactly my strong suite – so that he would imitate me. He caught on quick, as usual, and glanced around curiously as six bay employees joined us and the pilots from our targeted shuttle to congregate out near the affected freighter.

In the commotion and questions Duo and I slunk back and snuck into the shuttle unnoticed, heading immediately for a closet in the back near the bathrooms. We slipped inside and shut the door, the closed off, dark space seeming far too quiet for the pounding of my heart. I fingered the jump drive around my neck as I breathed deeply, thankful it was still there, hopeful I would soon learn what secrets it possessed.

Duo chuckled breathlessly next to me, a strange and muted sound, and then I felt his fingers clamp down around my hand. The space was so tiny to begin with we were already pressed against one another, shoulders and thighs meeting, the chemical smell of the industrial cleaner that permeated our clothing from our trip through the waste pipe making my head ache. But that didn't seem to matter as his fingers squeezed mine. The solider was slipping again and in that adrenaline filled moment, I found it damn difficult to care.

He pulled hard on my arm, turning me in the small space so that we were pressed up against each other – face to face, hip to hip – and his mouth met mine with a furious need. My heart slammed in my chest and I dropped his hand in favor of gripping his ass, pulling him so close to me no space existed between us. The feeling of him so hard against me went straight to my dick and I pressed my own hardness into him. I felt him shake under me, his hands tangled in my hair, twisting it painfully as his teeth bit down on my lower lip.

I lifted him up by his ass, pushing him back against the wall as his knees gripped my waist. His hips were tipped up perfectly and my own hips bucked desperately against his ass, thankful for all the clothes between us. They kept me grounded, kept me in the reality that this wasn't going to happen right now. We couldn't be doing this. But  _fuck_  I wanted it. And the fact that Duo did too just drove my arousal to perilous heights.

We had too much shit to work out still. Even if we were alone and safe and naked... it  _still_  wouldn't be right.

His hands trailed down my biceps, gripping them painfully tight, and he groaned into my mouth. I knew he wanted to smack me and fight me and scream – become the wild thing he always was on a post-mission high. And damn if I didn't want that, too, as I fought to maintain control of my higher-level functions.

But this wasn't a normal mission. This wasn't a few uncomfortable months without his body to sate me. This was four damn years for him. The animal he wanted to be had been caged so long I worried that it might destroy me if I let it out. That his anger at my poor decisions would culminate in fury fueled castration.

I stopped just as suddenly as he started and Duo placed a few desperate kisses on my frozen lips before he resigned himself to our fate and dropped his legs quietly back to the floor. But my hands stayed in position on his hips and my forehead stayed pressed against his, our breathing heavy pants trapped in the fabric of the coats and spare uniforms surrounding us.

There were so many things I wanted to say to him then, but I couldn't, and he didn't really seem to need my words anyway. He just wrapped his arms around my neck and pulled me in closer so that I was flush against him once more, my nose buried in his neck. We slid to the floor like that and I curled up against him, nestled in between his bent legs, allowing myself a moment of weakness there in the dark, where no one but Duo could see. And I could hear his heart beating so rhythmically in his chest, a sound so comforting and familiar that it made me want to cry, although I didn't. And I wondered if that was how babies felt – lost when separated from the sound that ruled their lives for so long. I didn't know that I needed it but now that it was back, I could finally find some rest.

I think I drifted in and out of consciousness as we lay there, entwined together. I certainly lost all track of time. I forgave myself such a transgression to my personal mission standards – but then I seemed to be forgiving myself a lot of transgressions in favor of him.

But once we began to hear voices we both snapped to attention. Luckily no one seemed to need in our closet and we felt the shuttle engines start and the gravity shift as we left the colony. I think we both breathed a sigh of relief then. Wherever we were going would be fine. We were off that hulking hunk of metal and away from those ominous mobile suits and their implications and we were both safe, alive, and together.

We listened intently to the voices filtering nearer and further from us. It didn't appear the shuttle was densely occupied because I could distinctly note the various owners' of said voices. So it wasn't difficult to pick up when one employee mentioned something about 'Mister Winner' and Duo's fingernails dug into my wrist from gripping it so hard.

I wasn't sure if we were in luck or not. Trowa's esoteric warning didn't explicitly state that we were to stay away from Quatre, just not to give him the information on the jump drive. Certainly there was information we needed from Quatre...

Then I had a moment of clarity and I realized there was no way around it. Duo didn't know it, but I knew he knew about what was going on down there. Maybe he didn't know about the brain reconstruction and the slave work force, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt, but fuck if he didn't know about all those mobile suits down there. The information Jack left about Quatre, the file with the words 'recruitment pending' in bold across the top – I couldn't ignore those implications. It was the whole reason we were on L6 to begin with.

I brought my hand up and brushed it across Duo's cheek, slipping it down to his neck and holding him for a short, meaningful kiss. I sure hoped this wouldn't backfire astronomically, but I had no idea how Quatre would react to seeing me after all this time. He hadn't liked Jack and Duo warned me he'd be pissed if he heard from me once I woke up from the coma. So I had a fairly good idea that he'd not be too thrilled to see me when I stood and banged on the closet door so someone would come open it.

The door was thrown open only moments later and Duo and I stepped out, blinking, as our eyes rapidly adjusted to the light. Quatre sat there, facing us, genuine surprise in his wide, blue eyes.

"Heero, Duo," he greeted with a smooth, polite, mildly impressed tone as he tilted his champagne flute thoughtfully. "How refreshingly unexpected."


	25. 2.12 The New System

"You know what's going on down there." It was an accusation the likes of which I hadn't levied against a so-called friend in years. I heard the sharp intake of Duo's breath. I heard him step forward to come between us, to say some stupid thing to diffuse the tension, draw attention away from the issue. I blocked his pathway with my arm.

"I do," Quatre admitted easily. "But my employees do not. Come – sit down and rest and eat. You look terrible." I bit my tongue despite my inclination not to and fell into the seat across from him. Duo took a tentative seat beside me and Quatre directed the shuttle employees to bring us some drinks and cheese and whatever else he had available on his private shuttle.

"We'll be arriving on L4 main in about an hour," he announced, looking over both of us more carefully. "I hope you both will consider staying with me at my home...?" Duo turned to me for some sort of guidance but I just stared back at Quatre with the clear implication that I would do no such thing until I knew more about what the fuck was going on here.

He changed topics. "I suppose you're going by Heero now, no longer Jack, then?"

"Yes," I replied simply, holding back the further allegations I wanted to make in favor of propriety.

"You'll have to tell me what that was all about later. Duo was fairly frantic when you disappeared. We all were." Quatre's smooth, nonchalant voice was starting to grate on my nerves and Duo was starting to look 'fairly frantic' right about then as the tension built between us.

I felt like this was not the man I knew. Not the man who counseled me with patient kindness so many times during the war. Not the man at the beach house who lost all motor function when he was tipsy and fell backwards into the hot tub, laughed, and just stayed their – in all his clothes – while Duo brought him another drink. Not the man who reluctantly took over his father's company after the war, afraid of destroying the final vestiges of his father. Not the man who apologized while buying us superfluous Christmas presents out of misguided affection. Not the man who called me nearly every day for months, poured over data with me, worked tirelessly by my side to undo the affect ZERO had on my brain.

No, I didn't know this man – this was not Quatre Raberba Winner. This was some perverse copy, some strange thing molded from years of diplomatic snobbery. And I didn't know what to say.

The shuttle employee came back with a ridiculously varied spread considering we were on a small inter-colony shuttle and Duo heartily dug in to avoid having to deal with the mounting hostility between his ex-lover and his best friend.

"What kind of cheese is this, Quat?" he asked as he shoved a piece desperately in his mouth, trying to gain some kind of foothold in the situation, drag it back to some kind of normality.

"Abondance, I believe." He picked up a piece of his own to taste and confirmed with a slight nod of his head. I found this unreasonably infuriating.

I tried to rein in my anger as this sort of meaningless conversation continued for the rest of the two-hour flight. Part of me wished I'd just stayed in that damned closet a little bit longer because any moment in there was better than a moment out here. But finally we were docking and Duo's mouth seemed to be shut for a while and I was glaring at Quatre with a level of intensity I hadn't used since fuck knows when. I was just about to speak when Quatre held up a hand to interrupt me.

"I have something important to show you that will hopefully change how you feel about this." He seemed weary then and I was angry at the pang of sympathy I felt for him. Despite my overwhelming frustration, he was still a close friend, someone I had come to depend on nearly as much as I depended on Duo. I couldn't find any pleasure in his suffering.

"Okay," I agreed and Quatre seem to visibly ease, a moment of his old self shining through as he gave a tiny smile to my acceptance.

"Thank you." I could tell he was sincere. "We will have to take my car back to my estate, though." I shrugged with indifference. There was clearly no way out of it and going there didn't require me to spend the night there.

We were quiet as we were lead through the docking bay disembarkation procedures of L4 and chauffeured to a private parking deck where a driver was waiting with a small, six-seat limousine for Quatre's transport.

The door was opened and we slipped in, Duo sitting next to me, Quatre across, similar to how we sat in the plane. Once the driver was assured Quatre didn't need anything in particular, Quatre put up a sound proof barrier between the driver and us and settled in for the ride to his estate.

"So, Heero," Quatre opened diplomatically, "what brought you to L6?"

I paused to gather my thoughts when Duo spoke unexpectedly.

"We'll show you ours  _only_  if you show us yours first."

I was surprised by his abrupt defense but I didn't show it. He had been so quick to support me today I found myself appreciating him more than I had anticipated I would when I invited him on this venture. Even if his presence made it difficult for me on L6 in some ways, his skill as my partner couldn't be questioned.

Poor Duo, I thought as Quatre sighed and realized he wasn't getting out of talking first. Duo held no cards but he acted like he had a royal flush.

"The L6 project is more than a new colony installation in space," he started tersely, obviously uncomfortable, choosing carefully exactly what he was going to reveal and how. "It truly is, in the mind of Sergio, a new future for humanity. The best minds in the entire Earth Sphere have been recruited to work on it. You must know, we all were." I nodded but Duo scoffed.

"Sure, they wanted 'Ro but they didn't really want me. Probably not Trowa or Wufei, either."

Smooth, Duo, I thought as he clearly tried to create distance between the fact that Trowa actually was on L6 right now and had been for years.

"That's neither here nor there," Quatre dismissed him with a flourish. "What matters is that all that intelligence is working towards a goal they don't even realize – the forced evolution of human consciousness."

"ZERO," I breathed and Quatre nodded his head while Duo whipped his head from Quatre to me and back, his bristling hostility palpable.

"No wonder they didn't fucking want  _me_ ," he muttered under his breath but I ignored him in favor of staring down Quatre.

"Have they succeeded?" I asked. God only knew what information Jack had subconsciously provided them with during his time there.

"With my help," Quatre confessed bluntly and Duo veritably exploded.

"They've got a thousand fucking mobile suits down there with ZERO on them?" Quatre winced at his angry shout and I was shocked he was able to restrain himself enough to remain seated. I expected something more from Duo when Quatre interjected, looking pained.

"They have a thousand mobile suits on L6?"

"You don't know?" I asked, legitimately surprised, and he shook his head. "We can only verify about a hundred and fifty." If he didn't know about that... Then he really didn't know about the brain reconstructions? How could they hide all that from him?

"I expected it," he admitted, "but not this soon."

"But who the fuck is gonna pilot them?" Duo snapped and I turned to look at him then for the first time since we sat down in the limo. He was physically trembling in anger and I knew him well enough to know that what he really needed right then was a punching bag or a few miles worth of track. And we were stuck in a limo. "You and Zechs and 'Ro are the only ones who ever mastered it. Maybe that Catalonia chick. Maybe 'Fei could, maybe 'Tro. Maybe me, but I won't fuckin' do it. Where are they going to find a hundred and fifty soldiers?" He avoided the accusation he really wanted to make and I think Quatre knew it, too.

"It's not ZERO they'd be piloting," Quatre started and I turned back with a certain level of confusion. "They'd be piloting HERA, a new system I developed with help from the Nexxus R&D team. An evolution of the ZERO system."

"HERA?" I inquired and Quatre nodded.

"Human Emotional Range Actuator. Instead of removing the human element and making purely tactical decisions based on all available factors the way ZERO did, HERA is an AI which uses the pilot's emotions to offer the best possible outcome. HERA is also unique in that it can interface with other HERA AIs currently active and communicate with each other, forming the best fit solution for all pilots. It can even share the emotional state of pilots with each other. It is primarily a peaceful system." Quatre didn't look even remotely apologetic. "When we understand our enemies, we don't need to fight."

Duo snorted skeptically as I took in exactly what it was Quatre was saying. But Duo apparently didn't need to think about it very long.

"If this is such a 'peaceful' system," sarcasm laced his caustic words, "why have they developed mobile suits, huh?"

Quatre looked a bit uncomfortable. "I'm not positive as Sergio hasn't confided this stage of the plan to me. But I assume, if we have a collective hive mind, what use is the human body? We can have any body we want."

"Yeah, some of us can have the power to destroy others. Real great. Real fucking great." Duo threw himself back in his seat and crossed his arms over his chest haughtily, staring out the window at the scenery passing by. I fought the urge to touch him, comfort him, and instead stared at Quatre, trying to take in everything he'd just told us, figure out our next step.

"I'm guessing there's more," I said after a few minutes of tense silence. "Or else we wouldn't need to go to your estate."

Quatre nodded. "Yes. Sergio may keep secrets from me, but I keep secrets from him, too."

I accepted that and Quatre apparently had nothing further to say so I started thinking back on everything that happened since I awoke in the hospital. Quatre's recruitment by Nexxus finally made sense. But one thing stood out to me as I considered the note Jack left me...

"You knew Nexxus was going to hurt Duo."

Duo's head snapped around at my statement and Quatre smoothed his pants absently.

"I didn't know, but I suspected. I knew what their psyche profile said about Duo. I was concerned that if he got close to you again, and they found out, they would eliminate him rather than risk losing you."

"Wait – what psyche profile? What did it say?" Duo inquired quickly as soon as Quatre finished.

"It suggested that your death would be the easiest way to recruit me," I explained apathetically and Duo's eyes narrowed.

"Fuckers," he muttered, his scowl deepening. "Knew I should've found that guy and decked him while I had the chance..."

"I did what I could to protect both of you," Quatre offered, a hint of frustration in his voice. "They approached me first and I had to deal with the ramifications of that initial conversation ever since."

Thankfully Duo let it go and returned to staring out the window. Quatre looked curiously back and forth at us a few times while Duo wasn't watching and I knew what he wanted to ask. I just glared at him. Our relationship was really none of his business and beyond that, I wouldn't know what to tell him anyway.

It was only about fifteen more minutes before we were pulling up to the sprawling Winner estate. Duo glowered at it like it had personally offended him and I was surprised at his continued negativity. Quatre led us through the halls and I noted the furtive, shocked stares of his house staff at our strange, stained attire. I looked down at myself and realized the brown jumpsuit was slowly bleaching from the chemical cleaner. I'm sure we weren't the typical guests the billionaire business mogul escorted through his palatial home.

Eventually we were led to an elevator and Quatre flipped down an access panel and entered in a pass code. We headed downward for much longer than I anticipated based on my understanding of the layout of the estate.

When the doors opened we were clearly in some kind of underground bunker. We were lead down a small corridor into a huge room that had the dimensions of a hangar. Lights flipped on automatically one after another as we walked further into the room. I could feel Duo's tension crackling off him like electricity.

And then Quatre stopped as the last few lights turned on and we were face to face with three Gundams.

Duo gasped and grabbed Quatre's arm, turning him to meet his face. "What the fuck is this, man? You – you drafted the legislation which outlawed mobile suit construction!"

Quatre looked a bit contrite at Duo's clearly pained and begging eyes but he just shirked off Duo's arm and turned back to the Gundams, staring at them with reverence.

"Apollo. Ares. Zeus." Quatre announced, a hand outstretched to present them and I gazed up at the cold, gleaming metal, a difficult piece of my past rising up to meet me. I had never considered that I might have to pilot a Gundam again and yet, here I was, faced with that very real, very distinct possibility.

As glad as I was to see the weapon I had been trained to kill in – the destructive force with which I had taken so many lives – destroyed after the Mariemaia incident, I don't think it would've been possible for me not to be thrilled at the idea of piloting again. My fingers itched to climb into the cockpit of one of those machines, feel the g's, the power, the exhilaration of flight again. A part of me understood that even if this wasn't necessary, Quatre might have built these anyway. He had to feel it. Duo had to feel it, too, but I knew him. He wouldn't embrace it. He would try to hide from it, horrified by his own desire.

"These could decimate the suits we saw." It was an educated guess. Unless there was an alloy stronger than Gundanium that I was unaware of. But I suppose the information Trowa gave us should clarify a few things.

"Uh-uh. No way. Ain't gonna happen." Duo began, shaking his head and taking a few steps backward. "This is getting too big. We aren't doing this. We're bringing in someone else. Preventer, someone, no. No."

"Duo," Quatre said, exasperation evident in his tone, but Duo held up a hand to cut him off.

"What the fuck system is in there anyway? HERA?" He turned his livid eyes to me then. "ZERO's sister system? You really want to do that again? You really want to fucking do that to  _us_  again?"

I opened my mouth to speak but Quatre interrupted me. He must've sensed that absolutely nothing said to Duo at that moment was going to be even remotely productive. "Look, we can talk about this later. You both must be exhausted. I can have rooms prepared, dinner sent up. You can rest and we can reprise this discussion in the morning."

I nodded and Duo bristled, walking quickly back the way we came. Quatre and I followed after and we rode the elevator up to the main level in hostile silence.


	26. 2.13 The Apology

Quatre had a member of his staff show us to two rooms situated next to each other and she explained that she would have clothing and food sent up for us to be set in the shared parlor room between the two. I was fairly certain Duo would want to have nothing to do with me so I was surprised when she left us and he followed me into my chosen room, slamming and locking the door behind him.

Immediately he grabbed an end table with what I hoped wasn't a priceless vase and threw it with an unbridled amount of force into the ground. His eyes glowed dangerously and I found my heart pounding in my chest, my desire for him reaching an unprecedented high. Something about today – working together again, seeing Gundams again, feeling his adrenaline fueled need under my fingers again – reignited my passion for him in a way I was helpless to combat, especially now that we were truly alone. And those eyes... I knew what was coming. I knew the abuse he wanted to rain down on me and I wanted it. I wanted his angry hands on me. I wanted him to slap and scratch and bite me.

Fuck but I wanted  _him_  so goddamned bad – !

"I can't  _believe_  you would think about getting in one of those things again!" He pointed angrily but he stood his ground, his arm shaking in his rage and I knew it was only a matter of time before he broke and got physical again.

"I have to," I replied simply, waiting for the onslaught.

"The hell you do!" He stepped forward, his boots crunching into the shattered porcelain beneath his feet. I knew he had to be stopping himself because he had to know what was coming, what would happen if he laid a hand on me. "You destroyed our lives the instant you stepped into Epyon, you know that, right? If you'd never piloted ZERO, we wouldn't be doing this right now."

"I had to pilot ZERO. And I've destroyed more than just  _our_  lives now." My voice started picking up as my internal frustration grew. "Lennon, Ralph, Blair, Miguel, all those people up, they are slaves – slaves  _I_  created. Don't you understand? I can't live with myself knowing I created that and did nothing to stop it."

"Always gotta be the goddamned hero, don't you?" His voice was quiet, dark, as he took another step forward and I waited for the snap.

"I'll atone for my sins."

And then the first punch came. It landed hard on my jaw and I quickly jerked my head back around to look at him, anticipating another hit.

"Your sins are too great," he warned me dangerously. "You will  _never_  be forgiven."

"Good," I snapped back, feeling the crushing weight of his words, knowing he wasn't talking about God or whatever astral force humanity prayed to. He was talking about himself. And everything I felt on L6 came rushing back to me with a poignancy that rocked me harder than Duo's fist and my hands tightened so hard they hurt. "You shouldn't forgive me. I don't want your charity. I  _never_  wanted your charity."

I watched as something changed in Duo's eyes and his anger turned to rage. His next punch landed on my ribs and was immediately followed by his left fist attempting the same maneuver but I grabbed, twisting his arm painfully and he became like a wild animal. He reached up with his right hand, digging his nails into my face.

"Don't be so fucking self-righteous you dick," he sneered, rending his left hand from my grasp in the sudden burst of pain I felt at his claws. "I knew my love would never be enough for you but I didn't realize you were such a goddamned narcissist." He slapped the area he'd just raked across my cheek and the pain was somewhat unbelievable to me. "I just wanted to care for you, be by your side, be your companion. I thought you loved me but you fucking  _abandoned_  me!"

In a quick motion I grabbed the base of his head by his hair and whipped him around, slamming him across into the wall. I stalked after him, restraining him against the wall by his throat with one hand. "I tried to protect you and you –"

"You don't have to fucking  _protect_  me! I'm not a goddamned princess!" he shouted his interruption, his hands clawing furiously at my wrist, knowing he was incapable of removing my iron grip. I found it difficult to focus on his words in my frustration and my fingers tightened slightly around his windpipe.

"I am a machine," I told him darkly, trying to impress on him the one thing no one understood about me, the one thing I would never be able to escape no matter how many happy days we spent together in cohabitual bliss. "I am no different from those Gundams. I am a weapon, an instrument of war, designed by war, forged in war. I  _do_  have to protect you. I have to protect  _everyone_  from myself."

"Heero," his voice was barely a whisper against my vise and I watched as his eyes shifted to that pity – always that goddamned  _pity_  – and my anger, a coiled and constricted snake in the pit of my belly, struck out and I threw him on the ground, my boot planting firmly in his chest.

"Don't do that," I growled down at him. "I don't need it. I don't deserve it."

"What? Care?" He glared back up at me. "Too fucking late for that buddy." But the pity was gone and the anger was back and in a swift movement he grabbed my leg, smashing the back of my weak knee and forcing me onto the floor with him. My face ground into the shattered pieces of broken vase and I felt the cuts distantly as Duo dug his hands into my jumpsuit and drug me back to standing, turning me to face him, a cruel hand shoving the sharp grit deeper into my cheek.

I met his eyes and I did the one thing I thought could hurt him more than any other, even though I knew it would hurt me too. I leaned in and kissed him.

His fist clenched tighter in the material of my shirt and my mouth immediately filled with the taste of blood as he bit down on my lip. But my hands gripped his head and held it in place as he tried to pull away from the kiss. I felt my head buffeted with smacks from his free hand and his booted foot kicked my shin as he fought to get away. I forced him backward until we slammed into the wall and I pinned him there with my hips. I was so hard it hurt as my mouth finally left his to trail bloody kisses down his neck, biting into the soft flesh as his hands clawed at me. His angry fingers tearing down my neck just fanned the fire, my arousal utterly possessing me, and I fought not to turn him around, hold him down, force him. I might've done a lot of shit in my life, but I wouldn't do that. I couldn't do that.

And then I realized that his fingers had stopped and he held them weakly against my collarbones. He tilted his head to allow my teeth better access to the juncture between his neck and his shoulder and I lavished attention on it, hopeful that he felt what I did, that this turned him on as much as it did me. Just like old times, when we fought to feel something because in the absence of the intensity of war, we found it difficult to feel at all.

His fingertips trembled and I felt them slide to my jumpsuit, hooking in the zipper and pulling it down. I gasped as his hands slid across my t-shirted abs, over my hips, down under my boxers to my ass where he grabbed, tightly, holding my hips against his. My head slammed forward into the wall, my body veritably sagging against his, and I moaned urgently as he jerked his hips upward against mine furiously, the friction more than I could stand.

I grabbed his hips then, stopping his movements so I could gain an ounce of brain function back, and I stared at him, his chin covered in my blood, his eyes laden with lust, and damn but I thought he was the most fuckable thing I'd ever seen. I had never been with anyone else, but I didn't see how anyone else could ever compare to him.

And then he was kissing me, his tongue needy in my mouth, his hands ripping the jumpsuit off of me. And I was reciprocating, trying to get him undressed as quickly as possible in our frenzied desperation.

"Do you think – Q has – any – ?" he panted out and pushed off the wall, tumbling us backwards towards the bathroom, neither of us able to stop touching the other. I finally had his jumpsuit at his hips and was tearing off his undershirt, frantic to see that muscled body I'd loved so well. He helped by lifting his arms as we reached the bathroom door and I threw the shirt to the floor, immediately drifting my fingers roughly over every rippling curve of his musculature.

Duo hit desperately for a light with one hand as the other dug painfully into my hair as we kissed. Finally light flooded the room and Duo pulled away to turn reluctantly in my arms. I grabbed his hips agonizingly tight, dragging him up against me, my hips grinding willingly against his ass in an imitation of everything I wanted to do to him. He steadied himself by gripping the sink with one arm while he threw open the mirrored medicine cabinet with the other. I heard the glass shatter as it banged into the wall but I didn't see it as I buried my face in the back of his neck, nipping it, one hand trailing up the soft hair above his boxers up across his abs and to his pecs where my fingers flirted with a hard nipple, twisting it and eliciting a sharp gasp from him.

"Fucking Vaseline," I heard him mutter and he turned back around, creating a little distance between us and kicking out of the rest of the jumpsuit so that he was left only in boxers. My eyes slid down his body to his fully erect dick hanging out and the sight was unbearable. I rubbed a hand over my own painful erection, still clothed in way too much fabric, and Duo grabbed my wrist with his free hand, his fingernails digging into it, a chastising look on his face.

"Nuh uh-uh." His eyes narrowed and he moved my hand to his ass, pressing back up against me and forcing me backwards, out of the bathroom. My knees found the edge of the bed and I sat abruptly. I tugged off his boxers as he disrobed me to my waist and then I didn't care what kind of repercussions I got, I leaned down and took him in my mouth.

His fingers twisted in my hair and shoved me forward uncomfortably, but I took it, the feel of his cock swelling in my mouth better than I ever remembered. I reached out a hand, feeling for where Duo had set the Vaseline, and I found it with a sense of triumph, opening it behind Duo's back as he tried to restrain himself from shoving further back into my throat. I coated my fingers in the thick gel and felt his whole body tense as I slid an exploratory finger into him.

"Jesus  _fucking_  Christ!" he ground out through clenched teeth as he came hard in my mouth, collapsing over me, folding his upper body around my head. I hardly got to taste him as he shoved as far as possible forward and I sucked gently as he finished, his whole body shuddering with the sensation.

I let him go and looked up at him, unsure of how he wanted to proceed. He looked back down apologetically.

"I'm sorry, you just –"

I stood and kissed him, not wanting him to apologize and take the heat out of the moment. His fingers moved across my thigh to rub me through the jumpsuit and I groaned into his mouth.

"Fuck me," he said, his lips against mine, driving me fucking mad. "I  _need_  to feel you fuck me."

I turned him and threw him down on the bed, shedding the rest of my clothes and staring at the handsome form of my lover, my partner, my mate, as he propped himself up on his elbows, spreading his legs wide for me. I climbed over him on the bed, kissing his abs as my fingers went to work stretching him. The whines and moans he made at my careful ministrations were so delicious I didn't think I would last very long at all once I finally got inside him. And I noted with a certain level of satisfaction that he was already getting hard for me again. Between the two of us, Duo always had the higher libido, and his recovery time was exceptional. I never could keep pace with him but if I managed to satisfy him twice in a row I took it as a point of pride.

My hand found his quickly hardening dick and I pumped it as my fingers slid in and out of him, his head whipping back and forth as his moans became more desperate. Watching him thrash helplessly like that was fascinating and I felt my cock twitch in response.

"What the fuck are you waiting for?" he asked of me in a rush and I stopped, pausing to slick my dripping dick hastily in Vaseline before positioning myself under him. And despite how violent we were and how sadistic we could be, this I always did gently. The trust this required I would not sacrifice.

I groaned as I penetrated him slowly, noting how his fists balled up in the sheets, his legs trembling against my ribs. My hands kept his hips still as I pushed forward, his warmth enveloping me in a feeling of homecoming that nearly made me weep. It had been so long and I had felt so sure I would never have this again... Even before the fall and the hospital and Jack, everything was wrong, everything was bad, and I was so scared I was going to hurt him, and I thought every time would be our last. This, now, it was unbelievable to me and all I wanted was for this moment to last forever.

I paused when I was completely buried in him, staring at his sweaty, panting body, his eyes meeting mine with expectation, with imprudent affection, and I leaned down to kiss him. It was a soft kiss, so different from the others we'd shared tonight. And as we kissed I slid back an inch and forward again into him, fucking him so damned gently it hardly made sense considering the events leading up to this moment but that is what I wanted to do. That is what I  _had_  to do.

Laying my head on his chest I grunted softly as I moved back and forth and his fingers slipped through my hair, stroking it, kissing it with light caresses. I turned my head into his flesh, my lips moving across it with tenderness as I made my way back up into a sitting position. Duo was watching me carefully, biting his lower lip, and it was then I realized he was as close to tears as I was and I hastily looked away, focusing back on his body, hoping to give us both some dignity.

My hands found his dick again and I focused on that as my speed increased, hoping to bring him with me this time. He mumbled incoherencies as I slid forward, each thrust bringing me closer to the edge.

"Aw, fuck, 'Ro...!" he cried, something like a sob catching in the back of his throat as his body tensed down around me and I shoved forward once more before I was gasping and falling on him, my arms wrapping around his waist and dragging him closer to me as I buried myself as far as possible in his body. I pressed my face into his stomach, not caring about the smattering of cum there, just desperate to feel him on every surface of my body, wanting to melt into him so that we would never have to be apart again.

My eyes burned as his hands cradled my head and I was loath to pull out of him, unwilling in the aftershock of such an intense orgasm to force myself back to a reality that had too many problems, too many harsh implications. Regardless of whether Duo wanted my protection or not, the fact of the matter was that I couldn't truly protect him from this. From the future. From whatever was going to happen now. It was too late. I couldn't protect anyone.

I realized I was sniffling and I sat up, wiping at my eyes and the cum on my face. Duo was chuckling weakly and he sat up next to me, his strong hands resting on my jaw, forcing my eyes to meet his, and I realized they shone with tears too. He kissed me hesitantly, mindful of my smarting lip that suddenly seemed to hurt a whole lot worse than it had before, and he rested his forehead against mine, nuzzling his nose against mine slowly.

"I love you," he whispered. "No matter how much it hurts me, no matter what you do, no matter what you think you are, I love  _you_."

I crushed him against me then, the confirmation I longed for finally received. He pushed me back after a moment, meeting my eyes again, both of ours a bit drier now. Duo gave me a tentative smile and brushed some hair out of my eyes.

"Will you trust me that I can handle your shit?" he asked, repeating familiar words overheard at Relena's cottage what seemed like a decade ago but was actually only a few weeks.

I nodded solemnly, realizing that had I just been forward with him from the beginning all of this probably would've been avoided. But at the time it seemed so prudent I protect him... during a time when there were no greater threats than myself. I was the last relic of a deadly war, the last weapon of that horror left on Earth and in space. I thought I was the worst that could ever happen. Now I knew I was wrong.

"Will you trust me to do what I need to do?" I returned the question I knew he would have a difficult time answering. Four years ago I needed to disappear and the outcome of that was his abandonment. Now I was talking about recreating the experience that lead to that event. Piloting ZERO's sister system. But I had just promised to be open with him, so that changed things to a degree.

He sighed and nodded. "But can I make a suggestion?" I gave him a curious look as a smile teased his face. "What you  _need_ to do right now is go get that food that's supposed to have been left for us, pick that vase out of your face, and take a shower or your hair is gonna stick like that." His little, familiar smile was a comfort I seemed to forget how much I missed until it was there again, shining up at me with true, simple fondness.

I placed my hand on his cheek and ran my thumb across it, assessing him, waiting for the smile to falter. But it didn't.

"Are we all right?" I asked at last. He took his time answering so I knew it wasn't flippant.

"Yeah," he finally said. "Yeah, I think we're gonna be all right. Just... you know, there's still some shit to talk about but... I forgive you."

In a move uncharacteristic for me I slid forward, wrapping him in a loose hug, resting my face in his shoulder. "I love you." A whispered a phrase I rarely spoke, my throat tight. His hands just stroked across my back in reply.


	27. 2.14 The Catch

Duo headed for the bathroom and I took his advice, skirting the broken vase with my bare feet and righting the table on my way to the shared parlor. I peeked out hesitantly and seeing the coast was clear and that food and clothing was indeed left for us, I grabbed it and wondered just what that employee heard beyond the door and would report back to the boss.

I shoved a sandwich into my mouth quickly while I listened to the sink running, suddenly ravenous. I contemplated Duo Maxwell and how damned lucky I was that anyone would put up with my shit for this long. For fucks sake, I didn't make the best impression, stealing probably a quarter of Deathsycthe's parts after our first meeting. That should've been an indication to him right then and there to get the fuck out while he still could.

Stubborn fucking idiot.

But I found myself moving forward into the bathroom where he was splashing water on his face and I pressed up against his back, embracing him from behind, holding him against my chest with my arms. I felt him sigh as I nudged his braid away from his neck with my nose and planted a kiss there.

"I smell turkey," Duo accused and I chuckled in the back of my throat.

"There's a whole plate of food out there for you – sandwiches, fruit, little chocolate cakes," I informed him as I moved away, staring into the unbroken half of the vanity mirror and taking in my seriously abused face.

"There's peroxide," Duo returned, handing me a bottle. My eyes slid up to his with a bit of a glare. I looked like I had been tied to the back of a car and drug across pavement. He just shrugged unapologetically and toweled off his own face.

I went to work picking porcelain out with tweezers as he left the bathroom and I heard him exclaim with delight when his eyes landed on the food.

"Petit fours!" he called in. "Not little chocolate cakes!"

I grimaced. It sounded like a Relena word.

It took me probably twenty minutes to attend properly to my face and even then I felt some scaring was likely. I was immensely grateful for a hot shower and deliberated under the steady stream for a lot longer than was necessary. Understandably by the time I was clean and dry and Trowa's jump drive was safely placed around my neck again, my face ached and I felt exhausted and I wanted very little else but to lay down in that luxurious bed with my handsome partner.

Walking back into the bedroom I was treated to the image of Duo sprawled across the bed, dozing contentedly, his hair still terribly mussed from earlier – making it that much harder to fight the desire to bask in our much welcomed reunion, take time to rememorize every solid inch of him, lay down next to him so close our sides could merge as one and my soul would be complete. Instead I began tugging on the clothes left for us with no amount of weary resignation.

It would be better to get this over with now, without Duo knowing.

I slipped quietly from the room, trying to recall Quatre's exact hand placement on the elevator's keypad as I moved down the halls. However, I found my concern was unnecessary when I saw him sitting comfortably in a chair at the bottom landing of the stairs. It seemed as though he was expecting me as he turned knowing eyes towards mine. But his face changed slightly as I stepped into the soft lamplight.

"Your face?" he questioned as he stood, although I knew if he thought about it, he really didn't need to ask.

"Duo," was all I said.

I expected some sort of snide remark but he just nodded and lead me to the elevator, entering his code as he had done only hours ago, and we descended once again into the underground hangar.

I didn't need to ask how he knew I would come. He knew me well enough to know I would be driven here by interest, by guilt, and by desire. We were the same, all of us. I didn't need to contemplate how many times he sat in those cockpits since their construction started. I knew it would be every night he spent here, every time he had a free moment. If it weren't for ZERO, Duo would've beaten me down here. Part of me half expected him to appear out of thin air behind me, following me stealthily since my departure.

But he didn't and it was just Quatre and I who faced the three suits this time. I turned my eyes to him, silently questioning if he had a preference to which one I should try.

"Zeus' design is the most similar to Wing," he explained, the direction of his stare indicating the gleaming gold and white hulk of machinery standing in the center, flanked by one of black and one of red. "You know the password."

He shared a meaningful smile with me and I nodded before quickly ascended the ladder that reached the construction scaffolding flanking the three suits. The cockpit was already open and I jumped easily from the shoulder down into it, falling into the familiar seating as easily as I fell into Duo's body less than an hour ago. My mind unhelpfully provided a myriad of stressful memories as my trembling fingers traced the memorable control panel. I really never thought I would be here again. I thought I was it, the last weapon of hostile man and yet... here I was. I had found a brother again. My hands strained as they gripped the thrusters – every inch of me forced to remind myself where I was as I brought the suit to life.

Duo was here. I promised him. Together.

I quickly shifted through the file system and brought up HERA, staring at the four-letter password prompt with an uncomfortable grin lancing pain into my busted face. Deftly I typed the letters: H – E – R – A.

_Hello, subject alpha. Or as you prefer, Heero Yuy._

Immediately I was greeted with the disconcerting feeling of another consciousness floating in the back of my minds' eye and I flinched away from what felt like fingers on my shoulders. My hands grasped desperately at tendrils of nothing as my panic rose.

_There is no need to panic – I am Hera. I am here to help._

Help? Her calming words seemed to soothe me and I remembered Quatre saying something about an AI... But he damn well could've warned me. This was nothing like ZERO. Nothing at all.

_I am an unbiased observer of your emotions. I can help you decipher what it is you truly want._

And suddenly I was being hit with an overwhelming flash of images – my memories from before, my memories of sitting in a similar cockpit ten years ago – and pain and sorrow gripped me in a way that made me gasp, tears springing unbidden to my eyes.

_This is what you want?_

I shook my head furiously as I fought for control of my brain from the AI. And then Duo's face filled my mind, but it wasn't his face as much as an amalgamation of every time I'd ever seen his face. Love and anger, fear and contentment, joy and reservation, every emotion I'd ever seen him express, every face he ever made that ever caused even the smallest twitch of my heart was displayed before me in one startling instance and I knew exactly what HERA wanted me to see.

_This is what you want._

YES.

The definitive way with which my heart responded in my moment of clarity made my whole body quake with the overwhelming feel of it. Never in my life had I ever had a full body emotional experience like this. Always there was something there – my training, my reservation, my own mind – blocking me. I wondered if Duo felt his own emotions this intensely. I wondered if anyone ever did. I wondered how anyone ever could.

_This is what they all want._

They who? I wondered. What do they want? Duo?

_Love._

Without realizing it I was apparently asking HERA as I felt her stretch across the universe, drawing my psyche with her as we reached a distant point in space. It was far beyond the most mind-altering experience I ever had and let's face it – I've had some pretty serious mind fucks in my relatively short life. Yeah, ZERO certainly did a number on me more than once, but shit a couple months ago I woke up with four years of my life missing and no memories to account for the lost time.

And then I choked and slammed my eyes shut, unable to avoid HERA or the images flooding my mind as my brain seared in agony, pain shooting through every neuron and synapse instantaneously until I figured that it was a very real possibly that my brain would simply explode.

Memories of a moment I didn't even know shot through my brain like fireworks, sparks flying behind my eyes, a little girl in a pink gingham frock pressed up against my chest, cradled in my arms so carefully.

A little girl with a young dog standing in a park.

The same, but different. The same because in that instant I realized I had committed them to the same fate. Different because this little girl was still alive.

Her face filled my vision and I saw her smile in recognition of me, her feelings of joy and surprise engulfing and devastating my unprepared body.

"She tells me your name is Heero now," she said, her quiet voice ringing through my ears and I slammed my hands against them, banging my head down into the console, desperately trying to get that little girl out of my head. I clawed frantically at my head, ripping at the skin on my face until blood dripped down into the controls from my previous wounds.

This wasn't happening.

This wasn't FUCKING happening!

GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HEAD!

I begged in the most hysterical, pathetic way I had ever begged for anything in my life and I felt her pain at my internal screaming and her own anguish reflected back at me and magnified mine tenfold until my breath heaved and I thought my chest might collapse.

"But Jack – I thought you were my friend?"

It was too late. It was too goddamned late.

Fuck.


	28. 3.1 The Ramifications

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so begins the last part of the trilogy, Part Three, Restitution of a Former Life

When I awoke, the first thing I could ascertain with any sort of certainty was that I must have a migraine. My head ached fiercely and my stomach roiled with nausea. The lights seemed painfully bright despite the fact that there were only a few lamps lit and I swallowed hard, lifting a shaky hand to my mouth and begging my body not to rebel.

And suddenly I was being lifted with a strong arm across my back and under my armpit and drug through the room, my unsteady feet just barely keeping me up, and I was set unceremoniously before a toilet. I bit down into my lower lip, a feat that caused an unexpected amount of pain, and laid my sweaty head across folded arms, still trying to fight the inevitable.

I fucking  _hate_  throwing up.

I have no concept of how much time I spent over that toilet because the shittiest thing about migraines is it doesn't matter how empty your stomach is, you still feel sick. Thinking back to the events that lead me here was a misery in and of itself so I didn't try. But eventually compassionate, cool hands rubbed my back for a while and I felt steady enough to lean back into the touch with closed eyes.

As I eased back and rested between Duo's legs, my head laying on his inner thigh, I felt him press aspirin and a glass of water into my hands, both of which I accepted and took rather tentatively as the slightest movement redoubled the nausea.

When I awoke next I was huddled up against Duo in the dark bathroom, the gentle sound of his breathing and the rise and fall of his chest soothing me despite how badly my muscles ached from sleeping in that position. My migraine had downgraded to a sharp headache and my mouth tasted horrible and I was suddenly starving but I pressed my face into Duo's chest for a moment, taking comfort in him before he woke up and I wouldn't be able to any longer.

I would have to face Duo, face his anger, face – no, not Duo. I would have to face myself, what I'd done, accept that I was a catalyst to this situation and I... I just wanted one more moment of peace.

His hands slid through my hair as he came to and I sighed, voluntarily standing and limping over to the sink. Every muscle in my body was uncomfortably tight and I tried not to lean too heavily on the sink as I dug around for a toothbrush. Duo yawned and stood, hitting a pale light over the vanity and handing me the item I quested for before leaving me alone to wash up.

I stared into the broken mirror and noted blood had dried on my chin and thought back to how I bit and re-busted my lip before retching horribly for god only knows how long. But then I noticed the hastily but not very well cleaned lacerations starting in my hairline and sweeping down my temples. As if Duo didn't do enough work on my face, I had to finish the job myself in Zeus' cockpit. I noted the dried blood under my fingernails as I brought the toothbrush to my mouth.

What a goddamned train wreck.

"Do you think you feel up to talking to Quat?" Duo asked carefully once I'd emerged from the bathroom. I threw off the shirt I was wearing slid on the new one he proffered.

"Yeah, fine," I agreed, faintly surprised he wasn't chewing into me. I wasn't sure how I got here specifically – I vaguely remember falling from the cockpit but then every time I'd ever fallen from a cockpit kind of merged together in that instant I hit the access panel – but I was sure Duo had to have been informed of how I ended up in this predicament.

Duo scanned my face, surely noting the new injuries, and shook his head wearily. He looked pretty rough but then he slept in a bathroom last night for my sake. "Wish you would've waited for me."

"Wouldn't have made a difference."

"Still."

We both had the maturity to acknowledge that conversation had no direction and no end so I let him have the last word and we wandered in silence to some predetermined sitting room Duo had obviously been informed of last night. Quatre was there, pouring tea, and he just briefly glanced at us as we entered. My eyes searched out the room and I stared at what had to be a complete set of family portraits placed around the circular room as well as ornate wallpaper and plush chairs. But really, it was the fruit and pastry platter that my eyes locked on.

Quatre offered us to help ourselves and we stacked our little plates. At a certain point after they exchanged some pleasantries it became obvious to me that they were both looking at me for some sort of explanation and I paused, taking a deep breath and recalling the events of last night fully for the first time.

"Last night HERA... connected me? I don't know what exactly she did – maybe you could fill me in on that Quatre," I said sharply with a pointed glare in his direction, "but she connected me with a pilot of a suit I can only guess is on L6." Duo looked horrified and I think in that moment we both considered what Trowa had said so dismissively about training. But, he didn't  _know_ , and I turned my eyes to the side, staring at one of many of Quatre's sisters.

I couldn't look at him. I knew... I knew how he felt about our own conscription, how despite willingly agreeing he and I, at least, didn't truly have a choice. That it wasn't right. We were only children but she... she was even  _younger_.

A new future. A better tomorrow. Suddenly I wondered how Nexxus could bandy about such bold statements in light of what they were actually doing.

"Heero?" he warned me tersely. I had delivered so much bad news in my life but to him it was always so much more difficult.

I swallowed and met his eyes head on, the only honest thing to do. "The other pilot was Lizzy, Duo, from the orphanage. She – she recognized me."

Duo blinked rapidly as if he couldn't even comprehend what I just said and I noted Quatre looking back and forth between us curiously at the edge of my vision.

"What did you just say?" he asked softly, but his voice was hard and his eyes cruel. I saw his anger, his mask, his self-preservation forming before I even had a chance to counteract it.

Two sets of blue eyes stared at me expectantly. I couldn't believe they were going to make me repeat it.

"It was her, Lizzy, the little girl from the orphanage. I don't remember ever being there with you, but I knew as soon as we connected who she was and how I knew her. It must've happened with Jack. She called me Jack." I rarely rushed through a speech but fuck if I wanted to hold on to those words any longer than necessary. The anguish I saw in Duo's eyes as he processed what I was saying hurt me. I thought of how HERA had presented him to me – a mashed amalgamation of every time I ever saw him – and my heart squeezed.

Her and I – we wanted the same thing. In my selfish fucking quest for it I subjected her to share my past – a past which defined us as a tool, an instrument of some larger scheme, a child pawn in a game we didn't start. In a brief foolish moment, I hoped that maybe she would get to share my future, a future in which despite my own astronomical failings, I did find love.

But it wasn't love reflecting in Duo's eyes then. I looked away once again to the pictures on the wall and one caught my eye for a moment. But then Duo's angry voice cut through my thoughts and I turned back to look at him.

"How  _could_  you?" The scathing accusation was warranted and I braced myself for his wrath but instead his head shot around and the focus of his attention was solely placed on Quatre. "She's just a baby!"

Quatre's eyes went wide and he took a step back. "Duo, I didn't know –"

" _Fuck_  that!" Duo stood, his hands clenched into fists. "You work with those bastards! You fund this whole fucking operation! You created that system!"

I listened to my partner's angry words but my eyes darted back to that picture. Something about it, it seemed so familiar. But damn if my head didn't hurt so bad still...

"I didn't even know they  _had_  mobile suits on L6!" Quatre replied hotly in his defense.

"Well you fuckin' shoulda!"

Those eyes, those pale blue eyes in that well rendered painting suddenly seemed like they were boring into my soul, like I had seen those eyes before, the blond hair falling in a beautiful wave around them.

"How could I have known that?"

"What, you never fucking used your own damned system before? HERA never showed you  _that_?!"

I remembered a hand on my shoulder but it was from a woman I'd never seen before. From this woman. I remembered soft, comforting words. Dinner. Something about going to dinner but I refused because she was too close and I couldn't – I didn't want anyone to be close any more.

"N-no, I knew it was possible, but HERA never showed me another pilot. I honestly haven't even touched HERA recently, I just –"

"You're telling me you don't go down there every night and sit in that cockpit and boot up that system and feel that power? Because I don't fuckin' believe that."

Their argument made it so hard to think, to remember just what it was about her. Who she was. Where I met her. I wanted to tell them to shut up, let me think, but it seemed too important to waste even one second focused on anything else.

"I do it's just –"

"Then are you telling me HERA isn't installed on each one of those three Gundams down there? Because if not, then what the  _fuck_  system is?"

In the pause that followed everything rushed in all at once and my teeth clamped together so hard they ached. The touch, the way we worked together so seamlessly, how she offered me texts on memory allocation and the human brain, how we accelerated the development of my primitive AI together.

Aisha. A woman I had once thought of as my surrogate mother. Once, when I was Jack.

Aisha was Quatre's fucking sister.

And then it all fell into place. The whole fucking thing. And if my rage didn't overshadow Duo's then I'd be damned.

"ZERO," I said in answer to Duo's question and both sets of eyes turned towards me as if they had forgotten I was even there. Duo's eyes held pure confusion but Quatre... Oh poor little Quatre Raberba Winner never could do very well with guilt.

How refreshingly unexpected, he'd said when he saw us tumble out of his shuttle closet yesterday.

Very little was unexpected when you piloted ZERO.

"How long?" I asked quietly, so much more calmly than the raging inferno within me suggested I could. "How long have you been fucking with my life?"

"Heero," Quatre pleaded as I stood and saw the cool, collected businessman disappear and nothing but a frightened fifteen year old was standing before me, shaking with dread.

"How long?" I asked again through gritted teeth. "It's not me you have to answer to, but all the innocent people you condemned by condemning me."

"You don't understand," Quatre begged, his words tumbling out of him in a tumultuous stream. "When Sergio approached me after the war I thought I could do something good with ZERO. I thought I could make up for everything. I thought I could redeem my father, Iria, myself. HERA was supposed to be my savior, was supposed to bring light to this world."

"And why  _me_?" I blew his explanation off. It didn't explain anything.

"Sergio  _needed_  you –  _we_  needed you. Your research was instrumental in HERA's creation."

He may as well have admitted it then. It seemed like the room narrowed and I remembered the accident at the lake house. Waking up on the beach. The whole damned thing was a rouse to get me there. The whole damned thing intentional. How he knew what would happen, I wasn't sure, but I had a terrible suspicion he –

Then I heard Duo's low moan and I turned my eyes to him as he fell back into the chair.

" _I_  knew," Duo's voice was practically a sob as he buried his head in his hands and hunched his shoulders together. "I knew, I knew, I knew!"

Unfortunately he didn't seem inclined to elaborate and I was too damned angry to comfort him so I returned my glare to Quatre.

"I refuse to believe that you did all of this for personal salvation," I accused, getting back to the matter at hand after Duo's strange outburst. "There's a whole damned colony of _slaves_  up there because of you – how is HERA supposed to help  _that_?"

And then, because I never said it even though it was the whole crux of the matter, I wasn't sure my voice would hold.

"You set me up to kill the first person I trusted with my love since Odin."

A moment of dead silence at the confession. My face felt hot with emotion I fought desperately to contain.

"No!" Quatre's pained gasp meant nothing as I stepped forward to, to – to I don't know what. I'd never had any sort of physical altercation with Quatre but my ire was nearly more than I could bear. What if I had done it? What if his actions had caused me to  _kill_  Duo? The night with the gun flooded back to me and my fists shook with fury, with the need to exact some kind of retribution.

"You wouldn't kill him! The statistical likelihood of that future –"

"Fucking hell, Quat, listen to yourself!" Duo interjected, surprisingly brisk for how weary and dejected he looked in that chair. But then he was up like a shot and folding Quatre into an embrace as the blond broke down into ugly sobbing in his arms. I felt confused as I stared at the scene before me, unable to figure out how Duo could be sympathetic to him in light of the confessions being made.

"How long has it been?" Duo asked softly as Quatre began to settle after a good five minutes or so – although clearly refusing to leave the shelter of Duo's chest. I couldn't divine what Duo could possibly be talking about so I waited impatiently for some sort of explanation.

"Come on," Duo urged gently and my frustration grew as Quatre peeked out to cast a furtive glance in my direction.

"Seven and a half years," he sighed so quietly into Duo that I almost didn't hear his reply. My mind raced trying to catch up with what Duo was asking. "I suffered a concussion during one of the assassination attempts on my life back when I first took over control of WEI publicly. Ever... ever since."

And I realized then what they were talking about. Quatre pulled slowly away from Duo to stand on his own, staring at the floor and looking up at me carefully. But rage was quickly replacing my confusion. It certainly didn't absolve his guilt in my eyes – he knew what I was going through and  _still_  fucked me over.

"They said they could help me!" Quatre's voice became desperate as I stalked towards him. He backed up quickly. "Sergio promised we'd undo this! He said you'd never be safe – we had to get your help!" Quatre's back hit the wall, pictures of sisters tilting around him. "Heero!"

He begged but I could hardly think. His panic and fear meant nothing to me – I hardly saw them in a rush of blind rage. And then I felt fingers slip across my abs and arms wrap around my waist and Duo's nose was nuzzling my ear and I stopped, electricity shooting down my body and effectively shutting me down completely.

"Come on," he whispered, drawing me away. Shaking, I closed my eyes as he led me out of that room, trying to calm my temper. I didn't really want to hurt Quatre, I just... I just wanted him to take the fall for all the shit I did, all the terrible decisions I'd made.

I really wanted to hurt myself.


	29. 3.2 The Past

I stared absently at the wall and the stupid spackled hues of blue as Duo ran his fingers slowly up and down my side. The level of disgust I felt at myself was at an all time high. I wanted to rip Duo's hand off of me, I wanted to smack him and ask him how he could even look at me, let alone let me bend him over the bed and have him like that. I couldn't believe I gave in to his touch, I couldn't believe he kissed me, let me fuck him  _again_ , like I was a decent human being. Like I was worthy of him, his body, his love.

God, in those low moments following post-orgasmic high, I fucking hated myself.

"Heero."

I didn't move as his hand stopped at my hip. What could I say? I didn't deserve this. I didn't deserve him.

"Heero." His voice was a little more insistent this time.

It wasn't until the singular word was said and reverberating in the silence did I even believe I spoke it.

"Why?" The question was simple but Duo was clearly confused.

"Why what?"

Now that I had started myself down this path I supposed I had to follow it.

"If not for your charity, why do you love me?"

Duo made a strangled sound from behind me. I sighed, feeling profoundly stupid. It was hard enough to ask, knowing I'd get ridiculed, but to actually be subject to it...

We didn't ask questions like this. We didn't talk about shit like this.

"Christ 'Ro uhhh..." I felt the bed shift as he sat up, muttering that we might as well get married with all this for better or for worse shit we were doing and I heard him scratching his head. "Why does anyone love anyone? Why do you love me?"

I snorted. As if that weren't obvious. No one had the power he did to destroy all my resolve. With a touch he had me up here, distracted, giving in to his pleas, pounding into him despite myself, my anger.

"No, seriously," Duo countered. "Why? With you, I don't know, sounds stupid but at first I was just damn impressed by you. I never met anyone else like me – trained for this inevitable war, so far superior to the average person. God, I wanted to be your friend so bad it hurt, just to have someone who understood, ya know? Even when you hijacked ol' 'Scythe, all I could really think was what a damned dedicated asshole you were and in the end I couldn't be mad. I had to be impressed.

"Then things started changing... You let me get closer. You broke me out of that prison, you took shit for me on lunar base – yeah I knew about it, though you tried to hide it – dumb move too, they could have decided to use me against you but we both know you wouldn't have let it go that far."

I was surprised, though I didn't let it show. I always assumed he was floating too close to unconsciousness to know how I distracted the guards from him. How I constantly checked his wounds. I wondered if he knew how disgusted Wufei was with me, too, how he believed I was letting my emotions override the mission.

"And then watching you destroy Libra... It was like my heart stopped. I never felt that way before. Like I didn't know if I could survive in a world without you in it. It seemed stupid – all this fighting and your death would bring me down? What kind of sentimental bullshit is that? Fuck. But I couldn't run from it. I couldn't deny it. I fucking  _loved_  your scrawny ass and fuck if it wasn't way too damn late to say anything."

His confession made my heart squeeze and I shut my eyes tight, hoping he couldn't tell how he was affecting me.

"Thankfully, I came to my senses somewhere along the way and realized I couldn't just go blabbing I loved you despite the joyous post war party atmosphere. But fuck if I didn't dance around my whole apartment the day you called and requested my help on L1. And, well, you know..."

Yeah, I did know. I knew how easily we fell into a physical relationship. How desperately we needed each other, that familiar comfort of someone who understood without a single sound what each look, what each wordless posturing meant. It was overwhelming and I guess maybe a part of me knew it was love but that part was buried so deep it never got a chance to see the light of day. But I knew I needed him, needed that touch to keep me here, grounded in reality.

"I loved fucking everything about you – even the shit that sucked, that no one else wanted to deal with, because it made me feel okay. It made my breakdowns normal. You understood."

To say we were fucked up after the war would be an understatement. Probably should've taken Sally up on all that counseling bullshit in that time before Preventer, before enforced normalcy, but no. We were stupid, stubborn kids suffering together through the nightmares, the desperate attempts to un-holster weapons we long ago learned not to carry in public if we didn't want to blow someone's brains out on the way to the grocery store over a car backfiring, the mind numbing grief at every casualty report on the news – every poorly funded restoration attempt.

I guess I never truly forgot that. I guess that's why I was so scared of ZERO. So scared of myself.

"When you backslid after Mariemaia, I... My love made me angry, made me irrational. I left to punish you, thinking it would make me happy, but it was wrong. And it wasn't fair." So Duo came back to stick with my shit, though looking back it clearly hurt him. "Every day was like agony, trying to protect you from yourself, thinking I was losing you to her, fucking you in the desperate hope that it meant something more. So many times I wished I didn't but I couldn't stop. I thought maybe one more day, maybe one more day would mean something, maybe it would be one more day to remember you by before you threw me out."

He paused and pushed out a long sigh, scooting to the end of the bed and letting his feet hit the floor.

"I love you because you get me. In your own way. You know what I've been through, you know my past, and none of it matters to you. I'm no war hero, I'm just me. I love you because you do what has to be done regardless of self-doubt, regardless of fear, and I admire the hell out of that. I love you because you don't make me do all this talking from the heart bullshit. You don't question me. You don't make me try to feel all the highs and lows of romance. You just trust me to be there and as long as you do, I always will be. I love you because despite everything you're still a stupid fucking optimist and you always, without fail, expend every piece of you to bring out the heart of humanity."

He paused again. I think he turned his head to look at me, though I couldn't see it.

"I love you because you're a good goddamn person Heero Yuy and maybe you got some screwed up shit going on in that head of yours and maybe you don't believe it right now but I do. I always will. So if what you're  _really_  asking me how I can love you right now, in spite of everything, then fuck you."

He stood. I didn't move. My breathing stopped. My eyes focused unflinchingly at the wall.

" _Fuck_ you for doubting yourself when Quatre needs you.  _Fuck_ you for doubting yourself when Lizzy and Lennon and all those fucking people on L6 need you.  _Fuck_ you for doubting yourself when I had the strength to believe in you when you showed up as a different fucking person three and a half goddamned years after you walked out of my life."

Duo stormed into the bathroom then, slamming the door. I didn't move but I heard the shower start and I heard him banging things around. I waited until I thought he was safely under the water until I sat up and rubbed my face.

Maybe he was right. Maybe I was being a touch melodramatic. Unfortunately, no matter how much therapy I underwent, my external need for perfection would always war with my internal flaws, my own self-deprecation. I needed a plan. A plan would make me feel better. A plan would give me something else to focus on other than my own astronomical fuck up. It would give me a solution. An end. A way to fix this.

I sighed and got up, walking carefully into the bathroom to clean myself off. I really needed a shower to get at the gross scabs on my face from my own fingers but fuck if I was going to get in there with Duo and I really just needed to sit down with Quatre and figure this out.

Duo was right. Quatre needed me. He needed me seven and a half years ago and yet he turned to Sergio instead. I was probably too fucked up to help. Too lost in myself. And here I was, going down the same damn path, rejecting the people who needed me, getting caught up in my own internal bullshit.

Duo was right. Fuck me.

I listened to the water and Duo's hair slapping wetly against his body. My heart ached to think of everything he said. We'd been through so much together. I wondered if it would be possible for us to ever move on from each other now, or if we were too codependent. And I realized with a pang that made me hate myself anew, that I had forced Duo to move on four years ago. I was selfish. So damn selfish. But not him. He was still there, faithful, waiting, accepting of every hell I put him through.

"I never answered your question," I said, forcing as much calm indifference as I could into my voice, when it became clear he wasn't ready to leave the safety of the shower to face me. "I love you because you are everything I admire about humanity."

I saw so much shit as a child, so much violence and hatred. The way people treated each other was so negative. I couldn't understand it. The only emotion I felt was pain and when Odin told me to live by my emotions I didn't know what else to do but to accept Dr. J's offer and channel my pain into war.

When I met Relena, when I started to see that people could be good – stupidly, blindly, unreservedly good – I began to see something else in humanity. Kindness, sympathy, compassion, love. Things that had been locked away from me, hidden from me for most of my life.

But where I was war, and Relena peace, Duo was the complex reality of the two, the perfect mixture. He was realistic but hopeful, kind and hard, strong but yielding.

I heard a low noise from behind the curtain and I paused, concern keeping me in place. I didn't think it was the kind of confession that would bring him to tears, but then this had been a rather difficult forty-eight hours.

"Heero?" he called and I heard a desperate note in his voice. I stepped forward and pushed open the shower curtain to look at him, his eyes wide and blue and sad when they turned to meet mine.

"Duo?" I asked, my brows narrowed in apprehension.

"I knew they were using children but I just... I didn't realize it, I didn't want to believe it." He bit down on his cheek and I stepped into the shower then, wrapping my arms around him and holding him underneath the warm spray. He trembled against me for a moment before he took a deep, shuddering breath and let it go, his emotions reigned in for the moment. "This is so fucked up."

I kissed him then, slowly, taking my time to appreciate this little moment we had, a moment we might not have again for a long, long time. Maybe I didn't really understand how he could accept me, flawed as I was, but I found I didn't want to regret our sex even if it was only a desperate attempt to get me to calm down. It was still a moment with him, a moment we had together.

He pulled away from me and ran a thumb across my temple, dislodging dried blood with his fingernail. "Fuck, your face is so fucked up."

I scowled but let him take a washcloth to it, stupidly gentle as he sloughed away blood and skin and picked it out of my hair. And when he was done and pleased with his handiwork I kissed him hard and helped him wash the shampoo from his hair.


	30. 3.3 The Set-Up

I hoped by this point in our relationship Quatre understood that wherever Duo and I were together, destruction would follow.

It didn't take me long to scope out that the vid-phone in the shared sitting room had a USB port and so I ripped it out of the wall and took it off line with the intent of destroying it completely once Duo and I reviewed the information Trowa had given us.

After thoroughly scanning the room for listening devices and video cameras, Duo sat down behind me on the bed, straddling me, resting his chin on my shoulder to look at the screen while his arms encircled my waist. I was a bit surprised by how close he wanted to be because we weren't usually like this, but to be honest I enjoyed it and found my fingers brushing across his arms lightly every so often just to feel him.

Once I was satisfied that any tracking software they had on the vid-phone was rendered ineffectual and the device truly was off line I plugged in the drive and opened the launcher file which brought up a simply written program to display the blue prints on any machine.

We perused the design documents with mixed levels of horror and fascination. It felt strange to be staring at a completely new type of mobile suit design, similar but vastly unfamiliar to the ones we had piloted ourselves. The material they were made of seemed to be a lightweight alloy designed in low gravity that was somewhat flexible and well suited for space. Duo murmured speculations about its ballistic resistance and I knew he was awed by the composition analysis.

The suits themselves didn't appear to be weapons of war, at least as far as I could tell. Not that they couldn't wreck havoc if they got into a colony or found their way past Earth's atmosphere – and certainly they'd intimidate the hell out of civilians – but the intent behind them didn't seem destructive. They had no weapons capacity of their own, though I had no doubt they could wield weapons and in fact it seemed there were a few loose specs on weapon designs that mounted in the arms. Of course, that left me pondering the intent at all but I supposed I would have to confer with Quatre for more details on that.

"There's something missing," I muttered as I flipped through the hundreds of blue prints for a third time.

"Huh?" Duo asked and I felt his chin turn on my shoulder and his eyes appraise me but I didn't meet them.

"Something is missing. He left something out. Deliberately. Information in the omission." I paused and closed my eyes. Duo tilted his face into my shoulder and I felt the gentle warmth of his breath on my shoulder blade.

Then he chuckled and lifted his head. I opened my eyes and turned to look at him and he parroted embarrassment.

"HERA. There's nothing on it in here. There's little on the cockpit design at all, in fact."

I quickly flipped through the specs again and realized he was right. But I didn't understand why Trowa would omit that information. It was potentially the most important information he could've given us. It wasn't like Trowa to be so thorough and then leave such an important detail out. He certainly couldn't have been afraid of the ramifications. Which left two options. Either he was feeding us this information deliberately and was truly an operative of Nexxus or there was actually nothing to offer.

"Likelihood he's a double agent?" I mused and Duo moved to sit next to me on the bed instead of behind me.

"Don't really want to consider it," Duo admitted and he rested his chin in his hand as he thought. I don't know if it was the flashbacks from HERA or what but for a minute he looked so young curled up like that, lost in his thoughts, like he was when we'd first met.

"Unlikely. I don't understand his motive. Nexxus knew we were there, right? He said so himself. They certainly didn't need him to allow us on or off the colony and yet he went out of his way to do it anyway. He wanted to see us, he wanted to give us this information. If Nexxus wanted us to have it then they could've just handed it to us at any time."

"He said they wanted us to see the suits," I pointed out and Duo shrugged.

"Yeah, but they didn't volunteer the information. I feel like this Sergio guy was testing us, like this is a game to him. He might know Trowa was going to give us the information, but I don't think he put him up to it. I think Sergio wanted to see if he would."

I sighed, frustrated. What Duo said made sense but these types of guys always pissed me off. Treize was like this – every time you thought you knew what cards he had in his hand you realized you were suddenly playing a completely different game.

"Then there's nothing there," I said and it was Duo's turn to sigh.

"What does that mean?"

"Something is different about these suits," I answered wearily. "Something is different about the pilot interface. A five-year-old child isn't strong enough to push the thrusters, no matter how light these suits are compared to Gundams. And even if they compensated due to lack of pilot strength, a five-year-old isn't coordinated enough to pilot effectively anyway."

"Why are they using children then?" Duo asked, concern wrinkling his forehead.

"That's the question, isn't it?"

"They used us because children are easier to condition, they have more moral objectivity, more flexibility," Duo mused darkly.

"No," I disagreed, setting down the phone on the bed and grabbing the base of his braid to force him to look at me. "They used us because we cared, because we all wanted to do the right thing." He tried to turn his eyes from me but I pulled, hard, and his eyes tracked quickly back to mine, furious. "Even in my anger, I still wanted to do what was right. You did too. And we did. That war is over now. We're not fifteen any more. It's not Professor G working with those children."

Duo grabbed at my hand and I released his braid so he could sulk. I removed the drive from the tablet and placed it back around my neck for safekeeping. Then I ripped out the guts, grabbed the spoon left for us on the coffee tray refreshed this morning and scratched the hell out of the memory components. Then I snapped the pieces in half, filled the sink up with water, and placed the parts in it. Maybe that was overkill, I thought I as I assessed the mess, but I didn't care.

I walked back into the bedroom where Duo seemed to recover from his pout and met his eyes with reservation. I knew the moment we walked out of this room that it was over. Had these past forty-eight hours been easy? No. Not for either one of us. But the reprisal of our sexual relationship, the forgiveness he'd given me, the kind words we'd shared with one another – all of that would be gone. We would have to be mission focused again. And while that would hopefully be easier now that our relationship, such as it was, was sorted out, as much as it ever would be, I knew that I at least would feel a longing for these few tender moments amidst the wreckage of the shit storm we were going to have to willing walk into in order to ever make things right.

Despite having been lead here in no uncertain circumstances, it was still my shit storm, it was my responsibility, and I knew Duo would stand with me until the very end but it had to be dealt with. I had to risk him. And part of me wanted to lock him up in that room and keep him there where I knew he would be safe and his soft, gentle touch would never falter but another part of me wanted him more to be by my side again, my partner, a man who understood my actions and intentions better than anyone else was ever going to. It was when we were partners that we truly shone. When we were lovers is where we struggled.

Eventually it was that realistic part of me that took over and I guess he could see the change in my eyes or something because he smiled a little. Not happily, really, but more like an acknowledgement that we were returning to normal.

"Ready to try again with Quatre?"

He winced. "It's probably painfully obvious what we've been doing up here, huh?"

"Maybe." I shrugged. I didn't see what it mattered.

Duo sighed and stood. "Sure, I guess."

So we wandered around the palace to find Quatre when we were eventually told by a member of staff that Quatre penciled us in for later that day but that we were welcome to use any of the facilities. That pissed Duo off so he spent most of the afternoon brooding while we waited on the veranda, snacking on whatever was brought to us and staring gloomily across the brightly manicured landscape.

My head churned as I tried to piece together the past few years so that I could formulate a plan of action from here. Although if Quatre was still using ZERO it made anything I could think of to do seem woefully inferior.

What I had was this: Sergio for some reason unknown to me – I won't buy into this evolution of human consciousness bullshit – wanted to create another ZERO system and he needed Quatre's and my help. If I had to wager any amount of money, I would suspect that Sergio was responsible for the assassination attempt which ended in Quatre's concussion and the triggering of ZERO's residual affects in his head requiring Quatre to become his partner. In desperation Quatre agreed to whatever Sergio proposed. Despite working with him, they clearly held healthy suspicions of one another if Sergio didn't tell him about the suits on L6 and Quatre didn't tell him about the Gundams either.

Perhaps I was being too hard on Quatre. Perhaps I was just upset by being a pawn myself that I assumed he was a pawn too. Maybe I wasn't giving him enough credit. Maybe he was working with Sergio but working his own angle as well. I would have to confirm this with him when our designated meeting time came up.

I wondered about Trowa. I wondered why he left. Quatre knew, maybe, at least Trowa thought he did, but I didn't. And it bothered me. He knew Quatre and I were close. A part of me assumed he was jealous, even back then, but I buried it as self-vanity and let it go. Now I wondered how much he knew. Surely he was on L6 because he saw how shit was going to go down with Sergio, Quatre, and I and he knew someone had to be there, someone had to be on the inside.

Then I wondered if Sergio knew who Trowa was. If Sergio was playing him too. What Duo said earlier needled me – did Sergio know Trowa would give us the information because we were colleagues? Did Trowa know he was a pawn?

I looked over at Duo, arms folded across his chest, perfect scowl twisting his features downward. I wanted to speak but I didn't know what to say. I wanted to reach out to him and hold his hand but it made me feel silly to think that way so I didn't. I just watched him until I apparently had stared too long and he turned irritated eyes to me and snapped.

"What?"

The singular word was harsh but that didn't surprise me. Duo hated to wait. Duo hated to sit and think about anything too long. He wanted to do. I wondered if Quatre planned this to rile him but then I figured Quatre probably had legitimate work to be doing and it was just the way it was.

I turned my eyes back to the lawn. I didn't particularly like waiting either, but I handled it better than he did.

Thankfully a member of staff came for us before too much longer and we were led to a grandiose office off the main hall. Quatre seemed to have recovered from the emotional disaster that was our earlier meeting and he sat there with cool composure, staring out from under the fringe of his hair without a twitch of his lips. He gestured us to sit, which we did, and I was surprised when Duo didn't immediately launch into a tirade.

"You have a meeting on Earth in two days with Sergio Caldas."

Well. Cue tirade.

"What the  _fuck_  Quat?! You just sold us out to this guy without even consulting us? What the fuck were you thinking? For fucks sake, I hope it's a goddamned neutral location. Maybe we can just go waltzing right back into L-fucking-6 while we're at it!" I saw his clenched fists and let him go. We did have to wait an extraordinarily long time, after all. There were a few more choice words before he petered out and his whole face glared at Quatre.

"I hope you find the Peacecraft mansion in Sanc acceptably neutral."

"Fucking hell, 'Lena?" The wind left his proverbial sales then but Quatre shook his head.

"No. Milliardo."

That drew my attention. In that singular moment I realized exactly who it was that approached Edward about sending men to L6 to be reformatted and why Relena did nothing about it. But before I could get a word out Quatre was talking – calm and confident.

"Despite what you might believe about me and my involvement in the L6 project, I constructed those Gundams as a counter offensive to whatever his future plans involved. I know Sergio to be a man of peace, of grand vision, but I haven't been blinded by his vocal idealism. The fact is, he didn't tell me he was constructing mobile suits and I don't know why he has. He is powerful and dangerous and the ESUN cannot control him. Milliardo may try but I'd be damned if he knows more than I do.

"I need you and you need me if we're going to figure out just what Sergio really has planned. And he wants to meet with you, so you'll meet with him, and you'll play nice, and you'll extract whatever information you can from him."

"And then we're supposed to compare notes?" I asked coldly. As if I could trust him. Fuck – as if he could trust me. As close as we got pouring over research to reverse ZERO, the whole thing was built on a lie. A lie he was required to propagate because when he needed me years earlier I was too fucked up to help. Too lost in a post-war world, too lost in myself.

"Naturally. What can you do by yourself?" Quatre scoffed. "You couldn't even fix your own brain."

I couldn't help but bear my teeth at the intentional rile. "You've never asked for my help before," I snapped back and the hostility was palpable as our eyes met.

We stood at an impasse for a moment before I finally announced, "We're taking suits." Quatre didn't flinch at my demand but Duo sucked in a quick breath to prepare his assault.

"Fuck no I'm not –"

"Duo." I turned hard eye towards him, stopping his words instantly. "We're taking suits."

He glared at me in a way that would make a lesser man's skin crawl. But I just glared back. The decision was made.

"You're taking HERA out." Duo had turned his head back towards Quatre but I shook mine, my eyes still locked on him.

"No. You're piloting HERA."

"Why?" His head snapped back around, hands gripping the arms of his chair so tightly I thought his fingers might bruise. Quatre chuckled, appearing self-satisfied by our argument.

"We'll discuss this later." I shut down the argument by turning to meet Quatre. "We leave at 2100." Then I stood, walking away without another word. I heard Duo rush after me as I made my way back up to our rooms.

"Heero! Heero – I'm not doing this!" he called but I ignored him until we reached the safety of our rooms and when finally there I turned on him, trying to tamp down my frustration at being fought tooth and nail by my partner when this was the way it had to be. Fuck, if I could change it I would but it was too damn late now and I was acutely aware of how this whole situation was entirely my fault.

"Does Howard still have a freighter in the Pacific?"

Duo blinked, not expecting the question and probably not really wanting to answer it but it threw him off so the answer was likely automatic. "Yeah, probably, but –"

"We can stow the suits there."

He crossed his arms over his chest then, defensive and defiant to the bitter fucking end. "I'm not getting Howard involved in this shit, 'Ro. Seriously, this is some real illegal shit which is fine for a multi-billionaire but a scraper, not so much."

"Howard supplied him the parts, though." It was obvious to me. I figured Duo had to have come to the same conclusion at some point.

But Duo paused and evaluated what I said skeptically. "Huh?"

"Who else could Quatre trust to procure him Gundaniam?" I fought the urge to roll my eyes. I tried not to get this way with him but he was trying every last ounce of my limited patience.

Duo's skepticism fell away with the obvious nature of my statement and turned to anger. "Why wouldn't he tell me?"

I snorted and turned from him, thinking the answer was evident. Duo would be angry. Duo would get involved. Duo had enough on his plate with my issues and my disappearance and he didn't need Quatre's problems as well. Howard was just trying to protect him.

"But I'm not piloting HERA."

I shook my head as he followed me out into the next suite.

"Yes, you are," I replied simply and pointed to the vidphone. "Call Howard."

"Why does it matter if I pilot it or not? I don't want to. You shouldn't try to make me." I rarely heard the tone of voice he took with me just then. It was desperate, his voice was strained, and I met his eyes to see the hurt there. I knew he felt like I was betraying his feelings, using the fact that he loved me against him, expecting him to capitulate to my demands because of that. I wanted to kiss his fears away and let him know I'd never meant to hurt him like that but I knew he wouldn't let me and it would sound pretty damned insincere at this point so I tried to soften my own face in response.

"It's different," I explained as gently as I could, although I imagine I have the tenderness of a pitbull most of the time. "I don't know what's going to happen, but if all those suits have HERA installed, you're going to be at an extreme disadvantage if you don't." I stroked my hand across his cheek but he flinched back from my touch. I tried not to let that hurt. I guess I failed and that's why my next words were pointed and cruel. "What are you going to do? Go in swinging against a bunch of children?"

He gnawed on his lower lip and his eyes fell to the floor.

"Even though I don't fully trust what Quatre has told us, this system is different – this isn't the war. This isn't ZERO. These aren't violent machines piloted by soldiers. You might need to connect with them at some point. But for now, just tell HERA not to connect you out," I offered a bit more sympathetically. "You'll see. It's totally different." I stared at him and watched as his eyes shifted from upset to fear.

"Duo." He looked up at me. I mustered up every bit of understanding I had in me as my own fear of losing everything we'd just rebuilt rocked me. "You'll be fine. I know you're nervous but you're the strongest, most intelligent person I know and you  _can_  pilot this system." The confession was a rare one for me and he tried to restrain the smile threatening to break out across his face as he let it sink in.

"I guess that memory wipe made you forget that you don't compliment people, huh?" Duo grinned and ruffled my hair before complying with my earlier order to call Howard. I felt a moment of self-disgust as he made pleasantries with the older man and I thought of how easy it would be to manipulate people who loved you. I hoped that wasn't what I was doing. But I didn't see any way around him piloting HERA. He couldn't fly blind into this. Not now that I had a basic understanding of the system.

"Soooo we're gonna be landing on the big turtle tonight if he's still floating around tango eighty-five." I knew the Sweepers had some convoluted way of referring to latitude and longitude that was based on rouge memorization and completely indecipherable to an outside listener.

"Nah he's at omicron dragon now and ya know I'd always love ta have ya but what's this 'we' stuff?" I couldn't see him on the screen from where I leaned against the wall but I could imagine him eyeing Duo over his shades and I guess I was probably right because Duo scratched his neck self consciously and then side stepped so that Howard could view me.

I slid my eyes over to stare at him from under my bangs but didn't acknowledge him otherwise. Couldn't really see him on the screen anyway.

"No shit – Heero Yuy back from the dead again, eh?" Duo stepped back in front of the screen and Howard's voice lowered dramatically but thanks to my altered senses I caught every word. "Be careful with him. It's only a matter of time before he leaves you again."

"I know, I know – got the same lecture from the princess," Duo retorted impatiently. "I'm a big boy, I can take care of myself."

"But you shouldn't hafta –"

"Frankly I'm gettin' déjà vu here." He bristled with irritation. "We've got enough to talk about involving what  _you've_  been scraping the last few years without going into  _my_  issues." I knew that voice. It had an edge to it that was powerful and unyielding. Howard must've heard it too though he didn't really lighten his tone, he just let it drop.

"Yeah we'll talk about it when you get here."

They disconnected the call. I chose not to say anything about their conversation and Duo's eyes were unnecessarily apologetic. Not like I didn't know what people thought of me. Not like I didn't deserve it to some degree.

"Well... Guess I could always fuck you before we head out of here." Duo suggested with a coy grin. I shrugged as he approached, capturing my lips with his own as he wrapped his arms around my neck. I sure couldn't think of anything better to do.


	31. 3.4 The Take-off

Quatre sent us up dinner and flight suits, though we never heard the staff member come up. I found relaxation so much easier after Duo fucked me that I fell into a deep sleep wrapped up in his arms. And when I awoke, my head was clearer than it had been and I felt better than I had in a long time and we ate with energized apprehension.

When he came down in his flight suit with his helmet tucked under his arm, his eyes were wide and gleaming and excited and his whole body practically hummed with nervous energy and I felt a strange nostalgic lust bottom out in my stomach as I saw those same eyes at fifteen all over again. Fifteen – when he was new to me, exotic, so smart and capable and interesting and so unlike anyone I had ever met before. My attraction to him was instantaneous. I fought it fiercely, so unwilling to let anything distract me, but every time I saw him it was worse and I fought it even harder until I couldn't stand it any more and when he met me in that spaceport on L1 I finally kissed him – all trembling lips and wanton desperation.

And I kissed him now, a distant echo of that moment nearly ten years ago, and I pressed my palm to his cheek and really spent the time to taste him, to appreciate him, and after several long moments he was left breathless in a completely different way than usual between us. It wasn't sexual tension – it was an emotional promise that left us both feeling light headed and unsure.

"I won't let anything happen to you," I whispered unsteadily, overwrought by my sudden desperation to never let him go again.

"I trust you," he returned quietly, his fingers brushing lightly against the back of my hand where I held it to his face. I certainly knew the significance of that undeserved statement. I don't think I will ever truly understand what drove him to say that in that moment or how he could possibly have mean it honestly but I simultaneously had no doubt that he was being anything but absolutely sincere and it bolstered my confidence immensely.

Breaking that contact between us was incredibly difficult but after several long moments I did just that, turning and leading him back down to the parlor where I knew Quatre would be waiting to take us down.

Quatre appraised us coolly in the elevator and I didn't want to believe it but he almost seemed pissed that we were clearly on better terms than we were a few hours ago. I couldn't believe the jealous, angry man he had become over the past four years. Then again, I had become absorbed by paranoia. I had shut down, again, stopped listening to my emotions, forced myself away from the one person I truly loved in an effort to protect him. I guess I could understand Quatre's changed character.

 

Once the doors slid open I strode forward, ready to be out of here, ready to be away from this cesspool of guilt and anger, ready to be piloting again. It felt like every little thing I had thought of every day since the war was maybe finally useful again. Every morning I awoke I automatically thought of the alignment of the Sun, Earth, and Moon on that particular day. Every colony or continent I was on I would constantly be calculating where I was in relation to our corner of the solar system and how much thrust and acceleration it would take to get me out. Every ship or shuttle I was in I couldn't help but factor the thrust capacity, the weight of it, the fuel requirements and how far it should be able to go realistically based on theoretical fuel tank size. These thoughts I could never turn off, so ingrained in me they were second nature. But they had no place in this world any more. Not unless I was strapped into a cockpit.

Duo, however, had hung back and must've pulled Quatre back as well because I heard him asking if Quatre would be okay once we left, asking if we should stay. I knew he couldn't possibly be seriously offering that suggestion but I guessed it was a nice thing to say to a friend who was clearly suffering. Quatre's response was canned, as expected. After all, he set us up for this meeting, he needed us to go as much as I needed to be away from him.

"There's a drop under each suit that will eject you into space once I input the code," Quatre was explaining as he shook Duo off and increased the length of his stride to catch up with me. "It'll position you on the dark side of the colony. If you adjust your trajectory to Earth accordingly, you should be able to get by undetected, as there are only resource satellites in those quadrants."

I nodded and Duo caught up to me as well, taking up position at my other shoulder, regarding Quatre warily.

"I assume you'll take Zeus, Heero," he continued. "Duo, you can take Ares. He was designed as a combination of Deathscythe and Shenlong."

Duo sighed. I heard him mumble a dejected, "Never though I'd hafta be the God of War." It struck me then how different he was now. No longer the optimistic kid that could put on a smile and try to see the good in what he was doing. No longer willing to sacrifice himself for the cause. He had seen too much. And he was tired. He'd said it so many times – let someone else handle this, contact Preventer, contact Une – but I'd forced him into it and now he here he was – about to step into a system he didn't want to pilot to face a potential war against children to fix a problem started by a partner who abandoned him without a single explanation and I couldn't blame him for having a shitty attitude, all things considered.

We stopped and stared up at the suits, with equal amounts of respect and anticipation, I'm sure. I turned my head to look at Duo, the grim set to his lips, the determination written across his face, and I said his name quietly, as a question. He turned to look at me then, and a smile smacked across his face so fast I was surprised he didn't get whiplash.

 

"Sorry. Was getting a bit serious there," he teased and I wanted to take him by the shoulders and shake him and tell him not to be like this. He didn't have to fake it for me. He _never_  had to fake it for me. But then I realized, maybe he had to fake it for himself.

I pursed my lips and saved the things I wanted to say for when we no longer had an audience and then I turned to Quatre. "Give us a few minutes to get adjusted to HERA. I'll let you know when we're ready."

Quatre agreed and moved to take up a seat behind the control panel. I turned back to Duo and saw he was already winding his braid over the back of his head to accommodate his helmet. I always thought that balancing act looked particularly ridiculous, but then when he took his helmet off and the braid fell loose... I thought that was one of the hottest things I'd ever seen.

"The passcode is H-E-R-A," I told him before he slipped the helmet on. He nodded. I hesitated, caught up in his eyes. Once again I was motivated to say something, but then didn't want it to be subject to Quatre's jealousy.

So instead we climbed up to the scaffolding together and he wandered down to his suit while I slid into the cockpit once more. It looked like the blood had been removed since my last attempt. I took a shaky breath and tried to get my wayward emotions under control. I could control this system. It was just different. A unique challenge.

I input the code and felt that second consciousness join mine. I tried pointedly to think of only one thing – that I was in control. I'm not sure if it was so much trying to game the AI as it was trying to convince myself of that fact.

_Hello, Heero. I will connect you via intercom to Duo Maxwell. I will monitor his condition for any abnormalities and report them to you._

I was somewhat impressed by the system's anticipation of my desires.

_I understand we will be headed to Earth. 60°18' South, 150°45' West._

It was undeniably more efficient to have the AIs communicate with each other and input data automatically although it took me a moment to realize I didn't need to be checking the physical systems manually. I did it anyway, though, feeling more comfortable looking at the gauges myself.

_Duo Maxwell is experiencing undue stress._

And then, suddenly, I was hit with a wash of fear and anxiety and uncertainty so strong I found my arms shaking as I gripped the throttles. It was incredibly strange to feel his emotions like that. They were different than my own, deep and raw, but they were also familiar as I'd observed, felt, tried to understand, and been on the receiving end of those same emotions so many times.

 

Immediately I responded with all the things I had wanted to say to him before we stepped into these suits – that he would be okay, that he could master this system, that I hated to ask this of him but that I appreciated every moment he stood by my side, that I could never truly thank him for everything he's done for me over the years, that fate brought us together and that despite our explosive fights and emotional lows, he was the only thing that ever made me truly happy.

"He-Heero?" I heard his voice over the intercom, shaky, and then an explosion of pure love poured through me and I gasped, finding it difficult to breath under the onslaught of Duo's feelings for me. My heart leapt to respond, assuring him of my reciprocal feelings, and I felt a perverse level of satisfaction, of happiness, of self-assurance as I basked in a sensation more powerful than orgasm. And the best part was that I knew he felt exactly the same way and our feelings harmonized with one another and built into an overpowering cacophony that had me trembling with the force of it.

Then I was left empty, panting, drained emotionally as that connection was suddenly severed and HERA's voice was filling my mind.

_Your heart rate was becoming erratic._

Fuck it was, I thought angrily, of course it was! We had been able to express things to each other we never could have with actual words, how the hell else was I supposed to respond? I clutched the grips anxiously as I worked to bring my heart rate down again.

"Heero?" I heard the breathy voice of my partner over the speaker and I responded cautiously.

"Duo?"

"I..."

"Yeah."

What the hell could we say to each other after that? After experiencing the most intimate parts of one another?

"Let's not do that again," he chuckled.

I couldn't help but smirk. "Yeah, let's not." Despite the intensity of the experience, he did sound much more relaxed then when we parted on the scaffolding. "Hey. Visual?"

Duo's face flashed on the screen in front of me. He was smiling, flushed, his eyes seeming shy. I wished I could reach out and touch him.

 

"You ready?" I asked and he nodded, clicking down the visor on his helmet.

"Yeah, you know – I was born ready." The words, the self-confident edge to them – it was the Duo that hooked me all those years ago. My lips curled slightly.

"Dumb question," I replied indulgently as I clicked down my visor as well. Then Duo winked and cut his feed while I flicked a switch to connect to Quatre, letting him know we were good to go. He responded with a light affirmative. I engaged the thrusters and felt the hum of the machine truly coming to life around me. And only moments later we fell together though a corridor and out of the colony into the wonderful, welcoming expanse of space.


	32. 3.5 The Turtle

We were careful to track our flight path out of the line of sight of anyone or anything that might be interested. HERA was a great help there as it cut any argument between us down to nothing with the instantaneous relay of our thoughts to one another's AIs. It was easy to understand how it was intended to be a pacifistic system. That didn't mean it would be used that way, but Quatre's intent at least appeared honest enough. I allowed myself to be comforted by the thought that he wasn't that jaded asshole the entire time I'd known him.

Entering Earth's atmosphere like this had us both edgy and I could feel Duo's emotions bleeding into mine through HERA, although the system let me know it was attempting to minimize the affects. I wondered why it seemed so much easier to manage the system now. Despite the unfiltered sharing of emotions with Duo before we left, HERA seemed to predict my wants and needs easily and I didn't understand why it seemed so unmanageable yesterday night.

_The first time you came to me, you were searching for what you wanted. Now, you have a specific goal. I do not intend to be cumbersome to you._

I considered that and supposed it was true. When I first sat in that cockpit I was confused and emotional. The idea of piloting again, the desire so strong within me, easily overlapping with painful memories of the war... it made sense that HERA would think that was what I wanted because I couldn't deny that I wanted to fly like this again. Mixing that with my simultaneous desire to have Duo back in my life certainly explained why HERA showed me him in that way. Why I responded so desperately with a resounding 'yes.'

_I understand that you don't want to be connected to the others._

Others? She must've been referring to Lizzy and whatever other child pilots there were. It wasn't that I didn't want to be connected to them necessarily; it was just that I didn't want to be connected to them against my will. I acknowledged that there may well come a time we had to connect and I steeled my heart against the prospect. I felt a certain level of sympathy for Duo. He would be devastated

_I understand your request._

And I understood that she understood my conflict about connecting with the children, to wait until I absolutely wanted it. Fuck but this was a bizarre system. It did mess with your head in ways I didn't quite understand yet. Not the way ZERO had, showing you unsettling apparent futures with no regard to your emotional capacity to handle them. It was truly no wonder Duo hated it, I realized with a depth of understanding I never had before. His whole life was wrought with emotion and unexpected disasters – he must've felt those possibilities with a poignancy I would never feel.

_We should reach your intended target in four minutes. Risk of detection by outside entities upon landing is minimal._

I prepared for descent, seeing the Sweeper barge on screen before I could see it beneath the cloud cover. I let Duo take the lead as this was his contact and he slipped through the clouds and out of sight as I'd seen him do so many times before.

I had assumed Duo would be in contact with the ship below and as I lowered the suit towards the landing pad it appeared I was right as space had been cleared for us and specific landing protocol appeared on my screen. I landed next to him, feeling successful with our maiden voyage in these suits with this system. Quickly I disengaged HERA and slid down on the cable lift.

Once on the deck, I pulled off my helmet and looked towards Duo, watching him do the same, his hair unfurling across his back and he shook his head a moment and yeah, it was just as sexy as I'd remembered.

The men on the deck looked shocked and uncertain and even though I was sure some of them must know Duo they stayed away until Howard was walking up towards us, shaking his head.

"You had to bring this mess right to my front door," Howard observed coolly. He looked older – a lot older – than he did during the war, but he his voice had the same quality it did then – tough but approachable.

Duo crossed his arms over his chest. "This is  _your_  mess old man." The words were pointed but they weren't unkind.

Howard jerked a thumb towards me and I didn't even blink. "He's not."

Duo snorted and rolled his eyes. " _Shit_ ," he spit out affectedly, "he's the least of your worries."

"Oh, I have a feeling this all has something to do with him, one way or another..." Howard muttered before waving over some men to deal with the suits and get them below deck. Duo greeted some of them with short waves and shorter pleasantries as we followed Howard off the deck and down into the ship. But once we were in some kind of conference room, alone, Duo turned on Howard in a way that surprised me.

"You know why we agreed to destroy the Gundams and yet here we are." Duo's arms were crossed defensively and I chose to stay out of this for the time being.

"What choice did I have?" Howard asked back, removing his sunglasses to rub at his eyes. "Quatre came to me, begged me, told me there was shit going down and we had to be ready. This is Quatre we're talking about here – not you, not him, not that fuckin' Chinese psychopath."

"We're  _all_  fucking psychopaths, man!" Howard and I both stared at Duo for the sudden exclamation, although the statement was clearly true. We were soldiers at fifteen – trained and dedicated killers – and even though we wanted to do the right thing, the facts were undeniable. "Quatre comes in with his big blue eyes and bleach blonde hair, looking all sweet, all puppy dog eyes, but he runs a multi-billion dollar corporation and he's as cunning as they come. He  _played_  you. He fucking  _played_  you, Howie."

Howard leaned back against the desk, seeming very old and frail then, and it appeared Duo's words affected him perhaps more than Duo realized. But I knew Duo – I knew he was only thinking about how everything seemed to be deteriorating around him with each new thing we learned about the situation. He wasn't really mad at Howard, he was just mad that things got this bad.

Duo rubbed his forehead with his thumb, sighing and hunching his shoulders a bit apologetically. "I'm sorry, man, that was uncalled for, it's just... fuck, yanno? Like..." He crossed the room to sit down next to him on the desk. "Look, I don't want to get you any more involved than you already are, but you have to trust me here, things could get real bad. What happened to 'Ro, what Quatre built those Gundams for... to be frank, we could be looking at another war if we fuck up this meeting with Caldas."

"You're meeting with Sergio Caldas?" Howard asked skeptically and Duo leaned back on his hands and shrugged.

"Guess so. Quat set the meeting up. Don't really have much of a choice." He gave Howard a rueful grin. "Kinda need to borrow a plane if that's cool."

Howard shook his head, getting back a little of his spunk as he slipped his sunglasses back on. "Yeah, whatever, you know I can't deny you anything kid." Then he turned to look at me and though those dark lenses obscured my view of his eyes, I knew he was studying me closely. "I guess death was rough on your face."

My eyes shot to Duo with that statement and his met mine for half a second before a grin overtook his face and he laughed hard at the joke Howard unwittingly made. Even my lips spread into a smile.

"You could say that," Duo managed after a minute. "Shit, it's actually been months now since he showed back up."

Howard lifted his eyebrows and studied Duo then and Duo just waved his hand casually like it was no big deal.

"So, what's the plan? When do you need the plane?" Howard asked then, getting straight to the point.

"Tomorrow morning, after breakfast I guess," Duo answered. "There's a private airfield not too far from my place in Sanc. I'd kinda like to stay there tomorrow night, check in on things, get supplies..." He looked to me and I nodded shortly. I knew he wanted a gun. I didn't see an issue with that. Put us suitably close to the Peacecraft mansion anyway. "I know it's only like seven here, but it was nine when we left L4 and I'm pretty beat. Got any empty bunks?"

Howard nodded and stood. "Wish you could stay longer. Been a long time since I've seen ya."

Duo winced and appeared contrite. "Sorry man, bad timing. You know I'd love to give you a hand around here and all I just..."

"No, I understand. You're young and you got bigger shit to deal with than this place. You always did." They exchanged a fond smile and I felt uncomfortable to observe it. Their relationship was one I could never really understand. Duo once told me Howard was the closest thing to a father he had, now. I guessed Odin was the closest thing I ever had to a father, but then he taught me how to kill and I never would've smiled at him like that.

He lead us to the bunk quarters and Duo exchanged a few smiles and waves as we passed more people he recognized who were excited to see him. When Howard threw open the door to one of the rooms, it was empty, but it was clear which bunks were taken by the stuff stacked on and around them.

"You know the rules," Howard stated with a teasing grin, "jack off as much as you want but no fuckin' and for fucks sake no cuddling or any of that mushy shit."

Duo chuckled and pat him on the back. "Yeah, yeah we'll treat this place like a church tonight, gotcha." They said goodnight and Howard left as I wandered to the back where there were two open bunks, one on top of the other.

Duo was stripping out of his flight suit as he approached, yawning with the back of his hand over his mouth. I actually felt relatively good after our nap this afternoon but piloting HERA was mentally draining and I imagine more so for Duo due to the depth of his emotions. I followed his lead and stripped down to boxers as well, sitting down on the bed and he sat down next to me, so close our shoulders were flush. I stared at him curiously, knowing he would respect Howard – but he grabbed my hand, squeezing tight as he leaned in and kissed me. My heart started pounding in my chest so loud I was sure he could hear it as I remembered what it was like to merge with him emotionally, to be surrounded so intimately by his love.

He must've felt it too because he broke the kiss and stared at his knees. "I shouldn't have been so hard on Howie."

"You were right."

He sighed. I knew that being right wasn't always what was most important to him. His fingers played with mine absently for a minute.

"That thing – with HERA..." he started awkwardly and I didn't know how to help him out. I didn't know what to say. The experience alone...

"It was enough," I said at last, knowing that was the truth.

He smiled weakly at me and nodded before burying his head into my shoulder. We sat there like that together a long time and I relished in the feeling of him, his breathing slowing, his body relaxing as he lay against me, and eventually I realized he had fallen asleep. Carefully I lay him down on the bed, wrapping a sheet around him and running my fingers across his cheek before climbing onto the top bunk and going through the patterns I'd learned so long ago to help me fall asleep so that I wouldn't stay up thinking of him all night.


	33. 3.6 The Ruse

Despite leaving early in the morning, it was dusk by the time we arrived in Sanc and we spent the night going through Duo's excessive arms collection, eating sandwiches from a shop down the street, and drinking vodka in bed straight from the bottle while Duo recounted all the weddings he attended and jobs he'd taken over the years of my absence.

The normalcy of waking up in bed with him heartened me and I went about my morning tasks with an inner peace I hadn't experienced in years. Duo confessed to having kept some of my things, including a suit, and although I didn't quite fill it out the way I had while weight training and working for Preventer, it would have to do for a meeting with the co-founder of L6.

Quatre had e-mailed us the meeting details and we were both thankful it was a relatively early meeting. We had a quick breakfast date on the way to the Peacecraft mansion, going over the details of what we knew because I think we both realized this meeting was going to be trying and we didn't want to go in there without being on the same page.

The Peacecraft mansion was the same as it ever was and likely the same as it always would be. The Porsche was parked for us by the valet and we mounted the stairs confidently. I may have been confused and angry with what was going on here, but I sure as hell wasn't intimidated by Sergio. I was however somewhat surprised when Milliardo himself met us in the entryway.

We exchanged courteous and short greetings with one another. I had plenty of questions for him specifically, but he clearly didn't intend to answer them as he lead us through he halls to a private sitting room. Sergio stood as we entered, the perfect picture of impeccability. He wasn't a particularly domineering man in terms of stature. He was tall, but slight, with slicked back dark curls falling down his neck. His Hispanic heritage gave his face a distinctly hard edge, however, and when he smiled I recognized it as a reflection of my own – calculating, holding no warmth, a social requirement.

"Good afternoon Jack," he greeted casually and my hackles immediately rose. "I see you brought  _him_." I already hated the way this was going but to Duo's credit, he didn't react at all.

"I prefer Heero, thank you," I replied smoothly and stepped forward as he gestured to the plush seating surrounding a coffee table with tea and biscuits set out upon it. "I'm not sure if you've ever met my partner, Duo Maxwell." Not that I had ever met Sergio, per se, but obviously we met at some point when I was Jack.

"Not as such," Sergio replied, offering a handshake Duo accepted with practiced nonchalance. There was a tense moment after we sat where nothing was said and we all tried not to watch but didn't know where else to look as Milliardo fixed himself some tea. But once he was done and relaxed comfortably in his seat, Sergio seemed to resettle himself and fixed me with a pointed stare.

"Do you know why they renamed the L5 LaGrange point?" he asked conversationally, but I assumed the question to be hypothetical. Everyone knew why the L5 point was renamed. Once it became clear I didn't feel the need to answer, he continued with a hint of amusement.

"Humanity is really quite flawed, don't you think? We are mindless little things, so easily swayed by propaganda, by the thoughts and feelings of others, but we have no way to validate those thoughts, to truly understand our fellow man. Even mindless little ants have it better than us – they are biologically wired to share their existence with their brethren."

"And this has to do with the L5 point...?" I interrupted neutrally.

"We are embarrassed of ourselves," Sergio answered directly. "Embarrassed that we don't understand each other, embarrassed that we are led to violence against our fellow man. The self-destruction of L5 is so painful on our collective psyche that we would rather bury our martyrs in political posturing than forgive ourselves our own transgressions against our brothers and sisters. The ESUN practically begged me to put something up there so that we could forget. 'To heal our hearts,' or so they said. But it doesn't have to be that way."

"Yes," I interjected, "we can just wipe our minds to forget – become a civilization of drones."

He chuckled and it made my skin crawl. "You are a smart man, Heero, a man I admire even. Don't be so damned short sighted."

I scowled. Of course I knew what he meant, Quatre had already told us the sum of this conversation so far. But I wasn't going to make it easy for him.

"I don't think the consideration of the few thousand slaves on L6 right now is short sighted," I retorted.

"I know you understand how the ends can justify the means." Sergio's words had a hard edge to them that I didn't appreciate.

"I don't see any end which can justify this."

Sergio sighed and stared at his fingernails for a moment in a particularly self-indulgent manner. I could feel Duo's hostility rolling off him in waves.

"The procedure you created is truly only a very small part of this reality. It is the AI you helped create that truly steals the show."

"You mean that you manipulated me into creating?"

He scoffed. "However you choose to see it, humanity is back to where it should be, on the verge of a huge leap in evolution, a leap that will bring us together, that will eradicate the need for war, conflict, misunderstanding, that will unify us as one global whole."

"God endowed us all with free will," Duo finally sneered and all eyes turned towards him, his teeth barred just slightly under his polite veneer. "And you are  _not_  God."

Sergio's mocking laughter was short. "God is constantly at war with evolution because He does not want His children to realize their full potential for they would destroy Him." His eyes dismissed Duo as easily as a piece of lint picked off a jacket as they slid back to me. Nothing pissed me off the way someone dismissing Duo did.

"Do not let your personal weakness affect your rational intelligence," Sergio warned me, stoking the flames of my anger.

"I have used your system – HERA," I replied, restraining my irritation just barely. "You cannot seriously believe everything you just said about human evolution and then state my consideration for my partner is a 'personal weakness.'"

Sergio's lips twitched downward in disappointment. "You are still thinking far too narrowly, Heero. I am disappointed. Surely you must understand that  _love_ ," he spat the word like it was diseased, "between two people is selfish and dividing at best. It leads to fighting, hatred, jealousy, and consideration of one person above all others. What wouldn't you do for love? We have already established that you would destroy yourself, wipe your mind, agree to whatever proposition we promised in a desperate bid to protect  _him_." Sergio pointed an accusing finger at Duo.

"You don't even know how we used you, how we manipulated you with him." He made a harsh noise of disgust in the back of his throat as my fingernails dug into my palms. "Jack knew nothing of the ZERO system. Jack was nothing but an ultra-intelligent puppet. We used  _his_  memory as an emotional trigger in you to bring out your former life and experiences to create HERA. And you did it – why? You sacrificed your so-called morality and for what? One fucking man."

The desire within me to turn this into a physical altercation was nearly more than I could rein in. I looked towards Milliardo, remembering how he'd told me once nearly ten years ago now that humanity needed those with strong hearts. I wondered how he had become perverted enough to believe in this vision of the future where we were apparently expected to disregard our emotions – our understanding of right and wrong.

"Love can be a beautiful thing when done correctly," he continued, softening his voice slightly as my eyes found his again. "Once humanity is connected absolutely, thoughts and feelings shared instantaneously, love will be actualized on a global scale. Hate will be eliminated because we will truly understand one another. There will be no jealousy, no hatred, no pain – because we will all love each other."

"That's all great," Duo spoke up again, bold and undaunted. "But that's not  _humanity_. Nor should it be. Our pain defines us, creates our individuality which becomes our strength." If anyone had the right to talk about pain, it was Duo. But Sergio completely blew him off without a glance, so before he could get another word in edgewise I leaned forward in my seat, brows furrowed in frustration.

"I am not a man of great vision," I said as plainly as possible, letting the words hang heavy in the air with implication. "I am not Treize Khushrenada. I am not Heero Yuy, although I bear his name. And I am certainly not you. You'll find you are very mistaken if you think you have an ally in me. All I have ever wanted was a simple life, free from oppression and tyranny – and what you are describing to me sounds a lot like tyranny."

A brief flash of irritation rippled through Sergio's dark eyes before he smoothed it away. "Well that's a disappointment."

"You have a work force of slaves, a hangar full of mobile suits, and a dormitory of child pilots and you argue that isn't oppression?" My words bit off angrily as I fought the urge to stand and walk out. "Perhaps I might believe in your fantasy if I hadn't killed my first man at eight – you should consider  _that_."

"You have no interest in those suits, what they can do?" he asked then, sounding faintly surprised.

"I gave up that life willingly and worked to actively shut down operations like this. What interest would I have in a fleet of mechanized weapons beyond making sure it never sees the light of day?" I posited seriously, unable to understand how he thought I would be party to this madness.

"They are not weapons." Sergio seemed personally offended by the idea. "And if everything goes according to plan, they never will be."

"Of course," I muttered darkly, "stipulations. You are no different than Dekim Barton and every alleged revolutionary before him."

"But you have used it!" His voice took on a surprisingly desperate edge. "Haven't you felt it? The connection you can have with someone else – unlike anything you have experienced before?"

I grunted in a particularly dismissive way. "Clearly you have never experienced the kind of mind-altering sex that I have." I didn't break eye contact with Sergio but I heard Duo choke back a laugh at the unexpected statement and even Milliardo appeared to be struggling not to respond as he buried his face in his teacup. I'll admit to myself that the HERA experience Duo and I shared was definitely on an entirely different level than anything I'd ever experienced before – but I sure as hell wasn't going to admit that to Sergio.

He just sighed in aggravation and I stood. Everyone followed my lead and I appraised him for a moment, not caring that I had to look up at him, just leveling my well-practiced glare on him.

"It is obvious that we have nothing to say to one another – you will not divulge your plan any more than I will allow it to succeed." Then I warned him seriously, "I  _will_  expose you and put an end to this farce before you can do any serious damage to Earth or the colonies. That, I promise you."

Sergio held out his hand and I took it in a firm shake despite the hostility between us.

"For what it's worth, I hoped this would go differently," he offered and I scowled.

"For what it's worth, Duo wasn't why I didn't take the job originally," I returned flatly. "AI design simply doesn't interest me." His lips tightened, agitation clear at my total dismissal of his work, but before he could argue any further I was turning from him and walking out.

Duo's light footfalls followed me as well as the distinct, heavy stride of Milliardo. As soon as we were significantly down the hall, I slowed, falling in line with Milliardo and appraising him, holding back as much disdain as I could manage.

"You always have to ride the coattails of megalomaniacs." It was an accusation, but he didn't flinch.

"History will remember me – unlike you." He spoke quietly, without any sort of infliction or condemnation as far as I could tell. It was just an explanation. And I guess that's where we were fundamentally different. I never had any desire to be a part of history – and I never would. But I was just a nobody, a boy who meant nothing to no one, and he was a Peacecraft with the weight of hundreds of years of history riding on his back.

We didn't speak as we walked out and the valet pulled the car up, both of us spotting the helicopter en route to our location – likely to pick up Sergio. Duo flipped it off with both fingers as the Porsche pulled up and we climbed in. As soon as we were off the premises, he declared in no uncertain terms that he needed a drink.

The terrace level restaurant we found ourselves in was typical of anywhere in New Port City and Duo was already on his second beer in nearly as many minutes – having ordered two as soon as he sat down. He appeared to be over the string of obscenities and attacks on Sergio's person that had dominated our conversation until he lapsed into silence.

"So what are we going to do?" he finally asked, turning his eyes towards me from under his bangs, obviously hoping I had some kind of answer. I thought about it a minute, hating to disappoint him with a lack of any real, concrete plan. I had a feeling that nothing Sergio told me would be news to Quatre and I had a sinking suspicion that Sergio never really planned to divulge anything that would have been. I didn't really understand why that meeting had been set up at all, frankly, and it irritated me as I straightened the flatware on the table, the one little thing I could control.

"Maybe we should go to Une," I offered, finally capitulating to the demand he'd made from the very beginning. He sighed, laid his head in his hand and rolled his eyes to the bar in disappointment. I didn't know what else to tell him. Aside of infiltrating L6, which I imagined wouldn't be so easy this time around, and blowing the place from the inside, killing who knows how many innocent brainwashed people and children, I really didn't know what else we could do. Being as the pilots were children, it really put us in a bad position. We both had our reasons for wanting to avoid the deaths of innocent children as much as possible that spanned back much further than Zurich.

Which lead me to wonder, why did it have to be children? Duo and I both piloted HERA without any particular difficulty. I thought back to the omitted information in Trowa's plans and what I had read of Jack's published research while recovering from my knee injury. And I considered my experience with Lizzy and compared it to my experience with Duo and I wondered if we were doing something wrong or if HERA held back the full use of the system intentionally due to the physical strain it imposed on us. I could feel Duo's emotional state, sure, but Lizzy had accessed my mind in a way I couldn't access Duo's. She pulled my thoughts straight from my head and pushed her own thoughts onto me. Perhaps I was just so self-absorbed in the emotional onslaught I hadn't tried to do the same?

But my mind flipped through what I could remember of Jack's research and I remembered Duo in the shower, saying he knew they were using children, and I remembered that night we decided to go to L6 and what he'd said and I looked back up at him.

"You said that –"

He cut me off with a finger and I followed his eyes to the TV over the bar where a picture of Relena filled the screen as the muted anchor talked and subtitles scrolled across.

"– has been declared missing as of 11:00 a.m. UTC." Duo slammed his fist into the table, causing all the flatware to jump and clatter. "No further information has been given to the press at this time. We have been asked to announce that if you have any information which might aid in the recovery of Mrs. Darlian Peacecraft to call –"

I stopped watching the TV as Duo stood abruptly, stalked across the nearly empty dining area, and stalked back, slamming his hands down on the table and looking at me with startling intensity.

"That fucker totally played us," he growled, fingers flexing on the lacquered surface until the tips turned white. "He brought us close, the one fucking place we wouldn't be able to do anything, the one way we wouldn't suspect shit, and he's already on a damned helicopter heading to fuck knows where!"

My anger rose up to meet his, then, as I considered that he was absolutely right. The whole meeting was a fucking ruse, an opportunity to steal Relena right out from under us. I didn't know what the hell Sergio wanted with Relena but it sure as shit wasn't going to be good, I knew that. Fuck, he could be planning to perform the memory procedure on her.

The waitress was eyeing us nervously – I guess when you have a table with a guy stalking around angrily, downing beers, and another guy with his face ripped up and scabbed over it does seem a bit hostile – and I waved her over, asking her to box our lunches and handing her a card.

We didn't really have time to be screwing around here. We had to get back to our new Gundams – and quick.


	34. 3.7 The Speech

I'm not sure we said more than ten words to each other on the trip despite how long a flight it was, so intense was our frustration and shame. But when we landed back on the freighter we were immediately bombarded by Duo's buddies dragging us into a conference room where Howard was waiting with a news clip recorded and pulled up on a large video screen.

"Since you're back so soon, I'm guessin' you saw 'bout Relena?" Howard asked by way of greeting.

"Saw she's been taken," Duo replied, crossing his arms over his chest when he stopped in front of the screen. "Don't know what that dick wants with her – I mean, she is the ESUN VP for Sanc now but there are certainly more prominent members that could have been abducted."

"Well, you don't have to worry – she's fine. More than fine, in fact," Howard explained, "she just gave a speech on the floor of Parliament about fifteen minutes ago."

"What?" My voice sounded strange even to me and Duo made a strangled sound.

Howard hit play and the anchor started talking as the clip rolled. "This just in – Relena Darlian Peacecraft has been found addressing the Halls of Parliament in Geneva only moments ago. This clip was picked up exclusively by ESNN feeds and is brought to you here first."

When the clip started rolling, you saw Relena approach the podium in the vast and empty room. It wasn't uncommon for politicians to make political statements at any time of day in Parliament as, with all rooms of high political significance, it was constantly monitored by television networks for anything worthy of note – usually involving spats between politicians that could show up on the nightly news. That's not even going into the fact that with time zones the way they are between Earth and the colonies, politics is a constant game, where getting the upper hand often involved speeches and announcements at unorthodox times.

I was still amazed Relena chose to employ that tactic as she faced the empty seats, her eyes directed forward, the camera cutting to a three-quarter view of her.

"My fellow citizens of the ESUN," she began, "you have been deceived. By me and politicians like me who have inadvertently hindered our evolutionary development by boxing us into regulations that negate our potential for true, absolute peace."

"Fuck," I heard Duo breath out next to me.

"The time for drastic change is upon us – a forward step towards a world where we can truly understand one another without the barriers of language, color, gender, and sex – a world where our children can be truly connected to one another, to experience true cooperation and understanding.

"At this moment, mobile suits will be landing in major cities across the ESUN. Please do not be alarmed and do not resist, they mean you no – hey!"

At this point, the camera panned out, security guards converging on her position, handcuffing her behind her back.

"They come in peace!" she cried out, eyes darting from camera to camera as she was being dragged forcibly off the podium, repeating that cry twice more before the room was empty and nothing was heard, the anchor reappearing on the screen. Howard moved to click to a presently running news channel.

"Is that even legal?" Duo demanded, eyes hard as they turned to me, then to Howard, looking for some kind of explanation. "Can they just detain her like that?"

But words were bypassed as our eyes were riveted to the screen once more, video feeds of various quality showing those same new type mobile suits landing across prominent cities across the ESUN, on Earth and in the colonies, in innumerable mass, disrupting city centers, people running in fear. It brought back a feeling in me that I didn't anticipate – anger, sure, but something more, something deeper. Disappointment – bottomless and piercing. Not even ten years later and already the same images of fear and violence? Perhaps they came in peace, perhaps Sergio truly meant well, truly believed the shit he said in that meeting – but people were simple and easily confused, easily scared, and tactics like this – a takeover by a force people had learned to fear ten years ago – was nothing but fear mongering, the intent to cause panic and compliance.

I felt my heartbeat quicken in my chest suddenly and saw with startling clarity the same scenes from the cockpit of Wing, saw as I mowed down brainwashed soldiers in inferior mobile suits, remembering declarations of how I would kill them all, how I'd fight through longer than anyone – remembered how I would go to any extreme to win. I felt a sense of panic I hadn't felt in years as memories of burning metal and seared flesh, blood and carnage, gun powder, explosives, every death on my hands ripping through my mind and I stumbled backward, unable to force my eyes from the screen, from my own destruction.

I heard my name but then it wasn't really my name, was it? It was just a vestige of a life I gave up a long time ago but here I was – faced with it once more. Heero Yuy. Never able to escape the shadow of a man who promoted peace as I tore it apart. The ends didn't justify the means – children as pilots, forced into actions beyond their scope of understanding, beyond their ability to be responsible for – it wasn't until now, as an adult, looking back, facing children in those suits that I grasped that level of manipulation intimately.

"Duo!" I gasped, visions of horror and destruction replaced by wide blue eyes, concern etched through them. For a moment they seemed like they were ten years ago, desperate and hurting and buoyed by an inner strength that forced him forward, a self-confidence I couldn't help but admire, a dedication to the inevitable – like a reflection of myself. As I blinked back to reality, I realized I was trembling and his arms were fisted in my jacket, holding me up.

"Shit 'Ro, you okay?" he asked cautiously as I fought to force my breathing to return to normal.

"Yeah, I – Duo?" His brows furrowed but his hands dropped as I regained composure. "You said you knew they were using child pilots. Why? Why when we can interface with HERA just as well?"

He took a step back and I could see his mind work as he considered the unexpected question. I felt my heart finally begin to slow, my nerves calm, and his eyes met mine.

"Jack said that children had to be recruited while their synapse development was still expanding so that it could be manipulated to work in tandem with the AI..." he mused, thumbing his chin. "But you're right – unless our training – ?"

"No," I murmured, sitting back against a table for stability as it started to make sense to me.

Lizzy could reach into my mind like that because she had full access to the system. We were only working with a limited version, a version that took into account our weaknesses, our lack of mental maturity, our inability to truly interface. That's why there was no cockpit information, no gears or shifters or levers or thrusters – that's why children could still control them with limited strength. They were completely integrated mentally into the system. Sergio wanted to make the human race into a true hive mind. Just like Quatre said: if we are truly interconnected, what is the necessity of a human body?

"We don't have access to the full functionality of HERA," I concluded, meeting Duo's curious eyes and he frowned. "When I interfaced with Lizzy, she could put her thoughts directly into my head. I couldn't do that with you. I could only feel you."

"Theoretical my ass," Duo muttered, fists clenching and unclenching, eyes lost in a memory.

Howard coughed as if alerting us to his presence. Though I hadn't forgotten about him being there, I continued to ignore him, throwing a glance at the screen as the anchor rambled on about cities being invaded, about uniformed troops being deployed to round up citizens. There was no reason being stated for these actions, but I had a guess, and it had to do with my brain reconstruction procedure for everyone too old to interface with the expanded HERA system.

And no one could fight back. There would be no defense. All weapons had been destroyed – except for those produced by Sergio, the three Gundams rebuilt by Quatre, and some barely salvageable old Leos and Tauruses maintained by small factions of fringe insurgents who never gave up the fight.

"We should try to get in touch with Wufei," I suggested, standing once more and Duo nodded. "He might still be able to get out of Lyon."

Howard threw Duo a cell phone and he began typing Wufei's number. "What are you thinking?"

"He gets Quatre's other suit."

Duo hesitated, looked up at me for a brief moment, and nodded once more before hitting send. He had to know Quatre was in no condition to pilot – if he would even give up the last Gundam to Wufei. It wasn't incredibly clear whether he supported Sergio or not, but I didn't have time to go back to L4 to figure that out. Wufei could handle Quatre if anyone could.

I came to stand behind Duo, staring at the screen as he redialed several times before Wufei finally picked up, screen dark but Duo had him on speaker.

"Who the fuck is this?" The anger and frustration in his voice hit me intimately, reminded me of that voice over cockpit comms at fifteen, all fire and passion and sense of duty. A dedication to the inevitable, binding us all together.

"Duo Maxwell speaking," Duo chimed back, a smirk crossing his face as the video switched on and Wufei's face was revealed to us. Despite the fury contorting it, he seemed relieved to see us.

"And Heero?" he asked, eyes briefly alighting on me. "Where have you been?"

"Oh, you know, just taking an exclusive tour of L6, lounging around Quat's on L4, piloting Gundams back to Earth, meeting megalomaniacs – the usual ex-terrorist shit." His voice glossed over his description of the past few weeks as confusion replaced Wufei's anger.

"What are you talking about?"

"You able to get out to L4 'Fei? Preventer clearance and all?"

"Fuck." He dropped the screen and muted his phone, interacting with someone off camera for a minute before coming back. "Maybe. I have connections but air traffic is basically shut down. I have to have a damn good reason to risk it. Une expected me in Paris an hour ago."

"Well buddy, this is way the fuck better than Paris."

Duo quickly filled him in on Quatre's partnership with Sergio, the HERA system, and the reconstructed Gundams, our meeting with Sergio. I found I didn't need to add anything to his summary.

"We're going back to L6," I stated matter-of-factly once he was done. "I intend to shut this down before it gets any more out of hand. We may need you."

Wufei was nodding as he walked, stopping suddenly, eyes pinning back to the screen and meeting mine. "I'll be there."

"Quatre is in no way stable," I added, feeling a sense of relief that we had his commitment. "He might not hand the suit over willingly."

"I think he will," Wufei stated mildly. "He drafted the legislation banning all forms of weaponry in the ESUN including mobile suit construction. He knows what is in that legislation. If he doesn't want to go to trial for crimes against humanity, he'll let me have it."

That was a sobering testament to Quatre's instability.

"Be careful," I warned him finally. "These are children we are dealing with and children much younger than we were."

"Understood." His voice was firm, his face serious. I knew he was already committed to the mission.

"And 'Fei," Duo added suddenly, voice tight with emotion – which surprised me. "The system, it's not so bad, just make sure to assert your control over it. I know you can do it, just don't let it go connecting you out to everything across the whole universe."

Though we didn't go into much detail about HERA due to the limited time frame we were working with, he nodded, and I knew him well enough to know that he would figure it out.

"Thank you," I said and his eyes glanced away at something happening off screen and back to me.

"See you in space," he answered confidently and the line disconnected.

Duo looked at me then and I think we both felt the weight of the moment. This wasn't about us anymore – hadn't been for a long time. But now – now we had to pick back up the pieces of who we were and hope they were enough to stop our past from becoming a bleak and hopeless future.


	35. 3.8 The Deception

We found ourselves slipping into our flight suits in the abandoned bunk quarters in silence. There was nothing to say. There was never anything to say before a mission.

I remembered being in that school with him, preparing to blow up that OZ freighter, and I remembered it so clearly it hardly seems reasonable but I do. Once we'd gone over all the schematics, there was nothing left to say, and his mouth stilled and I stared a moment too long, surprised by how disconcerting it seemed, surprised by his sincerity and dedication. I remember thinking that I had found a partner, a sympathizer, someone who could maybe understand one tiny part of me – but having been alone for so long, the thought was weird and uncomfortable. And it was the beginning of all my doubt. What did my feelings for him mean? I never needed a comrade before, and yet, after meeting Duo... Things changed. My whole life changed.

"Hey," Duo said softly, turning from where he was digging through his duffle. "Would you do me a favor?"

I glanced at him curiously, unsure of what he could possibly ask of me at this late juncture.

"What?"

He stepped up close to me and I could smell his skin. It was an earthy, heady scent that grounded me so many times, that held me close and wrapped me up within it, protected me – made me think of warm arms in the night, my nose buried his chest as tremors wracked me, the residual urge to flee from fragmented nightmares twisting in my gut, firing through the synapses in my brain.

"Would you wear this tracker for me?" he asked, holding a tiny electronic pin in the palm of his hand and I forced myself to stay still as my eyes appraised him suspiciously. "You never asked me why I went to that conference every year, but I got all kinds of badass tech over the years there. This was from three years ago – hides up under your skin."

"I don't think so," I replied, cold, distancing myself from him, suddenly unsure of his intentions. His face clouded and I couldn't interpret it. It was unsettling. It was like I was fifteen again and I couldn't read him anymore.

"Huh?" He seemed confused. "I'm just concerned that we'll get separated or something will happen and –"

"I'm not arguing about this," I interrupted, stepping away to grab my helmet. We didn't have the time, frankly.

"Heero." His voice was sharp and I looked up at him, aggravated. But no sooner had my lips parted to ask him what he wanted then he was pressing his to mine, fogging my brain with lust and desire, distracting me as he pushed the pin into my neck.

I shoved him away, fingers feeling where the prick was but it was already hopelessly embedded in my skin. I glared at him, feeling deceived and angry. What was he thinking, tagging me against my will? I hadn't had a chance to study that piece of technology, I didn't know what his intention was, I didn't know if it was something that could be used against me on L6.

"I tagged myself already," he stated, grabbing his own helmet, voice hard. I didn't understand his reasoning, I didn't understand why he would actively trick me.

Suddenly, I realized I couldn't trust him and the overriding urge to remove him from this mission forcibly struck me. I considered my options quickly. The easiest thing would be to physically incapacitate him right here – break a leg, an arm possibly. All I had to do was grab it, pull it forward, hit the elbow just right. I could see it bend in my mind, hear the bones crack under my force and I began to reach out, to complete the action –

And I stopped. I blinked and looked at him again, seeing worry in his eyes, hesitation.

"I'm sorry, but I just –"

"No," I interrupted again, clearing my head, dark memories of pressing my gun to his temple overwhelming me, making my chest uncomfortably tight. This couldn't fucking be happening right now. This was the last damn thing I needed. "It's fine. You're right."

He breathed a sigh of relief and moved in close again, one gloved hand stroking my cheek. "I just don't want to lose you again, yanno?"

I swallowed and tried not to let on how concerned and panicky I felt when I considered how I was just casually going to break his arm without a second thought.

"I don't want to lose you either."

My voice was tense and strange but Duo looked at me sympathetically and drew me back into another kiss, lingering, and I felt my heart bottom out in my stomach. What the fuck was I doing? What was I supposed to do? It wasn't Duo I couldn't trust – it was myself. Once again I was forced to protect him from myself.

"You're distracted," he observed as he pulled away, watching my face carefully as I stonewalled him.

"It's time," I replied, trying to distance myself the way I had so many times, on so many missions, but now for more personal reasons as I pushed past him to the door and he followed without any annoyance at me, just the same nervous anticipation of the future that he always displayed before a mission.

"I have to talk to Howard a minute," Duo warned as we headed to the deck where Howard's men had supposedly been readying our suits.

I quickly made a decision as I nodded, watching him turn down a different corridor, braid swaying jauntily, helmet swinging at the end of his fingertips and I bit down on my lower lip hard as I watched him disappear, saying a sad goodbye to the only man who was able to explain love to me.

But soldiers had no need of love except to motivate them forward, give them a reason to fight, something to protect. Love had no place on a battlefield. It was a distraction – especially for me, the way my mind was deceiving me. When this was over, I could deal with this, I could keep my promise to Duo, we could tackle this together. But now, right now – this was too big, too important, and there was only one sure way to keep him safe.

I climbed into his suit and sabotaged the system before he reached the deck by wiping his nav system and all the base code for suit operation. It would take them hours to download and recalibrate the software to this particular suit's mechanics – assuming they even had an OS on hand when mobile suit systems were basically outlawed except in heavily monitored academic settings. Or apparently if you were a business mogul the likes of Sergio Caldas.

I watched the wind pick up Duo's hair as he strode confidently across the deck, bangs ruffling over his eyes. I was already ascending via zip line into my own suit so that was it – I couldn't touch him, couldn't risk my mind tricking me anymore where he was involved. We would both be safer this way. The mission had a higher chance of success this way.

He smiled and my heart pounded. I watched as he pressed his index finger to his lips, pursing them, a signal to me – a farewell kiss. That same signal used to so many times – on bomb threats and deep within insurgent dens, across staff meetings and train stations. In Zurich, right before I pressed the trigger on a bus full of children.

But I had already said goodbye in my own way and I turned my eyes away to the opened cockpit door, forcing my mind away from its ultimate distraction. I couldn't risk any unnecessary thoughts of him – not now – not until this was over.

I fell heavily into the leather seating, strapping myself in and fitting my helmet quickly as I ran the boot operations and typed in the code for HERA. I felt the system hum to life around me, the raw power reverberating around my weak human body and for a brief moment I could identify with the desire to shed the mortal coil and find a stronger, more potent alternative. It was exhilarating. I wondered if Sergio really knew – if he'd ever piloted a mobile suit during the war, ever had access to this feeling of raw supremacy to everyone and everything.

But then memories of sheets and skin and the feeling of cotton and sweat against prickled flesh, hard and wanting, fingertips sliding against muscle and bone, lips open and teeth scraping against flesh hit me and a shiver ran down my spine. There was  _nothing_  like that feeling. That vulnerability, to allow someone else that close to you, physically, by your choice, in your own desperate desire, was power in a completely different, completely metaphysical way.

It was a power that prevailed over the power I wielded in this suit – the power of destruction. It was the power born of choice and passion, a power to connect and meld. It was a power I never knew until I met Duo, a power that changed my life and filled me with a deep, primordial understanding of why – why we existed, why we were so hopelessly flawed, why we  _needed_  one another.

And it was a choice we made for ourselves, an option that was all our own, to seek out that power in someone else, someone we selected, someone we found a sympathetic reflection of our self inside of. Sergio wanted to force that, wanted us to share that same understanding across every member of the human race and maybe that would be better, maybe that would one day be ideal, but to force that upon us now, at this stage of our evolutionary development felt like rape and I knew despite finding some understanding of his motivations that I could not let humanity be raped in that manner. Not for one man's satisfaction.

I was in the air before Duo had entered his cockpit and was breeching atmosphere before I felt the gut wrenching sensation of hurt rock through my mind as his system connected itself to mine. I realized in that moment that I should've wiped HERA too, but my focus under such a time constraint was to take out only what was necessary to the operation of his suit. He had no comms and he couldn't reach me, but I knew by the poignancy of his emotions everything he would say to me if he could. I couldn't stop my heart from sending back an apology, but I couldn't explain – it was for the best this way.

This was my problem from the beginning. I created this situation. This was all my fault. There was no reason to drag him into it and now I had the perfect excuse to take him out.

"HERA, please shut down my connection to Duo," I commanded through grit teeth, unable to take the feeling of his anguish at being left behind. It faded quickly, but HERA came back.

_He is refusing to disengage his system from ours._

Fuck. I didn't really want him feeling everything I felt, but at this point there was nothing I could do about that. As long as I couldn't feel him, I couldn't be distracted by him. But it made me feel hollow inside to think of how I could just cut him out like that and I wondered as I streaked into space if he understood down there on Earth why I felt like this. I wondered if he would understand that this was the same way I felt when I contemplated erasing him from my mind as well.

I thought about what a huge mistake this had been. I thought about what must've motivated Jack to make the decision to try to resurrect me so desperately. I wondered if he knew what was happening, how the procedure I'd created was going to be abused and if that was why he acted. I wondered if I'd ever really know.

_You were unaware of how current day events would come to fruition when you jumped from that hotel balcony._

I flinched, surprised by the information. It never occurred to me that HERA might be able to access memories of mine that I could not. I remembered my experience first using HERA, the memories pressed on me from my own mind, sparked by connecting with Lizzy. I wondered... I wondered then what made Jack jump. How he knew I would be resurrected when I had thought the procedure irreversible.

_You didn't know that your memories would be restored, but you decided that living in a world without Duo was too painful, and that even if you died it would be better than surviving without any of your former memories and no hope of a meaningful relationship with him._

It felt like a weight settled in on my chest, crushing me when I considered HERA's answer. I wondered if Duo could feel that, too, how terrible I felt right at this moment. I had cut him out of my life again, but this time I offered him nothing in return. But it was necessary. For him, so that he could survive me. For me, so that I could complete this mission. For the mission, so that no one else had to suffer at the hands of my creation.

The stars blurred before my eyes and I stared at them in confusion until I blinked and felt water run down my face. Fuck. I didn't want it to be this way – but I just had to hope he would forgive me once more when I returned.


	36. 3.9 The Mistake

The proximity alarms and HERA's fingers on my consciousness pulled me from my light slumber. I wasn't really intending to sleep, but then I hadn't slept in over twelve hours and the flight to L6 was a long one. Not to mention, despite how eager I was to resolve this issue, I wanted to give Wufei time to catch up with me in case I needed back up, so I wasn't really in a rush.

_Rendezvous with four HERA-manipulated mobile suits in three minutes._

Immediately shaking off my sleep, I moved to pull up visual but HERA anticipated my desire and had it pulled up before my fingers reached the panel. It seemed in light of this system that it was unnecessary for Quatre to have patterned Zeus' design and control pattern after Wing as HERA could respond to my demands faster than my own body could.

I had to fight back the automatic response within me to pull out the thermal saber as I waited for them to approach. I took a deep breath and lowered my mental shields as HERA dropped the system buffers to connect me with other AIs. There was a moment of lag and I was hit with a wash of apprehension that was distinctly Duo and I swallowed back the swelling of emotion those few seconds caused in my gut.

_The connection with Duo Maxwell was never reestablished._

I blinked, perplexed, but shook my head to clear my confusion as the new type suits grew larger on the screen.

_You are experiencing unusual brain activity._

What the fuck was that supposed to mean exactly? I didn't really have time to dwell on it as I was immediately bombarded by the thoughts of four others roving through my brain. It almost hurt to have my thoughts shifted through, dissected, pulled directly from my brain like that, without my consent. I forced myself to relax, allow it to happen, not fight it.

"We were warned about him."

"He piloted during the war."

"ZERO system."

"Division.

"Right."

While I heard their discussion as it was filtered through HERA it was fast, too fast for me to focus on, often disjointed and accompanied by vague images of things I had never seen before yet morphing with my own experiences in some attempt to help me understand. But the feeling I got was that they understood each other perfectly, their frames of reference all the same, and I understood that this was an effect of the collective consciousness.

"He knows Lizzy."

"But he's not a friend."

"Something is wrong with him."

"No."

"He intends to hurt us."

"His memories are deformed."

"He wants to destroy our home."

I realized as images flashed before my eyes through the backlash of their shared mental link that home to them was L6, that dormitory we entered into after crawling through the waste ducts of the colony. The effect was disconcerting as memories of Duo moving through our place in Lyon combined with those children's barracks and the chatter of little voices running up and down the hallway and I suppose the merging memories were in part as we were the same – orphans with only one clear picture of what 'home' was.

"Doesn't he know what home is?"

Before the thought was even fully formed the next one came through and squeezed my heart.

"He destroyed his own home."

The accusation made me irrationally angry. How could they judge me – mere children brainwashed by a megalomaniac? What did they know of love? It was unfortunate but my own experiences, my own loneliness as a child, the insecurity of traveling with a mercenary, pretending to be his son, shot back through the connection and hostility snapped between us. My anger built, overriding everything, grounded in doubt I hadn't felt with such poignancy since I was a child not much older than them – doubt that Odin was my father, doubt that he loved me, doubt that I had a home, doubt that I was safe – that we were safe. No child should have to suffer that kind of insecurity and the child in me cried out at what felt like mocking laughter from the children in the suits. They had a home, they had security.

Words were no longer necessary as emotions flew between us. I understood their anger that I would try to take the only security, the only home they had ever had from them, but it didn't matter to me. Their home was a threat to mine – to Duo, to the peace we had established ten years ago which in and of itself felt like home. They didn't understand that this wasn't right, this wasn't normal, and I couldn't show them anything. What did I have but a dead man who told me to live by my emotions and a lover I'd abandoned in fear? I thought of the little girl in the park, that dog, the elaborate fantasy I'd created surrounding – that she had a mother and father who cared about her, hugged her, picked her up and held her in their laps and stroked through her hair – this whole elaborate fantasy life I didn't know or understand but wanted and destroyed for someone else and all that pain and anguish was sent blasting through the link between us.

And of course, what else would those children think as they filtered through my memories of buildings burning and my guilt, my horror, other than that I was a monster? I couldn't even accurately defend myself in my own heart because even  _I_  thought I was a monster.

I felt the change in their dispositions as the hostility between us grew to a breaking point and my fingers navigated over the controls with frightening speed as I drew out the thermal saber. They had anticipated that action but still – even with the ability to predict my moves through the neural link supplied by HERA, they could only respond as quickly as they could think.

I engaged the thrusters and burst towards them, blood pulsing through my veins, anger and frustration and helplessness and memories of the past and all the times I'd done this before and all the people I was forced to kill and all for what? My whole life was a sad failure if I didn't succeed here, if I allowed this to happen.

They separated and I got the backlash of technical diagrams of fight patterns and I smirked even as they began trying to shut down the connection between us. I felt intimately their realization that I knew more than them about this even as they procured primitive weaponry and that feeling of superiority, of being better than the enemy, welled up within me and I knew I had them.

The best way to work a situation with multiple opponents trying to distract you by splitting up is to focus on one target at a time, draw them away and pin them down solo. If anyone followed you could always turn on them and take them out. But I saw the specs on these suits, knew that they were lighter and with more thrust than what I currently possessed and knew that I would run out of fuel before I ever caught up to one. However, I also knew that the tactic would still work because I was once privy to the way my enemy thought and I knew without a doubt that they would move to protect one of their own. They were conditioned towards protecting their home and their comrades were their home – as assuredly as Duo was mine.

I grit my teeth against the G force as I pulled up hard and maneuvered towards the suit closest to me. It was clear the enemy didn't want to engage me, which was an irritation more than anything although not inherently unwise as I would clearly overpower them individually. The suit fled backward as I moved forward to overtake it.

As I anticipated, HERA warned me that the other three suits were coming up from behind, likely assuming that strength in numbers would allow them to overpower me. I felt them attempt to access my thoughts but I rebuked them, knowing HERA wouldn't allow it if I didn't want it and I couldn't afford to be distracted by emotion, by pity or sympathy. Training seared through my brain as I turned suddenly, swinging my thermal sword straight into the side of one of the suits, watching as energy crackled across it. I jerked the arm upward and watched as metal melted and bent away, straight up to the cockpit, until I knew the suit and pilot were completely immobilized.

A sense of satisfaction filled me then – one down and three left to go. It seemed my opponents were intimidated by my prowess, my power in this suit just as they should be – it was a Gundam and I was a superior soldier.

I freed my saber from the suit and turned towards my next opponent, the imposing but otherwise inferior and useless Leos staring back at me, coordinating their next attack while backing away. I turned on them, furious, rage from being played by people I was supposed to be able to trust, by Dr. J, by  _everyone_  overriding rational thought and I knew I could only rely on myself. I would end this. I was the only one now who could protect Earth and the colonies. I was the only one I could trust.

Laughing cruelly as adrenaline pumped through my veins I sped forward, feigning a quick attack only to fall back and reverse thrusters. My torso snapped against the harness and my previously injured ribs screamed at me but I didn't care. I was stronger even than the vessel I was forced to wield and I sucked my tongue back in my mouth, clamped my teeth together, gripped the thrusters hard as I came alongside the enemy suit. I switched quickly to the arm control stick and brought my thermal saber straight up into the chest cavity of the Leo, the whole thing lighting up and then going abruptly dark and I knew it was dead.

The other two suits shot away from me even as my mind seared in agony and a voice roared my name across my consciousness and I stopped and whipped my head around, looking for the source before I realized where I was and what happened and that the voice was resonating within my own head. I stared out in horror and devastation as I realized my thermal sword wasn't sunk into a Leo at all, but a newtype suit carrying the now lifeless body of a child. My arms shook and I swallowed hard, pulling out the sword and backing away slowly. I... I didn't intend to do that. I never intended to hurt those children. HERA was blaring warnings about my brain activity in my head and it pounded painfully and I slumped in the seat, breathing heavily, just trying to gain some kind of hold on reality once more.

_"Would an incident like that have to be repeated again?"_

Memories of Wufei's words bubbled up from the back of my brain and I wanted to silence him, I didn't want to think about that or what I'd said or what I'd meant because now –

_"How many more times must I kill that girl and her dog?"_

– because now there was no speculation, there was only fact. At least twice more. At least twice more I would have to kill that girl and probably even more than that if I was going to take down the whole fucking colony with its dormitories full of child pilots forced to fight me, forced to die.

If Duo were here...

My solemn reflection of his disappointment in me was almost immediately interrupted by my remembrance and sudden curiosity over who had dragged me from my instable destruction of innocent children. I reached out to HERA tentatively, stretching my mind out towards an unknown point in space, trying to find whoever disrupted me earlier.

When our minds touched again I gasped in shock, slamming back into my seat as the force of his presence overwhelmed me.

It was Lennon.


	37. 3.10 The Ally

I felt Lennon sift through my memories of the battle that had just occurred as I sat panting, feeling weak and confused. My heart pounded and my eyes searched the space in front of me frantically, looking for him, looking for the Leos that were no longer there. I tried to reconcile my memories with reality and I just... couldn't. In that moment I felt truly, utterly fucked.

"They are just children in those suits, you know...?"

His uncertainty was alarming given the circumstances. I mean I knew there were children in these suits so my memories should dictate that to him and yet he still felt it necessary to ask which meant... I just... It just felt so much like...

I thought of the war and I guess he understood, having been a soldier himself. It didn't seem to surprise him that I was a Gundam pilot, not OZ ground troops as we'd told him before on the ride in to L6 when this was just a scouting operation and we had no idea what we'd find.

 _Your brain activity is returning to normal_ , HERA informed me and I sighed but I didn't withdraw my weapon.

I didn't know what was happening, I didn't know where Lennon was, and whether we wanted to admit it or not, those children were a threat. It occurred to me that Lennon's voice wasn't being pipped through speakers – he wouldn't have access to my radio frequencies – and if he wasn't close enough for general broadcast, then he had to be hooked up to HERA. But when I considered the plans Trowa had given us, the implication was that no one could use the full version of HERA that wasn't introduced to it as a child...

"Where is he?" I demanded of HERA and her reply came only moments before his.

_He is on L6._

"This is a one way trip for me, buddy," Lennon said with a laugh before offering me the full story through pushed memories.

Once Duo and I disappeared he realized shit was about to go down. They wholesale forced wiping the minds of the others who rode in with us, who were there at the request of Edward and Relena. And instead of sitting around and letting himself be fucked, Lennon ran, disappearing into the lower levels of the colonies through more conventional means than the waste system. He managed to hide in the dormitories for a few hours as the children were out on training and in the cafeteria but eventually Trowa found him. Trowa was about to turn him in when he happened to mention us as he begged desperately not to be taken back, not to have his memories, everything that made him who he was, erased.

Trowa explained to him his fears that the children were too brainwashed, too controlled to do what needed to be done to stop this and Lennon volunteered to help. When I connected with Lizzy and Trowa learned of it, he knew beyond a doubt that we had suits and that I would come here, sooner or later, and that I would need help. Unfortunately, there was no less evasive system for Lennon to interface with.

The image of his body hooked to cables and computers, rotting away in bed came to me and I felt a certain level of disgust as I considered the past few days of his life –interacting with the children, waiting for me to come here, completely tied into the system, his body basically dead, being fed intravenously by Trowa, waiting for this moment.

Despite my disgust I couldn't help but be grateful as I lived through his experience and he offered me back no shame.

"Although we were on opposing sides, I fought for peace too," Lennon told me. I felt the swelling of pride in his heart intimately and I understood his motivation. "Trust me, this ain't all it's cracked up to be. But maybe that's just because I'm stuck talking to kids all day."

I felt his mirth and didn't understand how he could joke at a time like this but when he showed me briefly his understanding of the world Sergio wanted, a world where our bodies degraded as his did now, where we no longer had the ability to shape and mold our environment, where we were no longer essentially human, I understood his dedication.

"Do you have a plan to take this place out?" I asked aloud, although he couldn't hear me, could only feel my intention with the question through the link – along with my apprehension and concern.

"Most of the children are on Earth," he replied and I felt relief that he understood my primary worry. Despite having killed two children only moments ago, it wasn't intentional, I wasn't in my right mind, and the radiating fear, pain, and confusion from the other two children still here with me as they observed our exchange overwhelmed me with guilt. I certainly didn't want to kill any more of them if I could help it.

"You got a badass suit with a thermal saber. I thought you come back here, help Trowa finish sabotaging the computer system and destroying the HERA programming, and then you can wreck the place, huh?"

His idea of wrecking the place included melting down walls and tearing them apart in a fit of mobile suit inspired rage. Mine included self-detonation.

"That's an idea," Lennon admitted, impressed, feeling my sincerity as memories of my last self-detonation surfaced. "But we're getting you outta there this time, huh? If I weren't already dead, Duo'd kill me."

"No, he wouldn't," I stated back tersely as I cloaked thoughts of Duo away in my heart. Lennon had to understand – Duo was a soldier. He would accept whatever outcome was required to ensure a successful mission. But the faint, residual bleed of Duo's emotions through Lennon's connection with him let me know that Lennon was more accurate – that Duo would be crushed if he were to lose me to another self-destruct. But it didn't matter. By leaving him behind, I'd already established that the mission was more important than me, him, or his feelings and he knew it.

"You can't do this," came one child's nervous argument.

"We'll tell on you," was the other's particularly appropriate warning, considering their age.

"That's our home."

 _You don't understand home._  It wasn't a statement from Lennon, only a feeling, and he sent it back out through the link in a way that was overwhelming, his age and maturity overpowering the children and I knew this message was being broadcast much further than just us three here now. Memories that I knew logically weren't mine but which felt so personal it was as though I had truly experienced them caused me to choke with emotion. Eating dinner with my parents and sister, fried chicken and macaroni and cheese, the smell of chocolate chip cookies baking in the kitchen. Playing football in the yard on freshly cut grass with other kids in the neighborhood, grass stains on jeans and kind admonishment from motherly eyes. Christmases with shiny wrapped packages under a tree, excitement and happiness and running down carpeted stairs to see what had been brought to us. Every happy memory that had never been for me or those other orphaned kids, nearly tangible in my consciousness now, and when they faded out the only emotion I was left with was longing.

For a brief moment I wished I could feel what Duo felt then, wished I could allow myself to connect with him and explain to him once and for all that singular emotion which welled within me during that experience – that happiness – was why I knew for a fact that he was my home. Because that feeling I felt then... The only other time I ever felt that way was when I was with him.

But I didn't. Because I had to protect my home.

"And I will kill to protect it," I growled, turning my suit to face the two left with me – and they knew it was true.

They presented no challenge. I watched a minute, waited for some kind of response before readjusting my trajectory towards L6. Even if my threat didn't work and they both decided to come after me I was sure my experience and stronger, more weaponized suit would allow me to easily defeat them as I had their two comrades.

Their two child comrades, probably not even past the age of five. I drew a few shaky breaths and tried not to be sick as my mind replied my insanity. It was completely unnecessary to kill children – to kill anyone. How many times in my life did I have to make the same mistakes?

But finally, I saw the half-constructed initial colony of L6 floating on the horizon and focused on that instead of my nausea and self-loathing.

Lennon related to me where the exit chute for the new type suits was positioned and I approached with thermal saber drawn. I didn't expect them to send additional suits after me – as Lennon had already confirmed, most of them were positioned around the ESUN already and they didn't really have any to spare. If I had to wager a guess, I'd say that Sergio had those four sent to me in an attempt to guilt me out of following through. But I'd fought a war on this guilt before. Four child challengers weren't going to defeat me now, not in the face of the thousands I've killed.

Slowly, I melted away the door panel and stared up through the corridor, the suit feeding me information regarding its dimensions on a side screen. I turned off the saber and pushed forward lightly, not wanting to overcompensate and smash into anything, although the thought amused me slightly. As if I wasn't going to blow this whole place to hell.

When I reached the end the door was open for me and I maneuvered inside, landing down on the floor as the door shut and resealed behind me, gravity shifting to something resembling earth before the airlock on the other side opened. I scanned the area for threats but then it was just a big, empty hangar with a few half constructed new type suits to the far end. Nothing to worry about.

As I walked forward I noted a door open on the opposite side to where the suits were stashed, just a yellow wall of light and I squinted as I came to a halt in the middle of the floor, HERA bringing up an enlargement to sate my curiosity. In the picture panel, despite the harsh backlighting, the familiar outline was obvious. Trowa had come to meet me.


	38. 3.11 The Final Act

I opened the cockpit and stepped out, staring down as Trowa approached through the vast room. He stopped just beneath me and I took off my helmet, running my gloved fingers through sweaty hair.

"I'm going to set the self-destruct mechanism for twenty minutes. Is that enough time?"

Trowa nodded an affirmative so I sat back down in the cockpit and set the suit to detonate. For a moment I lay my fingers on the grips and curled them tightly against the rubber, allowing myself a moment of nostalgia before I sucked in a breath and stood. Things were infinitely better when there were no more mobile suits. There was no reason for nostalgia.

I descended on the zip line to meet Trowa, who appraised me silently for a moment before leading me back through the hangar to the door where he entered. We passed through areas I was familiar with to an office of sorts that appeared to be his. I don't know what specifically gave me that impression, as it was basically devoid of any personal artifacts, but then it looked quite a bit like my own office at Preventer so long ago I supposed.

"I'm almost done sabotaging the system," he murmured as his fingers flew over computer keys. I hummed an acknowledgement as I watched over his shoulder.

It may have seemed pointless to destroy any data when the whole colony was about to be blown, but salvage was a big business and a lot could be reclaimed from computer parts that weren't destroyed well enough. It wasn't worth the risk.

"Do you still have the blueprints I gave you?" He looked back over his shoulder at me a moment and I nodded, pulling them up from under my flight suit and handing the flash drive back. Our eyes met for just a moment and my curiosity got the better of me.

"Why did you leave?" I asked, the question sounding uncomfortably loud in the empty room despite how quietly I had asked it and he snorted as he swiveled back around in his chair to the computer screen.

"For the same reasons you did," he muttered under his breath. My brows narrowed as I considered that, unsure what he meant. Surely he hadn't attempted to kill Quatre – so what would the reasoning be?

"To protect the person you love, idiot," he growled, eyes not moving from the screen as he plugged in the flash drive I'd just given back to him. "Now go back down the hall and open the first door on your left and get me a flight suit from the closet while I finish this."

I followed his command through knee-jerk reaction and didn't have much time to consider what he'd said before I caught sight of Lennon in the first bed, nearly too small for him, sized to fit children not grown men. He was hooked up to a life-support machine and I approached, my fingers resting on his arm gently but he didn't even flinch. He didn't move at all. His chest rose and fell gently and I could see his eyes jumping back and forth beneath his eyelids but that was it. I felt sorry for him, really, it was the only thing I could feel. He was faced with this or having his mind wiped and he chose this. And this is what Sergio ultimately wanted for humanity?

My imagination filled the rest of the beds in the dormitory with bodies like his, hooked up to machines just like him, and expanded it outwards and I knew then that despite everything, the mistakes I made, the people I would have to kill destroying this colony – I was making the right decision.

"I'm sorry." Trowa's voice startled me and I turned to face him in a defensive position before realizing who it was. He moved through hallways between the beds in the dormitory as I watched, opening the closet door at the end and pulling out a flight suit from the bottom of a stack. I suppose most of them were likely child-sized.

"I forgot he was in here."

The dismissive tone to his voice irritated me slightly as I considered the sacrifice Lennon had made. Perhaps not ultimately the most useful sacrifice but then I didn't know what memories he was projecting on to those children right now, what he was saying to them in the last few minutes before he went down with the colony.

"How did you...?" I asked shortly, words trailing off as he took off his lab coat and baggy business dress clothes before sliding into the flight suit. His eyes turned dispassionately towards the body and then back to his suit.

"I altered his brain chemistry, creating an environment under which his synapses increased exponentially over the course of twelve hours so that he could handle the system," Trowa said as he zipped up, turning to grab a helmet out of the closet. "That process had predictable consequences. He can no longer control his own body as his brain has been essentially rewired. He is existing on autonomic nervous system alone."

I blinked and then stared back down at Lennon. If Trowa could do this to Lennon...

"There's nothing we can do for him?" I asked, knowing the answer – but the words still left my lips.

"No. Nothing."

My head snapped back to Trowa, watching as he fit his helmet. What was to keep him from repeating this process? Shouldn't Trowa be erased, destroyed, just like those blueprints, that computer? What made him any different? He still knew too much.

He nodded his head in my direction impatiently as he passed but my feet remained rooted to the ground, the horror of what I was going to have to do washing over me. But there was no way around it. I locked my helmet into place as we headed quickly back the way Duo and I had left a few days ago.

As we slid along the corridor I contemplated ways of incapacitating him so that he was stuck here. When we reached the deserted hangar he immediately headed towards a shuttle and I grabbed his wrist. He jerked away from me and glared through the visor of his helmet but I moved in with a series of kicks he managed to block and turn away from, creating a little distance. But he clearly didn't want to return the offense and I scowled, wishing he would just make this easy for me.

"What are you doing?" he asked, voice muffled significantly by the helmet but I heard him, and I just shook my head, following immediately with a right hook to his face.

Trowa was wearing a helmet, obviously, it wasn't a good move, the impact would be ineffectual, I was just merely trying to fake him out and it worked. He shifted, holding up a forearm to block and I grabbed his wrist once more, used his sideways momentum to twist it around his back and take him to the ground. He looked up at me from the floor, legs trying to dislodge my weight from his body.

"I'm not letting you leave here!" I shouted at him and his eyes widened in surprise and then his brows narrowed back in frustration.

"What?" He jerked his shoulders but I had both of his hands behind his back now and my full weight on his torso and there was no way he was escaping me.

"You know too much," I answered, irritated that he wouldn't give up the fight.

"Fuck you!" he shouted back. "We don't have time for this."

"No," I replied.

We had plenty of time. But my head ached and my heart was pounding in my chest, flighty and uncomfortable. I ignored it, pressed him harder against the floor. This was what I had to do. This is what I had to do to atone for everything. Never let this happen again.

"Heero!"

He became more frantic as he realized I wasn't going to let up but my fingers tightened on his wrists until they would bruise and he struggled harder. But I wouldn't let him go. I wouldn't let this be repeated. I wouldn't let anyone with such intimate knowledge of HERA, of the new type suits, of the procedure used to destroy people's memories – destroy their very lives – leave this place.

And that included myself.

"We don't have to do this," he argued but, of course, he would argue that if he intended to recreate this system in the future with his knowledge. I ignored him. It wouldn't be long now and this would all be over. Everything. And I would no longer be a threat. Duo would be safe. Everyone would be safe.

"I saved you from self-destruction once – Heero!" Trowa yelled but it was like his voice was coming from a million miles away as blood rushed in my ears and I felt hot, suddenly, so hot, and my arms shook. "I'm not going to let you die here!"

My chest heaved and my arms felt so weak and I remembered Trowa as he was at fifteen, caring for a boy he hardly knew, agreeing to follow him around Europe to atone for sins he could never forgive himself for. I gasped and I knew that this was wrong, that Trowa wasn't the problem here. Trowa, who had the capacity to care so much about others. Trowa, who did the same as me, leaving to protect the man he loved and I understood then. Trowa would never recreate this. All Trowa wanted was for Quatre to be safe. Trowa gave up a relationship, years of his life, everything, just like I did, to ensure Quatre's safety. He would never recreate this.

I caught my breath, fought down the craziness in my own head and pulled him to his feet by his wrists, pushing him in the direction of the shuttle.

"I'm sorry – I'll... I'll open the airlock manually. You go," I commanded and he shook his head.

"I'm not going without you," he demanded, brows furrowed in anger and he grabbed my wrist.

"You have to – we don't have the time!" I argued back, jerking my wrist out of his grasp. "I'm too fucked up. I'll – I'll  _kill_  him, you understand?" My lips curled in anguish and I knew. I couldn't leave here. Trowa might not ever recreate this, but I  _was_  this and I couldn't leave here.

"Leave!" I demanded, pushing him backward with a hard shove to the chest as I retreated, glaring at him, wishing I could move him with the sheer force of my will alone.

"Leave!" I shouted again and I watched his last moment of hesitation as he turned to the shuttle and opened the door.

I rushed back to the control panel as Trowa geared up the shuttle and began to move it into position. Knowing his time was limited I opened the airlock and then overrode the controls to the outside hatch, knowing that would give him the quickest route directly into space. Foolishly, I thought of Duo in that moment as I confirmed the override. I thought of what Trowa would tell him, how he would react, and I although I knew it was for the best, a part of me wished I hadn't shut down our connection in HERA, wished I had said a better goodbye.

The rapid decompression of atmosphere in the hangar caused me to grip the desk harder, fingers fighting as the sucking whoosh became stronger but I wanted to go down here, with the colony, with this horror I had created and not strangling to death with limited oxygen in the grand expansive of space. I didn't see Trowa's shuttle leave as I slammed my eyes shut against the pull, a pathetic sob escaping my throat because this was it, this was the end, and all of this could've been avoided and – I had told Duo we'd do this together but I lied. I lied and – and all I wanted was to hold him in my arms one last time, press his forehead against my shoulder, kiss his head and bury my nose in his hair, feel his warmth and –

My fingers slipped and I grasped tighter but it was no use. I knew any moment I would be expelled out of this hangar with the remnants of atmosphere and all I could think was that love was such a stupid thing. It could bring out the worst in us but now, right now, maybe it could bring out the best. Our love for humanity – Duo's and the war he fought for smiles, Lennon's and the sacrifice he made to bring me here to destroy this, Trowa's and the way he gave up an entire life to be here at ground zero... Maybe it was enough. Maybe my sacrifice would be enough to justify the selfish things I'd done in the name of love.

I felt the tremor of Zeus exploding in the lower levels just as my fingers slipped completely and I cursed my inability to hold on just a moment longer. I'd always failed at the last minute. But at the same time, it was too late. I knew it was too late, I would never make it out of the airlock and into space and I would go down with the colony. Success. Fuck. This was it. The end. At least I wouldn't be able to hurt anyone else.

And my last thought was of Duo's face – one finger pressed to his lips, saying goodbye – as I slammed hard into the ceiling, the force of atmospheric ejection from the colony and the collision causing me to black out.


	39. Epilogue

The first thing I noticed when I awoke was the throbbing pain in my head. The second – how damned bright it was. I was disoriented but the combination of those two things immediately told me that I was in a hospital. I grimaced at the thought as I closed my eyes again, feeling the catheter, the needles under my skin, and trying to remain calm despite my desperate urge to yank every tube from my body.

I realized then that Duo was curled up next to me in that tiny hospital bed, an arm thrown over my stomach, soft, warm breath puffing against my cheek and he shifted just slightly, snuggling in closer to me. For a moment, I felt my blood pressure drop and my heart rate slow, the way that only he could affect me.

Then I remembered that I was supposed to be dead.

Panic began clawing at my stomach and I saw the heart rate monitor pick up in pace as my eyes searched the room frantically, finding the exit, every piece of me wanting to escape before Duo woke up and I could hurt him once more. But apparently a nurse was already alerted to my change in heart rate and Duo's eyes were fluttering open at the same moment the door opened and she frowned as he blinked blearily and yawned into the back of his hand.

"Sir, you really should give the patient some space," she chastised and Duo blushed faintly but didn't move even as she approached, just held me closer to him as she inspected the monitor, my fluids and medications. I guess at this point they knew better than to demand anything of Duo –assuming I'd been here more than twenty-four hours.

"How do you feel?" she asked. I glared.

"Uncertain," I choked out around a cough, having not used my voice in who knows how long.

She sighed as her lips formed a tight line. "Do you think you can eat in a little while? Do you feel faint, like you're going to pass out?"

"Fine," I replied dismissively. "I'm fine."

"Well, I'll make a note for the doctor to come in on his rotation and I'll have them take a dinner order." Quickly she removed me from the fluids, leaving the needle catheter in place, just taping it down. "We're backed up with all those children, though, so it may be an hour or so before the doctor can see you." And then she turned and left, leaving me alone with Duo.

For a while he didn't say anything, he just rested his head in the crook of my neck and I could feel the smile on his lips against my skin. Every moment was like torture though as I was forced to wonder what had happened, how I got here, how long it would be before I was going to try to hurt him again.

 

"Duo," I finally said and he hummed an affirmative, pressing his face closer and placing a kiss on my neck that caused a shiver through my skin. And then I regretted saying anything as he sat up and I faced a particularly pissed off expression.

"I will never forgive you," he growled. "You left me behind. You disconnected me. After you told me we'd do this together." He looked down then at his hand, rubbing his thumb gently across my arm. "I don't know how I'm supposed to trust you."

I hated the face he made then, so dejected, and it hurt but not as much as the reality that I was going to hurt him again. Inevitably. I had failed.

"You can't," I whispered. "I almost hurt you, before I left. I – I can't –"

"Well, you don't have to worry about that anymore," he stated with absolute certainty and my face surely showed my confusion. "One good thing that came out of all this is that HERA monitored your brain activity while you were in that suit and fed me back a way to fix it."

My eyes widened as I considered it, remembering HERA stating my brain activity was erratic several times and never even considering the implications of that.

"Sally put you in a medically induced coma until she could review the data with Nexxus' team," he explained, running a tender hand through my greasy hair. "Obviously, Preventer detained most of them for questioning. Some will be sentenced but... probably not until they bring Sergio in. Anyway, they performed the procedure twelve hours ago and said you'd wake up any time and... yeah."

I contemplated what he said as the back of Duo's knuckles stroked my cheek.

"But I was supposed to go down with the colony."

"Well, you almost fucking did, asshole," he growled, though he was still smiling. "When Trowa told me what happened, what you said – just add that to the list of shit I'll never forgive you for." His fingers stopped at the back of my neck. "Thankfully Wufei was en route – and smart enough to take a faster shuttle than a Gundam – when Zeus self-destructed and the colony blew. You were banged up pretty bad, but I guess you mostly cleared the colony. Good thing I tagged you with that tracker, despite your objections, or we'd never have found you in time. As it was you had only a couple minutes of oxygen left."

The thought was sobering but only because of everything I knew now. That the process could be reversed. That I was... okay. It seemed weird and I didn't exactly trust it but then I knew Sally was good and knew she would likely be monitoring me for years to come.

It felt strange to have it all out in the open now. Strange that everyone knew, that it wasn't some huge secret that I had to bear the weight of myself. It was uncomfortable and disturbing and embarrassing, but that was it. It was... over? Just like that?

 

"But... the suits...? The children...?"

A haunted look overcame his face and he turned away from me a moment, laying his chin on his knee.

"When Lennon died... we all felt it."

I swallowed hard and reached out weakly for him, resting my fingers on his hip. He looked at me then and lay back down on his side next to me, curling around my body, his head pillowed on my shoulder, and I wrapped my arm around him as best I could to hold him.

"The children took it bad," his voice wavered. "I was told that children really don't even start grasping the permanence of death until like six or something and even then only if they're especially mature and – I don't – it was just…" Duo paused and rubbed his eyes a minute before wrapping his arm around my waist again and squeezing tight. "He kept talking to us right up until the very end. I don't think he knew it was coming but then... the silence…"

He sighed and there was silence between us for a long time as he relived those memories, I guess. I had no idea what that must've felt like, being connected that intimately, and I gave him time.

"Needless to say," he eventually started again, with a sad chuckle I knew was mainly a way of protecting himself, not any genuine amusement, "the children were horrified. They all stood down. They didn't want to inflict that kind of experience on anyone else.

"It was an iffy few days, you know, trying to round them up and get them to hospitals, get them cared for. They're all orphans and I... It's just hard for me. I was there with them and I..." His fingers gripped my gown and I nodded my head against his sympathetically. There was nothing I could do at this point but listen and honestly, selfishly, it was just good to hold him and be held by him and that was all I could really focus on.

"I'm thinking about talking to Preventer about working with them, you know, specifically, trying to place them and, well, sick as it is, people will be gunning to adopt one of those 'tragic charity cases.'" I felt as disgusted as Duo sounded as I thought about it. "Anyway, we'll have to be careful about placing them and, well, I don't know, I just thought..."

"No, you'd be good at that," I murmured, lips moving against his forehead, breathing in the scent of his shampoo.

 

"So you wouldn't be upset if I made that commitment?"

"No," I replied, a little surprised by the anxious question. "I'm not sure I have any right to tell you what to do."

Duo moved back and propped himself up on his elbow to look at me again, resting his hand on my chest. It felt warm and I felt my chest constrict as he stared down at me, studying me. I knew I was unworthy of him. After everything I'd done, I –

"But I want you to," he finally said, quietly, clearly nervous. I could hardly believe it. His fingers moved up to my cheek, down my neck, resting on my clavicle. "I... I want to give us another chance."

"I don't think I deserve that..."

Frankly, I didn't even think I could be trusted. I mean, he said it himself. He wouldn't forgive me. I knew he wasn't joking. And even if he could, I could never forgive myself.

"'Ro." His voice was heavy and he ran his thumb against my jawline, forcing me to look him in the eyes. "We've been through some shit man." Duo laughed then, eyes shining, and it was throaty and warm and it hurt to realize how badly I wanted him. It hurt to think about going back to a space that wasn't occupied with that laughter, with his warmth.

"Who the fuck else is going to put up with me? Who the fuck else is going to put up with you?" He pushed his finger into my chest then before settling back against my side.

"I don't know how you'll put up with me," I answered honestly and he chuckled.

"You're going to go to a lot of therapy," he said and I groaned. His fingers teased against my side and I jerked, not wanting to be tickled while I was still stuck in a bed with a damned catheter, but he relented quickly. Instead, he pressed his nose up against my jaw, nuzzling it.

"You know I have never wanted anyone but you." His fingers sought out mine and laced between them, holding them tight. "And maybe I can never really have you, I don't know, but if you're here, then I wanna be near you. If you'll let me."

"Duo." I turned my face to meet his eyes, noses pressed together. Maybe this experience only taught him that he couldn't count on me to be there, but it taught me something else entirely, and I felt absolutely certain as I spoke. "You are the only place I have ever felt at home."

He smiled then, blinking as his eyes watered a little and his hand found its way into my hair, ruffling it gently with long fingers.

 

"And I just want to go home."

It was nothing but a whisper and he kissed me softly in acknowledgement, just a light press of his lips, opening the door and like a wayward child, shamed from running away only to realize how cruel the world really was, I felt nothing but utter complete and total relief as he accepted me back into my home.


End file.
